28 - KAISOO, CHANBAEK, BAEKSOO: Tick Tick, Boom Boom, 'Bout to Blow
Title: Tick Tick, Boom Boom, 'Bout to Blow
Pairing: Chanyeol/Baekhyun, Baekhyun/Kyungsoo, Jongin/Kyungsoo
Raiting: M
Genre: Crack, Smut
Summary: Kyungsoo and Baekhyun are heads of a mafia organization. Chanyeol is Baekhyun's bodyguard while Jongin works as a waiter on a small diner.
Warnings: A LOT of Cursing, Attempted Comedy, Sex, Sexual Themes
*
(A/N: This fic contains many sexual contents and a lot of vulgarities. I just want to remind you that if you don't like this kind of material, please don't read. The cursing is only for the sake of the story and is not meant to disgrace EXO.)
"GET THE FUCK OUT, YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING, PEASANTS!!!" Kyungsoo yells on top of his lungs, a hand on his forehead as he kicks the silver briefcase lying on the floor. Ten black muscled men scurry outside the dark room, pushing one another as they run for their lives.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck--"
"STOP THAT OH MY GOD," Baekhyun annoyingly says without turning his head up from his phone which displays Candy Crush level 169 with a 'Divine!' and 'Sugar Crush!' booming throughout their Secret HQ. Baekhyun grins when the candies pop out at the end of the game.
"--fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck--"
"What the fuck is your problem?" Baekhyun asks, abandoning his phone on top of the comfy couch as he crosses his legs. "Are those firearms defective again!?"
"No, no, no, no, no, no," Kyungsoo mutters repeatedly as he shakes his head. He eyes the briefcase on the floor and quickly picks up a shotgun. He twirls it around his fingers and aims it at Baekhyun.
"WHAT THE HELL, PUT THAT DOWN!!!" Baekhyun says, his eyes wide. He steps closer to Kyungsoo slowly, oh so slowly, before he grabs the gun from Kyungsoo's hands tentatively, his fingers tight around the handle and the trigger.
Baekhyun bites his lips. "I'M GOING TO TAKE THIS THING, OKAY?"
"OKAY," Kyungsoo breathes as Baekhyun removes the gun, sighing and kicking it to the floor. Kyungsoo looks up to him. "I'M SORRY."
"It's okay, honey. Now, tell me what's the problem," Baekhyun says calmly, massaging Kyungsoo's shoulders in front of him. "Is it that guy again?"
"He won't accept my money," Kyungsoo says, pouting. "It's fucking 100 Million won but he won't take me out on a date. Fuck that guy!!!"
"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry," Baehyun coos. "Let me handle this for you, okay? I will kill that guy."
"NO!!!" Kyungsoo yells, nudging Baekhyun's arm on top of his shoulders. "Lay a single finger on Jongin and I will fucking end your life, you son of a bitch!"
Baekhyun raises an eyebrow at him as he glares daggers at Kyungsoo. "You fucker, choosing a guy over me! What an ungrateful bastard you are! I swear I'm going to kill him first before you can murder me."
"I hate you so much," Kyungsoo mutters under his breath, sighing. "Why are you making my life miserable."
"Because I love you."
"Fuck you."
Baekhyun laughs, crossing his arms over his chest. "You know, poor people sometimes don't accept bribery. Like Chanyeol."
"What did you do to him?"
Baekhyun grins. "I gave him the best blowjob of his life. Then he asked me out."
"Oh my god. I don't want to hear about your sex life."
"At least it's not bribery."
"It's not bribery, Byun. I'm wooing him."
"Maybe he's not interested in money," Baekhyun says as he looks at his newly polished nails. "Maybe he wants something else."
"Do you think he wants gold bars?" Kyungsoo asks, his eyes wide with curiosity. Baekhyun chuckles.
"We'll never know if we won't find out."
"Okay, let's find out."
*
"Fuck, ah, ah, ah, Chan--ah--yeol, ah, fuck!!! Yes!" Baekhyun moans as he rides Chanyeol, his personal bodyguard slash boyfriend at the backseat of the car. Kyungsoo glares at them at the rear-view mirror as he drives.
"Nngh! Ngh... Ah shit! Fuck, Boss Baekhyun, you're so hot!"
"WILL YOU PLEASE FUCKING TONE IT DOWN! OH MY GOD!" Kyungsoo shouts, maneuvering the stirring wheel with a scowl on his face. He doesn't miss the dirty finger Baekhyun flashes him as Chanyeol rapidly pistons his dick into Baekhyun's asshole.
"Don't dare to fucking stain my million dollar leather seats with your filthy--"
"--aaahhh! I'M COMING! FUCK!--"
"--cums."
Baekhyun pants heavily, his come flowing at Kyungsoo's leather seats. Chanyeol kisses Baekhyun's mouth sloppily as he traces some come flowing from Baekhyun's ass with his index finger. Kyungsoo cringes at the sight because fuck, some horny couple just fucked inside his Mercedes-Benz baby. He wants to kick them out of his car as soon as possible.
"That was amazing, Boss Baekhyun," Chanyeol says as Baekhyun climbs off from his lap. Baehyun zips up his pants and sits beside Chanyeol with a big grin plastered across his face.
"Call me baby," Baekhyun says with a seductive wink Kyungsoo wants to puke. "Understood?"
"Okay, baby."
"Fuck you all," Kyungsoo mutters with a roll of eyes. He stops the car in front of a small diner packed with costumers.
"Are you even sure Jongin works here?!"
"Yes, Boss Kyungsoo," Chanyeol answers affirmatively. "I checked it several times. He works there Monday to Friday from 9am to 9pm."
"Oh, what a diligent guy he is," Baekhyun muses. Kyungsoo pays him no mind.
"We should get inside right away."
"Okay--"
"--after you fucking clean your fucking dried cum on my baby, you horny bitch."
"Chanyeol, clean that up and let's fuck again later, okay?"
"Okay, baby."
"You two are so fucking disgusting."
*
"May I take your orders?" a handsome, smoking hot waiter asks as he smiles sweetly at the three suspicious guys on table number eight who is, at the moment, hiding their faces behind the menu card.
"You're fucking holding the menu card upside down, asshole!" Baekhyun whispers almost too loudly at Chanyeol beside him. Chanyeol quickly rotates the menu card which is not actually covering the half of his face.
"Sorry!" Chanyeol whispers back to his boyfriend with Kyungsoo on his side who is practically drooling over Jongin in his waiter uniform.
Jongin clears his throat. "Uhm, Sir--
"DO YOU PERHAPS LIKE GOLD BARS--"
"--or do you want to get out of here and--"
"I'm not sure if--"
"OR DO YOU WANT THIS GUY TO BLOW YOU--"
"WHAT THE FUCK BAEKHYUN, OH MY GOD!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!"
Jongin awkwardly backs away, scratching the back of his neck. He takes note of the two short cute guys who are strangling each other's neck while a tall good-looking guy just watches them dumbly.
"Uhm, I'm sorry but--"
"--OUCH FUCK FUCK FUCK MY FUCKING GORGEOUS NECK!!!!"
"YOU DESERVE THIS, BITCH!!!"
Jongin turns his back and leaves the table.
*
"I SWEAR HE SAW ME STRANGLING YOUR NECK OH MY GOD IT WAS SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING," Kyungsoo mumbles against the casino table he is face to face with as he throws Baekhyun the red chips in attempt to ease his frustration. Baekhyun hums, playing with his unlighted cigarette on top of his pouted lips.
"I didn't even get the chance to ask if he wants gold bars," Kyungsoo desperately says.
"You know, honey, if he didn't want your money, then that only means he doesn't like gold bars," Baekhyun says, grinning. "I already told you Kyungsoo, why not just blow him--"
"For the love of god, Baekhyun!" Kyungsoo deadpans. "I am not a slut like you who's asking for dicks in their mouths and say, 'Hey Jongin, can I blow you?!' Are you seriously trying to help me or what!?"
"First, I am not a slut," Baekhyun says, crossing his arms over his chest. "Second, my mouth is only for Chanyeol's dick. And third! Why am I wasting my precious time talking to you if I am not going to help you?"
"So what's your plan?" Kyungsoo asks, scowling. "Don't even try to suggest sexual activities in this discussion or else I'll stuff your ass with my fucking fist and fuck you with it until you come untouched."
"Fuck," Baekhyun curses, looking down at the bulge on his pants. "I'd like that."
"Don't tell me you fucking sprung a boner," Kyungsoo says with a grimace on his face. "Don't tell me you're fucking hard right now."
"I'm hard right now."
"Fuck."
"My dick is hard right now."
"Oh god."
"Can you at least give me a handjob?"
"Go ask Chanyeol, you horny little slut."
"--or a blowjob."
"No."
"But--"
"NO."
"Kyungsoo, please--"
"NEVER."
"Please, please, please, please--"
"Go jack yourself off in the bathroom, oh my god!!!"
Kyungsoo leaves Baekhyun with a raging hard-on.
*
"So, here's my plan," Baekhyun says as he taps his chin with his index finger. "When Jongin gets off from work tonight, Chanyeol will block his way and pretend to snatch his bag--"
"I don't look like a snatcher!" Chanyeol says, folding his arms over his chest. "I don't want to be a snatcher."
"But baby," Baekhyun coos sweetly that Kyungsoo has to slap his forehead in pure disgust. He swears he can see rainbows popping out behind them. "It's only an act, okay? You're not really a snatcher."
"Really?"
"Yeah," Baekhyun says, smiling. "You're my snatcher who stole my precious heart!"
"FUCK, I AM NOT HEARING THIS NONSENSE CONVERSATION," Kyungsoo mumbles, his eyes boring holes to Baekhyun's face. "Just fucking get on with it, Byun. You're fucking wasting my time."
"Patience, honey," Baekhyun says, wiggling his finger in front of Kyungsoo's eyes. "So, as I was saying, Chanyeol will pretend to snatch Jongin's bag. Jongin will ask for help, and you, Kyungsoo will return Jongin's bag like you're his knight in shining armor! And after that, Jongin will definitely ask you out!"
Kyungsoo gapes at Baekhyun who has his eyes shining dreamily, his hands clasped together. Chanyeol claps his hands, praising his boyfriend's wonderful idea. Kyungsoo just blankly stares.
"Isn't my plan that fucking great!?" Baekhyun asks, smiling widely as he nudges Kyungsoo's elbow. "Right?"
"My baby's so smart!" Chanyeol cheers. "I'm proud of you!"
"Fuck," Kyungsoo mutters, shaking his head. "I didn't know you have a functioning brain inside that small head of yours."
"Told you."
Baekhyun wiggles his eyebrows and Kyungsoo's lips curve upward into a creepy smile.
*
"Boss Kyungsoo."
"What."
"We have a problem."
"WHAT."
"Jongin is not wearing a bag."
"WHAT?"
Kyungsoo peeks his head outside the window of his Audi as he ogles at Jongin who's not wearing or even carrying a goddamn bag. Kyungsoo slaps his face, mentally grilling Baekhyun to death.
"What are we going to do now!?" Chanyeol asks Kyungsoo.
"I don't fucking know!" Kyungsoo shouts, waving his arms aimlessly in the air. "Go ask Baekhyun!"
"What are we going to do now!?" Chanyeol asks Baekhyun.
"Let's fuck?" Baekhyun suggest, winking at his boyfriend. Chanyeol nods eagerly. "Backseat."
Kyungsoo groans irritatedly before he hops out of the car, banging the door shut at Baekhyun and Chanyeol who's now sucking faces he doesn't give a single shit about. He huffs, rolling his eyes as he combs his hair with his fingers. He kicks the crushed can lying on the ground, so it flies to somewhere along the streets.
"Ouch!" a nearby voice cries. Kyungsoo looks around, feeling the gun inside his pocket. He is met face to chest with a guy as he trudges behind the car. Kyungsoo looks up, staring at the guy's face like he's a deer caught in the headlights, his mouth agape.
"S-sorry, I--" the guy says, looking everywhere instead of Kyungsoo. "I didn't mean to block your way, I just--"
"Oh my god."
"I'm sorry...?"
"Oh good lords."
"...uhm?"
"Oh my god," Kyungsoo mumbles, his heart beating fast as he traces with his eyes Jongin's adam's apple which is bobbing up and down as he speaks. He licks his lips.
Kyungsoo awkwardly extends his arms to Jongin's neck, reaching for the guy's throat. He swears it can swallow his cock whole.
"W-what are you doing!?"
"Can I touch your throat?"
"Uhm, what?"
"Your throat."
"Oh," Jongin says. "My throat."
"Yes. Your throat."
"Uhm, why?"
"I want to touch your throat."
"Do you want me to, uhm, take off my--"
"Oh my god, I'm not yet ready!" Kyungsoo squeals, running for dear life as he leaves Jongin standing at the middle of the streets. Jongin scratches his head, taking off the scarf slung over his shoulder. He watches as the black Audi speeds up and he swears, he can hear someone inside the car screaming profanities. He chuckles.
"He's cute."
*
They're back at the diner.
Not that it's Kyungsoo's choice, but it's Baekhyun's, unfortunately. Having to leave his mansion with utmost embarrassment from the previous night involves Baekhyun dragging Kyungsoo out of his queen-sized bed and threatening him with an M4A1 aimed at his chest. Kyungsoo still wants to live his life and have beautiful babies with Jongin, so that's why he's here, still existing and sitting at table number eight while eating his sweet pasta together with unsuspicious costumers oblivious of the silenced pistol he has in his pocket especially reserved for Byun Baekhyun.
"I swear they're making out now inside a cubicle," Kyungsoo annoyingly says, dragging his hand across his face. Baekhyun and Chanyeol went to the bathroom a while ago to 'wash their hands' and to 'pee'. Kyungsoo is not an idiot to buy that excuse.
"Do you have any additional orders, Sir?" a waiter asks Kyungsoo, but Kyungsoo is too busy thinking of possible ways to end Baekhyun's life as well as his boyfriend slash bodyguard with the gun inside his pocket.
"Uhm. Sir, do you have anything you like?"
"Kim Jongin," Kyungsoo says without looking at the waiter who's now peeking at his face. Kyungsoo mumbles something under his breath cutely that the waiter has to hide his growing smile.
"You asked for me?"
"No."
"But you said you like Kim Jongin?"
"Yes."
"You like Kim Jongin?"
"No."
The waiter laughs. "You want to touch my throat?"
Kyungsoo turns his head slowly.
Jongin smiles.
"Fuck."
"W-what?"
"I-I mean," Kyungsoo trails off, blushing. "Hi."
"Hi," Jongin says, still smiling brightly Kyungsoo swears he can see light beams coming out from his white teeth. "You're the guy from last night, right? And the other day, too?"
"Who? Me? No!"
"You're also the one who sent me 100 Million won?"
"NO! NO! NO!" Kyungsoo shouts, shaking his head, his face flustered. "I'm not him! I swear to god!"
"I already know you, no need to pretend," Jongin says, crossing his arms over his chest and Kyungsoo has to gulp hard because fuck, that looks so hot when he did that. "Right, Kyungsoo?"
"How do you know me!?"
"It's written all over your face."
"WHAT?"
"You're cute," Jongin says with a chuckle. "Really."
"Mafia bosses are not cute," Kyungsoo says while pouting. "We're supposed to be scary."
"You're a Mafia?"
"Yes," Kyungsoo says, his eyebrows raised. "Any problem with that?"
"No, I--"
"You don't believe me? I have a gun here."
"Oh."
"What, are you now scared of me?"
Jongin laughs, pressing his lips together in a thin line. "Should I be?"
Kyungsoo stares at Jongin's pouty lips for a second that he almost forgets how to breathe.
"Do you like coffee?" Jongin asks, sitting at the table in front of Kyungsoo, and oh god he looks so handsome this close.
"You serve coffees here?"
"No."
"So why are you asking me for coffee?"
"Because I want to take you out."
"WHAT."
"Do you want to have coffee with me?"
"Oh my god."
"Is that a yes?"
"Is this real."
"Me asking you out? Yes."
"OH MY GOD. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME. I CAN'T BREATHE."
"Are you okay, Kyungsoo?"
"No. Hold me, I'm so emotional right now."
*
"So, you and Kim Jongin are now dating," Baekhyun says, sitting on Chanyeol's lap like it's his personal chair even though there's so much space left for him to sit anywhere on the couch.
"Yes, we are now dating," Kyungsoo says, grinning ear to ear. His eyes become wider than usual when he sees his boyfriend entering their Secret HQ with four bodyguards behind him.
"Cupcake, you're here!!!" Kyungsoo says sweetly while he hugs his boyfriend. Baekhyun cringes at the endearment because really, Cupcake? What the fuck.
"Sweetie pie, I missed you!!!" Jongin shouts back, carrying Kyungsoo and pressing him against the wall. He peppers Kyungsoo's face with kisses. "My sweetie pie is so cute!"
"And my cupcake is so fucking handsome!"
"Oh god, have mercy on me," Baekhyun mumbles, burying his face on the crook of Chanyeol's neck. Chanyeol giggles, Baekhyun's hair tickling his skin.
"They're at it again."
"Do you want to get out of here?" Chanyeol asks, rubbing Baekhyun's thighs with his hand.
"What are we going to do?"
"Let's make Kyungsoo's leather seats dirty."
"Oh," Baekhyun says, looking at Chanyeol's eyes meaningfully. "I'd like that, baby."
"The Mercedes-Benz or the Audi?"
"The Ferrari," Baekhyun says, wrapping his arms around Chanyeol's neck as his boyfriend carries him bridal style. "The yellow one."
"DON'T FUCK ON MY FERRARI YOU HORNY SHITS," Kyungsoo shouts, gripping Jongin's hair on his lap who has now his lips wrapped around his cock, his hand stroking his member. Kyungsoo moans, feeling Jongin's throat against the tip of his cock.
"We'll try," Baekhyun says, sticking his tongue out.
*
END
(A/N: I'm sorry for this. I'm so sorry! Okay, I'm going to hide now, don't get mad at me. :( )
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