Chapter 8: Counting

I was quick on my feet, hot on my way out of Leoné Investments. There was no residual fear over what was inside of that building, but there was this urgency in realization. I was on a journey to being honest with myself, and the hunt to seek the truth had just begun.

To that woman on the thirty-third floor, I would give a middle-fingered salute. She stood for nothing I could appreciate. But truth be told, she had me shook. It wasn't her wickedly beautiful smile or her effortless charm that pumped the blood harder through my veins. It was her baseless threats that made my skin crawl. She woke me up. She woke a little bit of the Ada I was more familiar with. And that was why I was on my way to uncover the answers no one else could find but me.

The delayed train attributed to the waves of terrible thoughts crashing in my head. Nothing was making sense. Dots weren't connecting.

Where are you?!

Time was a sloth in the underground; the dragging transportation took a toll on my patience. After an hour, freedom was mine and I bolted down the sidewalk into the hysterics of anxious and angry city life. I fit right in, pushing my way down a path blending into the verve.

Though, somehow, the world around me was far behind the pace I needed it to be. A sky-high apartment riddled with luxury within wouldn't be captivated by the simpleton that was me. Composure was the greatest enemy against calamity, and I had to hide it when I saw the warmth blanketed across the high, dark cheekbones of the familiar receptionist.

"Hey, Ada," Tony greeted with a tone that was a one-eighty from the first time she ever saw me.

After taking in a short,but deep breath, I smiled, "Tony, hi. Umm, have you seen Ezra lately?"

"Uh, no. It has been a while since I've seen him, but he tends to blend in with the other residents that go on four week, four month vacations sometimes.

Rich, white, barely acknowledge your presence, I mean... I can't blame you.

"Right, right. Umm, I know this sounds a little crazy or like I'm a person little time on my hands, but could you possibly give me a ring if you do see him around?" I asked, with breathlessness across my enunciation.

Tony pulled a lock behind her ear and scrutinized the alertness of my demeanor. I curled my lips in, quietly begging for her to reason with me without wanting a reason. To my luck, she pulled out a small white pad of paper and slid a pen beside it.

"Don't take that pen with you, now," she warned with a cautious smile.

Her cooperation and humor brought a smile out of me, before I scribbled my number down. When finished, I gently dropped the between my thumb and pointer. What I came to do was done, and at least I was a small step closer to figuring out where Ezra was.

Or have I really made any progress at all? Is this it? This is what I came to do?

I stared at my scratches along the paper as Tony returned it underneath the haven of the tall counter. I thought the old Ada was back again, but she wasn't anywhere around– staring helplessly at a young woman who couldn't do much more for me. Or so I thought.

I weakly began, "Well, have a nice evening, Tony. I really appreciate–"

"Ada, go upstairs and check on your man," Tony whispered with annoyance.

I gasped in shock, "Are you serious?" 

She furiously gestured with her hand, and I was awkwardly darting my way across the lobby and slamming my palm against the arrows to the golden elevators.

Okay, Ada. Try to keep it together.

The elevator couldn't move fast enough once I entered. I didn't only want to escape it's gilded confines to get to the seventeenth floor, but I wanted to flee from the physical memories Ezra and I made against the walls. The last thing I wanted to think about what I recalled as love.

But when I chose to repress the tingling sensations that heartlessly fluttered through me, I was too slow for the world around me. My first step into freedom of the seventeenth floor didn't carry the quick adrenaline rush I manifested after all of this time of confusion.

Go, Ada.

I was afraid, pulling the keys to his apartment from my pocket. The first memory of this permission into his haven flashed in my mind. The happiness was riveting then as it was for the split second my conscience wanted to reiterate. I dug the key into its belonging. The truth I was looking for was moments from showing itself to me, and I couldn't wait any longer. There was no turning back.

There was no turning back from the blanket of confusion that veiled my eyes since I last saw him. There was nothing that could ease the pained emptiness in my heart as I stood in the middle of the dark empty apartment.

"Ezra?" my hollow voice called for him.

Nothing came back to me. I felt the instant slice to my ego, fluttering around his apartment, rushing into his bedroom, his bathroom. While I searched, I was forced to think of us in the empty spaces. Without him around, even I felt like a ghost... looking for the one who trapped me within his walls.

I was on my way out of his bedroom when I paused. My eyes narrowed into fine lines once returning to his closet. I tugged at the knob and flipped the exterior switch. In an instant, one side of my face twisted in agony with the scent of his cologne wafting around me.

Another memory hit me. It was on our first weekend together. It was another moment where I was freshly ruffled in his sheets and still high off of his body heat. I remembered the way I softly chewed on my nail while observing the backside, I just had my hands all over, in the distance. I recalled the light parallel lines of red decorating his back and how well he wore my territorial markings.

He knew how to get me out of his bed and bring me to him. All he did was turn around and look me in the eyes. I had to feel his heat again, so he had me flush against him in the middle of his walk in. My back against his chest was heavenly, however I hadn't ascended until the tips of his fingers drew and tugged down from my neck down to my wrists before our fingers intertwined. The first kiss on my cheek caused me to turn my head and take another on my lips.

"Tell me what is on your mind, Ada," he breathed.

And I remembered finally opening my eyes to see his inviting mouth curl into a smile. He used his soft lips again to persuade me into answering, but I sheepishly turned my head away. It wasn't the first time he had asked me the question, but it still caused me to acknowledge the flutter within. I loved the feeling. Sadly, I had no idea that our future entailed for me to long to feel the most amazing things.

"You want to know what I'm thinking, Ezra?" I smirked.

He slowly nodded his head, and my lips parted to tell him to feel for himself, but I was instantly distracted when looking behind his head.

"Ada, what's wrong?" he asked in a panic.

"You don't color-coordinate your clothes?!" I asked in shock.

Ezra's face at that moment was priceless. He had cocked his jaw and anchored his head back. "You still assume that I would be some robotic, obsessive-compulsive man..."

My head had tilted to the side and I stuck out my bottom lip, "When I first met you, all you ate were salads! Listen... I'm sorry I was surprised about your closet. I should have continued to think were a weirdo, after I first saw you eat a dry tortilla chip."

His deadpanned expression quickly evolved into a smile. "Ada. You are... special."

"Wait a minute, now..." I returned with less amusement.

"So beautiful and... special," he laughed, continuing to tease me.

"How are you making fun of me 'cause you ate a chip?" I questioned,  poorly hiding the smile on my face.

He was still beaming, when he chuckled, "I don't know. I just enjoy spending time with you."

"Hmph!" I childishly returned.

"I mean it, Ada. I swear it," he finished with more confidence.

Ezra could see that I wasn't convinced, though the smile on my face hardly disappeared. "Do you believe me?"

Even over such a trivial matter, his pleading eyes were starting to get to me. He thought I really didn't believe him. So, I broke the silence to him the best way I knew how at a moment like that.

"Meh, I'll believe it when I see you chomp on a Cheeto."

Now, one more sweet memory was hanging on for dear life, trying not to be swallowed into the pile of thoughts I would train myself to forget.

But that was it, we made and I kept those moments because I thought there was no one else. We were too close for there to be someone else. And I wanted to be sure of it as I lightly fingered through his hanging clothes.

Fianceé? She has to have things in here.

I briefly searched high, and in between the dry cleaning. There was no trace of another woman. I exited his closet and veered back into the bathroom.

Nothing! Only his shit, and the spare toothbrush I used!

I threw my hands on top of my head and gasped, "I'm so confused right now."

There was way too much confusion darting back and forth, while I stood frozen in shock. The only way I was going to find any real conclusions was to go to the source himself. My ego was scratching to stay in the spotlight, but my mental stability was more important to me.

I pulled out my phone and felt the tinge of scrolling for his number in my 'Recent Calls' hard to swallow. A couple of months were starting to feel like years. 

With my phone pressed to my ear, I waited for to it to ring. I held my breath to make sure I didn't miss a sound.

"We're sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is–"

"What?" I interrupted, pulling the phone from my ear and staring at the screen.

Calling two more times, I wished I hadn't done so just to receive the same sickening message. Finally, I had to pause and curl in my bottom lip to bite down. Staring at my feet, I said what I understood, "And nobody knows where you are."

Shit. What am I feeling right now?

My eyebrows crinkled; I thought harder. My disappointment in him felt bittersweet as it wrestled with the salty taste of my tears coursing down and around my lips.

Ada... you've come undone 'cause you have held it in.

It was then that I couldn't reassure myself that he was even feeling anything at all.

In defeat, I retreated to the front door. In between reality and what this was, I was stumped. There was no figuring out just how gutted I was feeling. If I stepped out of that door, I would be faced with questions I couldn't find the answers to.

But I didn't plan on answering them anytime soon, because I hadn't planned on leaving. I wanted to understand the truth in front of me. I felt the need to start over. My flats slipped and fell from my feet beside a pair of house shoes he kindly left behind to kill me a little more.

I gripped the soft carpet with my toes waiting for something to hit me. It wasn't often that I felt this defeated as the night approached; the night was the only time when my head was at its prime. The first problem with trying to think about him was that I was doing it without him... still in his home and alone.

I was murmuring, "You've got me... sitting here... wondering if you're okay. Not even sure if you're dead... I'm sure I'm about to lose my mind, because you've got me counting on the idea that you'll stay alive... wherever you are. "

When we went our separate ways, the last thing I wanted to think about again was love. Yet, I sat there, in his beautifully empty apartment, looking out through his window, reflecting over how I didn't want to see what was in my heart fade.

And I don't wanna see that fade...

I couldn't go from the one thing he left behind for me when I didn't understand my bearings. All I could do was quietly sit in vain, cursing the night and watching the seconds die.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Number of hidden songs: 2