"Once I wished I was a duck," I watch a kid say on the TV in our classroom. "As mostly ducks have lots of luck. They swim around all day in a pool and mostly never have to go to school." 

"Beaver, I think that's very, very cute," the mother said.

"Hey, Beav, you still think you'll get a prize for that?" the older brother asked. 

"Sure, Wally," Beaver replied. "I'm the only kid in the third grade who wrote a poem."

They all went back to eating and the screen faded to black.

"So, how do you feel Ward and June handled their family problem?" Mr. Feeny asked the class.

"They were too perfect," Shawn said.

"Too TV," Cory added.

"I agree with you, Mr. Matthews," Mr. Feeny stated.

"That's not like you."

"In fact, you brought me to today's assignment."

"That's like you," I point out. 

"Back in the prehistoric 1950s when Cleavers strode the earth The U.S.Census indicated that a model American family had a mother, a father, and three children."

"Leftovers," Cory spoke.

"What are you talking about, Mr. Matthews?" 

"Well, last year in fifth grade we divided up into families and solved problems. It's sixth grade now, Mr. Feeny. Families are yesterday's news."

"Very well. This year, I shall let you form into urban gangs."

"Cool."

"Each gang will have a mother, a father, and three children."

"You just love dangling that little string of hope in front of us and yanking it away, don't you?" 

"I had a cat."

Shawn leaned over to me and Cory. "I bet it hung itself."

Mr. Feeny wrote on the board. "In this assignment each participant will help the other to become an ideal family member. For instance Mr. Hunter. Ms. Cooper and Mr. Minkus will be paired as brothers and sister, of course."

"Oh, no," me, Minkus and Shawn said, slapping each of our foreheads. 

"Trust me. You are going to enjoy this. I know I shall. Now, each of you will write a profile of a model brother. Then each of you must become that brother and sister."

"You mean Shawn and Betty have to act exactly like I want them to?" Minkus asked. 

"That's correct, Mr. Minkus." 

"Uh-oh," I say.

Cory looked to me and Shawn. "You're gonna be Minkus' siblings. Nerd-o-rama. I'd hate to be the guy who had them for kids."

"Funny you should say that, Mr. Matthews," Mr. Feeny pointed to Cory. "Or, as I like to call you Dad."

"He's gonna be my father?" Minkus asked. 

"Yes!" Cory exclaimed. 

"And Miss Lawrence is your mother," Mr. Feeny said to the girl ahead.

"No!" Cory said. 

***

Later, our 'family' met up at Cory's house and tried to go over our assignments. I look up from my paper as I tried to help Shawn figure out what Minkus needed to be. 

"I am Topanga's model husband," Cory read off as Shawn walked by them. 

Shawn looked to them. "I'm sorry. I'm just flat-out looking forward to this."

I listened as Cory read off,  "I live my life in harmony with the physical and metaphysical world aligned with the Navajo spiritual path." Cory nodded as he slid off the counter. Okay. Um, I could do that. I'd love to do that. There's just one little thing that might throw this off just a smidge."

"What?" Topanga asked. 

"I'm not a Navajo!" 

"You don't have to be a Native American to be in tune with nature."

"Don't you hate it when Mom and Dad fight?" Minkus asked from his spot beside me. 

"Sadly, yes," I say. "Mom, Dad, stop fighting."

"No," Shawn answered. "Into it."

Cory approached our table. "Well, we're not fighting long. 'Cause I got something here that'll take the fight right out of Mom." Cory handed her a paper. "Read it and weep, little big hair."

"My model wife won't care how dirty my room gets. She will always let me win at video games. She will play street hockey at any time, day or night." She finally looked to Cory. "Why don't you just marry Shawn or Betty?"

I made a face in disgust as did Shawn as Cory's eyes switched in between us."'Cause our kids would look like horses."

"And I'd pretty much be his mom, not his wife. Also, ew," I say.

"My turn," Minkus spoke as he handed Shawn a folder. "Here you go, bro." Then, to me. "And, sis."

Shawn flipped through the pages. "Minkus, this is, like, forty pages."

"Since I have no siblings, I spend many hours imagining what a younger brother Minkus would act like."

"Maybe something like this," Shawn remarked while tossing the paper.

I read through the first page. "We're twins?" I question. 

"Yeah," Minkus answered. "I always wondered what it would be like to have someone to share the same birth date with."

"It's annoying," I answer, "I have a twin."

"Well, studies show that if you are a twin, you're most likely to be friends for a long time."

Eric came in, slid on the counter. "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." He flipped his hair back.

"Shawn, help protect my eyes," I hide my face in his shoulder.

"He thought he felt her hot, mossy breath on his eye. He blinked," I heard Eric continue.  "She was gone. The beating of wings..." I looked up to see him make a motion with his hand. "Obsession."

Cory mocked him. "Get help."

Eric cleared his throat. "I was discovered today."

"You get discovered at the mall?" Shawn asked. 

"How'd you know?" Eric questioned. 

"Did you pay $90 to get photos taken?" I ask, crossing my arms. 

"Yeah, you can't model without a portfolio."

"You were scammed," Shawn stated.

"They get you to pay all this money..." Cory continued. 

"And then you never hear from them."

"Completely untrue. It's not a scam," Minkus spoke.

Eric pointed to him. "Yeah, listen to Minkus, boys. He's the smart one."

"I, too, was discovered at the mall."

I look to Eric. "You've been duped."

"Doh!" Eric cried, slapping his forehead and falling on the counter. 

Morgan went up to him as Mr. and Mrs. Matthews came in. "Eric, girls are gonna dump you all your life so get over it."

"He got scammed at the mall," Cory told his parents.

"Scammed? How?" Mrs. Matthews asked. 

"Well, some girl told him he was cute and he forked over $90 for modeling photos."

"$90?" Mr. Matthews questioned before picking up Eric from the counter. "$90?" 

"Can I speak with you alone for a second?" Mrs. Matthews asked her husband. 

"No."

"I would like to speak with you outside." 

"I know you would, but my anger would still be here in the kitchen."

"Alan..." she called.

Mr. Matthews looked to Eric. "I'll be back."

***

I borrowed a leather jacket from Shawn and left my hair down the next day in class-

"So, this family's crisis the older, cooler brother wants to get a tattoo," Mr. Feeny motioned to Minkus. "The twin sister to the older, cooler brother is just as cool." He stood by me. "And wants to buy to get a tattoo plus a motorcycle. Conflicts abound.Take it away, younger, uncool brother." He patted Shawn's shoulder.

"I can't fathom why any human being in full possession of his faculties would want to render himself permanently disfigured with so-called 'body art'," Shawn spoke although I was trying to hold back giggles. "Whoa," he said, removing his glasses. 

"What?" Cory asked. 

"I'm such a good geek I scared myself," Shawn put the glasses back on.

"Listen, pinhead," Minkus spoke, pushing his hair back it's my body. And I'll do whatever I want with it."

"Yeah, you heard him," I lean forward, throwing my feet up on Mr. Feeny's desk. "He'll do whatever he wants and so will I. "And you're not even going to look at my new Harley, Screech Powers. So shut it."

 Minkus continued. "Unless maybe you'd like to try and stop us, you woodchuck faced, nearsighted underweight, future I.R.S. auditor."

"Mr. Minkus, I might remind you that eventually the bell will ring and he will be he, Ms. Cooper will be her and you will be you and natural selection will once again rule the blackboard jungle."

Minkus pulled out a five dollar bill. "Will five cover it?"

Shawn took it. "Hey, talk some more."

"I'm not giving you anything," I told Shawn.

"We won't be brother and sister and I'll just want a kiss," Shawn smiled until I raise my fist threateningly. "You know what, never mind."

"Okay," Topanga spoke. "You live under our roof. We make the decisions. No tattoo. Tattoo, you, no." She looked to me. "And you, no motorcycle for you. Cycle, you, no."

"A person's body is his temple. If our son and daughter wants to ornament his temple With a tattoo let them worship in their own way," Cory said. "Nam myo ho renge kyo. You are so bizarre!" 

"I've decided, without benefit of discussion with my spouse," she pointed to Cory. "Because that's the kind of husband I know you'll be, the tattoo will have to wait."

Minkus stood up, ripping his shirt open and revealing a tattoo on his chest. 

"Whoa. Cool," me and Shawn say.

"Stuart, a tattoo," Topanga placed a hand over her chest. "It speaks to me."

"Minkus, what's the deal? We agreed on no tattoo," Cory told him.

"Mr. Feeny's assignment was to solve a family problem and I decided to solve it my way," Minkus said. "Well, actually,their way," Minkus pointed to me and Shawn.

"Minkus you've got a dark side," Shawn said. 

"It speaks to me," I say.

"Let's not go overboard. It's just a press-on," Minkus chuckled.

I stood up. "And just to be clear, I didn't get a tattoo, but I did buy a motorcycle." Not a lie, I had a small motorcycle figure in my pocket.

"Great. Thanks for screwing up the assignment," Cory told us.

"On the contrary, Mr. Matthews," Mr. Feeny cut in. "Mr. Minkus and Ms. Cooper didn't screw up the assignment at all."

"Yeah, but we had our family discussion all planned out, and he messed it up. They broke the rules."

"Which is exactly what happens in real families. There is no model household. There are no model parents."

Topanga spoke up, "I think the only way you can judge a family is by how much love there is in the home."

"Excellent point, Miss Lawrence. A family is a living, breathing thing that requires constant adjustment and change."

"But Beaver's dad never changed. You always knew what he was gonna say," Cory said, referring to the video. 

"Beaver's dad wasn't real. Real fathers have to adapt. Real fathers don't have a script like Beaver's father did."

"I guess it's easy to sound smart when you've got the best writers in Hollywood writing everything you say."

Mr. Feeny paused. "I wouldn't know."

***

Later, me, Shawn and I went to the mall.

"Oh! Cory!" some dude in a lobster suit called out as well all walked through the food court. 

"Cory, that lobster over there seems to know your name," I speak.

The lobster waved us over. "Boy, what kind of idiot would wear one of these getup's at the mall?" Cory asked us. 

"Come here," the lobster said.

The when we got closer we saw Cory's older brother. "Apparently Eric."

I tried to hold back my laugh as Shawn spoke, "Eric, this may come as somewhat of a shock but you're a lobster, dude."

I snickered as Eric said, "Look, Jason and I invited two girls here to watch me model."

"Well, I hope they bring a side of slaw."

Eric grabbed Shawn in his claws. "You have to get rid of them!" 

***

All of us ran up to Jason and the girls Eric told us about.

"Jason!" Cory called out. 

"Hey, come to see your brother up in lights, too, huh?" Jason asked him. 

"Yeah, but he had to leave," I lied.

"Why? What happened?" 

"Uh, he's not feeling well," Cory added.

Shawn spoke up, "Yeah, he's a little under the water."

"Weather," I corrected as nudged him and tried to hide my smile.

 "Yeah."

"Wow, how weird," the girl in the pink said.

"He was fine a few hours ago," the girl in the green stated.

"So, I guess you want to just take the girls and get out of here immediately, right?" Cory asked. 

"Is anyone hungry?" the announcement in the food court came on. "Shoppers, now's your chance to win a free Lobster dinner from Larry's Lobster Locker!" 

The girls went up to Jason. "Oh, lobster. Win us a lobster."

"All you have to do to win a free meal is knock Larry the Lobster into the giant tub of butter."

Someone pulled back the lobster curtain to show a frowning Eric in a tub of butter.

"Oh, check it out," Jason laughed. 

"Oh, he's a lobster," the girl in pink said. "How embarrassing for him. Maybe we should be sensitive and understanding."

"Then we wouldn't be us," the girl in green added.

"Dunk him," they both told Jason.

"Hey, come on. Don't throw that, Jason," Eric begged. "We've been best friends since we were three years old. Who are you gonna listen to some girls you don't even know or me?" Jason looked at the girls then Eric. "See ya."

With one throw, he knocked Eric in the tub of butter.

"Should I start singing Under the Sea, Eric the Lobster version?" I ask Shawn making him laugh.

***

Hi!

I know I haven't been quick with my updates on this book, and haven't been giving much in tell about Zack or their mom, but that's because I want to get to season 2 quickly. Hope you guys understand if you only get a quick scene with Betty's family.