What if what Brendon said was true? What if Mary really is hiding something from me? I mean, it would explain why she would be going out with her friends quite a lot recently. But then again, she really could be just going out with a few friends. She'd never do anything to hurt me. Would she? And Brendon could be just getting a rise out of me. Wanting me to leave Mary and go full time at the circus. He's definitely mentioned something like that before. He thinks that Mary's getting in the way. That I'm loosing focus on 'what's important'.

I found myself sitting on the ground, rocking slightly back and forth as my hands gripped tightly onto my hair. I bet I looked psychotic and pathetic, talking to myself in this position. I quickly looked around and to my surprise, there wasn't anyone watching me. Well, from what I could tell anyways. It was dusk after all. I have to compose myself. I can't let the performers see me like this. Not again. I finally had stopped my freak out moments, and I wasn't about to start again now. It made me look weak. It made me feel weak. And being to co-ringleader, I cannot let everything get to me. Especially during a show.

I've learned that the hard way about having a break down in front of a crowd. The lights quickly had to darken before I even finished my intro, and Brendon ended up having to step in, in my place. And after the show was even worse. I remember sitting in the dressing room of our bus, being the only one there at that point in time. I was slowly coming back into reality when he walked in, slamming the door behind him. And all I remember was him screaming at me. He screamed at me how much of a weak person I was, and that I needed to get over everything. That my past was done with. And then I remember him kicking me to the ground, still screaming in frustration. But what I remember most, was how much I wasn't scared of him. I didn't flinch through any of it. Maybe I was still in that state of mind from my break down. Or maybe I just didn't have a reaction from it. And ever since then, I never had another break down. Not once. And I wasn't about to let it happen again.

After a few more moments, I realized that I was still sitting on the ground. And honestly, I didn't know if I would have been able to get back up to my feet. My legs felt weak and my heart rate was quickening. It was happening again. I was doing so well with controlling it, so why now does it decide to act up? Deep breaths Ryan. Deep breaths. Get up and you'll be fine. Don't let them see how weak you really are.

"Ross?!" A feminine voice rang through my ears. I couldn't quite recognize who it was. But there was a hand on my shoulder as I saw the outline of a skinny figure sit by my side. "Ross, you alright?" The voice spoke once more. I opened my mouth to reply, but there was no sound that came out. So all I could really do was to nod my head. "You don't look alright. Are you...having a moment again?" Fuck.

"No." I snap my neck up to see Woodrow sitting beside me and I gave her a glare. "I am not having a 'moment'. I am fine." I try my best to stand up without a struggle. As soon as I brush my overcoat off, I look back at Woodrow, who was already staring up at me with those innocent golden eyes with fear spread across her face. I don't think I've ever snapped at her. Everyone else, yes. But never her.  I sigh and look at her sympathetically. "I'm fine."

She slowly stood up and intertwined her fingers together and she looked down at the ground.  "I'm sorry, Ross." She replied with barely a whisper. "They're just...looking for you, is all." I heard her let out a shaky breath before she quickly walked in the other direction.

"Woodrow!" I yell after her and start walking towards her. She flinched at the sound of her name being called and stopped right where she was. Once I got to where she was standing, I placed my hand under her chin, forcing her to look at me. "Why are you like this? I didn't mean to snap at you. I am sorry." She gets out of my grip and sighs once more.

"You're not the only one with a past, okay?" She raised her eyebrows as she says this. "Quickly now Ross, Leader is looking for you. Probably getting pissy already." She chuckled and ran off to where I would assume our bus was currently. And I guess I had no choice but to follow her.

~~~

"Mary?" My heart pounded at the thought.

"Yes, babe?" She replied, looking at me with a smile. But I wasn't able to smile back. There was too much on my mind. As a matter of fact, Brendons words were on my mind. Something he said struck me, and now I wasn't able to get it out of my head. And she noticed that. "Ryan, are you okay?" Her smile washed away.

I look down at my ripped up jeans and old converse before sighing and looking up at her. "No." I wanted to say more, but I had a struggle of even getting that out. Her vibrantly blonde hair covered her glowing, confused blue eyes.

"What is it?" She slid closer to me and rested her head upon my shoulder. "You can tell me, babe." How do I say this? 'Hey Mary, are you cheating on me?'  Because after all my thinking earlier, that's what it seems like. And I don't know if I can handle the answer if its the truth.

"Why do you disappear every night? IS there something you're not telling me?" I just let it all out. Without meaning to, I push Mary away from me and give her a glare. "We're getting married in a few days, and it seems like you never want to be around me? What's going on?" I felt myself start to shake with anger as my hands balled into fists.

Mary placed a hand on my shoulder. "Ryan, calm down. Okay?" She talked in her calming voice. Which actually caused me to loosen my fists. "I never said that I didn't want to be around you. It's just that I have a friend who recently had a death in the family. And he's not coping well. So I've been over there to make sure that nothing bad happens to him. I don't want him to hurt himself in any way. Because well...he can get in that mindset." Her hand released from my shoulder and the look on her face was like she was hurting from what had happened to her friend.

"I...I'm sorry. You should have told me sooner." I looked back down at my jeans and looped a loos string around my finger.

"I didn't want to worry you, Ryan." She forced me to look at her as she smiled. Placing her fingers at the corners of my mouth, she pushed my face up to try to get me to smile back. I managed to get out of her grip and laughed. "There he is."

Brendon is just messing with my mind. He just wants me to ditch Mary to be full time with the circus. Well you know what, Brendon? Fuck off. You can't control my life. As a matter of fact, after the wedding, I'm going to leave you and the circus for good. I'm going to have a life with the woman I love most. And there's nothing in the world that can change that.