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MAX COSTELLO

PRESENT
DECEMBER 2021

Sometimes life doesn't go the way you expect it, in fact it goes the complete opposite and you're left wondering, how could my life be different? If I didn't take that money for Jeff, if I never went off to Australia, if I never spoke to Oliver on the first night we met.

After I gave Oliver the keys to the locker I placed the letter I wrote in, I haven't heard from him since. It's almost been five days. I guess I got the message.

He's made up his mind and he doesn't want to be with a monster like me.

He doesn't feel safe with me and my letter clearly meant shit. I never wrote it to persuade him into getting back with me but to prove how much I didn't want to leave, it was a hard decision to make and just how much he meant to me when I wrote it.

I almost forgot that I had written it for him and now was a time to use it, if it meant absolutely anything to him. It probably didn't, he knows what he wants and it's clearly not me.

Oliver needs a life of calmness, peaceful and easy. Maybe I can't offer that to him for what I've done, for what I've put him through. As much as I want him in my life, it's his ultimate choice and whatever he wants I'll respect.

If I have to let him go, I will. Even if it breaks me to pieces and I can't get out of bed for weeks, I will let him go because he deserves someone who will make him happy forever.

I know I make him happy but maybe that's not enough, he needs security and sanctuary. I've broken our trust and I will never, ever forgive myself for it.

If I lose Oliver, I've only got myself to blame and that is a haunting thought I'll live with forever.

I barely managed to pull myself to work this morning, as the days went on I slowly lost hope. He would have read it by now at least and yet I had no text, no phone call, no visit. Nothing.

Yet here I was at work, drying stained pint glasses and listening to customers scream, shout and laugh as they got intoxicated. I didn't want to be here, hell this was the last place in the world I wanted to be.

But I had a lot of debts to pay, I had to keep on top of my outgoings and earn a living before I ended up on the streets for good. Oliver definitely won't want me then.

I had ten minutes until the end of my shift and I wanted nothing more than to leave, order a Domino's and hide in my bed, watch Netflix all evening and try to ignore my imposter thoughts.

Work starts to get busy but as I'm off soon, I'm sent to restock the glasses from the dishwasher to the bar. Easy enough when I don't have to deal with drunk, obnoxious customers.

"Max," one of my fellow employees grips my shoulders. "Someone is asking for you."

"Who?"

He shrugs and points to the far door. "Not sure, some kid. Said he's looking for you."

I drop the crate of glasses onto the counter instantly and rush down the bar, my eyes waiting to see who was at the door behind the sea of people. Curls caught my gaze but I force myself not to get my hopes up just in case, I'm probably going crazy.

As I loop the bar and head for the door, pushing through people. My knees almost buckle at the sight of him, flattened tears scatter his cheeks, the letter in one hand.

When our eyes meet he releases a tough breath and steps forward before wrapping my arms around my neck. I pull his body into mine instantly and tuck my head into the crook of his neck, feeling my heart rattle a thousand times a second.

I clutch the back of his head with my hand and breathe out heavily, like having him in my arms was my dying wish.

We stay like this for a few moments until Oliver pulls away and looks up at me. Eyes red and sore from crying, cheeks flushed pink and hair slightly messy.

"Who the fuck am I kidding?" His words almost get caught in his throat.

I furrow my eyebrows at his question and place my hand on his cheek, unable to not touch him when he's looking at me like that.

"Fuck," he clenches his eyes shut and shakes his head once. "I can't do life without you, Max. Of course I fucking can't. You are my soulmate and I was trying to walk away from you. I was trying to run from everything we've built."

My feet shuffle impossibly closer and I use my other hand to grip his opposite cheek, holding him in place. Tears litter his eyes again but he sniffles and I can tell he's trying to not let them fall.

"Are you sure that's what you want?" My voice is strained.

Oliver's eyebrows scrunch up at my words. "What?"

"To be with me. Are you sure that's what you want?"

My chest feels heavy because if he still has any doubts I'd rather he be honest, get the help he needs alone first before deciding on anything between us.

"Yes," he whistles through his teeth unintentionally. "I've thought about it, I thought about us and yes. That is what I want. I want a life with you in it, no matter of our past."

"Then don't do life without me." I whisper, his lips quivering at my words. "We can do it together."

His eyes light up at my words and he buries his head into my chest, like we had been away from each other for far too long.

"We can do whatever you want but we will do it together, I don't want to leave your side ever again. You mean everything to me, Oliver. I will tell you that every single day." I kiss the top of his head.

Oliver shifts his head and I instantly wipe away his tears. "Let's go away together." He says suddenly.

"Where?"

"Anywhere." I blink back at his spontaneity. "Anywhere from here. From this shitty life, start new somewhere else. Where we don't know anyone."

"But what about university?" My head begins to shake.

Oliver sniffles once. "I can transfer somewhere else."

I find my forehead creasing as I caress the side of his cheek again. "Do you really want to give up UAL? You worked so hard to get there. It's been your dream to graduate from that place."

He shrugs like it's the last thing he cares about. "I'm done with that shit. UAL is just a school, I can get an education anywhere. There are plenty of good art schools in the UK. I've been at UAL for far too long, it's time to move on. Finish my degree somewhere new with new opportunities."

The way he speaks sparks a new fire inside my stomach, a fire for the determination of a new life with my soulmate. Never have I heard him be so sure of something in his life, it's not news to me that he's bad at making impromptu decisions, but this was different.

He wants to do this with all his heart.

Oliver grips my hand that was still on his face, waiting for me to respond so he carries on. "I just want to be away somewhere new with you and no one else. Start fresh, put everything else behind us and just focus on us. On now, on what we need to survive as humans."

"What about Jamie?"

"He's been talking about moving anyway, I don't think he feels safe in the new apartment. It's either move with him or move away with you. I'd choose you over anyone." His voice dips and it's delicate, like silk.

I peck his lips, unable to keep myself off him for another second. "Let's do it then," I murmur against him. "Let's fuck everything off and move, do something spontaneous and live somewhere new."

Oliver nods at my words, he sucks his bottom lip into his mouth. "This feels right," he nods as I drop my hands from his face.

"You read the letter?"

"Yes."

I flick my eyes between his as we stare back at each other in awe.

"You have such a way with words, I felt everything you wrote. I realise how much pain you must have been in when you left, I know it wasn't a decision you made lightly. You hated yourself."

"I still hate myself," I cut over him, clenching my jaw.

Oliver smooths his fingers over my cheek. "And that's how I know you're truly sorry."

"How have you been?"

I should have asked sooner, his well being is all I care about. We haven't spoken in days and anything could have happened between now and then, I'd hate to think he was suffering alone.

His mouth swishes from side to side, he sucks in a quick breath and nods. "I've been coping."

Coping makes my stomach twist painfully. Coping isn't good enough. I know he's not going to be okay after being tortured, scared and threatened. But hearing it cut through my soul with the sharpest knife.

"Have you thought about victim therapy? I know the doctor recommended it to me when you were in the hospital." I say softly.

He nods. "I have and I know I should, it's just plucking up the courage to go."

"And I'll support you when you do decide to go, or however you want to get help. Don't fight this alone because I will be there for you every step of the way."

Oliver's lips crack into a small smile and he leans up onto his toes to steal a kiss. "When do you finish work?"

I draw my watch up to my eyesight and I nod. "Now."

"Does that mean I get you for the rest of the evening?"

"Sure does," I grin. "Do you want to go back to my apartment or find a hotel?"

Oliver hums at the first option. "Your apartment would be good. I want to sleep in your bed so bad."

I kiss his lips once more and smile. "You're cute and this couldn't be a better end to the worst shift of my life."

"Let's get out of here then."

"Let me grab my stuff and I'm all yours."

"Hurry."

I jog to the back room and say goodbye to everyone before grabbing my jacket and bag, taking Oliver's hand on the way past and holding the door open for him.

It doesn't take long to get back to my apartment, thankfully my roommate was out so we had the place to ourselves.

Oliver instantly kicks off his shoes and his coat, he pushes his way into my bedroom and looks down at my lazily made bed. Without another word he pulls back the covers and slips inside, bringing the duvet up to his nose and he inhales slowly.

"I didn't realise you wanted to get in bed now." I say lightheartedly.

He chuckles to himself and it sends me into a frenzy. "I couldn't help myself. Your smell comforts me."

I follow his lead and fall into bed beside him. Feeling his warm body against mine as he shuffles in closer.

My hand raises to brush away his curls from his forehead, Oliver's eyes glued on mine. "I know nothing I say or do will make up for what happened but I want to be better, I will be better. Wherever we move to, wherever we go. It'll be different and I'll make you the happiest person in the world."

"You already make me happy but an easy life is what I wish for."

"And an easy life I will give you, I promise."

. . .

Owwwww my babies, they deserve soooo much happiness!

One chapter left and an epilogue, I'm going to post these all today so make sure to read them!

Hope everyone is well, see you on the last few! Love, Savanna x

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