You know who you are.

I think most people can guess I'm a writer here on wattpad. My first story has been up for over a year now and I still continue to write fanfiction and original stories. Writing and photography are currently my passions.

Most people think that just because I have a big house and my family has lots of money that I'm always happy.

Boy are they wrong.

I've been suffering with anxiety and depression for over a year now. I have also struggled with self harm and suicidal thoughts for about a year as well.

I do not have a good relationship with my parents. We constantly fight and my dad will sometimes get a little rough with me while we were fighting. He kicked me out of the house once until my mom got home.

November 3rd, 2014. The day I made the worst decision of my life.

I tried to run away.

Instead of going to school, I made the bus driver believe I had to get something from my house. My bag was packed with some sweatshirts, food, and a bunch of other things. I had walked all the way to the train station.

I got on a train.

I don't know how, but I didn't have to pay any money even though I did not have a ticket.

Later, I got worried texts from my mother about how the school called and said I wasn't there.

Now I have a closer relationship with my mom than my dad, so I texted her saying I wanted to come home.

So I did.

I'm not going to go into any more details about that because I hate just thinking about it.

Anyway, school had continued to be stressful that year. I started not doing assignments and never turned them in. My teachers hated me.

That year in school, I had also started seeing a therapist because of what had happened earlier in the year. I don't like my parents knowing about my mental illnesses, mostly because I know that they will continue to look at me differently. Plus they would just have something else to give them to get mad at me about.

Also in school that year, all the students in my grade had to do an 'inspiring change' project. Me and a friend of mine had decided to talk about our depression and suicidal stories. We also talked about the two as a whole, but we thought stories about people they knew would help them understand.

I was debating about whether to say my story was about me or not, but I decided to say it was me.

I wish I didn't.

While my friend (who has now ditched me for the popular group) was getting told that everyone was there for her and things like that.

On the other hand, people said I said it for attention and called me and 'attention whore' and 'an attention seeking bitch.'

Only three people believed me. (My guy friends and the one teacher that didn't hate me.)

Not long after that, I started writing because my depression and anxiety had gotten worse and I just needed a distraction. I had started reading on wattpad around that time, so I published it on there.

I had also started self harming and my suicidal thoughts became more constant.

Let's get a bit more recent, shall we?

I feel invisible. On all my social media accounts, I've gotten less attention than I usually do. Sure, say I want attention. That seems to be how everyone else sees me, right?

I really needed some people. I was drifting from my best internet friend and everything had been and has been getting worse and worse.

My grades have been dropping with no real explanation and my friends have been acting like I don't exist.

Which reminds me, let me tell you of a birthday party I went to not long ago.

The party had been for a friend of mine and we went to the mall then went back to her house.

I was trying to jump into the conversation every once and awhile or join the activity but every time people would just brush me off.

It soon became too much and I hid in the bathroom and cried for the rest of the party.

What really broke my heart was no one had noticed I was gone.

There was one point where another girl had disappeared for two minutes and everyone had started looking for her.

At that point I had been gone for twenty minutes.

The next day at school the girl hosting the party said that her mother expected an apology because I had been disrespectful.

But wasn't I the one hiding in the bathroom while she and everyone else pretended I was never there?

Anyway.

I've attempted suicide about 5 times with no success.

You probably don't believe me because how can someone try to die so many times without succeeding or anyone knowing?

Basically, I had tried to overdose on pills but oh wow those didn't work.

I've been self harming constantly.

I'm being cyberbullied by multiple people.

I'm even currently planning my own death.

I've probably kept you long enough.

To sum this all up, I'm currently drowning in my own mind and have no idea what more I can do.

Have a good day.

You know who you are. My advice for you is stop self harming. It won't do anybody any good and won't solve any problem. I have suicidal thoughts. A lot of them. I have them so much I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get schizophrenia, but you are appreciated. Maybe not at home or school but we all support you here. The reason your 'friends' might be ignoring you is bc they don't understand your incredible ideas. My advice: find new friends. Don't listen to what people at school say. You shouldn't really care. I've learned that with the years. You can never make everyone happy. You shouldn't waste your life trying. The anxiety will pass. Eventually. You'll still get attacks from time to time but you gotta find a safe heaven for when that happens. To me, that's music. It's good that you talk to your counselor at school. Maybe ask her for some advice on how to overcome depression bc since I'm going through it myself I can't help you much on that. Try to make the relationship with your mom grow. Do somethings you both like with her. I know ending your life seem like a great idea, but that would be like loosing. I'm a sore loser, that's the only reason I haven't attempted, but do NOT let them win. Forget about social media. Fan account are bae and everyone here loves you. As for your grades, have you tried tutoring? I know what's it's like to feel invisible but remember that here you are appreciated.  I hope all gets better soon.

Anyone who wishes to send in their story pm me here or dm to my Instagram which is @/hungergamesproblems0110. You can also mail it to me @/[email protected] but let me know if you do.

Love y'all

- Valentina💋