Danielle sat at the lunch table like an empty shell. A shell bereft of any feeling.

Nothing in her. Nothing to satisfy the empty feelings that seemed to linger after waking up each and every morning. She sat with her familiar group of five characters whom she sat with on almost a daily basis. This was her crew. Her clique. The group she was supposed to feel like she fit into. The ones that seemed to be there for her.

But the problem is that she felt nothing. She couldn't feel if they were there for her or not. It's like she blocked herself from allowing them to care.

Their conversation didn't catch her attention. She just sat there with a fist balled in her lap, fingernails gnawing at her tough skin under the faded-crimson round table. Being outdoors in the school courtyard allowed the Sun to flash massive, intense amounts of heat against the back of her bright yellow fleece crew neck tee-shirt. She didn't mind. It felt good because she could feel it. She could feel the heat burning against her skin. Making her feel just as alive as breathing in and out through her nostrils.

"Danny!" Her head shot up, caught in her mental seclusion by her friend Lucia. Lucia's bright blue eyes almost sparkled as the sun's glare did wonders on the orbs of ocean blue. Daniella plastered a strained smile on her face. One of those close-mouthed smiles that didn't show that you were depressed, but they didn't show that you were overjoyed. A nice medium between lying to the world.

"Were you listening?" She continued, with a look of minor disbelief at Danielle's audacity to ignore such momentous moment for her friend.

"Phillip just got his acceptance e-mail from Howardson's," she finished off, while her arm wrapped tightly around Phillip's broad shoulders. His award-winning smile spread across his face. It was almost contagious. Lucia smiles back as the others continued their conversation about what colleges they got into. Good thing for Daniella, she didn't have to participate in such a conversation because she wasn't going to college. She was rejected from all in which she applied. She didn't have to indulge in the endless banter about university, financial aid, and dorms. She had nothing to say. She wasn't going anywhere away from this small town.

"Danny," Jaime called. Daniella glanced to her right to face the girl. The girl that was an absolute supermodel. She was gorgeous. From her long black kinky-curly hair to her brazen chocolate brown eyes that made her so captivating. Just why? Why couldn't Daniella be that pretty? Why couldn't she look like her friends? The ones that were so beautiful with their paper-thin waists and natural curves. They seemed to have no problems. No issues. No conflict.

"Yeah?" Daniella questioned, weary of facing Jaime. Her fist still balled up under the table kept her feeling. Feeling that she was real and that this was her reality.

"Why don't you ever eat lunch with us?" She asked, quizzically, with her soft brown eyes hopefully and patiently waiting for an answer.

"I-I do eat lunch with you guys," Daniella combatted, shakiness lacing her unsteady voice. She knew what Jaime meant, but she has always avoided this question. She was never going to reveal that part of herself that she genuinely despised. Loathed. Abhorred.

"No," Jaime laughs off, "I meant, why don't you ever... y' know... eat when we're at lunch? I mean... I've never seen you actually eat lunch this entire year. I thought you would be at least a bit hungry. If it's just that you always forget your lunch, I could always bring you something or get you something in the lunch line if-"

"I'm good!" Daniella accidentally vocalized too harshly. Her voice boomed at the table. Not loud enough for the rest of the students in the courtyard to hear, but loud enough to catch everyone's attention at the small table. The rambling of the girl was too much. It made her feel attacked. But how? She wasn't trying to be mean. She wanted to help. The various conversations came to an abrupt end and all attention was on her. The girl that couldn't control herself. In any way, shape, and form. The girl that couldn't eat like others. The girl that couldn't control her weight. The girl that couldn't control what she ate because she's simply lost it. Lost control.

Eyes full of confusion aimed at her, made her skin itch. Saying she felt uncomfortable was simply an understatement. She felt disturbed.

Nothing said. She pushed herself from the table and excused herself. Her dark brunette locks mangled in the windy weather winding through the courtyard of her school. Her navy blue backpack clung to her by one strap that was on her shoulder as she steadily ran.

Ran down the hall. Made a left. And one last left into the bathroom. The peeling, painted red stalls all lined up for her use. Not for the use, one would assume.

She found a stall and created her own personal safe haven. Not a sanitary one, but it would do until she got home. She found the second to last stall by the handicapped bathroom. She climbed atop the seat of the open toilet with her shoes hard-pressed against the horseshoe-shaped apparatus as she squatted over it and remained there. The instability of her emotions got to her and she couldn't help but cry almost endlessly as the bathrooms remained empty and desolate. Her cries were muffled as she placed her hand over her mouth, forcefully. No one would hear her cry.

The sound of the bell rang obnoxiously, the noise bouncing off the walls of the bathroom. It was time for her tears to come to an end. For them to disappear for a moment before she went out to face the world. Her legs felt numb as she climbed off the toilet. Her all-black sneakers squeaked against the floor of the stall. She slowly disarmed the lock to the stall and walked out making her way to the cheap school paper towels. She used them to aggressively erase the remnants of tears from her face.

________

The last class she had gone by like the speed of light. Nothing memorable, since she sat there like a wall of stone. Jaime sat across the classroom and spared glances at Daniella the entirety of the class period. She was worried. Lashing out at one of your closest friends like that wasn't normal. She stared until the final bell of the day rang. Daniella swiftly exited the doors of the classroom to hurriedly catch the bus home.

Home was where her heart was, or where her food was. Food was there for her when no one else was. The key slowly pivoted and unlatched the front door of her humble abode. The emptiness of the home almost immediately consumed her. The subtle whirring sound of the air-conditioning running in the background. Her rubber sneakers clattered against the marble tiling that laid out every inch of the fairly-sized four bedroom home.

Her mother and father were never home. Running a business became their main priority after Danielle became of age to take care of herself. Feed herself. Her parents worked like speed demons every day, a majority of the time, forgetting to call to check up on Danielle. Their company became their child in replacement of the one they actually had. Danielle didn't mind. She was okay with it.

One thing they made sure of, was that there was always food in the house for Danielle. To make sure that she always had a meal of some sorts, in their absence. Only, they allowed Danielle to stock up on some of her favorite commodities.

Danielle sloppily thrust her backpack onto the spotless mahogany, wood-finished dining table that was never used. She doesn't recall the last time she and her family sat down and enjoyed a meal. Maybe at age six? Seven? No, eight...maybe?

The dark brunette strutted over to the kitchen and began throwing open cabinets and shelves. A smile crept onto her face, realizing that it was that time of the day to satisfy the hunger that ate at her stomach for the past twelve hours.

The plethora of various brightly colored snacks sat in the multiple shelves and cabinet that were opened. Danielle shuffled and grabbed at random items that she wanted. She placed them, skillfully all across the dining table.

A sealed dark-green pack of entirely glazed donuts.

Three packs of miniature chocolates.

Eight bags of the saltiest potato chips she could find.

Half of a leftover pizza from last night that sat on the dining table already.

A liter of a dark brown carbonated drink.

All of her 'meal' was lathered all over the dining table that was never used. The dining table only she used because she was the only one there to use it.

She dug in.

The crinkling of the potato chips in all its salty glory enticed her. It made her mouth water at the thought of consumption.

She saw all of this food as a necessity. She needed to eat it all because she hasn't eaten in nearly twelve hours. She was starving. Starving herself to look like Lucia and Jaime. Starving herself to become someone she was not. Someone she, truthfully, did not want to be, but someone she made herself believe she needed to be.

She continued to consume the food. One thing after the other entered her mouth and made her feel full. The feeling of fulfillment was satisfied by the thousands of calories she forced her body to consume at one point.

Her feeling of fulfillment reached its capacity when her fairly flat stomach protruded a bit. Her feeling of fulfillment being when her stomach hurt, making her incapable of sitting up straight in her chair. The food was nearly gone. Ravished all by the hundred and forty-pound girl. The girl who was addicted to this form of necessity.

Her stomach ached uncontrollably that involuntarily tears swelled in her eyes as she realized what she had just done. Now, she felt fat. Worthless. Ashamed.

Utterly humiliated by her inability to control her impulsiveness. Her need to satisfy and replace the emptiness that threatened to devour her mind, soul, and entire being.

The food boiled in her stomach and the tears came hard and fast. She felt bloated, stout, and unworthy. She regretted eating all that food in the first place, but she knew it would happen again because it was difficult for her to give up one of the only things that made her feel. She briefly remembered how the food went down her throat.

Now, she forgot how it felt and she was dealing with the pain. The consequences of her impulsive actions. She didn't want to feel like this anymore.

Danielle wiped her tears solemnly with the back of her hand as she slowly lifted herself from the cushioned, wooden chair. The girl slugged over to the bathroom down the thin hallway of her home.

The door swung open and the lights flickered on. She shut the door behind her as if hiding from someone. But who? Who would see her in such a state?

Her auburn eyes caught in the stainless circular mirror of the neat and tidied half bathroom. Her eyes were reddened, seeming as though she had pink eye in both eyes. She flinched back, frightened by her own appearance. The slight mascara that she put on this morning as an attempt to make herself 'pretty' was smothered all under her eyes. All over her slightly tanned skin. The heat from her frustration shown in pinkish clouds on her cheeks from all the blood that rapidly coursed through her veins.

Her smaller frame in the mirror was not what she perceived. Her already thinned-out waist allowed the fleece yellow shirt to hang loosely around her hips. Her skeleton-like fingers trembled as they gripped around the edges of the pearly white sink. They gripped for dear life as she was barely able to hold herself up due to the fragility of her body. She was decrepit.

Only, what she saw was spillage at her waist. She saw fat that covered her arms and stomach. She pulled at the skin, to measure how far the fat stretched out on her body. The fat that covered her fingers made her look like she had sausage fingers. The fat that covered her cheeks, disgusted her. She squished her cheeks together, testing how they would look in the way she wanted.

The tears kept spilling. They spilled now because she was bloated. She was overweight. She only saw fat that covered every inch of her body and she wanted to get rid of it. Now.

She's heard about vomiting up food from the mandatory anorexia PSA they had to show at school during the Human, Growth, and Development course. She remembered that one of the girls in the video lost so much weight from doing it. Danielle knew that she wasn't anorexic and assumed that she would only try it once. It would only be a one-time thing. She had to relieve herself from all the pain she felt both physically and mentally. She had to do it somehow.

The young girl knelt before the toilet and gradually lifted the seat cover. She stared at the toilet water, hesitant at what she was about to do. She shook her head and slowly stuck her finger down her throat.

The feeling was unpleasant as her shorter fingernail scraped against her uvula. She shuttered at first and composed herself before trying again and fully committing. She committed and the contents that were just consumed only moments ago came spilling out. She held onto the sides of the toilet seat as she convulsed and continued letting go of the commodities that brought her so much pain.

She kept going. The yacking sounds did not phase her. She continued until there was nothing else to give anymore. She hurriedly flushed the toilet unable to face what she just did, fearing that she would vomit once again.

She sat back on her knees and felt satisfied. A dazed smile spread across her features.

She was only content for a brief moment.

Her eyes became heavy and her palms became sweaty. Beads of sweat formed on her forehead and she felt sick once again. She felt lightheaded and her vision began tunneling until she felt her body slowly atrophy.

And she was gone.

Gone, until she woke up to the obnoxious clicking sounds of machines.

Then, she heard people.

Multiple voices, jumbled all over the place.

"She's awake!" An individual shouted from across the room.

Danielle's eyes fluttered open to see her mother's soft face and her father right behind her with his soft smile. Her soft hazel orbs of comfort bring Danielle to involuntary tears.

"Danny! Babygirl!" Her hands cupped Danielle's drained face in the tenderest manner, seemingly afraid that she might hurt her. She pecked Danielle's forehead and Danielle simply blinked, forcing an influx of tears to be shed.

Danielle's eyes diverted over to the corner and she spotted a familiar face: Jaime.

Jaime made her way over to Danielle with tears pooling her bottom eyelids.

"Danny?" She croaked, unsure of how to approach her ailing friend.

Danielle felt the multitude of IVs that corrupted her veins. She felt weak, unable to even hug her mother back in her tight embrace. Her thin arms could barely lift themselves from her sides as if they were glued down.

Being in this debilitated state made her wonder how she had come to this. Months of binging and starving had all come down to this. Making her the fragile shell of the human that she was before. The brief moments of fulfillment were long gone. It's like it all didn't even happen. A distant memory.

What she saw as a necessity became an addiction that ran out of control. Out of her control and luckily for Danielle, she had someone who cared enough.

Someone who couldn't stand by and watch her friend crumble even though she didn't know, specifically, what was wrong. But all that mattered was that she was there. There before Danielle succumbed to her own distorted reality of what she thought her body was.

Danielle looks back on that day every day of her life because that was the day she could have lost it all. That was the day in her adolescence that almost defined her life. She was thankful that Jaime found her and she was thankful that she got help and woke up from her distorted view of beauty and what she believed it looked like in women. She is fine the way she is now at a hundred and eighty-three pounds, strong and healthy.

She survived.

________<€>________

A/N: Hey! This was a very difficult topic to write about, but I felt that it needed to be heard. This story is unique, in its own right, but binge eating disorder occurs a lot among adolescents and I was inspired to write this in one go because the idea lingered in my mind, refusing for me to let it go. So I wrote about it and here it is...

I hope this provokes conversation and gets people thinking, at least.

Thank you for checking out my short story and if anyone feels like they know anyone that may be going through this or if you personally feel like you need help, don't be afraid to use one of these links to learn more about this disorder:

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/by-eating-disorder/bed

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/eating-disorders/binge-eating-disorder.htm/