'Requisite face.' 

Aagnay

2020

My gaze drifted to towards the window and its view of South Mumbai beyond it. I always looked at the city to encapsulate my world. I was aware of the sense of belonging—a place to call mine but the city that thrived on thrumming energy always failed to interlace with my senses.

A tangle of emotions rocked me deeply and held me back. I could give her the whole Mumbai, I could give her the world—I couldn't love her more than I did; it consumed me. I loved her when I wasn't capable of love—I loved her when I didn't know how to and none of it mattered because she didn't love me back.

"Did you finish working on those files?" Dad's voice drew me out of my reverie and I slid my gaze towards the threshold of the study. He sauntered inside as I stood and closed the files on my laptop.

"I have made a list of addendums," I told him evenly as I fetched my jacket from the seatback. "The numbers seem promising. We might have to check into the index, just in case." I handed him the tablet.

"There are a couple of spreadsheets I drafted earlier. That should be all."

He examined the deck while I shrugged into my suit jacket. "You did well," he told me and I passed a cursory nod. "Alright, I'll run this by the company's board later."

"Is that all?" I rounded the desk and held my laptop. I watched him take his seat behind the desk and my fingers curled into a fist. My father was elegant and he made a point to exude power—authority came easy to him and control was his second nature.

My mother approached, looking slim and classic, wrapped in her ethnic attire. She had her hair bound in a neat bun that revealed her flawless face. People in our community adored her—I did too; now I just had a hard time looking at her face.

And since we both looked so alike, I loathed looking at my face in the mirror too.

I hated her gray eyes—so much like mine. "Are you planning to win the international tournament you signed up last month?"

I forced myself to remain facing her. "I plan to give my best." The little joy I felt for seeing my mother desecrated instantaneously.

"I don't need your version of best." Her nude lipstick-coated lips tightened. "Your streak of victory has to outgrow the rest of the people in the city."

I headed towards the exit briskly. "I'll bear that in mind when I do return with victory." I was furious at her for bringing up her obsession and pinning it on me while I was working. She had never evolved and neither did she let me. "Enjoy your evening." I left the door closed when I headed to my bedroom.

*

"Dude you are always on a roll," Rashid drawled as I finished solving a differential calculus equation. "How did you even do that? I was halfway lost with the variables."

"The derivatives must have confused you," I told him as I tossed the marker on the desk. "Work on that, I can't afford to lose the next tournament."

"You think we'd lose with you on our side?"

Hearing his words had surged the memories I wished I could erase from my mind. I loathed that perfectionism. People often appreciated the sparkling beauty on the surface level without attempting to know what ran under the surface. Diamonds were once coals after all.

"Don't be mistaken," I snapped at him, enraged that I had to endure every second of the mask that suffocated me. "You have to know your craft if you wish to continue with my team."

He sighed and nodded in agreement. "Alright, you don't worry about that. I'll master these by the end of this week."

I wished things were different, if not fundamentally, then at least in ways that didn't make my skin crawl. I returned my attention to a different equation. There were many unfinished businesses I had to tend and with Ella lurking around in the corner, it wasn't any easier to deal with everything.

"So are you going to finish another set of equations before the next lecture begins or what?" Rashid asked as I flipped the page.

"You decide the next one," I told him and handed him the book. I powered up through the day, wrapping up several deals that my father had assigned and closing my personal agendas for the week. There was a lot I needed to get off my plate before I could take some time off for the tournament.

My phone rang on the desk-top and I looked at it, surprised to see Ella's face on the screen. I wasn't expecting her to call for at least another hour. I'd barely answered the call with a quick preamble when she cut me off, "I'm so fucking excited for the party tomorrow!" she yelled, forcing me to pull the phone away from my ear.

I took my seat on the chair. "I'm glad to hear that." I struggled to keep an even tone. "I live to serve."

"Well, duh, you're the Aagnay Bhasin in his righteous glory." I heard a commotion of feminine giggles in the background and my fist tightened. She was already showing off to the girls like this was some high school chick-lit nobody could get enough from.

"And that's the highlight of your life." My mouth twitched to a smirk.

"Oh sweetie, Ella Ahuja is always the highlight," she retorted and my smirk broadened to a laugh. She was hilariously mistaken. "You just happen to be the sidekick to my story. Don't flatter yourself."

And that was why she was a bearable company. "Says the one who is speaking to Aagnay Bhasin in all his righteous glory," I muttered and heard her chuckle. "See you later." I hung up the line when Rashid reminded me that we were getting late for the next lecture.

*

Loud footfalls followed me as I sprinted through the dilapidated alleys in the north of the city. It was a stormy evening when my friends had abandoned me after dropping a smoke bomb in the principal's backyard.

He was an asshole who desperately needed a lesson. My chest tightened as I paced faster but it was too late. The principal's son had caught up to me and I was cornered into a deadend.

He glared at me and I felt myself sink to the ground. He was tall and scary.

"You think you can run away after what you just did on my property?" His voice was tight and gruff as he fisted my hair and I groaned lowly. "I'll make sure that you are expelled from the school for pulling that stunt on us."

"But I wasn't alone," I mumbled as his grip tightened on my hair. I was too small and weak for him. "It was a prank, we didn't mean to hurt anyone," I promised and cried out as his hand landed across my face. The echo of the smack ringed through my ears and I stifled a quiet wail.

"Yeah, right," he said and caught my wrist tightly. "You are coming with me."

"But—I don't want to—why?" I struggled to free myself from his grip but he twisted my arm forcefully and I screamed. "I didn't hurt anyone and I wasn't alone..."

"I'll deal with your friends later," he muttered harshly as he hoisted me from the ground and began to walk. My knees hit the ground as I struggled to remain standing. "Your apology has to suffice for now."

"I'm sorry," I pleaded desperately as the peeled tissues on my skin began to burn unbearably. "I'm sorry, please, I won't do it again." I didn't want to face the principal. He was a jerk. "Please—"

"Shut up," he barked viciously before he slapped me again and I whimpered. "You're a pathetic entitled moron. You think you can do something like that and get away with it just because you are blue blood?"

"I—" I never cared if I was blue blood. I always loved a normal day more than anything. "No."

"I have had enough with your shit," he cursed under his breath as I tried to pry out of his grip but he didn't budge. "I have called your parents."

My heart twisted in my chest as dense tears billowed behind my eyes. I was afraid of what my father would have said. He was never happy with me—he hated me.

By the time we neared the property, my legs were trembling as anxiety enveloped me. I wasn't ready to face them. The rain pounded down the streets as he shoved me past the gates of the property and I stilled as my father pinned me down with his glare. My mother's smile managed to prod me with courage but my qualms never truly dissipated.

"Don't worry baby, it's alright," she told me softly as I tried to hide my face in her chest. She circled the back of my head gently and caressed my hair. "I apologize for the inconvenience caused to you, Mr. Misra. I assure you that we will look into this transgression closely."

I shivered as she stopped caressing my hair with her last words. I screwed my eyes shut as my father said, "Of course you will receive the check for the damages caused."

"It's alright, he is a good kid," Mr. Misra said lightly and I felt sick. He hated me and I had attempted multiple numbers of times about his nasty habits of picking on me but my parents didn't pay heed to that. "I don't know why he would do something like that. It has to be his friends. They are the real monsters."

My friends were not monsters. I wanted to kick and scream but I couldn't. My father caught my wrist and I winced slightly. He examined my fresh wounds and glared at the principal's son. "Did you do that to him?"

"He didn't watch it when he ran," he lied through his teeth and I stared at him. "Tripped over some rock near the dark alley." He shrugged and I shook my head in denial. That didn't happen. He hurt me...he was lying. "I took care of him as much as I could."

I turned to my mother. "He is—" I said and at the same time she interrupted to cut me off. "It's alright baby, we will take care of it." Her smile was promising, comforting, and warm. Flawless, like her but she was lying too.

"Are you going to eat that?" Ella's voice propelled me out of my haze and my gaze flittered on her face. Her lips curved to a small smile and I focused on the noises in the background to calm myself.

"No, you can have it," I told her and slid the plate towards her. I straightened the lapel of my jacket gingerly as I inhaled steadily. "So how was your day today?"

*

Ella

2020

"I just don't know why they can't shut up." I sighed and pushed my fingers through my hair as my shrink sat on the chair across the room, looking laid back with his tablet in hand. "I even stopped interrupting them anymore. It's pointless at this moment."

"How often would you say you are subjected to that?"

I sat with my resting requisite face. I had too much going on in my mind to waste my time in therapy but I pretended to be at ease. "Quite often, it has grown to be a routine now."

"It's getting a lot for you to deal with. It's affecting your health and your bearings. Have you figured out a way to deal with it?"

I narrowed my eyes on him. "I thought my parents paid you enough to answer that yourself. Isn't that what you're supposed to do as a therapist?"

He smirked. "Humor me."

I rolled my eyes. I was tempted for him to keep on talking instead but the thought of sorting through my thoughts goaded me to speak, "Not really. All I know is that I can't be around them when they are acting like looney toons."

"Have you tried to move out?" he asked after jotting something on his tablet. "Maybe your private space will help you."

"You think I don't know that?" I shot and leaned back to my seat. "It will affect my father's reputation."

He nodded slowly. "How are you coping with it?"

His question irritated me. "It doesn't matter," I bit out and sighed. "I'm journaling as you asked before. So far it's pointless just like everything else."

"I'm not a magician Ella, I don't have a wand to fix you," he told me dryly and I huffed. "You will have to figure things out on your own. I can only help you through it."

I groaned and pushed to my feet. "After everything that went downhill with Aagnay, I don't even know how to be with him in the same room."

"Did you try communicating with him?" he asked as I fetched the glass of water from the side table.

"That's Aagnay Bhasin," I scoffed. "Twisted psycho doesn't do talking."

"Do you want him to?" he asked instead and I drank water from the glass.

"Not like I don't want him to," I asserted and shrugged. "He isn't willing to talk about any of that and I'm very confused as to what exactly happened."

"What do you think happened?"

"There are versions of it," I mumbled and set the glass back on the table. "That's not the point. The point is his father is an ass and so is mine for setting us up together without caring about our opinions. It's selfish and insensitive and to top it off, Aagnay isn't the guy I thought he was."

He jotted on his notepad and swept his gaze back on me. "Does Aagnay hurt you?"

I plopped back on the loveseat couch and crossed my legs. "Well, not in the way you think. He is assuming I'm a threat to his image. God, why does every man in my life is more concerned about his public image than my life?" It was disturbing. All I wanted was love and normalcy. It seemed like a distant luxury to me.

"Have you tried explaining that to your father?"

I shrugged. "A few weeks ago I did," I admitted and looked at him. He urged me to go on. "His returning gesture of love was a brand new car and a shiny loaded credit card. Sure he loves me."

"You can change that," he said and I gawked at him with a raised brow in silent question. "Communication is the key Ella. The reason I asked you to journal your thoughts is because it would help you gain some clarity."

"So what are you suggesting?" I drawled and propped my head against my fist. "I should run up to them and tell them how much they hurt me? I think I'll pass."

"You need a different approach is all I'm suggesting," he said evenly and I thought about that. "I'm an expert and I can help you with this but you must be willing to help yourself."

"Alright," I told him and nodded. "Where do we begin?"

*

It was past six when I arrived at my family home and handed my keys to the valet before I headed inside. I was nearly dizzy like a junkie when I sauntered into the living room, desperate to crawl into my room and remain locked away from everyone. It was sheer torture to live through every second like I had a ticking time bomb in my lap. My footfalls were light on the stairwell as I headed to my room.

"Did you meet Aagnay?"

I halted in my tracks as my mother's soft voice blackened my mood. "Before I visited Dr. Rathore, yeah." I pivoted to face her. "Where's Daddy?"

"His party needs him tonight," she said and I leaned to the banister. "He may not be here for the night. You should have dinner." She turned to walk back to her room.

"Can we both have dinner together?" My abrupt question froze her and I winced slightly. "Only if you want. No pressures."

She looked at me through her hooded eyes and smiled. "Why, of course, sweetheart," she said and relief washed through me. "I'll have the staff set the table. You should shower."

I smiled at her. "You got it."

Looking at my mother's round face wavered my eyes and my vision blurred. Damn. I needed to get a grip. I took my seat across her on the dining table and she smiled at me.

"I hope everything is to your liking," she said and poured the juice into her glass. "I had the cook make your favorite cuisine tonight."

"You didn't have to Mama." I glanced at traditional Italian cuisine on the tabletop. "You could have made anything and I would have been okay."

"You barely eat anything," she said as the food was served. She looked away and her fingers flexed against the edge of her neck. "Is everything okay between you and Aagnay?"

I straightened in my seat and grabbed the fork. "Why wouldn't it be?"

"I'm just asking Ellakshi." Mama never used my name like that until she had to convey that the subject of discussion was absolutely important. "Don't hide things from your mother. You know I would do anything for you." Except, I didn't want her to.

"It's alright Mama," I mumbled and looked away. "It's alright. I had a word with Dr. Rathore and he told me how to rectify situations with Aagnay. It's not a big deal. We will be just fine."

She searched my face to note any signs of qualms—exactly why I always masked a poker face. "Okay, I'm trusting you for now but you will tell me if something happens alright?"

"You know I will," I assured her and began to eat.

"You do realize how hard it's been for us to achieve what we have today right?" she asked and I mentally rolled my eyes at her words. The prices that we had to pay for our social standing were not worth it but I was in no condition to question that. "We protect what we have because we have earned every part of it. We did the work. We lost a lot and gained a lot more."

"Does that mean all of us have to suffer silently?" I instantly regretted my question. Listening to my shrink was so easy at his office but to put it into practical life? It was an underrated struggle.

"Do you know how hard it is to have what we do?" she asked sternly and I lowered my gaze on my plate silently as I chewed on my food slowly. My appetite was lost. "There's nothing I wouldn't do to keep it intact and so should you."

"I'm sorry Mama but I can't keep on living like nothing is wrong," I muttered and she inhaled sharply. "To act like we don't live in hell. To act like I'm the happiest person alive." My visions blurred and I glanced at her hands on the table around her plate of food, trembling.

I gasped and handed her the glass of juice. "Please don't stress a lot about it," I pleaded softly and urged her to drink from her glass. "I get it. It's alright. I know the protocol." I watched her drink the beverage from her glass and sighed.

"I'm assuming you don't need my intervention with your plan of action," she said steadily and I continued to eat. "You should invite him over for dinner."

"When Daddy isn't around?" I asked and she darted her gaze around my features sharply. "I'll see what I can do," I added quickly. "I'm sure he would like that." Aagnay would have hated that. "Enough about me, how are you feeling?"

"Fine, as usual," she muttered and began to eat.

My gaze lingered on her dainty features for a beat longer. "You're lying, as usual," I shot back and she ignored me like I didn't say any of that. "Mama!"

"How is CSU?" she deflected the subject and I leaned back to my seat as I stabbed the alfredo pasta on my plate. "How are the girls doing?"

"Fine, as usual," I tossed her words back at her and she glared at me like I was a bratty child but I didn't care. "Dr. Rathore advised I should communicate more often so I don't feel so depressed."

She didn't look at me when she nodded. "That's nice honey," she said and smiled at me. "I'm sure that will help you."

I narrowed my eyes at her vague smile. "So don't you think I should begin that with you?"

"I don't understand why you even have to say that. We are talking, aren't we?"

"It also included honest conversations," I asserted and she looked away. "What we are doing is practically a non-conversation."

"Nonsense," she snapped and I rolled my eyes. "Did you mention to the doctor that you are getting paranoid?"

I was mortified but it didn't startle me. My mother was just as impassive as I was. "Alright Mama," I muttered and nodded vigorously. "If this is how you want things to play out then this is what you get." 

~~~~

Hello Darlings! 

Any idea what Ella is talking about? I  would love to know your thoughts. 

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