I couldn't move.

My body felt numb as I stood there, shivering under the cold, winter night. My mind was too paralyzed to process what I just heard.

As the information sunk in, I realized the loss I was going to come on terms with.

She's...gone. I will not see her... Ever again.

I turned away, with my back facing them, and I stared down on the ground blankly.

“Maya...?” Shawn spoke softly, his hands rubbing my arms.

“I will never see her again. She wouldn't give me any advice from now on. Sh-she was so excited to see Lizzy perform for the first time. She didn't even get the chance to. Sh-she is gone, Shawn... She's gone.” I muttered softly, an emotionless tear trickling down on my cheek.

“I'm so sorry, Maya. I'm sorry.” A warm tear trickled down, burning the crook of my neck as he hugged me tightly. I didn't reciprocate. I stood there still, numb.

“I need to go.” I huffed as I pushed him away. He watched me in shock as I avoided any sort of contact.

“Maya-”

“I need to go.” I stormed off and let my feet move to somewhere, anywhere away from all of this fiasco until I realized I was standing right in front of the porch of my house. I was too busy hoping to wake up from this terrible sleep and conclude it was all just a horrific dream. But it wasn't. 

I turned my doorknob and stormed off directly inside my room. I wasn't in the state to talk to anyone. All I wanted was to be left alone.

I felt someone's footsteps coming up by the stairs as I sunk my face deep inside my cold pillow.

“Sweetie? Are you okay?” I heard my mom's worried voice echoing around my room as the bed sunk in deeper as she sat on it.

“Did you know about... Mrs. Evans?” I asked, my face still dipped inside the pillow.

“Y-yeah. We learned about it this evening. I tried calling you but your phone was not reachable.” She spoke softly.

“I want to be left alone, Mom.” I said, coldly.

She just nodded and stood up to leave. She turned slowly and said, “It will be soon all okay, sweetie.” And left the room, closing the door behind her.

It's already too late for that, Mom.
                                  ~

The sunlight crawled in through the minimum space allowed by the fallen curtains, the rays sending gentle warmth on the floor.

But the closer the rays crept inside, the more my anticipation grew in. My eyes fluttered close as I struggled to hold myself to get up and shut down the little light that illuminated my murky room.

I stared at my ceiling emptily, my body glued at the center of my now very warm bed for exactly three days. I hadn't left my bed ever since that night. Consequently, missing all of my classes and avoiding hurricanes of calls and messages. I wasn't avoiding anyone, I was just taking my time to cope up with... stuff.

I heard the clicking of the door open and I immediately groaned under my breath. I forced to lift my head only to see my mom shooting me disapproving glares.

“How long are you planning to hide inside your room, Maya Matthews?” Her stern voice echoed around the room.

She called me by my full name! She must be pissed.

“I am not hiding, Mom. I just don't feel like going out.” I grumbled.

“You can't fool me, Maya. I'm your mother. Are we again back at square one where you block everyone whenever something like this collides?”

“Mom, please don't get started with this again. I am really not in the mood. Just leave me alone.” I huffed, sinking my face into the pillow.

She threw up her hand in despair and yelled something before leaving, “You can't stay in here forever. Eventually, you have to accept reality. Don't push away the good things you have now for the things you already lost.” She vigorously shook her head and exited the room quietly.

I felt a hot, burning sensation running down my cheek as a detested tear leaked down and I flinched my eyes shut, tightly, to stop it, but I couldn't.

I wasn't supposed to feel this weak.
                                   ~

My phone beeped for the gazillionth times now. Annoyed, I picked it up and scrolled down to find 407 messages. I didn't bother looking at any of the text and scrolled up to see the most recent text. I had 59 messages from him and I honestly didn't want to go through all of them and so, my eyes drifted towards the latest text.

'If you don't answer after this text, I'm seriously going to barge in!'

'Could you at least reply and let me know that you are safe?'

Under normal circumstances, I would have felt happy to see someone caring even an ounce about me, but today I just felt frustrated with people clinging over me and hardly letting me breathe.

'I am fine. Don't worry about me.'  Was all I managed to type and tossed my phone over the sheets and walked towards my stand mirror.

The puffiness and the dark bags under my eyes were evident and my face grew duller. I let out an exasperated sigh and walked towards the sink, slapping my face with splashes of cold water. I looked over at the girl in the mirror and let my mind wander around the memory of how happy she was with her almost perfect little life and how it gravitated into a dark hole of absolute nothingness.

The facade I tried so hard maneuvering into a perfect life seemed to slowly fall apart and being unable to do anything about it started eating me up as a whole.

“I miss you, Mrs. Evans.” I muttered, looking up at the dark, blank gypsum ceiling.

It was the first time I mentioned her after the news. Surely, the news had an impact on me. Good or bad, I didn't know. The loss was too much to handle, for me. Words would fail to express the gratitude and love I had for her. I loved her more than anything else that mattered. Sometimes, more than my parents. Sometimes when you can't share matters with your parents, but you need someone to give a piece of elderly advice and guidance, she was that someone for me. Not only did I lose a guide, but I also lost a best friend.

I restrained myself to think about her furthermore and scooted over my bed, playing sad songs on my phone. Soon, my vision darkened until all I saw was black.
                                  ~

Time passed at the speed of a sloth and all I wanted was to get over with this day. I sent my somehow-completed college essay to all the colleges I shortlisted and immediately shut the laptop as I completed all the formalities. I stretched my arms and placed my hand on the crook of my neck and moved it in circles for a few minutes. I got up, tying my hair into a high bun, and headed to make my bed. I had enough thrills for a day and a good sleep was all I needed, though I didn't get any in the past few days. 

My phone rang with a call and I tilted my head to look over at the screen of the phone, placed over the bed. Shawn called for the seventh time, as I was expecting and I gave in finally. I took the phone and placed it in my ears while I jerked the sheets to throw away the cookie crumbles I ate like a monster.

“You are going to allow me into your room and promise to not shout and ask stupid questions about how and whys.” He commanded as soon as the call was answered.

“Huh?”

“Shush. I am almost about to reach. Just a step there... alright, just a small jump and holding the bars and that's it. Okay, okay I got it.” He talked to himself on the phone.

“Are you high or something, Shawn?” I asked, a tint of annoyance visible on my tone.

He didn't talk further. However, I saw him walking towards me with a weak smile. I felt the beating of my heart stopped for a second. Although it was me distancing myself from other people, I didn't know how much I missed him until now. A sudden feeling of warmth and anxiousness made a way and settled inside me as he stood there still, looking at me with a blank face. 

I looked around here and there and again resumed staring back at him, but he still didn't say anything. After a suffocating long time passed, it was becoming unbearable. Now, all I wanted is him to speak something, anything. To talk to me. When I still didn't get any reaction, I submitted and spoke,

“What are you doing here, Shawn?”

Really productive, Maya.

“You don't answer our texts. Or calls. You sent us away, sent ME away, when we came to see you. You ghosted me. What was I supposed to do instead of climbing up through the pipes and sneaking inside your room like a trespasser?” He blurted out, rather coldly.

I don't blame him though. It was I who created this mess in the first place. What was he supposed to think other than me ghosting him all of a sudden right after we... shared our moment. I wouldn't be surprised if he hated me now.

“Shawn, I didn't ghost you. I wasn't just in the right state to socialize. I was in a dark place, kind of. The past few days weren't really bright.” I admitted in remorse.

“Isn't that why we are here for you? Why am I here for you, Maya? To be there with you in your lowest state and help you get through it.”

I searched for the right words and sentences to retaliate but I didn't find any. What could I possibly say to get off the hook as this one?

“I-I”

“This just wasn't fair, Maya to push us all away when you needed us when you are the one who sticks around until the end with all of us. Do we stand so low to you that you didn't even think us capable of proving ourselves as a worthy friend?” The extent of hurt was evident in his breaking voice. 

I didn't realize the extent of hurt I caused to my friends, who I started considering a family. I hurt them immensely. That broke my heart and I hated myself for that.

“No, Shawn. You don't. None of you do. You guys are the closest thing I consider as a family other than my real ones.”

“Really? Your actions prove otherwise.” He gave a weak smile, rather the disapproving one.

I flinched my face tight, trying to control the wave of emotions that choked my throat and the threatening tears that teased to lash out anytime. I looked over at him and it seemed he struggled with the same.

“You told me that you trusted me. You told me that you were scared to let anyone in but you weren't when it was me because you trusted me. You trusted me enough to share your unheard stories and secrets nobody knew. Then why couldn't you trust me enough to let me in when you were grieving?”

I watched him, staring at me with a demanding face. He needed answers. Answers that I didn't know of, till yet. 

“I wasn't grieving, Shawn.” Was all I managed to say.

“So you're gonna lie to me now? I know what Mrs. Evans meant to you and you know what? It isn't a crime to grief and mourn the death of a loved one.” He growled.

I wasn't liking where this was going. I inhaled and exhaled sharply. That still didn't work. I was almost on the verge of my breaking point. I couldn't lose control.

“I wasn't grieving for goodness's sake. Yes, I am really upset that she isn't with us. Could you please not bring her into this? It already is more depressing than it has to be. But I wasn't grieving. I didn't even shed a single tear! Why? Because I am not capable of feelings!”

“You're exaggerating now, Maya. You don't wanna own up for ghosting me, fine. But don't accuse yourself of such things when we all know the truth.”

“I am not exaggerating. I am incapable of feelings and I don't deserve the love and affection you guys give me. I don't deserve any of it.”

“Why are you so negative about yourself?” He growled.

I watched him in awe, in a loss of words.

“You pretend all goody-goody in front of everyone, trying to spread all positive vibes everywhere where you are actually the negative vibe here!” He yelled in frustration.

I felt my face burn due to anxiousness. I couldn't hold it anymore. I reached beyond my breaking point.

“So you think you know me all, huh? How long have you known me? Few months? Just because you heard some of my stories and know one or two things about my family, you think you have me all figured out? Well then guess what? You still know nothing about me and you never will!” I lashed out at him, gasping for air, with tears building up in the corner of my eyes.

His expression shifted from exasperation to empathy. 

“I didn't mean it that way, Maya-”

“Do you think it's easy for me? To be an introvert? To watch other people of my age chilling with their friends, finding love and discovering themselves while I sit here inside my room for, like my entire life, with books and assignments with absolutely no human connection. No! It isn't. It wasn't. Until I found you guys. You have no idea how thankful I am to you for bringing those people into my life. And I tried so hard to fit in, trust me, I did. But sometimes, being around so many people made it overbearing for me that I hardly feel like I could breathe. It isn't my forte but I keep trying until one day, I do. But one thing I certainly don't do is pass judgments on a friend without knowing him/her completely.” I burst out. 

“Do you have any idea how it feels to be judged by a friend, a best friend when he/she doesn't know your story? It's the same as handing over your heart to someone just for them to stab it and shred it into pieces.”

“You never allowed me in to tell me your story!” Shawn retorted.

“I was getting to it! I don't trust people enough to narrate my story that I so desperately try to hide. I don't let people in easily and you of all people know that very well. Trusting people, letting someone in. Where has that ever gotten me? So sue me for having trust issues.”

“Maya, you-”

“I suggest you leave, Shawn. I had enough thrills for a day, thank you very much.” I ordered bluntly.

“Maya-”

“Leave, Shawn. Or I might have to call my dad.”

He pursed his lips tight, giving up any further quarrel we could have continued. He looked at me softly, his expression hurt but rather vague, and stumped off silently through the balcony. He climbed down by the pipe, his hands holding a firm grip on the bars. He looked over at me for one last time before disappearing off into the darkness.

I heaved out a heavy sigh that I didn't know I was holding until now.

I just fought with him. I just fought with my best friend. He didn't deserve any of it. I practically vented out all my frustration upon him. 

I picked up my phone and searched for his chats to text him.

'I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you like that. I just had an awful day and you happened to be there at a bad time. You didn't deserve any of it. I am so sorry, Shawn.' I typed in the message as fast as my fingers permitted. But the coward inside me lacked the courage to press the send button. I deleted the entire text and threw my phone over the nightstand.

I threw myself on the bed and curled up inside my sheets, drawing the blanket up to my chin and replayed the incident over and over again.

Although I admitted it was wrong of me to lash out at him unnecessarily, he did say hurtful words that triggered me to do it. A constant battle continued between the mind and the heart as I failed to conclude as of who was at fault. At this point, I didn't know anymore.

I held my penguin soft toy with all my strength closer to my chest and perhaps after a long time, probably after years, I cried my heart out until I dozed off.

Hey guys! I hope you liked the chapter.
I am so sorry for the late updates. I am so caught with all these classes and work that I barely get time. And also, network here in my grandma's place really sucks.
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~Loveya~( ˘ ³˘)♥