Chapter 29~ Mend What's Broken
The entire night was a blur. The only specifics I remembered was I called Andy and talked to Maddie instead and ran into Shawn out of all people in the same night. Ironic, isn’t it?
Seeing Shawn after all this time was the least I expected tonight. Staring in those dreamy eyes launched uncountable emotions but something felt empty. The blank, coldness that blanketed him pierced an agonizing pain through my chest.
I stared at the ceiling, the ticking of the clock sounded annoyingly loud. I don't even remember how I got into my apartment. My thoughts clouded around the memories of Shawn. Events starting from the day I saw that cocky asshole in the principal's office till the clueless, hurt look on his face when I walked away from the perfect date.
The coldness that radiated through him tonight, hurt. So much that it physically hurt. I didn't blame him.
Damage is done, Maya. His words echoed around my mind restlessly until my eyes felt heavy and soon I drifted off.
**
“Come on, Maya. It's a fun game.” The voice whispered in my ears. He was smiling. It was a weird smile.
"I don't understand this game. And it hurts." I whined. I suggested they play scrabbles with me but they rejected it and I pouted.
"You're no fun, Maya."
"I am." I defended myself. Ugh. They knew I hate it when they say that. I don't have friends around my house and they are the only ones I get to play with and they call me boring. I hate it.
"Don't be silly, Maya. You want to be cool, don't you? You want people to think that you are cool and be your friend right?” He played with his one eyebrow, pulling it up.
How did he do that?
" Yes," I admit. I look down and sigh.
"Good girl. Now come here." He again had that weird smile.
"This is going to be one hell of a show." Another voice mumbled and they high-fived each other.
"Walk faster you little-”
“Get out!” I shrieked in horror. My eyes fled open and I immediately sat back. I panted heavily, my chest rising and falling and warm moisture dripping down my chest.
I tried to calm my nerves and began breathing deeply.
What the heck? Why is this happening again? I never had them all these years. Why now?
The door to my room was pushed open and in came a worried Niall. He must have heard me screaming.
“Maya, are you alright?” He asked in a panicked voice and held my arm.
“Yeah, I'm okay, Niall. It was just a bad dream.” I half lied.
“Jesus! I thought something happened to you and I lost my shit.” His hand that rested on my arm moved back to my head and he pressed his forehead against mine.
“I am okay, really. I'm sorry I woke you up.” I apologized sheepishly.
“Don't be ridiculous. It's my job to protect you at all costs. What are half-boyfriends for?” He joked with a light laugh.
“Shut up. You are not.” I joined him and we both laughed.
“Do you want to talk about your dream?” He asked softly.
“No, it's nothing. I don't even remember it now.” I lied. I didn't want him to worry about my long-lost nightmares.
“Okay, then. I will leave you be. But if you need anything, just run into my arms.” He winked at me before getting up.
Could he ever leave a chance to flirt?
I giggled and gave him a nod before he shut the door behind him and I shook my head.
I lay back down and let in a deep breath. I need to go for my therapy session tomorrow. I thought to myself. I have no idea why I keep going back there when we are stuck in the same loop for over a year now.
Just as I was about to drift off, I mumbled to myself-
I will go and find Shawn tomorrow.
~
My eyes squeezed tight in annoyance from the light that crawled into my dark room when Niall opened the blinds and threw the curtains to each side.
“It's too early for heaven's sake, stop torturing my eyes,” I whined loudly.
“It's 10 a.m. Maya. Wake up sunshine.” His voice was too cheery for a morning.
“Tell your sunshine to shut it off and go back to sleep.” I squeezed the pillow over my head to block out any bothering noise.
“It's a new day. A new day for a new beginning and- ahh you know what? I don't have anything else to add. I suck at motivation, so get your cute ass up and get to work.” He flashed a bright smile and exited after dusting the entire room in a few minutes.
His words echoed in my mind. A new day for a new beginning.
Shawn.
I needed to get Shawn to listen to what I had to say, which was, possibly not something that I was sure of, but he needed to hear my side of the story.
Skyridge, Arcade Avenue. I recollected from my hazy memory as I turned the faucet and splashed the cool fluid against my skin.
“Are you heading out somewhere? Do you need a ride?” Niall asked from the kitchen as I approached to grab the car keys.
“Yes, I am. And no, I'll be okay. I'll drive.” I flashed him a tight smile as I took the keys between my fingers.
“You sure? I can give you a ride.” He kept a cool monotone but his eyes pleaded mine, trying to shove the excitement behind.
I felt the guilt launching barrels against my chest for not letting him come along with me. But given the circumstances, it would rather be a better option to keep him out of my clueless mission impossible.
I managed to shake my head in disapproval and his face fell but quickly pulled back and threw me a small smile. I quickly waved him goodbye and exited the apartment and walked towards the car, trying to come up with any sort of idea on the way.
~
Before I knew it, I was standing towards the step leading to the entrance of the hotel. I paced back and forth, trying to relax my breathing.
It's just Shawn. You don't have to be so nervous. You've been with him for so long, it was never awkward. And neither will it be this time. I pep talked myself.
Yeah, but you never made a fool out of yourself before too and hurt him in the process so you're the joke here, bitch. My subconscious mocked.
My conscious and subconscious mind had been in a constant tug of war battle ever since I started my therapy sessions. It's so exhausting to listen to your two different voices at the same time and listen to your way out of one of them and not make a complete fool of yourself.
I turned around a little and as soon as I climbed the stairs, I saw Shawn standing near the reception through the glass entrance.
God, I forgot how beautiful he was. Beautiful would be an odd word for reference. He is handsome or smart as anyone would like to describe him. Granted, he is. No doubt about that. But he is more than just a pretty face. He brings out the best in everyone and gives a reason to laugh a little harder and smile a little brighter. He has a selfless and beautiful soul. If I have to put him into a word, that's what it would be. Beautiful.
I quietly walked through the entrance and walked towards him. He had his phone pressed on his ears. He rubbed his temple through the other hand as he continued speaking on the phone, a gesture I noticed that he did when he grew frustrated.
”Alright, fine. But please, just… let me know whenever he is free.” ”Yeah okay, thanks.” He cut the line.
His eyebrows knitted together in a frown and he rubbed his forehead with his fingers.
His eyes met mine and momentarily flickered in astonishment. I slyly walked up to him and stood there, unable to form any words.
“What are you doing here?” He asked coolly.
His words seemed to grow more callous the more he shared conversation with me.
“I-umm… I am here to take you out for lunch if that's okay with you?” I slyly raised my eyebrows, hoping it would be charming enough not to decline.
“No thanks.” He blurted enthusiastically.
“Please?” I tried to summon my best puppy eyes.
“Why? Why do you want to take me out for lunch?” He crossed his arms.
“Because I owe you one. Come on, Shawn. I won't bite. I promise. Let's just have a friendly lunch, for old times' sake.”
He rolled his eyes but gave in anyway.
“Fine. One lunch. Only because I'm hungry and this room service seems like they are hell-bent to rob me. The food isn't that great anyway.” He bickered as we walked out of the entrance and headed towards my parked car.
“Where are you taking me?” He asked as he fastened his seat belt.
“One of my favorite places in town.” I smiled as the engine roared into life and raced towards the destination.
~
“This place has such country club vibes. It's so cool!” Shawn exclaimed in a low voice as we entered the rooftop dining.
The floor was laminated with wooden flooring, small cute jute lamps hanging on the overhead branches of a tree, and orchids nestled between the twigs. The ambiance looked heavenly. Yellow orchid circular tables with orange chairs were fitted at the four corners and cubic ones scattered in between.
I motioned him for the corner table and he followed. After we seated, a seemingly sweet lady walked up to our table whose name tag read 'Claire' with a cheery smile.
“Welcome. Have you decided what you would like to order?”
“Bring me a cheeseburger and fries with it, and oh, one glass of coke.” He told the man who arrived at our table to take our orders.
“I would like lasagna. Thank you.” I smiled at her as I dropped the menu and she walked off, scribbling into her small notepad.
“Are you sure you could eat that entire lasagna on your own?” He eyed me with judgment and raised his eyebrow with a smirk. That complete jerk package.
“Do not underestimate me, mister. I eat more than you can imagine or more than you can actually so do not challenge me, pretty boy.” I winked at him in mischief, alleging that I have the upper hand.
His smile immediately dropped and I internally cursed myself for ruining the moment.
“I am sorry. I shouldn't have called you that. I'm so stupid.” I timidly apologized.
“Pretty boy. I haven't heard that name for a while now.” He mumbled, more to himself.
Awkward.
The awkwardness was paused when the waiter appeared at our table placing two plates on both sides. I nodded him a thank you and he excused himself, leaving us both with our warm food and stolen glances as awkward quietness prevailed.
To say that the lunch went peacefully and comfortably would be a very contrary statement from reality. I stuffed my never-ending lunch down my throat as Shawn's lunch remained untouched and his fries turned into pawns of his fork game.
None of us defied the silence that enclosed our table. We exchanged a few sheepish smiles momentarily, but that was it.
I began to grow anxious. This wasn't how I planned our afternoon to go. Well, not that I had anything planned, but this was definitely not how it was supposed to be.
“How long are you staying?” I finally stepped forward to break the silence.
He looked up at me but quickly looked away as he spoke, “A week or so. I am not sure, but I assume it shouldn't be more than that.”
“Oh,” I replied with a forced smile.
“Eager to send me away?” He smirked as he pulled his eyebrows up playfully. But something about it told me otherwise.
“Why would you think that? You know I don't want you gone.” I stated but that merely came out like a mumble.
He widened his mouth to say something but decided against it. Instead, he looked around everything but me and sipped his glass of ice coke.
“Shawn, please… don't be like this. We can at least talk. Let's just have a civil conversation like adults for once.” I began to grow frustrated. I knew what I did was not acceptable but he didn't have to act like a brat constantly.
He huffed loudly before placing his both hands on the table.
“Fine, let's talk. Let's start from the very beginning. Would you, perhaps, care to elaborate what suddenly went so wrong that you left me hanging in the middle of our supposed 'date' and stormed off and lied to me about it if I might add.” He was trying really hard not to snap at me.
“I-I don't know. I just did. I didn't know why but I just had to.” I defended myself.
“Lies. You just keep feeding me lies. How long are you going to pretend that you don't know when you exactly knew what you were doing.”
Ouch.
His words were desperately trailing off, avoiding to surface his words out visciously with rage tied along with it.
“Shawn-”
“No, Maya. You don't always have the upper hand here. I don't want to sit around waiting for you like a fool when all you want is to toy my feelings until you are bored and discard me like trash. I don't want that.” I looked up at him. The immense hurt was evident in his eyes. Hurt, rage, and betrayal. I created a tsunami in his calm pool of grey eyes.
I hated myself even more now.
“Is that what you think of me? That I only want to play with your feelings?” My voice was barely audible. My words choked under my throat as I found myself unable to utter a single syllable and my chest felt like it began to chisel out, shred by shred.
“Isn't that what happened? You left me right after I confessed that I love… loved you. And not just the date, you left the city! Was I that unbearable to you?” He stared at me with curious eyes, probably waiting for my answer.
Instead of the question hovering upon me for answers, I couldn't help but find myself oddly, greatly bothered by the word loved. Why did he change it from love to loved? Doesn't he love me anymore? Why is this past tense? Is it all I am to him now? His past? I hoped not.
”So… I would take that silence as a yes.” He looked away, not bothering to conceal the hurt in his voice this time.
“What? No! I'm sorry I zoned out for a minute. I was thinking about something. Never mind. But the point is, you got it all wrong, Shawn. It's the… opposite of what you think. I am so sorry for ever making you feel like you were not good enough for me or that you are unbearable to me. I swear that wasn't my intention. I'm just… I'm not an easy person, Shawn. I am a lot for a person to handle. But more than that, I'm just messed up. Completely broken and messed up. No matter how much I pretend that I am alright, but in reality, it's the complete opposite of it. I have my baggage, Shawn. And not just any baggage, some dark baggage and it would be so unfair to drag you into this. It seemed the best option for you at that time, so I acted on it.”
I couldn't believe I said that. I didn't have the slightest clue as to what I was going to say but it all came out from a grave dug deep down somewhere. I finally had some sort of answer to my crazy runaway.
“That wasn't your decision to make, Maya. You do not get to choose what's best for me. You didn't even try, Maya. What is so bad that you cannot even consider that I would be okay with it? Did you even confide it to yourself?”
His last words hit me like a truck. That was it. He was right.
“Maya, do you trust me?” I felt his fingers wrapping around mine and his touch instantly sent me into my la-la land. His thumbs circled around my palm, thereby rapidly increasing the pace of my heartbeat.
I nodded and held him tighter with my thumb.
“Then please, first accept it for yourself, forgive yourself, and try to move past it. Life is too short to keep pulling back for something that happened a long time ago.” He gave me a tight-lipped smile.
How was it that after everything I had done to him, he was here, guiding me to the right path every time I needed someone to point me in the direction?
He was, indeed, my guiding light to my agonizing darkness.
I intertwined my fingers with his and stood up, leading us towards the exit.
“Where are we going?” He asked as he tried to catch up.
“You would see.” I smiled as I reached the door.
He stopped in his tracks, making me turn around to face him.
“We can't go.” He stated in a stern voice.
My smile dropped as I watched his hands going back of his jeans and sliding into his pocket.
“We have to pay the bill first, Tinkerbell.” He laughed as he turned around to the cashier.
My heart danced in joy as that word finally tickled my heart, for obvious reasons.
Hey guys! I'm so sorry for the late updates. My schedule has been crazy over the past few weeks, exams and studies taking almost all of it.
I really hope you guys liked the chapter.
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PREWARNING: Next chapter contains mature and triggering content. The 'dark' part of the story that I had been bickering about ever since I started the book, it is a very sensitive topic. I am really hoping you guys would positively take the issue addressed.
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~Loveya~( ˘ ³˘)♥
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