3: Concert for the Dead 

Hi, my name is Dazzle Amaria Gomez, 17. No sleep, no dreams. Thank you. 

Napabuntonghininga ako at nilukot ang papel na pinagsulatan nito. Who am I kidding? I couldn't just barge right in front of everyone and shove them the fact that at my age, I still don't know what to do with my life.

Ni hindi ko nga pwedeng sabihin na napilit lang ako ni Dad kaya andito ako ngayon sa strand na 'to kahit pa mas bagay naman talaga ang sa GAS. 

And for the love of God, I can't just give them the attitude that I always gave every other person before. 

Or maybe, I can address my condition properly, without sounding like sarcasm or an insult. But my dear, I was doing that the whole time yet everyone still thinks I'm a cold-blooded bitch who knows nothing about the existence of heart, so nevermind. 

"Abella."  

"Next. "

"Corpus" 

"Next." 

"Del Puerto." 

Nag umpisa nang magtawag si Sir ng mga apilyedong papupuntahin sa harap dahilan para halos manginig ang kamay kong may hawak ng ballpen. 

Anak ng tupa, wala pa akong nasusulat.

Hindi rin nakatutuwang parang naka-fast forward ang speed ni Sir sa pagtatawag. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung nagpapanic lang ba ako o baka ganoon na nga talaga siguro ka disidido at sigurado ang mga kaklase ko sa mga landas na gusto nilang tahakin, kaya napag-iiwanan ako. 

"Enrile." 

"Next." 

"Escobar." 

Agad akong napasinghal. Mga ganitong panahon ko talaga naiisip na sana ibang lalaki na lang ang pinakasalan ni Mommy e. 'Yong hindi sana gago at nagsisimula sa letter Z ang apelyido.  

I rolled my eyes with the thought. 

However, when Sir Fletcher continued to call our surnames, the feeling of being small suddenly made its way through my system again. Because honestly, seeing everyone with those spark in their eyes and dreams to chase, I somehow felt out of place. 

They're all motivated and dedicated. Ask them to introduce themselves and they can easily do that wholeheartedly. It's just that they seem to know where to go. They seem to know who they are and what they want to be. 

And I wanted to be like that too.

"Fuentes." 

"Next." 

"Galves." 

But how can I? When my dreams were as blank as this intermediate paper? When I still don't know where to go and can't even see a fucking pavement underneath my feet. 

Few more turns, and a sigh escaped my lips as I immediately jump to my last resort before Sir Fletcher's call.  

"Next." 

Right after I finished writing my essay, I was called out so I braced myself and walked my way in front of everyone. Literally holding on to a lie I've decided to take. 

"Hello, I am Dazzle Amaria Gomez. 17, and I want to be a kindergarten teacher."

See Orion? This is one of those ridiculous life choices I made. 

Damn it. 

After I finished reciting my essay, I look at my classmates only to see the amazement on their faces. Kahit si Sir Fletcher ay pinuri pa ako ng kaunti dahil sa sinabi kong pangarap at mga kaakibat na kasinungalingan nito. 

At oo, hinayaan ko naman siya. 

Well I know what I did was wrong but I was kinda pressured, okay? Besides, I can't just hurt these people, not my adviser, not my classmates. Definitely, not these people.

Narealize ko kasi, kaya siguro ganoon ang sagot ko kay Tita Gina noong kinder ay dahil kabit siya ng tatay ko. I don't know, maybe I just hate her, and I kinda don't give a shit about her feelings that time. 

But looking at my classmates right now, looking at these people that I don't even hate, mga taong wala namang kasalanan sa 'kin, I can't just do that. I can't just ruin other's dreams just because I don't have any. 

I can't just be as insensitive as before, at least not with them. So yeah, paninindigan ko nalang. I'll just sugarcoat things about my dream until I graduate in Senior High. 

•••

Mukha man akong palaka dahil sa paraan ng pag upo ko, binalewala ko nalang ito at napatitig sa kalangitan. Katulad noon huli kong punta rito ay hindi pa rin nakalulubog ang araw. Mabuti nga at maaga kaming pinauwi mula sa school kaya sinamatala ko na ang pagkakataon at dumiretso na agad dito sa Yawaka City Memorial Park para dalawin si Mommy. 

Inilapag ko ang paborito niyang bulalak sa kanyang puntod matapos ko itong malinisan. 

"I still don't have dreams but I'm learning to fake it." I let out a bleak laugh as I gently touched my mother's tombstone. 

"I can even write long narrative essays with all the things that they want to hear about my so-called-dream. Well, at least I can pretend that I have one, isn't it a progress, Mom?" 

Mapakla akong natawa sa sariling tinuran. Ilang sandali akong natahimik habang inaalala ang masayang mukha ng mga kaklase ko kanina. Lalo na ang titig sa 'kin ni Sir Fletcher na para bang isa siyang proud na proud na ama at animo'y naniniwala talaga siyang may mararating ako sa buhay. 

"But honestly, Mom," maya maya ay sambit ko at nilaro ang sunflower na dala ko para sa kanya. 

"I kinda feel sad because I lied to my entire section. It's just that, if I told them the truth, that I still can't write anything about my dream job, would anyone believe me? Pagtatawanan lang nila ako. Nobody would take it seriously and hell, maybe Sir Fletcher will even pity me." Napayuko ako. 

And I don't want anyone to pity me. Mas mabuti nang matakot sila sa 'kin kaysa kaawaan nila ako. Isa pa, I'm not a kid anymore, I can't always leave a blank on something, even if I don't know what to fill it with yet." I sighed.

"It can't always be blank." 

Muli kong hinalukay ang pusa kong back pack saka bumaling sa katabing nitso ni Mommy. 

"'Di ba, Tito Alfred? Saka baka naman magustuhan ko rin balang araw 'yong trabahong pinagsasabi ko," sabi ko at nilagyan rin ng bulaklak ang puntod nito.

"Pasensya na, mahal ang sunflower kaya yellow bell nalang muna sa inyo. Pinitas ko 'yan doon sa school kanina," sabi ko nalang at pinagpagan pa ang lapida nito. Nakakahiya lang kasi na bibigyan ko si mommy ng bulaklak at lilinisan ang lapida niya tapos 'yong mga katabi niya, wala. 

Pansin ko rin kasing hindi na nalilinisan ang lapida nina Tito Alfred at Ate Marjorie, mga nakahimlay malapit sa kinaroroonan ni mommy. Mukhang matagal na panahon na nang may huling dumalaw sakanila.

Although hindi ko talaga sila kilala pero nakaka-konsensya lang kasi na halos weekly ako kung dumalaw kay Mommy tapos hindi ko man lang sila papansinin. Kaya binibgyan ko na rin sila ng mga bulaklak at paminsan minsan na ring nililinisan ang mga lapida nila. 

Kinakausap ko nga rin e. 

I took a deep breath before I start singing one of my Mom's song. It's entitled as Black Hole and basically ito rin 'yong tinugtog ko sa abandonadong night club noong nakaraan. Sayang nga lang at hindi ko dala ang gitara ko ngayon. 

"How does it feel to lose yourself in the celestial sphere? How does it feel to be killed inside your own universe?" 

I just feel like releasing my stress due to the sugarcoating I did earlier and Mom's song is the only thing that can make me feel better. Palagi naman kasing ganito simula noon. Her lyrics really saved my life.

"I wanna know because in the sky full of stars, I am the black hole." 

"Concert for the Dead?" 

I almost gasped as a voice suddenly came out from nowhere. Mabilis akong napalingon at doon nadatnan ang nakangiting si Orion. Nakatayo na pala sa likuran ko.

"Ano sa tingin mo ang ginagawa mo dito?" I asked nonchalantly as I stood up. Ngunit nang maramdaman ang pangagalay ng binti ko ay hindi na lamang muna sinubukang humakbang at tinapunan nalang ito ng masamang tingin. 

Mukhang napansin niya ito kaya bahagya siyang napa atras. "Anong klaseng tingin yan Amaria? Malamang may dinadalaw din ako dito," sabi naman niya at may tinuro sa di kalayuan. 

"Then why are you standing in front of me?" 

"Because you can summon me with great music? And no matter who and where you are, I'll be there?" naka ngisi nitong saad ngunit agad lang akong natigilan. 

"So you think my mom's music is great?" 

He nodded. 

"By the way, nasa gazebo na 'yon si Mom and she wants to meet you, so let's go!" 

Agad nanlaki ang mga mata ko dahil sa sinabi niya at mas lalong nagwala ang puso ko nang walang ano-ano'y hilahin na niya ako.

"Wait, what the hell." I tried to be calm upon uttering the words yet the rapid beating of my heart never stopped. And the most irritating part, he just rendered his ears deaf with my every word!

Bakit ba kasi ipapakilala? Ng ganito ka bilis? Ni kahapon nga lang kami pormal na nagka-kilala. 

And for the love of God, these the past years puro mga non-living thing nga lang ang mga kausap ko. Ni wala pa nga akong kaibigan sa school at nagsasalita lang talaga kapag may individual presentation and such!

So how the hell should I start a conversation with normal and living people? 

Damn this shit, Orion. kakakausap ko pa nga lang sa mga lapida!