Chapter 13: Growing Pains

A recurring syndrome was becoming present in my life. It had dangerously peaked its ugly head again. After all the internal work I had to face with the arduous waves life had given to me, was I being tempted to go back to where I started?

The problem was evident: as soon as I let Ezra go, he appears before me. Were life's transactions this obvious?

He said he didn't want me in one breath, but then changed his mind in another. It was stupid to draw this line that could be crossed anymore. There was no stick, no sand. In fact, there was no earth. We were just floating in a nebula of untouched feelings and unfinished business.

In an instant, nothing made sense to me and then it did. Ezra wouldn't let me go because we had to end things properly. After all we went through, what kind of recovery was possible from it? It was truly best for us to sit down and conclude things in a way that would allow the both of us to move on gracefully.

I wanted that. Clean and clear closure. I remembered how he charged into the elevator and I instinctively took a step back. Many old feelings were rising up again, as they always had when we found ourselves in a small enclosed environment. The energy was in his frame, but the exhaustion made a stronger impression on me. I looked over the combination of travel, an unattended grooming, and our difficult past that drained him. I understood it, and because I did, I agreed to meet him "somewhere" when he begged to talk.

Without debate, I chose the spot-- a small café not too far from my apartment with Faith. With every step I took to get there, I wondered if I was making a mistake. I wanted closure, but when I didn't think I would get it from him, I was on my way to making amends with everything and everyone-- including myself. Yet, of course, after all of this time and suffering I chose to meet him because I knew I had to do it for me at the same time. God knows I would be living with the "what-ifs" for the rest of my life-- a case of the used desperately wanting the truth.

So, I sat at a small table in the corner of the popular local spot. Adorned in muted gray, black basics, and a maroon skully for my bare head. My exhausted spirit and lack of drive allowed me to assimilate with the patrons that bled into the hipster aesthetic. However, the man who I was waiting for did not. He looked the same as yesterday, tired and anxious. He didn't move in his typical fast-moving pace. He didn't light up when he saw me. Instead, a cloud of shame and despair carried over his head.

"Hello," he mumbled, after approaching me like a sinking ship in the sea of unconcerned patrons.

My fingers were tied together. I leaned back from the thickly lacquered tabletop. Only I could see the catastrophe thundering inside of him.

I nodded, calmly returning, "Hi."

What in the world is going to come from this?

His eyes shifted from me as he took a deep breath and sighed, "Ada..."

"Do you want to sit?" I questioned with soft intent.

Quickly, he shifted his attention back to me and planted himself in the seat across from me. An obviously disordered mind bled into his conduct and it was painful to watch.

I observed his throat when he swallowed. Ezra's hands were under the table at first.  His right leg bounced with an anxiety I rarely saw.  Seconds later, when he was ready, his posture was forward, his hands now on the table. He was still apprehensive, though, while he stared at his open palms. A battle of reason violently skirmished around in his head.

I reassured him with a sigh, "Take your time, Ezra."

What else could we even do?

His attention shifted from his invisible fears to my face.

A brief pause took place before he said with conviction, "Ada, my entire life has been a sham."

I was caught off guard by his admission, but I didn't let it show. "What do you mean?"

"I mean... I lied to you for so long because I lied to me. I went away to find something... to find myself, I suppose. Sadly, I concluded that what I am looking for I'm not destined to know. It was a fruitless journey."

We exchanged a tepid stare across the table. There was a selection of emotions coursing through me, yet I couldn't choose one to stick with.

Confidence began to cascade over this words, "That's why I told myself, if I ever saw you when I returned, I'd never come back into your life again. I make no sense..."

"Ezra--" I interrupted, irritated.

He ignored me, "... I hate myself."

Suddenly, I felt sickness in my core, "Don't say that."

I feel so sick right now.

He closed his eyes and his hands into fists. "It's true, Ada. I hate myself, and I hate that we met because I do nothing but destroy whatever comes my way."

"Jesus Christ, Ezra, stop," I rebuked in shock and distaste.

He shook his head. "You've seen it. My failures. You've seen my lack of control over my own life. I've lost everything that I thought mattered to me and that did matter to me. I'm not capable of keeping anything of value."

My face tightened, and I crossed my arms, finally asking the question of the century, "What about Genevieve?"

Without delay, he answered, "Our engagement was arranged."

I straightened my back and turned my head.

... what?

He laughed to himself and looked off to the side, amusement and shame effortlessly displayed as he scratched his beard.

Blinking more than usual, I prompted, "I'm... I'm sorry... arranged?"

He was still expressing his shame with joy, "I'm thirty-two and--"

More gutted, I asked, "Your birthday passed?"

Ezra held his tongue and looked back down to his reserved hands. Did everything between us happen so fast that I didn't even know his birthday? Or was this the realization that, back then and despite me falling for him, I didn't understand how to approach Ezra with deeply personal questions that wouldn't result in immediate discomfort for the both of us? Did I just trust in us that much?

I did.

"I have carried shame within ever since I was small," he confessed again.

I had to turn my eyes away. "Why?"

"I had hoped to keep this from you, but the closer I felt to you the more I knew I would have to tell you. Though, it was a challenge because I forgot about all of that when we spent time together. The days were growing easier when we weren't with one another... because when you were near I was happy. But when you weren't, I was unhappy. I never wanted to tell you how I was constantly fighting with disgrace. I was good at hiding to the public that I've been working my whole life to prove to my father that I'm not a mistake."

I caught his eyes, a smile was still present in them. It scared me because they were filled with suffering.

"A mistake?" I murmured.

He shrugged. "You've seen the Leoné Investments website, I'm sure. There is a reason you don't see my face."

"It didn't and still does not make any sense to me," I said firmly.

"It does. Back home my presence has always been that of a debate. I know my father cares for me, if he didn't I wouldn't have any of what I do now. However, I could never look back and say the same for my mother. But I understand... I have my father's blood but not hers. I'm a result of a foolish tryst my father had with an unknown woman. My mother's fertility presented challenges and she could not conceive, so in a moment of weakness my father took to infidelity. Though, to have a child with another woman was not planned. Again, I was a mistake and I learned that when I was young."

My hands were hidden and nestled between my thighs. I did not know what to expect from reconnecting with Ezra, but his story... this part of him was not at all anticipated.

His confessions went on, "Steady arguments filled the rooms in our old château between my parents. Their quarrels were something so natural to me, that if there was more than a day of peace, I sensed something was wrong. Then on the eve of my fourth birthday, the source of their ongoing disputes was revealed to me. I overheard my mother's pained screams outside of my bedroom. In her shrills, she divulged the truth about pretending to tolerate me for years. She said she was suffering, and that I could never be accepted. At that moment, I didn't fully comprehend. I understood that affection was not something she gave freely. In fact, keeping my distance from her felt the safest. It was the safest, I learned..."

As much as I didn't want tragedy to be a factor, it was the cornerstone to making the scattered pieces come together.

"Seconds after she confessed, I heard stomps nearing my room. My door was opened in an explosive manner. Hysteria was in her eyes and on a tear-soaked face, as I was yanked off my bed to the ground. Luckily, my father stepped in between before she could strike me again. My face was hot from the first hit on my left side. He shouted to her that he wouldn't rid of me. In anger, he promised her he wouldn't. But she also pledged to him that I would never be claimed by her. Then, she left as quickly as she barged in, and that was when my father looked down to me. 'Si seulement tu me ressemblais (If only you resembled me)....' he murmured. I started to cry, but my father commanded that I cease before he left my room."

Ezra took pause and a deep breath. He appeared tired again, after recounting memories of violence.

"Ezra... I'm so sorry," I admitted, failing to hold back the sadness that plagued the corner we sat in.

"It's not your fault, Ada. I should have controlled myself when we met, yet I was a monster. I am sorry for everything. Had I continued to follow the prescribed path, I wouldn't have put you through any of the abuse. We wouldn't be sitting here today, and maybe my family wouldn't be ashamed of me."

He was sincere in his apology, yet I couldn't leave it there. I had something to say. "Ezra, I understand that we started off in one of the worst ways. It was absolutely abuse. I also really did hate you, but I couldn't separate because of my own past traumas that would leave me to be standing still in the middle of a storm. Outside of needing to pay my bills, there was no reason for me to stay at Leoné Investments. From the way that you acted, to the way that I felt it... I felt stupid, I felt small... until that day you said that you believed in me. I immediately assumed you were playing mind games, but that's not what I felt when you said that to me. I started to trust my intuition instead of fighting it the way I always used to.

I didn't give a fuck about you giving me furniture, paying for shit, and giving me employment. I was so tired of life and I didn't know where I was going. But that moment you said you believed in me, I didn't want to part from you. You saw the value in me that was always there, and I thought that if even the person who brings out the worst in me can see it, then why the fuck am I still down? I have been my own worst enemy for years, and I'm wasting what is mine. I refuse to standby and deteriorate anymore because I can't help people I love the way I want to. So, I'm am so sorry that you've been suffering for so long, but don't you ever again look me in the face and tell me that you are meaningless. That's bullshit."

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Number of hidden songs: 1

A/N: What do you think about Ezra's behavior? His past?