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C A R L

The palms of my grimy hands cling firmly to the rough denim of my pants. My knee, just below the grip of my palm, bounces up and down, nervously.

I watch as the woman across from me takes her time with the setup of her camcorder. She slowly glides around the room, just before settling down on the sofa across from me. And with one press of a button on the side of the camera, the red indicator light turns on, making me feel even more bare and exposed than before.

"Let's get started." The woman, Deanna, starts. She laces her fingers together and crosses one leg over the other, before cupping her knee with both of her palms. "Carl—is it?" I offer the woman a nod. "What brings you here? To Alexandria?"

I maintain my empty stare towards the woman. "Aaron."

"A little apprehensive, aren't we?" Deanna offers a chuckle at my blunt statement. The answer that she was looking for didn't seem to be the answer that she got. "And how did he get you to come here? Was it the walls? The shelter? The people?"

I sit on a plush cushion, across from the well-manicured lady, who clearly hasn't touched the despair of the outside world. Although the seat brings a comfort that I haven't felt in a long time, my body remains tense as sinking into the chair would go against my every, learned instinct.

It is clear to both of us that I am out of place. That I don't belong here.

Not knowing quite what I've done to deserve even a crumb of this luxury leaves me having my first ever true feeling of imposter syndrome. And the one who really deserves this place—the person who I owe it to, to simply even be sitting here—waits outside with Aaron and Eric on the front porch, anticipating an interview of her own, after I insisted that I do mine first.

My head haphazardly shakes, just beyond my blank expression. A hesitance proceeds my words. "I'm not doing this for me."

"Then who is it for?" The woman furrows her thin eyebrows. Words dance around on the tip of her tongue as she only has one option to base her approaching assumption on. "The girl you came with?"

"She deserves a break." Folding in my lips, I offer her a nod. I avert my eyes from Deanna's, before sucking in a breath and reconnecting our gazes. "And I'm just here to make sure that she gets it."

"From what I've seen, I take it that you deserve a break too," The woman starts, wearing an amused look about her face. "Don't you think?"

"This isn't about me. And it should've never been about me." My face hardens. A sigh flows from between my parted lips. "I know that much."

The woman leans forward, intrigued by my softly-spoken, cryptic words. Her actions remain slow, as to keep the mangled survivor in front of her, at ease. "And why is that?"

"I was selfish. I'm the reason that we were out on our asses, like that." I suck in a sharp breath. "Me an—Me and the girl."

Deanna raises her thin, ginger eyebrows. "You're also part of the reason that you two are here. That she's here. That she's safe."

"For now." My low voice echoes, trying to minimize every bit of my own success, like my mind won't allow me to bask in the thought of things—for once—just simply being okay. It's as if I've taken every measure to not accept any good from this world, because of everything good that I've already taken from her.

"Carl—" The woman starts. She sinks back into the soft cushion of the sofa. "I don't want Alexandria to be a place that leaves you with an ultimatum. Aaron and I—we want you to want to be here. Do you think you could give that a try?"

My mind buzzes with an unreal static as the woman's eyes burn into me. Her question stands still, as I travel into the depth of my own thoughts. Everything seems to come down on me, all at once. The decision before me—the humanity seeping out of me with every passing second. A nervous sweat begins to wave through my body.

The last thing I want to do is entrap myself in a community of people—of strangers—that seem to reach out to me with nothing but kindness. I may have let on that this place doesn't terrify me as much as it does, but that's out of the superstition that they will smell my fear—that she will sense my hesitance. That I could take away something from her that's as intricately gift-wrapped as the life these people are trying to promise us, out of nothing but my own, invalid fear. Similarly to how I've already chipped away at what seemed to be the purpose of her life.

I could get up and leave right now. Take her with me. Even after everything, I think she'd still believe what I have to say about this place. She'd want to be where I am, even if that means sacrificing the sliver of a chance that we have at normalcy. We'd be out on our own again, but at least we'd be able to trust the people around us, if all we'd have was each other.

Whatever decision I make, in this moment, determines the trajectory of the rest of our lives. Or even just their length.

I avert my eyes from the woman in front of me, glancing around the room, which only makes my thoughts travel faster. The neatly organized living room nearly burns my eyes as it's illuminated by the white light coming in through the window.

But something interrupts my gaze around the still room as it catches my eye—someone who just seems to make it all stop. Every bad, overwhelmed nerve in my body soothes itself out. The buzzing in my mind stops, as the world instantly returns to the silence that previously surrounded me.

Through the living room window, I'm given a perfect view of the entire front porch—more importantly the porch steps.

The girl—the subject of my thoughts, herself—sits on the steps, her knees tucked into her own chest. She nervously awaits my return, just the same as I sit in this chair and nervously await the consequences of my own decision-making. Just as I should've considered before I even got the both of us into this mess.

She, too, is afraid of what's to come. She has been this whole time. And I knew she was scared. I knew she was skeptical. I knew that by leaving the prison, I was risking our lives. Her life. Someone who had no idea what she was getting herself into by being involved with me. The clueless girl back at the prison, whose innocence—who's blissful oblivion to the outside world—was still in tact.

And, I sit here, finding myself somewhat lucky that we've avoided the full extent of what the consequences to my actions could've been. We sit in a community surrounded by sturdy wall panels, as the people from the prison are nowhere to be found within its ruins.

Although we can't quite gage what exactly we both have lost through all of this, I think it's pretty evident that—despite the odds—we both found something valuable. I found something valuable, even though it'd been right in front of me for months. Someone who made this whole mess worth-while. My mess.

The same person who unknowingly sits within my gaze, before I tear it away from the window and, once again, return my eyes to meet Deanna's. "Yeah."

Soon after my lone word, I quickly look back between the wispy curtains of the cracked-open, living room window. She still sits, facing the clean, quiet street watching as families stroll by and play around with their children. Her back stays turned toward the house, leaving me with a view of nearly nothing but her frizzy, greasy, pale ponytail.

The blood that previously stained her oversized, white shirt has made its way around to back of its collar. The dried, red liquid batters the back of her neck, as well. Whatever or whomever that blood came from, I may never know. All I'll know is that, for now, she's safe.

And that's saying quite a bit, considering she's somehow still made the decision to stick with me.

"I think that's something that I can do."

☆

Dear Meghan,

It's okay.

I know that you're probably angry and confused. Maybe part of you even hates me for what happened. And I don't blame you. At first, I hated me too. I hated that I ever even put myself in the position to lose you, in this way. And it sucks.

Having to sit here and write this Hail Mary of a goodbye with your head in my lap, is easily the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. It's taking everything in me not to spend whatever's left of my time just holding you—making you feel safe. But I can't. I have to write everything down, just in case I don't get the chance to tell you, myself. I owe it to you. I owe you a lot more than you will ever know.

The man I brought back—he's part of that. He's part of me making it up to you. He's a doctor. And, hopefully, he'll help you become one, too, if you let him.

I just want everything to work out. For you and for Alexandria. And he can help make that happen. You can help make that happen. You're the future of Alexandria, Meghan. And you were supposed to be my future, too.

In the beginning, we found ourselves at a place called the CDC, in search of a cure and really just some place to stay. It was before we knew what this all really was. Before we'd lost hope of a finding a better world. We met a man there—a doctor. Without him, we wouldn't have had those last few hours of humanity. Glenn, T-dog, Andrea, my mom—they were all there. They got to enjoy it.

The doctor—he let us use his resources, without telling us that there was a catch to it all: we were running out of time. And we soon found out that the better world we all dreamt of—it didn't exist. That it wasn't out there waiting for us.

To this day, I haven't forgotten what he told us. He said that this whole thing—it's what will take us all down. That this is our extinction event.

He was wrong.

That better world that we were in search of—I've gotten a chance to see it. And even though I won't be there to experience it, there's still a chance of a future. A real one. And that lies with you. You were my opening into the better world, and, by some twist of luck—or whatever it was that you think pulled our two "stubborn asses" together—you really were out there waiting for me.

There's still time to make everything better, Meghan. To resolve everything with the Saviors, and give real life a chance. There's so much more to all of this than just surviving—not knowing how many days you have left. I don't want that for you. Not after I'm gone.

So let my death mean something. Let it mean happiness—a guarantee. I don't want you to be sad. I want you to keep going, keep fighting for your future—our future. Because as long as you're doing okay, then this was all worth it, to me.

And I know that if you're reading this, it's already a little late. But promise me. Promise me that you'll keep going. That you'll never give up on a normal life.

All I want is to make this whole thing easier for you. Not just because I'm gone, but because you deserve everything that this life has to offer. Because you've already given me everything that you have to offer. You taught me what it was like to think of somebody other than myself. And doing just that, is what's getting me through all of this. Just thinking of you, and your happiness. Because that's all that matters to me, before I go.

So, please, go out and see that movie that we talked about. Indulge in a sugary, frozen popsicle. Be Judith's fun Aunt Meg. Find a way to live to see that day.

Don't do it for me. Do it for you.

Because Meghan, it was all for you. Everything I've done—every shot in the dark that I've taken to try to somehow make it all better. It was all for you. Just know that.

And, in case I haven't gotten the chance to properly say it to you:

I love you.

- Carl

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2193 words

A/N

plz tell me that I'm not the only one who read that letter in his voice :,(

also did anyone notice that I photoshopped Judith out of the gif at the top??? :pp

ALSO—also yes, he def misspelled "Megan" several times in the letter

(and he probably REALISTICALLY misspelled a lot of other words bc he only has a sixth grade education, but I left it out for the sake of it not being made too funny lol)

and if you remember why he misspelled her name *cough, cough* first scene in chapter 37 *cough* you're a real one

+ I added Megan's mugshot in the end of chapter 13, so if you haven't seen it already, feel free to go check it out <3

so... a lot has happened since we've last spoken.

1) I've gotten in my tiktok fame era for like two weeks bc people kept hating and driving up my engagement like CRAZY (I had 700 comments total in a week and 4/5 of it was hate) + I've been posting like 3-4 tiktoks a day, which I rarely ever do

2) I've been working on my second Carl fic, so that I can have a few chapters written before I even publish it !! plus I want to publish it right when I finish EE, or at least upload the epilogue

3) I started school... and my classes are rough. But (I can't believe I'm admitting this) I did half my schedule as online classes so that I have plenty of time to write and manage my tiktok account, so hopefully I won't be inactive that much !! BC I LOVE MY FULL-TIME, NON-PAYING JOB!!

so ig that's pretty much it for this A/N!! so sad bc I really missed doing these. it's been so long since I've updated SORRY LOL

one more chapter and then epilogue + two other little bonus parts to follow in the next month or two!!

and I've decided I'll be doing the "alternate" ending chapter like way later after I've completed EE, maybe I'll have it ready for a milestone and can publish it as a bonus for nostalgia or something idk :,,,)) but it's going to have the same exact outcome as chapter 38 bc I refuse to participate in happy endings

okay, I love you guys and I've missed this SO SO SO much

☆vote if ur cool ig