Trigger Warning: The following chapter contains content that is triggering and sensitive material. Sexual assault, abuse, and depression are some topics mentioned within this chapter. If you feel triggered, you can skip the chapter and move on to the next one. But please, I want you all to know that there are resources to support you. You are not alone in this.

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There was a cold quietness, only the purring of the engine and the howling of the accelerator filled the space. I refused to allow any unsettling thoughts to rummage through my head. I, for once, didn’t want to overthink anything enough to back out. It was already too late for that.

I peeked sideways, stealing a glance of him. His hand settled on the window, his eyes momentarily bouncing out of the window and straight on the road. He didn’t try to look at my side. I didn’t blame him though. I basically kidnapped him to come with me.

Eventually, my car came to a halt in front of a very familiar complex. I ignored the knots that began to grow on my stomach and swallowed hard.

I turn to him and speak with a weak smile, “We’re here.”

“And where exactly are we?” He cautiously asked, examining the surroundings.

“The place where you get all your answers, and even more.” 

We got out of the car and walked to the center of the deck. His eyes carefully observed the sight and my breathing slowly started to grow heavier. I involuntarily encased my hand into his and squeezed it tight. His body flinched in surprise but didn’t withdraw. 

I led him into the building and spared the charming receptionist a quick smile as I took him towards the elevator.

I tapped the 12th button and the elevator door shut ahead of us. I frantically began cracking my fingers, an annoying habit I picked when I was nervous and almost near to a breakdown.

“Maya, you don’t have to do this if you are not comfortable. You can tell me whenever you are ready. I am not running away.” He gave a gentle squeeze on my palms reassuringly.

“But you will,” I muttered to myself.

“What?”

“No, I want to do this. I owe this to you, and myself.” It’s now or never.

Just as the door opened, I let in a deep breath. I can do it.

I walked up to the last corner room, my hands still clenched to his. I knocked at the door, my knuckles banging harder than they should. When I heard a ‘come in’ I pushed the door open and walk-in.

“Maya, my most interesting patient. About time, I thought you were going to bail today’s session as well.” Her eyes advanced on the creature standing next to me, “And I see you brought company. That’s new.” 

I turned my gaze on him, who looked equally flabbergasted at this whole scenario. I revert my gaze to her before speaking, “Yes. Sophia, this is Shawn, my… friend.” I turn to Shawn, “And Shawn, this is Sophia, my shrink.”

“I prefer the term therapist better.”  She shot me a coyish smile and continued,” And by Shawn, you mean ‘The Shawn’?” She enunciated the last word with a dramatic effect, raising her eyebrows.

“Umm… yeah. Is that okay?”

“Of course. If him being here helps you in any way, you can use it to your advantage.” She stated as we took a seat in one of her comforting sofas.

“Using isn’t exactly the correct word I would use in this pretext. I-”

“Everyone has a safe place, Maya. A place where we feel safe enough to come out of our shell, despite the fear of darkness hovering upon us to clutch us the moment we come out of our shell, but we simply hold onto that until we are ready to face the darkness alone. Shawn, here is your safe space. I could tell the moment you two walked right in here. Otherwise, what possible explanation could there be that you only brought him along in the last six months and not the gentleman that drove you here every time.”

I looked at him and he turned towards me at the same time. I held his gaze a moment longer before turning my now teary eyes on her.

“Whenever you are ready.” She smiled at me.

~

I calmly inhaled and exhaled as I drowned deeper into memory.

“Isn’t it ironic how we pathetically state that we are enough for ourselves and we don’t need people and their approvals to decide how we choose to live our lives when we all, at some point, at least once tried to fit in somewhere, try everything in our power to please and receive a sense of belonging? Every soul wants to feel wanted, to have a sense that they belong somewhere and that there are people who genuinely care for them. And my four years old self was no different.

We lived in Washington before we transferred to Manhattan. Needless to say, I was away from all our relatives, my cousins specifically. My Kindergarten’s fellow classmates weren’t very nice to me all the time so I felt left out. I used to be the happiest when we would get holidays and meet my cousins. I always felt that they liked me and wanted to play with me. Little did I know what exactly they liked me for. I-I remember it was my summer holidays and I was playing Jenga alone when my two older brothers, John and Peter walked in, with a mischievous grin plastered across their faces. 

They said that they found me growing boring and I was now not fit and cool enough to play with them anymore. I was naive. I told them I would play their games so I won’t be ‘boring’ anymore. They took me to the basement where our parents built a children's room where we can play and stuff and they placed me on the mattress. The next thing I know they-” my voice trailing off, as tears began to build and I struggled to breathe.

“John was on top of me and Peter was just sitting there, watching everything, a smug smile etched on his face that haunted me for years in my nightmares. I told them it hurt, but they said pain is what makes people cool. And it continued for the entire summer. I was four or five years old. I didn’t know about any of it that was happening to me. I started to avoid them, not wanting to experience that pain again, and eventually, they stopped trying. It was years after that reality crashed upon me apparently after we were given ‘sex education' in our early teen stage. The depth of the reality just pushed me deeper into the darkness and I began blaming myself for bringing it upon me. It was my fault. I began to despise myself, my body, my looks, my existence, but mostly, my body. I felt filthy to even look at my own body. I just wanted to get rid of it. I suffered chronic depression, or that’s what I heard from my previous doctor.

In the beginning, I starved myself to death. I didn’t want a body even worth sparing a look at. It sounds stupid when I say it now, but at that point, all I wanted was to look hideous, just as I felt inside. But when I landed on the hospital bed for nearly two weeks, I chose the other alternative. I started eating more. A lot more than any normal human being should, so much that I pushed myself on the verge of obesity. I tried doc, I tried everything to make myself feel as awful as the horrid incident that happened to me. But nothing I did seemed to make me feel slightly better. What I didn’t realize was, I was hurting my parents, so much, in the process.

My dad took a transfer, hoping for a fresh start. But nothing seemed to take my mind out of the black hole of nothingness. I felt numb, at this point. I stopped feeling anything. I would lock myself in the bedroom, cutting out every human relationship and getting sucked in deeper into the darkness. My mom would cry, begging me to tell her what’s going on with me. I knew they wanted to help. I appreciated it when I just didn’t say it out aloud. She wanted me to tell her what was wrong. How could I? What was I supposed to say? That her daughter got molested by the sons of his brother which happened years ago? How do I tell this to someone without sounding crazy?

I didn’t want to be like that. I wanted to get better. I wanted to find the light again. So I tried to go out, make new friends, and do something that I should have never done, going out with a guy. I thought everything was starting to change for the better. I felt like I could breathe again, or so I thought. My supposedly friends eventually betrayed me for good, revealing one of my secrets that I desperately wanted to hide. But what triggered me the most was when my ex-boyfriend, Charlie… h-he tried to drug me to sleep with him. It was so difficult to get myself to get comfortable with hugs. Physical proximity scared me. And when we kissed, when I kissed, it was a very huge deal to me. But all the progress I made simply washed away in vain when he tried to force me to sleep with him. All the memories I tried so hard to push back came rushing to the surface. It wasn’t a good phase. That’s how I knew I had genophobia. It was only natural. I crawled back to the darkness where I came from. I was foolish hoping that I could find light in this nasty, empty dark world. I didn’t deserve any good. I got exactly what I deserved.

I spent all my time, thereafter, creating an unbreakable barrier, cutting off any human connection and emotion. I was scared out of my wits to let anyone remotely close in. I avoided any human emotion, ultimately making me emotionally numb. At a point, I just stopped… feeling. I stopped to just care. It all got worse when my grandma, who I was the closest with, in my entire life and who meant more to me than my life, died and I just stood there, watching her lifeless body lie and couldn’t bring myself to shed a single tear. I felt nothing. No sadness and heaviness took over my chest, wanting to succumb to the pain of loss and cry my guts out. Nothing. 

I am a monster, who doesn’t deserve any good, Sophia. I am not capable of feelings. I am just a soulless body, functioning by the orders received. I shouldn’t be at mercy of any kind of kindness. I am just an awful person.

The worst part is, I don't even know if I am… a virgin or not. I couldn't bring myself to check if I am. The possibility of not being one just pains me. So much. It's like being snatched away from something that was mine to give. It would hurt me to know that it was taken away, without my will.

I thought it was better that way. I wouldn’t let anyone in, just go on with my life, meet people, have meaningless conversations, bid them goodbye and go on. It is easier that way. Until one day, a grey-eyed monster waltzed right into my life as if he owned it. He infuriated me so much, Sophia. I just wanted to stay away from the guy in disguise that screamed trouble. But after I got to know him, all I ever looked after was to find a way to spend a little more time with him. He introduced me to several kinds of emotions that I still couldn’t figure out. It was foreign yet comforting. He began to slowly break the wall I worked so hard building without even trying and me without noticing it. He brought the real meaning of friendship into existence and he didn’t even realize he was giving me everything that I silently wanted all my life. 

That day, when he said that he loved me, nothing could ever come close to what I felt at that moment. It was a state of complete bliss and euphoria, something I never had the privilege to feel. It was exhilarating, Sophia. And that scared me. It scared the living daylight out of me. The things that I felt were scary. I wasn’t supposed to feel. I am not capable of feelings. And just when I put thoughts for a possible future together, I realized it would do more harm than good. I would only break him. Just as I am. I am broken beyond repair and dragging him with me isn’t a life I wish for him. Being with me will only bring him one thing, an irremovable taint, and I care for him enough to not let it happen.”

And just like that, I spilled my entire life out on the ground, my eyes wandering out of the window, rubbing the tear that trickled down the plane of my cheek. There is a stretched quietness for quite a very long time. For the first time, I didn’t mind it though. I was too lost listening to the noises that swirled inside me.

Hey guys, here I am with another update.

This chapter was the most difficult that I had to write so far. I just want to let you guys know, that you are not alone. There are people who go through the same awful experience. It is difficult, even impossible at times, but we get through it. There are resources, help, waiting for us to reach out.

If you ever feel like talking about it, my PMs are always open :)

Drop down your views on this chapter.

I'll see you guys soon.

Stay tuned♡.

~Loveya~( ˘ ³˘)♥