Title: Inside this Place Like Hell
Pairings: Luhan-centric, Sehun/Luhan, Mentions of ChanBaek and SeBaek
Rating: M
Genre: Angst

Warnings: Dementia, Violence, Rape, Psychosis, Mentions of Murder, Sex, Character Death

Summary: A year inside the cell, a pen and a new notebook is all Luhan's companion.

*****

November 27, 2014

It's our friend's birthday. I wish I could see him. I hope he's okay with you. Can you visit me together? I want to hear your laughs.

But I guess Chanyeol doesn't want that to happen. He's the reason why I am here after all.

I miss you so much. Please take a look at me just for a while.

***

December 12, 2014

Christmas is approaching. I miss the times when we'd go shopping and strolling around the park while snowing. I hope I can still do that but I know I can't.

I'm trapped here and I don't know when I'll come out. Happy holidays, I hope you're doing good.

***

January 1, 2015

Happy New Year. I'm watching the fireworks outside the small window of my cell. They're beautiful, just like your smiles.

I miss you so much.

***

January 14, 2015

I had a cake for dinner. A warden slipped me a slice. I wish I could meet him because he seemed nice. I'm sure you two would get along.

I want to see you. I'm thinking about you always. What could you be doing at this hour, have you eaten yet, were you thinking about me too?

Please come and see me. I miss you.

***

January 31, 2015

I feel like I'm dying. It has been weeks but it felt like years. I don't want to thank them for giving me stale food. I'm already dead now that I can't be with you.

They don't even bring me water.

***

February 03, 2015

They stole my pen. I can't write for three days. Good thing I hid my notebook under the bed, and one of the wardens, the nicest, gave me a pencil. His name is Kai, the warden I was talking about last time? I'm sure you'll like him.

I miss you so much, please visit me.

***

February 11, 2015

My hair is too long. I think I need a haircut, and a shower of course. People here won't even allow me to use the bathroom.

That's why my cell is a mess. I shit everywhere. I know that if you see me like this, you'd be grossed out for sure. Will you still love me even if I stink?

Please give me soap when you visit me.

***

February 14, 2015

I cried. I thought you wouldn't remember. I'll treasure this piece of chocolate forever.

I want to see you so bad. I really miss you.

***

February 25, 2015

They said my case won't even stand a chance. But why? You know I'm not guilty. I'm innocent. I didn't do anything. They're telling me I should admit it, admit what?

They beat me up. Punched me. Kneed me. Hit me with a piece of wood. Slapped my face and burnt my skin with a cigarette. I'm hurt everywhere. I wish you could tend me. I need your kisses. I need you here. I miss you.

***

March 01, 2015

I want to see you. I want to feel you. I want to hold you close.

***

March 05, 2015

They molested me. Used me for their pleasures. I feel so dirty. I want to get out of this hell.

I want to be with you. Please, come and get me. Please.

***

March 29, 2015

They confiscated my notebook and punished me for owning one. They soaked my head into a drum of water until my breath ran out inside my lungs. They stripped me, and made me do things you wouldn't want to know. They brought me back here with bruises on my whole body and my ass full of come.

I'm sorry, I couldn't defend myself. I'm so weak. I want you, I want my strength. Without you I can't live any longer.

Please save me.

***

April 04, 2015

I woke up early because there were lights inside my cell. I thought I was getting blind, I'm not used to this brightness around me anymore.

They cleaned my cell. They made me take a bath, too. I was so happy. I have a new blanket and a new notebook. They said it was from a friend. It's funny I got so excited about this simple things.

I wish you were here. I really miss you.

***

April 10, 2015

I'm sore. They're still raping me for their sexual gratifications. Every other night, they would wake me up in the middle of my sleep. Five of them. At first I resisted and cried, but now I got tired. Tired of screaming, tired of asking for help. They won't hear me in this place. This hell, where the demons enjoy fucking me like I was their slut.

They can have my body but my heart. My heart is still yours. I love you. I love you so much.

***

April 12, 2015

Happy birthday, Sehun.

I wish you were here beside me at this moment. I wish I could feel your hugs enveloping me instead of these suffocating walls around me. I wish it was your hands trapped through my own instead of the bars lined before me. That would be your best birthday gift, right? I could already imagine you telling me that.

I wish I could see you soon.

***

April 20, 2015

They won't let me out. I just want to celebrate my birthday. I want to see my mom and my brother. They want me prisoned here even if I did nothing wrong. It's so unfair, I just want to see you. You holding a cake and singing happy birthday to me.

But I'm here again. In this dark room. Alone.

***

May 4, 2015

They changed my cell. They moved me into the farthest place of the building. Kai isn't my warden anymore.

I'm so lonely. I want to hear your soothing voice comforting me. I miss hearing the way you say my name. Please, give me a phone call.

***

May 9, 2015

I dreamt of you. It was a nightmare. I was holding a knife. The knife was full of blood, and there was also a pool of blood on the floor oozing out from a dead body.

My hands were shaking as I looked into your eyes. You were crying. You looked at me with eyes full of hatred. I was hurt, I was in pain. Were you angry? But why? Did I do something wrong?

***

May 11, 2015

My lawyer talked to me and my trial will be next week. I feel excited because I will see you. Finally.

***

May 18, 2015

I'm so angry. They didn't even let me get near you nor talk to you. There was happiness in my heart when I saw you glance at me from your seat. But it was replaced with grief when you averted your eyes, like you didn't want to even look at me. That moment, I wanted to run to you and hug you, tell you how much I missed you, say that I love you, if not for the guards barricading my way.

Did I look bad? Was my haircut terrible? I waited for this day, but I haven't had the chance to be with you.

I'm here again in my cell. All alone. I wish you were here.

***

March 25, 2015

I saw the news on TV when they let me out to work outside my cell. I was shocked. I didn't know Chanyeol was already dead. Baekhyun must be very sad about it.

Please visit me, I want to talk to you about things. I miss you.

***

June 02, 2015

I cried when they told me that I can't be with you anymore. That I will never get out of this hell of a place. This living nightmare where I only survived with the thoughts of you. I only lived thinking about our memories together in the past. I am trying my best to remember how your touches felt against me. But I was having a hard time.

I can't remember our first date. Please come to me and visit me. I want to talk about happy things we did. I miss you so much.

***

June 10, 2015

A man in a white robe took me. All I saw was black and when I woke up, I was back again in my room.

That happened for four days now. I wonder what they're doing to me.

***

June 25, 2015

I don't know whether to be thankful that the fucking has stopped. The guards stopped taking me away at night. They aren't touching me anymore, let alone hit me.

I feel so uneasy. I feel horny. I want your cock inside me.

***

July 03, 2015

My body is seeking for pleasure so I started touching myself with the thoughts of you. I think about you fucking me as I fingered myself. I miss those times when we were still in college, that whenever we feel turned on, we would put out anytime and anywhere like horny rabbits.

That made me laugh now. I love you, I miss you. I want to have sex with you.

***

July 06, 2015

I miss you so much. It has been months since I last saw you. When are you going to show up again? I heard the police talking that you went abroad with Baekhyun. Is that true?

I'm crying. Did you leave me here already? You won't do that right? Please visit me. I want to see your face. I want to know that you're still here.

***

July 12, 2015

You left. The police told me you're gone. I can't take this anymore. It fucking hurts.

I love you, why did you do this to me? Why did you go with him?

***

July 30, 2015

I tried to take away my life with a rope but I didn't succeed.

I'm hopeless.

***

August 01, 2015

I'm undergoing into a harmless operation. They said there are some nerves in my head that don't work properly.

Please visit me afterwards. Your face will be the first thing I want to see when I wake up.

***

August 10, 2015

I forgot where I put my pen and my notebook, so the guard gave me a new one. He's nice to me but I don't know his name. He looks familiar, though.

I miss you so much. He reminds me of you.

***

August 17, 2015

This is the second time that I'll be writing to you because the pages are clean. Every morning when I wake up, I would find this free of writing so I guess they were touching my things.

I was mad when they took me away again. I can't remember that last time they made me admit to things they assumed I did. They tied me on a chair and squeezed me of answers I didn't know where to get.

Who the hell is Chanyeol. I don't know him. I want to get out of this place. People here are horrendous.

***

August 27, 2015

I didn't kill anyone. I am innocent. My hands are clean. I don't remember anything.

***

September 07, 2015

I want to die like what the guards told me. I deserve to die. Do you want me to die? Where are you anyway? I miss you so much. Please come and get me.

***

September 13, 2015

Two guards took me away and brought me to a white place. I didn't like it here, but the food was nicer than my old cell so I bore with it. They're serving pasta every Tuesday, plus I got a new outfit.

They're very nice to me. I hope you could meet them when you visit me.

***

September 27, 2015

I can't believe I saw you inside my cell. I was so happy I cried. I even hugged you and kissed you. We even made love on my shitty bed.

I'm sorry if I was terrible, I haven't had sex for a long time but you said you didn't mind, so I gave you everything that I have. You told me you had to leave before the morning strikes so even it hurts, I let you go. You promised you'll come back so I'll be waiting.

See you soon. I love you

***

September 30, 2015

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you. You love me too. We love each other.

I'm so glad they allowed you to stay inside my cell every morning. People are always looking at us, have you noticed that? They looked jealous I'm laughing.

I wish the time would stop so I can be with you all the time I want. Can we hold each other's hands forever?

***

November 3, 2015

I woke up very happy I feel so complete again. I feel like floating. I just don't understand why the guards shoot me judging looks when I introduced them to you. Maybe they couldn't believe I'm dating a handsome person like you.

Take care of yourself when you get back okay? I love you so much, thank you for loving me, too. I wish to see you again. Thank you.

***

November 27, 2015

A man visited me. I don't know that stranger, I don't even remember where I met that guy. He kept on talking to me but I only stared at him. He said it was our friend's birthday today and he came back from US just to talk to me. He was sorry for all he has done, for leaving me here, for hurting me. He told me he has already forgiven me for killing our friend. He truly loved me, but now he's happy with Baekhyun. They're getting married.

I don't get it. I didn't kill somebody. Why would that man tell me that? I don't care if he loved me or what. Nor him getting married. He was so rude. I hate him.

Who is Baekhyun anyway?

***

December 04, 2015

They took me to another place this morning I didn't know where I was. There were many gravestones. There was a grassy field. This was the first time I went out of my cell.

The police told me that a man named Chanyeol was buried underneath my feet. They told me I should say sorry to him for stabbing him on the chest a year ago.

But why? I don't even know him. I didn't stab anybody. No one believes me. I know you're the only one who believe in me so thank you. I love you so much.

***

December 24, 2015

That man kept on visiting me for a week but he said this will be the last time.

I don't care. I don't want him. I don't want to see his face. I yelled at him. I pushed him away and told him not to come back. He's telling me things I don't understand. He's making out things I don't remember.

He's a liar. He keeps on insisting he's you. He's not you. He will never be you. I only want you, I just want to see you, not him.

Please, come and see me this Christmas. I miss you so much.

***

December 25, 2015

Thank you for celebrating Christmas with me. I'm so happy.

I miss you already. Can you fly to my window again?

***

December 30, 2015

They gave me a new pencil and a sketchpad after they brought me back to my old cell. They said it was my old cell but it's the first time I'm seeing it. Oh, they also said it's my birthday today. They're nice to me, I wish you could meet those five guards. I don't know how to draw so I'm just writing on it like how my hand seems to be used to.

I'll be waiting for your gift today. Please give me flowers like what you brought me last time.

***

January 1, 2016

Happy New Year. I'm watching the fireworks outside the small window of my cell. They're beautiful, just like your smiles that I used to remember. I wish to see you soon. I love you and I miss you so much.

Oh, one more thing. I don't quite remember whom I am writing to, I'm really getting forgetful these days.

I'm sorry, but could you please tell me your name when you visit me?

Love,
Luhan

***

END

#HappySehunDay.