member : baekhyun

type : slight angst | light fluff

traits / qualities : lost baekhyun x low self esteem reader

»I'm a mess for your love«

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Y/N's POV

Everything's been so messed up here lately.

"You saw what you saw, why can't you still get that through your head?" My friend shouted at me, shaking my shoulders while I sobbed.

He don't love me, he don't love me.

"Maybe it was my fault?"

"How was it your fault when he cheated on you? You're sounding more dumb than you usually do and I want to backhand you at the moment."

"Maybe I wasn't pretty enough?"

"Y/N, that's not it," she hugged me, pulling me to her chest while I continued to cry. "It's his loss, don't let that make you doubt yourself."

"Just when I began to think I was pretty enough."

"You are pretty enough, a guy doesn't determine that for you."

Pretty sure he don't wanna be my baby.

"Did you see the girl he was with? She was so pretty, maybe if I was like her then he wouldn't have left me."

"Don't ever say anything like that again, just forget about him."

"You're right, I should still be happy with who I am, even if I'm not as pretty as the others, at least I have a good heart, right?"

But that's okay.

"Sure, that's the spirit."

'Cause I love me, yeah, I love me.

"Even if no one else can love me, at least I'll have myself, right?"

"Someone else will love you, and they'll make you feel pretty and like you're the best in the world."

But I'm not the best.

I'm a mess.

•••

Baekhyun's POV

"I don't think I should go," I sighed, not knowing if I wanted to be a part of the crowd.

"It'd be a great way for you to get your voice recognized," she urged and I sighed again.

"I-I don't know, I'm not like you who can just get on stage and dance like you own the place," I sat down, my shoulders slumping while she popped her gum.

"Fake it til you make it, baby," she shrugged.

"Is that why you wear heels? To fake being taller until you grow?" I teased and she narrowed her eyes.

"Why are we roommates?" She groaned.

"Hey! I'm like your sibling," I declared and she raised a brow.

"Yeah, the brother I wish I never had," she shot back, clicking her tongue and I took in her appearance.

She was generally laid back, her posture relaxed and loose. Yet I had known her long enough to see her spine snap straight in moments of danger. Fear was something I had seen in her eyes before, several times, but it was like she never spoke of how scared she was inside.

"I really admire you," I admitted and she made a face at me.

"That's disgusting, don't ever say stuff like that to me again. Get a girlfriend to flirt with if you're that lonely, you're not my type," she flipped her hair behind her shoulder and I laughed.

"Thanks for being my friend when no one else would."

"Why are you suddenly so emotional? Do you ever shut up about your sappy stuff?"

"You know, you may be cold and cruel, but I've also seen such kind moments of yours that it makes me question you."

Her eyes stayed over mine for a moment before she rolled them with a scoff.

"The people with the broadest shoulders often carry the largest boulders. Don't let sights fool you," she flicked my forehead as she stood before me. "I can lecture you on how life can be so harsh, the world we live in itself is so utterly beautiful and has the ability to take our breaths away in a second, but at the same time, the people we live with can make our very own lives a living hell. We can hate this world for something it never was guilty of, it only holds beauty that is often blamed, when people are the cause of that pain. Then again, I dropped out of high school so what would I know, right? Isn't that what society likes to spew out to everyone?"

"You never did tell me why you dropped out," I mentioned and I saw her shoulders stiffen, the short sparkle of her eye fusing out in a split second. "I'm so sorr-"

"To piss off my parents, don't apologize when you're not at fault, you moron," she ruffled my hair, her lips pulling into a small smile and she tilted her head.

I could swear I saw a glimmer of tears begin to form at the edges of her eyes, but she turned her gaze away before I could bring it up again.

"Don't let anyone ever try to break you, Baekhyun. No matter how shattered you actually may be, no one should hold that much power to morph another person into what they want them to be. Even if you have to fool them for your entire life, keep what you've got inside you, it doesn't matter if it stays hidden and no one is able to see it. Sometimes it's safer that way."

Her words often didn't make sense to me, it almost seemed like she was talking about an entirely split story. Like she was standing before me, but stuck in another memory. At the same time, it was like she always knew what to say, having experience from the excruciating pain she endured throughout the years of her youth.

"I love you."

"I'm gonna vomit."

"I genuinely do," I continued on.

"I know," she rolled her eyes at me. "A horrible decision really, don't do that to yourself."

"Why do you think you're the worst?"

She let out a soft breath, her lips tugging up at one side of her face, the feature anything but happy.

"When you're constantly told something you know may not be true, you'll begin to believe it sooner or later. You can't just shut out the words that go into your ears, you hear them and they make their home in your head. That's all, though it doesn't matter," she turned back to me, her eyes seeming to shine with unshed tears.

"Didn't you say something like that before? Like when you look at someone through a rose colored filter, red flags just look like flags?"

"Indeed, a human life can be difficult to live in sometimes," she smiled slightly, placing a hand over my shoulder.

Before I could think of what was going to happen, she pulled me close, her arms wrapping around me and I felt my lips part in surprise.

She wasn't one for attachment, physical or psychological. I couldn't remember the last time she had hugged me, perhaps when we were children? Like fully and entirely held me like this, not just a single arm around me to keep me close. She never needed to lean on anyone, even if she was stumbling while standing completely still.

"Thank you, Baekhyun."

My eyes went wide, my chest tightening and I felt my throat close, a sob forcing itself out of my mouth.

•••

"So you decided to go after all?" She mumbled, yawning when she walked into the kitchen.

"Yeah, I think I'm going to go through with this. I may not really know what I'm doing, but I've got to do something right? If I want to make my own path and pave directions for myself, I've got to actually take action in order for that to happen," I grinned at her and she nodded.

"Seems like lost boy is going to find himself, hm?" She mused, the nickname bringing a cry out from my chest and she blinked at me. "You've really got to work on that crying of yours, it keeps me up at night," she sighed, pushing a cup of tea before me.

"I don't know where I'd be without you," I sniffled and she snorted.

"Stop being so sappy this early in the morning, my bitter heart can't take it," she rolled her eyes, the action growing fond to me for some strange reason.

"It's like you're my sister."

"Yeah, like. Doesn't mean we're actual siblings," she scoffed, getting up to ruffle my hair again. "If you're going to go and sing on that stage tonight, then you've got to get ready. You can't be looking like soft pastel art book boy when you're performing on stage," she raised a brow at me and I gulped.

"What's wrong?"

"That atrocious sweater and that curly hair and those glasses, and those absolutely unattractive worn out sneakers," she teased, smiling at me. "I know that's who you are, but the world doesn't. Make a sharp impact on them like the blade of a knife."

"Why do you sound like that when you give advice?"

"Like what?"

"Like a gang member or something, I don't know?"

"Ha, ha. Very funny. Now undress, we've got to get you changed."

She shoved me into the room that we both shared since I insisted on not sleeping by myself. She went through the closet, rummaging for something while she tossed certain things at me.

"Hey, wait, these aren't even my clothes? How do we have more male clothes in our house?"

"Keep questioning and I'll tape your mouth shut," she rolled her eyes, going through drawers and she turned to me. "How have you not changed yet? What are you waiting for?"

I quickly grabbed what had been tossed in my general direction, quickly changing into it as she came over to me with eyeliner in her hand.

"Isn't this a bit too mu-"

"This isn't dramatic enough," she sighed, stepping back and I blinked.

"What? Can't I keep this one?"

"No, we need something more, take a look in the mirror and then I'll find something else."

"I think this is kind of extra enough."

"Here's a mic, let me take a few photos, pose for me," she stepped towards me, clicking the camera at me.

"You don't look hot enough," she shook her head, shuffling though shirts that I genuinely had no idea where they came from.

"This is pretty dramatic," I pointed out before a shirt was shoved in my face.

"Change, I think this is the one."

"Only a shirt?"

"I'm finding something else, wear that and show me, I've got to get your makeup done. I want to take more photos, these will be nice memories," she smiled at me and I felt my heart warm at the support I received.

"This is ticklish," I told her when she did my hair and makeup, stepping aside to click the camera.

"Makeup is fine, but more," she shoved something at me and I hurriedly slid it on. "I like that coat, take it off so I can take a photo. Like half on and half off, show me how hot you are," she grinned, giving a thumbs up when the camera flashed.

"Now put the jacket on, I'll get accessories," she adjusted something around my neck.

"Is this a child's toy?"

"Ew, no," she scrunched her nose. "Stand still, you can't even put a jacket on," she fixed it and I stood while she leaned down to get an angle.

"I think this is the one," she grinned brightly. "We'll wet your hair again right before you perform. Look to the side."

"Now let me stand there," she shifted.

"This is like the thing they put on your ankle when you got arrested, right?" I pointed to my neck and she threw a glare at me while I chuckled loudly.

"Look at this," she shoved something in my face and my eyes went wide. "I printed these into posters and pasted them all over the place so that they'll know who's going to be one of the performances tonight."

I stared at awe of the large print and felt tears well in my eyes.

"This is a close up from the one performance I did a few weeks back," I smiled at her.

"Just a reminder of your starting point, in case you ever feel like you don't know where you're heading in your life path. I also took a photo of when you were crying after and during your speech," she laughed, the photo bringing a heat of embarrassment to my cheeks.

"Why would you keep that?" I tried to pull it out of her hands but she held on tight to the photo.

"Good memories, let's go, we don't want to be late now."

"I'm going to cry."

"Wouldn't be the first time."

•••

"I kinda don't want to do this," I sighed.

"And I kinda want to smack you across your face, but you don't hear me complaining."

"Thanks for the support," I rolled my eyes, adjusting the microphone.

"You won't know if this is what you want to do with your life if you don't go through with it. Who knows? Maybe this'll be the performance that'll change it all for you and guide you on the path you want to walk on."

"Let's hope so," I smiled.

"And if not, then you can always try again with anything else. Who knows, maybe you're meant to open a bakery or create a perfume line or something," she shrugged, giving me a quick wink before shoving me towards the steps of the stage.

"I won't know unless I try, right?" I smiled at her and she nodded, leaning against the wall.

Parting my lips to inhale, my foot moved forward on the steps, one after another and I was soon on stage before a crowd of people.

Y/N's POV

You can choose the one you like!

"You look great!" She smiled and I sighed.

"I guess, I mean, the clothes are great, I just don't look good in them."

"You look fine, don't worry about it."

I don't look fine, I know that. I didn't feel like going outside more than half of the time just because I didn't want people to look my way or stare at me. I felt out of place and it was like everyone was so pretty while I just wasn't. Even if you're not pretty, if you can have confidence, you can pull anything off.

But I didn't have any confidence and I didn't want to try out for anything either because I knew I wouldn't make it or I'd fail the try outs and it's crush my confidence entirely. I didn't want to be seen a lot, let alone judged by people up close and personal. It's not like I had any talents either that would get me somewhere.

I suck.

No, I don't, I knew better than to say something like that.

I sighed, knowing that tearing myself down wouldn't help my case in any situation. I shouldn't hate things about myself that I wasn't given to hate, people out there have it worse than me and if they're able to handle it and be strong, I can too. They can smile and love themselves so I should try too. It's alright if I take a bit longer with it, it's okay to be slow in the process of loving yourself, right? It's no rush, I should take deep breaths and focus on myself.

"Nobody shows up unless I'm paying."

I fell entranced by the voice that sung, my head turning around to try and find the one it belonged to. I rushed through the crowd to try and get further forward, eager to see who was singing with such a tune that brought sobs out from my chest.

"Have a drink on me cheers to the failing."

I didn't even know why I was crying, I was over my breakup, I didn't feel sad about my ex either. It was like the voice was calling out to me with its melody, wrenching out cries from my lips while I stumbled forward. It seemed like my legs were ready to give out on me at any given moment, but I needed to see who was singing.

"Everything's gonna be alright."

With a final push, I was abruptly jerked to the side, resulting in me being up by the stage of the festival. A lot of thoughts hit me at that moment, and as his eyes swooped over crowd, he nodded along to the words he sung. My eyes stayed over him, his fantastic form that stood before me. So close that if I reached enough, I could probably grab onto his ankle. Then what, yank him off stage?

"Everything's gonna be okay."

He's so pretty.

"It's gonna be a good good life."

Something about the way he sung made me believe his every word. Saying that the stage presence he held was powerful was an understatement to say the slightest.

"That's what my therapists say."

I felt like he was passing that power out onto the audience. The radiance from his standing dorm that danced around the stage illuminated the open field.

"I'm a mess, I'm a loser."

His voice sung out and I found that my own was cheering for him. I was screaming, jumping, a part of the crowd while he performed for us.

"I'm a hater, I'm a user."

His facial features stretched with every syllable he stressed over.

"It ain't new."

I watched him bend down, lean back while he hit every note.

"I'm obsessed, I'm embarrassed."

His eyebrows furrowed together, his eyes shutting tightly while his lips parted to sing.

"I don't trust no one around us."

He threw his head back, his wet hair flopping through the air with every motion he made.

"Hey, everything's gonna be alright."

"Alright," I screamed out after him, gaining a few others to chant along to power him on.

"Everything's gonna be just fine."

"Just fine," we repeated, each person in the crowd becoming one when we cheered for him, seeing him nod and smile, widening into a grin out over at us.

"Yeah, I love myself anyway."

With the rock of his body and jerk of his head, he ended the song and I realized I was panting. Out of breath, I was in awe and shock of the performance I had been blessed with. To be a part of the crowd that was witnessing this person live.

He bowed before he left and a small group walked onto the stage next. I was left blinking, realizing he was off of the stage before I shoved my way through the crowd to try and catch him before he left. I wanted to thank him, try to tell him how much his performance meant to me.

"Baekhyun, I knew you'd survive."

He threw his arms around her, a shorter female and I suddenly felt like I was intruding.

"Oh," her eyes met mine and she winked at me before pulling away from Baekhyun, who was now in tears and ready to start sobbing. "Seems like you've got someone who's interested in you."

"I didn't mean to intrude or anything," I clarified. "I just wanted to thank yo-you."

"Thank me?"

His eyes went wide and I took the time to notice every detail of his face up close. He smiled at me, his head tilted to the side as his eyebrows were slightly furrowed together and it was like he was taking in the sight of me.

He made me feel pretty.

"You made me feel happy."

He broke out into an illuminating smile, brighter than the sun itself. Every tooth of his shone more than diamonds and those soft lips of his spread across his cheeks to adorn his features further.

"You made me feel happy too."

I made him feel happy?

No one's ever told me that I made them happy.

It's gonna be a good, good life.

ëxø

»I'm a mess for your love«

Only one picture of baekhyun here since I put so many throughout the one shot that I'm nearing the limit skkdkdkdk so here's puppybaek whatacyteueimsoft