Sins and secrets. 

Aagnay

I wiped the stupid tear from the corner of my eye as my mother's voice filled the line. "How are you darling?"

"I—" I blinked several times to restrain my rioting emotions. "Mom, I want to go home." My whisper waned when I finished speaking and the dejected silence clouded over the line. "They—Mr. Delgado—I—he is bad." I couldn't manage to talk through my tight throat.

"What happened baby?" There was concern in her voice; it was comforting. My mother didn't hate me enough to throw me in the pit of hellfire and I was hopeful. "Are you alright?"

"No." I glanced in the direction of the hallways and turned to face the payphone. "I'm not alright. I'm miserable. Mr. Delgado—he does bad things to me. I don't like it, he makes me stand in front of everyone."

"How is that so bad, darling?" Her confusion startled me and broke something inside me. "Have you been meeting your targets?"

"Yes—no—but—"

"Then of course he will be angry," she told me exasperatedly and sighed. "You will be punished if you don't do what's expected out of you. That's the rule of the world."

"He makes me stand naked in front of the whole class." The rush in my voice blanketed another wave of silence over her. "He forces me to..." I swallowed hard to stifle my cry but her silence was apparent. I couldn't bring myself to reveal that the sick man forced me to masturbate in front of people.

"I'll speak with him, darling," she assured me comfortingly but I was too lost and indulged in my silent pain. "Don't you worry, it will be alright. You just focus on being the best and everything will be fine."

It was never fine. Months had passed and my family was nowhere in sight. They stopped receiving my calls.

The potent liquid burned through me as I guzzled the alcohol from the glass. Looking at my father's face made me despise him even further. Delgado had told me later that my parents didn't want me anywhere near them. It was no mystery that they were driven enough to abandon their offspring in the face of a child predator. They were served with an ultimatum of my withdrawal and they chose the opposite—leaving me to be subjected to pedophilia while they built their empire together. I wasn't okay, not even close.

"Any update on Ishani?" He looked over the monitor in my direction and I set my ankle on my knee before I drank from the glass.

"I want her out," I demanded and his gaze grew dark on my face. "So far, I appreciate you being flexible about her arrangements but she has a life beyond your madness and she deserves that." I watched him down the contents of his glass in one shot.

"She is lucky she isn't dead already," he told me and I tensed, loathing the weakness that followed his admission. "If she complicates my bearings then she won't live long enough to see another day."

"So you will just wipe her off the face of the earth and pretend like she didn't exist when her family strikes you with a lawsuit?" My heart jerked in my chest and began to pound. "You can't kill her."

"Who says I will?" he shot back and I took a quick, deep breath, grasping his intentions. "Accidents happen, people die. She was a wild girl who got into trouble that got her killed. We have nothing to do with her."

"She has been using my credit cards. She lives in my property." The words broke from my throat like shards of glass. "It will all crash down on me."

"Our property—"

"That has my name on the damned title deeds," I corrected him, my hands clenching around the glass. "You will throw me under the bus to save yourself, isn't that right, Father?" I needed to be alone, away from my family who couldn't stand to bear my happiness; who couldn't stand to bear Ishani.

"Don't overreact. I have a team of lawyers who will take care of you," he said and I strode across the study without seeing it. "You will be out in no time."

I rounded to face him as sickness surged from my gut to my throat. "You stay the hell away from her. I'll take care of it." I left for my room before I lost it.

I was immobile, the weight of the discussion crashed onto my shoulders and I sank to my knees in my bedroom. I broke down.

*

Ishani turned the stereo on and 'Wicked Games by Gemma Hayes' swiveled through the air in the living room of my apartment. She turned her head just enough to face me. "I love this song," she said and walked to me. "I can't believe the exams are over and I nailed the paper."

I shoved my hands in the pocket of my dress pants. "I'm glad you didn't tank it," I told her and her gaze was startling on me. "If you want, you can join my team for International Math tournaments next month."

"You don't think I'll screw something up?"

"I won't let you," I murmured and she laughed; I grinned.

"Did you have to have a girlfriend?" Her question startled me and she banded her arms around my waist. "But of course, men like you aren't usually available, so I guess it makes sense."

It had been months since Ishani gave me company. What I thought was a mere arrangement for her convenience became necessary for me. I was growing fond of her, looking forward to spending time with her. The dynamics were foreign to me, she grew on me but I couldn't bring myself to submit to her. I was precisely weak to be in her arms.

"You sound like I have made a mistake," I told her teasingly and she hummed to the lyrics of the song softly. I'd admit it was a haven in its own accord that I had no intention of giving up on.

"A very grave mistake, Aagnay," she added and swayed her hips lightly. "Ella is too good for you." My brows shot up questioningly and she laughed. "But there's nothing she can give you."

"You seem to know a lot about what I want," I murmured and she leaned closer to me.

"I know, right?" she said lowly and smoothened my monochrome tie. "I was just wondering if you are still available."

"Available?"I tried to keep my tone even when the alarm left me. "For—" Ishani kissed me as if her life depended on it; as if I were a helpless addiction and she craved me deeply. Her movements were so disbelieving I could barely retaliate enough to stop her. Her mouth was soft but her movements weren't gentle. I didn't kiss back—couldn't force myself to.

"For that," she said breathlessly as she drew away and I was immobile to the floor. "I had been meaning to do that for a while now. Damn you for not being single." Her eyes brightened with humor. "I swear people like you should be more single."

"Umm." I caught her by her waist and she gave me a wicked smile. "That was completely uncalled for."

"Maybe, but I didn't mean to offend you," she hummed and her vibration rolled through me.

My gaze drifted over her towards the window that overlooked the city skyline. "I'm sure you didn't."

"I just wanted to make you feel loved." Her words were slivers of glass against my heart.

I tensed and my grip tightened around her waist. "What gave you the impression otherwise?"

She buried her face in my throat and I had nearly groaned at the contact. I was always very discreet about my feelings, especially when circumstances called for it but Ishani had changed that. She made me feel too much in too little amount of time.

"It's hard not to love you," she whispered against my skin, and my brows furrowed to her admission.

I tensed and my fingers flexed against her waist. "Ishani."

"Ssh." She leaned away from me and looked at me. "It's okay. I know you don't feel the same way about me." Listening to her baring her feelings towards me didn't put me at ease; it confused me. She stroked my jaw and my breath left me in a pained rush. "You look so pale."

"What am I supposed to do when you say that you caught feelings for me?" Feelings I wasn't capable of—I didn't deserve to feel. Ishani rotated my equilibrium and I felt like I was hanging by a thread near the edge.

"Nothing maybe," she said. Her agonized nonchalance roiled through me. "Now you know you have one person who would do anything for you."

I wished she didn't.

"So your father proposes to kill me?" Ishani's voice shattered me with a riot of emotions. "Ruining my life wasn't enough that now he just wants me gone?"

"I'll deal with it," I told her and set the decanter of scotch on the breakfast bar.

"Yeah like the last time you dealt with something your father had said turned out so awesome for me," she bit out and crossed her arms over her chest. "I swear if I go down, I'm taking you down with me."

"And how are you going to do that?" I shot and she went lax. "I will serve my head on a silver platter to you if you wish for it but that won't stop my father from hurting you." In her eyes, a storm was growing so vast, it rocked me deeply. My words exploded a fierce silence over her. It had been a while since I had seen her so complacent while I was dizzying with chaos in the back of my mind. "I won't let anything else happen to you," I told her and I downed the contents of the glass. Her submission was so swift I missed the change in her demeanor. "You have my word."

"It's not like I have a lot to live for anyway," she muttered and stalked towards the breakfast bar. I caught her wrist before she could fetch the bottle of alcohol. "You stamped my heart under your foot so forgive me if your word doesn't hold any credibility for me."

"Ishani."

She froze to her stance and I pulled her closer to me. "Why did you do that to me? We could have been so happy Aagnay, I could have been yours—you had every piece of me and you gave me up like I meant nothing."

Phantom pain radiated through me, searing and devastating. The fear and the guilt clawed through me as I held her close to me. I cried.

*

I had set my priorities straight. My agendas were grounded on my schedules and I was all set for the week before the next meeting with the Calc decathlon. I was satisfied with the progress with Ishani. She was a quick learner and I was certain she could be my wild card in the upcoming tournaments. I set the flash drive in my pocket before I set my stylus and tablet down on the desk to turn towards Ishani as she walked into my bedroom.

"So your Dad has very weird company," she told me as she set the bottle of vodka along with a pair of glasses on the desk beside my tablet.

"I'm sure I can agree to that," I told her and shrugged out of my suit jacket. "Don't pay attention to them."

"I suppose they are business clients." She leaned her hip against the edge of the desk and looked at me. "He was kind of..." she trailed off and I frowned, concerned. She shrugged. "I don't know. He seemed off."

"What do you mean?" I caught her arm and glanced at the space between her and the desk. The riotous panic in my body began to slide through me. "Did you speak with them?"

"No," she said and picked on the seal of the bottle. "But they were staring and it felt wrong is all." Her gaze drifted to my face and she smiled. "It's alright. I'm probably over-analyzing it all. Why don't you break the seal and let's celebrate?"

It didn't put me at ease but I concealed my swelling anxiety under my civility and broke the seal of the bottle. "What are we celebrating?"

"Do we even need something to celebrate in particular?" she unbound her hair and sat on the desk provocatively, revealing her legs as the hem of her wrap dress grazed against her thighs.

"Yes," I told her and poured a drink for her. "We are celebrating you, the rising star of mathlete society."I held the glass out for her. "And for representing CSU in upcoming tournaments with none other than me."

"Ooh, I'll toast to that," she hummed and drank from her glass."Thank you for believing in me. You didn't give up when I was so close to giving up myself."

I drank the clear liquid slowly and winced to the burn in my throat. "Ishani. I wouldn't give up on trying." She was worth the world; I couldn't give her up.

"Well, I'm counting on that," she laughed. "And just so you know, I won't give up on you either."

"Aagnay." My father's voice lurched my heart to a semi-panic beat. "A word."

I set the glass on the desk-top and leaned closer to her face. "Stay right here. I'll be right back." I was out of my room in a few quick strides.

My father introduced me to the new potential client who was supposed to close the deal in the next few weeks. It was a deal of billions that laid a solid foundation for our global branding. "I had to meet the newest addition. I have to admit your input has been steady and promising." He held his hand out and I reached for it with a firm shake.

"I'm glad you approve," I told him and turned to my father. "My father has been particularly helpful in laying the groundwork, it's all him." I despised the taste of handing the credits to him.

The men laughed and my father caught me by my shoulder. "You have to visit my office to fetch a few files from my secretary. It won't take you long. We can finish discussing the terms tonight so we can proceed with the venture."

I frowned at him. "You want me to visit your office right now?" I looked over my shoulder towards the door of my bedroom. "Why can't they mail you the files?"

"Do as you're told, son."

"That's not an answer," I snapped and felt his fingers flex against my shoulder. He forced a semblance of smile that set my spine hard with unease.

"I'm sure you understand how invaluable his time is." And so was mine but my father's sense of vision was as good as a bat. "We can't afford to squander it."

It gave me no pleasure to argue with him, especially when we had a visiting guest who was also a potential partner in our business venture. "But of course, I can't be hitching you for the ride so I'll take care of it."

I left my family bungalow and headed towards the office building to fetch the files.

The echo of the glass crashing against the wall silenced the roiling sadness in my heart. It had been long since I drew a line between my control over my reality and my thoughts. Goddamn it. I shouldn't have agreed to leave to my father's office—to leave Ishani alone in my room that night.

I had walked back into chaos and the switch over my control had failed me. I was at the mercy of my demons—I had brought that pain upon Ishani and I had to find a way to set her free. She had to be gone.

Ella

2020

"Ella," Aagnay's voice was filled with shock and restless terror as he caught my hand and I lurched forward to get away from him, hugging my tummy as my stomach grew ill. His gaze lowered on the towel wrapped around his hip and his color darkened with shame and guilt. "I can explain."

"Explain why I shouldn't be freaking the hell out?" My voice shook as I looked past him towards his father seated across the room on the sofa in the foyer. God! It was messed up. "Save me that delight."

"Look, we need to talk and—" Humiliation swirled across his features, hardening them and I stared at him from my safe space, near the exit as I yanked my satchel over my arm. "You didn't see any of that, okay?"

"The fuck?"

He visibly struggled to think of something. "It doesn't concern you. The least you can do is let this one go."

"Bullshit! You want me to act like you are not a complete psychopath?" It made me wonder how someone could be so sexually violent. The memories of watching him masturbate in the shower flittered through my mind and my stomach turned.

"I'm not," he snapped before she squared his shoulders defensively. "You don't breathe a word about what you saw, do you understand me?"

I shook my head slowly as I crossed my arms over my chest rightly. "No. No, I don't." I stepped away to get the hell out of the room but he caught my hand to stop me. "I don't remotely understand what that was all about."

"I can't explain anything to you," he muttered and my chest deflated. Fury rippled through the pit of my stomach and I looked away. His chest expanded with a deep breath and then he released his breath in a rush. "I don't know what you saw but that didn't happen."

"I don't know what you mean because it did happen," I shot back and his jaw steeled in silent indignation. His dark gray eyes blazed, causing a slow tremor to shake me to my feet. I didn't want to know the other side of the consequences for defying him but I had to know what that was about. "And there's no denying that you are sick." I pinched the bridge of my nose to stifle my cry as my eyes stung with loaded tears. "For one last time Aagnay, what was that?"

"I can't explain." He chafed his fingers against his face. "All you need to know is that you can't breathe a word about it."

"You have some nerve to be acting like you have any kind of power over me to demand anything out of me." I left the room.

"Ella. Damn it. Ella," he growled as I walked faster out of the room. "Get back here." I was certain he wasn't going to follow me out of his property—his semi-nakedness ensured that and my anger was too hard to stay and listen to his explanation.

I couldn't have lived with that monster.

The track changed to If I had you by Adam Lambert and I blinked the thoughts away as Aagnay handed me the glass of champagne. I winced silently and smiled at him. "Sorry, I completely spaced out and I have no idea what we were talking about."

"You didn't miss anything significant," he told me and I nodded before I sipped the crisp champagne from the flute. "However, fancy sharing your thoughts?"

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea," I scoffed and looked away. His gaze was questioning and I rolled my eyes. "We never exactly talked about everything Aagnay," I began softly and he tensed. "I want to give you the space that you need and I promise I will respect your boundaries but don't you think we are past that point where can't share our past with each other?"

He growled lowly and draped his suit jacket over his arm. "What do you wish to know?"

"Everything," I muttered and drank from the flute. "At least give me enough to understand what I'm protecting. You asked me to be your alibi and I agreed in a heartbeat. You made it clear that we can't live like a conventional couple and I agreed to that too." I looked away to gather my thoughts and exhaled harshly. "The least you can do is explain to me why it is the way it is."

He deliberated silently and averted his gaze on me. "I'm afraid I'm not at the liberty to do that," he told me and I stared at him blankly. "I'm fucked up."

"That's not answer," I shot back and he didn't meet my gaze. "How are we supposed to make this work if I don't know what I'm dealing with?"

"You have to trust my judgment," he said impassively and I backed away from him.

I stuttered and then chuckled. "Okay, where's Ishani?"

"She's been well taken care of." He waved his hand towards the bartender to fix him a glass of scotch. "Why the sudden inquisition?"

"My therapist believes and I agree..." I looked at him and he smirked. "We need strategies to set things right."

"Things will be just fine if you keep your damned mouth shut." His tone was gruff and I scoffed. "Stay out of my business Ella. You don't want to be messing with me."

"Are you so afraid to lose that order of your world that you can't even trust the person who has been saving your ass for so long?"

"I believe you don't have another choice." His brows creased and my fist tightened. "Do you?"

"What about me?"

His brows shot up and his drink arrived. "As far as my memory serves, it doesn't even involve you," he told me and drank from his glass. "Excuse me, what's your point?"

"My point is, I'm sick and tired of being kept in the dark," I snapped at him and he laughed. I gaped at him before I threw my arms up in the air in defeat. We were headed nowhere.

"Ignorance is bliss," he drawled and I rolled my eyes exasperatedly. "Next time your curiosity resurfaces, remind yourself that knowledge can be lethal."

"I just want to know about the hell you have been through," I told him softly and he stilled in his tracks. "Who hurt you like that?" I felt sick to my bone after realizing that I was so wrong about Aagnay. There was a reason he was so dark and his twisted mind was wired in a way that only saw the world in black and white while he remained in the gray zone with full control.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said somberly and an surreality loaded his voice. Tears hung from my eyes and I blinked several times to hold myself back from crying. My heart ached in my chest and I felt exhausted. He made it abundantly clear that he didn't want to let me in.

"So you want me to believe that you jerked off—"

"I'm not ready to talk about it," he snapped back and I remained silent. "I'd rather you leave me alone." I grabbed my purse from the table that I had dropped when I got to his apartment and set the flute on the table before I walked out of his property.

I was never going to fall for my therapist's advice again. I knew I had to come up with strategies that didn't involve the lame ways of peace-making. Politics ran in my blood and I knew how to put it to better use.

*

Dear diary,

My shrink is weird. He never advises something explicitly. Didn't he advise me to explore my options? Now when I think about it, I'm positive he didn't mean to imply online blind dates.

Speaking of blind dates, mine was a beautiful disaster!

My afternoon with Kartik Iyer was paradise. Who knew the sports coach of CSU could be so hot? In fact what were the odds of tabling the sports coach for a blind date? Anyway, moving on, his voice was enough to make me wet but his stamina was enough to do insane things to me already. I enjoyed the lunch with him and everything that followed after.

Aagnay has no idea I'm seeing someone else socially; not that it's any of his business anymore. He could fuck off for all I care. The unique rush coupled with his body had me raging. It's safe to say that I'm looking forward to meeting him tomorrow at the men's room. I like the thrill; it has a ring to it. In the meantime, I have to find a way to keep this under wraps because I get a feeling Aagnay won't like this arrangement. Crap! It's so easy to be with Kartik, no strings attached, and pure bliss. Why can't things be so fun and normal? I'm sure that's not a part of my memo.

I'm hoping my reality gets better. If there's anything, Aagnay is least of my concern now that I know I'm sure that he is a liar, a natural at that. I hope I find my place away from my neurotic family after graduation and live a life worth writing about.

The track changed to Weapon by Against The Current as I set the pen down and browsed through the online library to issue a few books for the upcoming tests.

It occurred to me then that Aagnay was in love with Ishani and I had no right to stand in their way. It was twisted but it was their soup and I had no mental capacity to butt into their business, not that Aagnay would have let me anyway. I sighed and continued adding books to the cart.

The memories from the horrific night barged into my mind and I shook my head to shake the thoughts away. It turned my stomach to even think about that. That guy was supposed to be my boyfriend. Argh! I detested my father for propelling me further into his direction. It was glaringly obvious that my father didn't care about my wellbeing. It hurt.

I was going to live my life on my terms even if that included sins and secrets.  

~~~~
Happy Holidays folks!

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