'Sorry, but no sorry.'

Sambhavna

2020

My grip tightened around the strap of my bag as I stepped into the cafeteria silently. The fact that nobody paid attention to my existence delighted me. I wanted to be invisible if that was humanely possible. Sighing heavily, I ordered a quick bite and settled on one of the bean bags. Shake the tree by Simon field blasted through my headphones as I browsed through the list of movies I planned on watching the following night. The weekend was around the corner and to say that my week was hard would've been an understatement. I had grown immune to the mockery and jeering laughter of my peers but I wasn't retreating even if that option always seemed tempting. I was willful and I wasn't ready to give up all that I had worked for-satisfying their egos wasn't my cup of tea.

When my burger arrived, I relished the juicy bite and the next thing I knew, my hair and my shirt were soaking in ice-cold soda. Chill set on my spine as my jaw dropped and I felt the cold liquid glide from my temple to my jaw.

"Oops." Ella made a tsking noise and Maira cackled. My visions blurred as I stared at the blotches of soda on the home screen of my smartphone. The gasps and howl of laughter reverbed through my head, deafening me and I looked at both of them. "Sorry, but no sorry," she said and I reached for the tissues on the table.

Maira drew the box away from me before I could grab a hold on them and I whimper nearly broke out from my constricting throat. I was cold and my eyes burned with soda and tears. "Why are you doing this?" My voice was acidic and low. I was furious and embarrassed but more than anything, I was disgusted with their audacity.

"Because a daughter of a con artist isn't exactly someone who deserves to be here," Ella shot and the silence that followed the room was steady yet disturbing. She was humiliating my father and there was nothing I could have done. "Who knows this chick will embezzle CSU's trust board?"

"After all, your daddy hasn't been the model citizen of the year," Maira said and Ella cracked a laugh. "You're the daughter of a criminal and you deserve what's coming at you." Maira caught me by my chin so I could meet her eyes directly. "Hey Ella, you should speak with your father and banish this piece of shit from this town, wouldn't you agree?"

The humiliation was for real and I could barely breathe. I didn't care to attend the rest of the lectures. They had hit me right where I was the most vulnerable; they ripped me apart. I had the balls to deal with anything but they had gone too far when they opened their bloody mouths against my family. It was unacceptable and I knew I had to speak with my parents about this.

I swiped the sticky liquid off my skin and glared at them when Ella said, "Oh that's a brilliant idea M. It'd be an immense public service if her criminal father is out of this little town."

I couldn't stand to bear another of their snarky remarks. I wanted to yell at the top of my voice-seek help but I knew better-every single person in that room enjoyed the show and they couldn't care any less. I shoved Maira and bolted out of the room without breathing another word. It wasn't smart to call them out-I didn't wish to escalate things further and my patience was wearing thin. I wanted to be alone and the hell away from them.

*

I tried-I did but I couldn't bring myself to talk to my father about all that I was going through. My mother didn't care-she had made up her mind about me. There was nothing that could've convinced her that my life at college was insufferable. One genuine smile on my father's face and my heart gave out. He was so proud of me-so happy about his decision of enrolling me into CSU; how was I supposed to tell him that his decision was starting to devastate me? How was I supposed to bring myself to break his heart like that?

Another few weeks had passed and I grew numb. Nothing excited me anymore. I didn't even know if I was up for appearing for the end-semester exams. I'd barely take an interest in the course details-life in general. Each day the girls got creative and my life felt like a never-ending sick show. I was a laughing stock. It was only in the privacy of my room that the voices truly silenced. The shouts, giggles, howls, and laughter died down.

"Darling, I feel like you have changed a lot," Papa told me as he took a seat near the foot of the bed. I looked at him past my laptop and locked the window. "Are you doing alright?"

"Of course," I chirped and tucked a tendril of hair behind my ear. "Why would ask me that?"

"You barely smile and you don't spend evenings with me like we used to before," he said and looked away. "Did I do something? Is it Ma?"

My frown deepened to a scowl. "What? No." I leaned closer to him. "You guys didn't do anything. I'm not even upset." I licked my dried lips without meeting his gaze. "It's just that I'm busy. Who knew college could be so taxing?"

He searched my face for a beat and then nodded. "I don't want you to feel burdened or pressure darling, I want you to have fun too. Go out with your friends, have a little fun too."

"Yeah," I muttered and looked away. I chalked up eventually that I was depressed. I didn't want to move out of my bed and smiling was a luxury I couldn't afford anymore. "Yeah, you're right. I'll burn down if I don't stop working so much."

"Now you get it," he said and pushed to his feet with a loving smile. "I want you to do what makes you happy, okay? Life is too short to be so serious all the time." That genuinely made me smile. He pressed his lips against my temple and I stared at my laptop.

"What if someone upsets me?" I asked him sceptically and he looked at me for a silent beat. "You know just in case someone does manage to upset me."

"In that case, you don' pay attention to them and do your thing." He made that sound so simple. "You think I don't have people around to upset me?" I closed my eyes briefly as the reality hit me. "Plenty of them but do you know what keeps me going?"

I shook my head and met his eyes. "You." His answer was so simple yet it almost made me sob. "I don't have a lot in my life except my daughter. I don't believe that I have failed, ever, regardless of what I have been through but if I can't be there for you or help you build the life you want and deserve then that will be a failure in the truest sense."

I didn't register the amount of time I had spent with him after his fierce admission. My father was my whole world; I held him and cried until there was nothing left inside me.

On one of those lonely evenings, I clicked on the link on my browser and signed up for the live streaming platform. I glanced at the locked door of my bedroom and leaned back on the headboard. I needed a quick escape and a live cam seemed like the perfect option. I never knew what I was expecting out of it. I watched so many anonymous people strip and dance-a few also toyed with the dildos and faked moans. I turned down the volume and browsed through the profiles.

Bold was never my style but I was willing to try, just for the sake of its thrill. I wondered if I'd have the number of viewers as the rest of them had. I shut my laptop and grabbed my purse from the table before I headed out to shop for some much-needed costume for my first show.

I wasn't going to let those ruin my life-I didn't deserve any of that and I was done giving them the power of ruining me. I was going to get through it but first, I had to gain back the will and confidence that I had lost in the process.

*

Mayank

2020

"Life is a mess," Kunal confessed as I browsed through his college records on my tablet. "Does everything often feel so heavy and hard?"

I tore my gaze away from my tablet and peered at him. "You'd be surprised how often," I told him and he scoffed. "Why do you think your family doesn't approve?" He wasn't a bright kid but something told me these records were the surface-level details that didn't determine him.

"No, my family approves," he said and leaned back to the couch. "It's only my brother and my father who don't. My mother is the only person I've got." He shook his leg restlessly and sighed. "Why adopt when you don't want it?"

"Did you try talking to them about that?"

"Ah, no, I'm never good enough to sit at the same table with them, let alone speak with them about my life." His eyes were fixated on the vase of orchids on the console table near the window. He groaned lowly. "My brother thinks I bring dishonor upon the whole family."

"But that's not true," I assured him and he smirked.

"Actually, as a matter of fact, it is," he chuckled and I figured it was time to make notes. "I'm not the brightest student-not the smartest one in the room and I sure as fuck don't care about the shitty family name." He leaned forward and looked directly at me. "I don't care about the superficial brand they love to establish. I still think they are full of shit."

"And that's why I believe you're the smart one," I said gently and noted the change in his expression. He was hurting and confused, and I got that. "You know you don't have to maintain a false image for people to love you. You are not full of shit like them."

He dodged his head and smirked. "Yeah well, it's too exhausting. All I want is to have a normal life. Live like a fucking kid in a college and make mistakes. I don't know how that's such a big deal." I remained silent and let him continue. "I'm sure Bhasin would be a better fit for my household. All fake and perfect."

"I'm sure there's a reason behind his behavior," I said and he shook his head. I went on, "perhaps his parents are the same as yours."

"Nah." He waved his hand dismissively. "It's the same reason as my brother. They enjoy the competition and all the superficial respect they manage to garner from people around." He tugged his hair and sighed. "I'm done with that. I did everything I could but they can't accept me and I can't compete for love with them."

Kunal was a lost soul as well as a lost cause. His confessions gave me the impression that he had given up on a lot of things in his life and it was pathetic coming out of a twenty-year-old. Rich people made no sense. I was willing to comfort him and guide him as much as I could.

"Is that why you try to be the bad guy on the campus?" I asked to get a better insight and he chuckled.

"Man, that's Ranveer's department," he told me and I smiled. "But that's a fucking lie too."

That piqued my attention. "Why would you say that?"

"Because he's the only decent person left in this campus," he muttered and my brows arched in realization. "Funny because he has zero best friends," he said and looked away. "Except Vaanya maybe. But all of us think that he is our best friend."

"Because he is always there for you?"

"All the damned time," he said and smiled to some memory. "He knows about my life. At least more than anyone else knows, but he doesn't force me to keep up a façade or anything. He hates this fake shit just the same." He looked at me. "Even more than I do sometimes."

"Hm," I noted that on my tablet and looked back at him. "You never tried to be around him more often? You seem to like his company."

He shrugged. "Man, he's high as fuck most of the days."

"And what about your girlfriend?" I asked and he was back at staring at the vase. I shifted on my seat and leaned closer to the desk. "If you have one, that is."

"I'm not sure," he said lowly. "I mean, she is there and she is really good. I don't even know why she likes me but..."

My brows creased to a frown. "But?"

"I have commitment issues bro," he admitted and sighed. "I'm afraid this commitment thing isn't my league." I arched a brow at him questioningly and he rolled his eyes. "Look, meaningless hook up is one thing but waking to the same person every day sounds a load."

That made me chuckle. "So monogamy is out of the window for you."

"Kind of," he said and shrugged. "Ah, she will find someone else who deserves her. Maira is much tougher than she seems."

"I don't know what you're talking about, she seems tough as it is," I told him and he chuckled.

"Right? That's the girl everyone deserves," he said fondly and I took a note on that. "The truth is that I have everything, just not the way I want. I guess that's how life is so screwed up."

"Or maybe you can try to take it easy and work with people around you," I suggested and he shook his head. "Alright then, no trying."

"So tell me about your best friend," I told him and opened a new tab to take notes on my tablet. He gaped at me as though I had grown another head. I leaned back in my chair and waited for him to speak.

"Are you serious?" I looked away and then back at him, and nodded. "I don't have pals," he scoffed and bowed his head down. "I don't do that shit. I have buddies I share shit with but that's it. People won't get it anyway."

"That must be lonely," I empathized and he nodded in agreement. "Tell you what. I'll try to be your friend. No judging, no façade, and no expectations." I grinned at him and that made him smile.

"Sounds good." He plopped his elbow on the armrest of the couched. "So do you have a girlfriend?"

"Alright, I know I'm your friend but that question is off-limits," I told him and he laughed.

"Come on, man, don't tell me someone like you is single," he remarked and I looked at him. I was beginning to regret my choices again. "Shit. Dude that's sad as fuck." There was a moment of silence and he decided to break it. "You don't feel like banging some chick once in a while?"

I nearly rolled my eyes and laughed. I was speaking with a certified clown. "I have my needs taken care of," I muttered and he grinned, drawing the phone out of his pocket. "Do you think your brother hates you because you are adopted?"

His smile faded and I instantly felt low for changing the subject. He sighed and swiped on the screen of his phone. "I think, yeah." He sounded pained and embarrassed. "He is afraid I'd demand inheritance in the future."

"But that's your right." I realized his life was fucked up all because his brother couldn't stand him. "You deserve it."

"I tried to explain that inheritance is the last thing I'm interested in," he muttered and chaffed his fingers through his scruff. "But he doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm after the wealth and the comfort the family name brings me."

"Shit. I'm sorry about that." I winced to myself. "I'm sure your mother doesn't feel the same way about you."

"Oh no, she is my lifeline. She loves me all the same like Arijit and that's how I survive in that house," he admitted and my phone buzzed on the desk. I ignored it and made notes.

"How about you ask your mother to speak with your father instead?"

"And put her on a tight spot? I've done that before," he told me and I nodded in silence. "Didn't pan out well for either of us. There's nothing you'd say that I haven't done already. There's a reason I stopped caring altogether."

"Hm." I typed on my tablet furiously. "What's your coping mechanism?"

"Alcohol, women, and nights I'd rather not remember."

"That sounds just about healthy," I muttered and he chuckled.

"Man, it's fun. You should try it sometime."

"No. I'm good." I made a note to talk further on that subject in the next session. "Alright then, times up. You're free to leave but I won't mind if you wish to stay and talk further."

Kunal was busy with his phone when he tore his gaze away and looked at me. "Yeah? Yeah. Sure." He rose to his feet and grabbed his bag from the couch. "Thanks. I can't say it was fun talking about my shitty life but it's good I found a friend."

I smiled at him as he ambled to the door. "You're welcome."

"Don't forget to check your phone." He was out of the room and I heard the door shut. I shut my tablet and organized my desk before I unlocked the home screen of my smartphone.

I was greeted with a multimedia attachment that popped open to reveal an image of naked breasts. That's it. That was the picture-a nude picture of a random woman. I wasn't offended-I was fucking infuriated. What the fuck. How desperate did he think I was?

I deleted the picture and got out of my office to conduct the next lecture.

~~~~

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