Chapter 14: By A Thread

"What did you eat today?" was the question that propelled us out of the silence that comforted us in the café. From our history, it was strange for me to have been the one to ask it, but it was fitting as the tables had turned.

When he said nothing, he hesitated when I asked him what he wanted. Ezra's lulls weren't just a sign of indecision. He wasn't listening though his eyes were on me. His sadness was.

"Ezra, what do you want to eat?" I asked, once more.

"Ada, you've changed," he returned instead.

I admitted, with a slumped posture, "I'm only tired, Ezra."

"I was afraid to know, when I saw you yesterday, but why..." he couldn't finish, looking at the skully on my head.

"I suppose it's time to tell you a little about my family. My mom is my heart, but she was diagnosed with cancer not too long ago."

"Is she going to be okay?" he asked with urgency.

I paused and curled in my lower lip. Thinking about my answer, I swallowed hard and mustered up, "We can only hope so. Now, Ezra what do you want to eat?"

His jaw tightened and his nostrils flared. He was very angry when he murmured, "I'm very sorry Ada."

"It's okay." I smiled.

"No, no it's not. I should have--" he couldn't finish his thought.

My smile devolved, "You should have what?"

"I... I don't know what to say to you anymore now," he answered instead.

I nodded, "I understand, but it may be easier for you to come up with the words after some food."

"No, it won't help. It won't erase how much I've failed you," he said with conviction.

Failure, again.

"Ada, I wanted to tell you about me for so long, but now I feel that I've said too much."

"If you think telling the truth is too much, then I can agree. Now, what do you want to eat?"

He didn't answer me. Instead, with haste, he said, "I should go."

"Is that what you want?"

"I thought confessing would make things better, but I don't think it did," he admitted, standing to his feet. "I've only proved that I've nothing to offer you."

"I'm sorry you feel that way. But understand me now, Ezra, this is it. I'm not going to chase you. I'm not going to convince you that you should stay here right now."

We engaged in another watchful exchange partnered with a difficult silence.

I opened my mouth to ask one last question, "Do you understand the reason why I won't tell you to stay?"

"No one would ask someone as weak as me to stay," he confirmed.

I didn't pause before delivering the correct answer. "I won't tell you not to walk away from me because if there is anything that we always have, it's choice-- the ability to make decisions. I won't take that away from you, and you won't take that from me. I also won't let my decisions today be from a past that I fear. Call me crazy, but I still have a heart for you. Exposing the underbelly doesn't make us weak as humans. You've managed to make me love you more with your truths, and that's why I won't do everything in my power to chain you down."

Without my consent, my emotions began to take over. My eyes glistening as I confessed a modicum of how I felt at the moment. My voice trembled, "I have been without you for too long, but I want you to stay with me right here, right now, and in this moment... because that is what you want to do."

He didn't sit down. I held my fists together, in an attempt to suppress the old, familiar pain that coursed through me when I knew that we were not on solid ground. My grip began to loosen. Holding it in was suffocating me all over again. The distant months didn't allow my memories of him do anything but fester like a disease. I wanted to keep administering the cure. The only prescription I had was served in doses of remembering him fondly. I had to accept that I couldn't stop taking the medicine just because the last moment I hold of him is of him distancing himself again-- for good.

Just breathe.

I paced the tempo of the air I exchanged in my lungs. The further he was from me the deeper my breaths. I couldn't make him stay, and acceptance was slowly creeping in. Though, Ezra's headway didn't mark the door. He strode to the front of the café and returned with a large fruit cup and two spoons.

Like a stone, I was unmoving. Reality had to seep in, for my vision of him pushing out of the café door was still strong.

I was frozen until he said, "I still feel insecure, Ada. But I don't want to leave."

Our fruit cup feast was troubled with secrecy. All thoughts that whirled around my head were not refined enough to break the silence this time. It was clear to me that the same could be said with the veil of apprehension that refused to leave his face. It wasn't until a strawberry half was the last bit in the bowl.

"You take it," he softly insisted, his face warming a little as he observed the last fruit.

I put the plastic spoon in but cut it in half. Sharing was a good habit, and I also felt myself warming up from the recollection of a simple fruit. Ezra asked for a walk outside. I agreed to engage with him. The chill hit us both in the face. Ezra made sure to pull his collar taut, while I securely fastened my scarf around my neck.

"I can't remember the last time we had a December this cold," I noted in the hopes to prompt small chit-chat while looking up to see the sky was bruised with purple and blue.

He related, "I don't believe I can either."

It was inevitable that I think of the last time I was with Ezra out in the cold. It was not my best moment. I remember being more intoxicated with rage than liquor. Seeing him after that night still tore me apart, and I was at my most conflicted. I was confused.

"I don't want you. I still want you."

I wasn't ready to face reality regardless of how many times it hit me in the face. But the denial faded eventually. It hurt to know that it took my mother's health to be the thing that woke me up.

Once we were far enough from the little business, he asked, "How have you been?"

I took in a sharp breath and sighed, "I'm better than I've been in a long time. I've been doing a lot of work."

As expected, Ezra's attention shifted to me. I gave him my attention, but also my reassurance because I didn't react to his surprise. It was clear that he wanted an answer from me, but I had nothing more to explain unless he prompted for more.

He hesitated, at first. I could see the question hanging from his mouth."Where are you working, if I may know?"

"I work as a programmer from home," I answered.

His lips curled in, and I knew that meant there were more questions he was holding back.

I shoved my hands in my pockets and found my patterned handwarmers. "I have no complaints about it. I'm treated well and compensated fairly. And... I live with Faith."

He scratched his beard and hummed, "Okay."

Looking away, old desires didn't exactly flee from the scene. I knew what it felt like scratch the stubble along his jaw, but now that he was more hirsute along his face, I had to resist the temptations to imagine.

I heard a loud exhale and turned back to find Ezra looking down at me. It was foolish to deny the vivid thoughts and feelings. While short-lived, the memories we made together were not to be underestimated. How could I do that when he was next to me with an unspoken armistice summoned between us? I wanted to know if I saw a future. For a moment, I dreamt about a future where the two of us were still together.

What if that night had gone the way we had hoped? Celebration, praise, love and sex? What if...

On a night of celebrating him, our worlds split apart, but I thought they would never come back together. But now we were walking side-by-side, pondering where to go next. I still loved him very much, but we were still lost in the pages of internal repair. Two halves won't make a whole; we thought that we thought we could get by before, but we detoured.

There was still more that I wanted to know, but I had to commune with uncertainty and knowing I might live with that forever. Ezra and I were together but still apart. But I was unsure if desiring a reunion was the best thing for either of us. Seeing Ezra, did lift my spirit. I still loved him dearly, but it was hard to put my all into digging for the roots of a relationship when my heart still ached from what was going on in my personal life.

As much as I still want you, do I need you right now?

I wouldn't know the answer to that question until we parted ways once more.

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Number of hidden songs: 1

A/N: Would you be understanding of Ezra's insecurities?