At school-

The boys stared at...

"Richard and Cindy?" Cory questioned.

"Very deeply in love," Shawn answered as Richard and Cindy were just making out.

"Since when?"

"Lunch," I answer.

"What did they eat?"

"I don't know, but it was enough from the way they're kissing," I say.

Mr. Feeny saw us. "Ah, Mr. Heckle and Mr. Jekkyl, don't we have classes to attend?"

Cory motioned to them. "Mr. Feeny, shouldn't you break them up or hose them down or something?"

"Oh, I wouldn't interrupt their tryst, Mr. Matthews. They're both A-minus students and happily struck by Cupid."

"So, if they were C-minus students, you wouldn't let them kiss?"

"School policy, don't you know."

"So I can't kiss?"

"With your grades, Mr. Matthews, you can't even shake hands."

Cory stopped Mr. Feeny before he walked away, "Just watch, Mr. Feeny.
By the end of the year, I plan to have an A-plus average and a hickey."

Mr. Feeny patted his shoulder. "Dare to dream, Mr. Matthews."

I look ahead. "Oh great, another one."

"Holy cow. Jerry and Shoshanna?" Cory questioned.

"Deeply," Shawn said.

"Has the whole world paired off?"

"Pretty much," I answer. "Except me."

"Is there a list posted somewhere where I find out what girl's been assigned to me?"

"You want a girlfriend?" Shawn asked.

"No, not a girlfriend, just a girl who's like a friend, but not a girlfriend."

"And I'm stepping back now," I say, doing so.

"Not you, Betty."

"Thank God," I heard Shawn mutter.

"So something I have with Archie?" I ask.

"Yeah, that's good. Like that," Cory said.

A girl walked by. "How about her?" Shawn asked. "How about the new girl?"

"No." We both look at him. "I mean, I don't know her." We continued our looks. "Shut up. Look, I want someone I know, someone who knows me, someone who we know each other, someone like, uh Topanga!" Cory walked up to the girl, placing an arm around her. "Topanga, my honey. May I call you honey?"

"No," she answered.

"Well, this should be good," I watch. "Bet you five bucks she turns him down."

"You're on," Shawn agreed, shaking my hand.

Then we watched.

"Topanga, my girl, my friend, my girly friend. Believe me, I don't want this any more than you do, but everybody around here is pairing off, and I think you and I should spare ourselves a lot of uncoolness and walk through life together," Cory said.

"Cory, my dear little butthead-May I call you butthead?" Topanga asked.

"Sure."

"I can't walk through life with you."

"Ha ha, pay up," I look to Shawn.

"Not yet, it's not over," he said.

"Is there someone else?" Cory asked.

"There's everybody else."

I hold my hand out. "Pay."

Shawn pushed my hand down. "Not yet."

"Why? We're already standing together, and we look great." He looked around the school with a goofy grin. "Oh, come on. Work with me here."

"Cory, when guys and girls go out, first they fall passionately in love. Then, after a week, they hate each other.
So for one great passionate week, we'd lose a friendship that could last a lifetime."

"I'm in if you are."

"Cory, don't worry. I'm sure there's someone out there for you."

"Gimme a name!" Cory exclaimed as Topanga walked away.

"Cha-ching," I grin to Shawn.

With a sigh, he stuffed a five in my hand as Cory came over. "For the record, I dumped her."

"That's how I saw it," Shawb said.

***

In health-

"Well, Dubin's out sick again," Shawn said.

"Health teacher sick again? Not a lot of credibility," Cory said.

"I wonder what kind of creepy substitute we'll get today," I say.

A very pretty woman walked in. Both boys gaping at her. "Wow."

"That is no substitute. That is the real thing," Shawn said.

"Good afternoon, class. I'm Ms. Kelly, and I'll be filling in for Mr. Dubin for the next few days," Ms. Kelly said.

Shawn stood up. "On behalf of the entire class, I'd like to say stay as long as you like."

I raise my hand before standing up. "I have a question. Are you married? Please tell me you're married? Are you married?"

This reminds me. My mom tells me I get jealous easily, I just hope it doesn't show that much.

Ms. Kelly chuckled. "Now, right now, you seem to be covering-"

"CPR, and I'm today's dummy," Shawn said.

"I object. No, we're not."

Shawn sent me a look. "Yes, we are."

"He's just joking," I say, pulling him down in his seat.

"Actually, we seem to be up to human reproduction, which I hope we can discuss in a mature fashion."

The class giggled causing Shawn to turn to them, standing up. "Oh, stop being so young. You know, I'm not as young as they are. I've stayed back, like, 50 times."

"Shut up and sit down," I tell him.

"Really? How old are you?" Ms. Kelly asked.

"24?" Shawn answered.

"Really? What are you doing in a seventh-grade classroom?"

"I'm a cop."

"Listen to your girlfriend and sit down," she said.

"Not his girlfriend," I answer. Sadly, it'll probably never happen.

"All right, but I'm watching you," Shawn said as he sat down.

"All right, who can tell us the name of the organ where the eggs are stored?" Ms. Kelly went to Shawn. "Officer?"

"Oh, sorry, Ms. Kelly. I don't have that stuff," Shawn answered. "I can name the stuff I have. Or at least what I call them." I threw a paper at the back of his head which landed back on my desk.

"All right, the name of the place where the eggs are stored."

"What are the gonads?" Cory asked.

"No, sorry. I was looking for, what are the ovaries?"

"Oh, the o-Yeah, I always mix those two up."

"Try not to. Your future will be brighter. Can you tell us anything about ovulation or how pregnancy occurs?"

"Well, the man's got the sperm, and the woman's got the egg," Cory started. "Now, once a month, an egg slides down the Philippine tube towards the uterus. The first sperm to reach the egg wins, it gets a medal, it's born, you name him Cory, you push him out the door, and nothing makes sense for the rest of his life."

Ms. Kelly chuckled. "Congratulations.
You seem to have a thorough understanding of the life cycle."

"Hey, I live it," he replied.

"Any questions?" Cory raised his hand. "Yes?"

***

In the hall-

"Michael and Lisa Marie?" Cory questioned.

"Looks like it," Shawn said.

"Since when?"

"Just now. That was it," I answer.

"What, that?" Cory asked.

"Yeah. You saw it happen," Shawn adds.

"I can't believe it. I saw it happen, and I still don't know how it happens," Cory said.

"Stop obsessing, man. You're gonna pop a lobe."

"You're right. I should relax, 'cause this coupling thing, it's just a phase.
I mean, how long can it last a few weeks?"

Mr. Turner walked Ms. Kelly around. "The cafeteria's right this way. They know me there. I'll get us a good table."

"You would do that for me?" Mrs. Kelly asked.

"Oh, yeah. I'm very tight with Bertha, the lunchroom lady. Yeah, I once rescued a dolphin from her hair net."

"Okay, maybe it'll last a few years," Cory said once they were further down the hall.

Mr. Feeny walked side by side with an older woman. "Yes, I'm acting principal now, and the pressures would be daunting for a man half my age. Fortunately I have a vitality that belies my years."

Cory complained once they were gone. "I'm the only one who doesn't know how it's done.

"Listen, I think I found something that kind of works," Shawn declared.

"What?" Cory asked.

"This." He ran a hand through his hair. And I was a mess internally. I wanted to tell him how cute he looked, but I felt like I couldn't do that without hinting how I felt.

"Hi, Shawn," a girl greeted, waving to him.

Okay, Betty. Don't act jealous. Push it away like it's nothing.

"Wow," Cory said. "From across the hall."

"Yep, I got a 30-foot range," Shawn replied.

I shrug. "Eh, I'm not affected."

"What, you just jerk your head?" Cory asked.

"Watch again," Shawn told him. "I'm still young enough, I can do this twice in a row."

He flipped his hair, running his hands through. I turned away to hide my cheeks that were heating up.

A girl approached. "Shawn, it's so strange." She wrapped her arm in his just the way I did. "I was just thinking about you."

Shawn looked to Cory. "And that's without conditioner."

Once they walked away, I couldn't help it. "That's it."

"What's what, Betts?" Cory asked.

"That probably doesn't even work," I say, pulling my hair tie out of my hair, releasing my ponytail. I shook my hair free, running my hands through it. "See, it doesn't-"

"Hey, Betty," a boy I knew as Henry from homeroom walked up to me. "It's so weird. I was just thinking about you."

He placed an arm around my shoulders and I just shrug. "Okay, I'm not complaining anyomore."

***

After school, me and Shawn walked with Cory to his house.

"Nobody told me about this girl thing," Cory complained. "I mean, no one warned me. I thought they were just there. I didn't know they were interactive."

We walked to the kitchen. "You'll get the hang of it," Shawn reassured him.

"Totally. It even works on guys," I add.

"Sure. It's easy for you guys," Cory replied, grabbing a soda, handing me one, then Shawn. "Your hair moves."

"There's other techniques," Shawn said.

"Like what?"

"I don't know. I just do hair."

We follow Cory back to the living-room. "Yeah, but where do I get my technique?"

"Ask your brother. He's got the boom," Shawn replied.

"You know what? Let's just forget this whole subject. There are a million other things to do in the world. I mean, we're too young to worry about finding mates," Cory stated.

"You're right. See ya." Shawn stood up.

"Where are you going?" I ask.

"Off to meet girls. I've got a 30-foot range." He opened the door and flipped his hair again.

"Is that you, Shawn?" a girl asked.

Fine, two can play that game. I shove Shawn aside. "Move." I pull my hair out of my ponytail again, shaking it free.

"Betty, are you free right now?" A boy asked.

"Get out," Cory told us.

***

At school, Cory was staring at Wendy as Mr. Turner spoke, "So we find, in Fielding's novel, the character Tom Jones is absolutely irresistible to women. Isn't that right, Matthews?"

"Uh, yeah, that's right," Cory answered.

"What's right?"

"What you just said."

"What'd I just say?"

"You weren't listening, either?"

"Matthews, keep your head facing this way. Shawn, tell your buddy what I was saying," Mr. Turner called on Shawn.

"Uh, he was saying, 'Matthews, you're not listening'," Shawn came up with.

"Thank you. Did either one of you guys do the reading assignment?"

"Some of it," Cory answered.

"What did you read?"

"I read the page you handed us with the reading assignment on it," Cory said.

The bell went off causing Mr. Turner to cheer, "Yay! Yay!"

I got up, grabbing my bag, waiting for Cory and Shawn when I heard Wendy talk to Cory. "What?"

"Oh, uh. Uh, I was just looking at your hair," Cory came up with.

As Shawn was walking out, I grab his arm, pulling him aside so we could listen to Cory's conversation.

"I'm very interested in your hair," Cory continued.

I facepalmed myself. "Idiot."

"Come on, have faith in the guy, Betts," Shawn told me.

"Why?" Wendy asked. 

"Because it's it's interesting hair," Cory answered. "I mean, it's very exquisite hair. It's the most exquisite hair my eyes have ever beheld," Cory answered.

"Well, actually, I did comb it differently this morning."

"So, um, with all that said, would you be interested in going out with me?"

"All right. I guess so," she replied causing me and Shawn to share a smile. "When?"

"Uh, tomorrow, after school."

"Okay. See you then."

Once she walked out, Cory came out too. "Has a brand-new couple taken shape before my very eyes?" Shawn said.

"What can I say? I've got the boom!" Cory bragged.

"Yes, Cory, you were, oh so, smooth," I sass.

***