"Come home with me."

I reach out to grab him: try to tell him to stop standing in the middle of the road for me. But he's learned his stubbornness over time from me and he's trying to prove a point: that he loves me. I try to point out there are better ways than this. A rumble shakes the ground and my ear drums; something's coming.

My hands grasps air as I reach in vain for him. I shriek as he is silent as an emotion pain hidden deep in your soul. Anxiety and adrenaline course through my veins (a potent mix). I subconsciously bite my lip in the way he liked but not for that reason anymore: I'm horrified.

I scream nonsense at him but the only thing that leaves my lips that makes sense is his name. He fades: from an olive tone, then to opaque, and finally to a mist. The blur of black hits just as the last particles turn to thin air.

Ruby red splashes in every direction from where he was standing like rain hitting the roof. The color lands everywhere -my mind, my vision, on my hands; but the road is an untainted deep grey without a hint of in-uniformity.

A deafening shrill shreds my ears to bits. I squeeze my fingertips into my head creating crescent shaped indentions but the noise prevails. I sharply inhale the smell of ebony smoke as the cry silences. The scream is my own.

A black truck is wrapped around a tree like an ash covered wedding ring recovered from a furnace. Clouds of ink flow from every inch on the machine. I search the road, the trees, and the sky for him. He is no where to be seen.

I should see if the driver is okay, I try to tell myself. Furry and selfishness take over for what he's done and I refuse. I scream his name hundreds of times.

The cerulean blue sky has turned an icy white as the last piece of the world has become cold to me too.

Sirens roar from the right. I turn my body to face the blaring sounds that dare to break the silence besides the screaming of his name. A white car catches my eye that I didn't realize was there. A woman huddles in the drivers seat with a blue cell phone to her ear. How long has she been there.

An ambulance stops four feet away from me. And I am blinded by red and blue before realizing I'm standing in the road: right in the spot he was taken from me. Two women jump out in black suits. One wraps a beige blanket around me as I drop to the floor. The weight of the world resting in my chest.

I grasp the road and cry for the first time in ten months. Gravel digs under my nails and mascara drips down my face. The paramedic with red hair squats next to me as the other one runs to check out the person in the car.

Her brown eyes stare right back at mine. The same shade of brown as his just a bit duller because I couldn't see the stars in them. "Sweetheart, we need to leave," she tells me. I breath deeply and nod. Every atom in my body screaming I can't leave him. "Please don't leave," a phrase I'm not sure I whisper to her, him, or me. She helps me to my feet but my knees give out. I collapse into black.

I awake to a bright white light that for a second has me swearing I've died and gone to heaven. But my eyes open to my mothers frantic face and I know I'm still alive. A knot forms in my stomach as I am over joyed to see her but something is still missing. I recognize the wrinkles I've caused her from stress and how I've aged her half a decade before her time.

I choke out his name and her face twists into a pained state. I almost think she doesn't understand me but she comes to my bedside and wraps her arms around me. I can't breathe but I don't say so because to be held by someone you love is so much better.

She plays with my golden hair and murmurs, "Oh, baby." A crystal tear falls from her eye. "Is that why you were back there on that road again? Where you looking for him?"

I nod and it all starts coming back to me in flashing memories.

He's driving me home in his red sports car as the silver rays of sun hit his hair just right. He smiling at the road but I know he's thinking of me.

Now we're arguing over some stupid little thing. The temperature of the car? Where we are? Where he's going. He's leaving for college soon. He's moving across the country and I hurt all over. So I fall back into my stubborn ways.

I scream at him to stop (the only speaking we've done to each other in hours) and that I'll call my dad to pick me up. He cuts short on the side of the road and my body hits the seatbelt with pain. I'm beyond pissed at him.

I unbuckle my seat as he storms into the middle of the road. "Come home with me, please." He begs me.

"I can't." I am stubborn and have already made up my mind. "Leave the middle of the road."

"I love you," he calls and it echoes over the vast emptiness of road and trees.

"I love you too." The adrenaline and anxiety mixes inside my bloodstream. "There are better ways to show that you love me than this. Like getting back in the car."

He continues to stand in the middle of the road, rolling the dice on his life. I don't know what he's waiting for. What does he want me to say?

The ground quakes below us and a roar follows her. I bite my lip and draw crimson blood. My senses are overwhelmed with the taste of salt, the smell of carbon, and the feeling of uncertainty.

Grey races around the corner. I reach for his hand in vain. His hand that run their fingers through my hair and lace their way into my heart. Hands that are connected to his arms that holds my pieces together when I'm falling apart. Arms that are connected to his chest that protect his beautiful scarlet heart. His heart that loves me. His heart that beats for him to live. I reached for him in vain.

The car gets closer. It's not grey; it's ebony black. I shriek and scream at him. I know most of my words are gibberish but his name is distinct and rings out above everything else. His eyes are closed and I know he doesn't see but cant he feel the car? Can't he hear the rumbling engine? Can't he hear me?

I want to close my eyes like him. Give it all away. But I watch in horror as he opens his eyes just as ebony collides with caramel. Ruby red splashes in every direction from where he was standing like rain hitting the roof. The color lands everywhere -my mind, my vision, on my hands; even the road. Everywhere I look has a permanent mist of red.

It takes me all but five seconds to find him. I will always find him. I count the distance between us. Thirty feet- there's glass shards going through my shoes into my feet (I didn't know this till later). Twenty feet- his chest visibly rises and falls (an EMT later told me he was dead the moment he chose to step on that road, I didn't know this till later). Ten feet- there's a sheik noise (it's my scream; I didn't know this till later). Zero feet- I had stopped breathing (I didn't know this till later).

I wrap my fingers around his left hand: still calloused and strong. My other hand pushes his bangs from his face. I lay my head across one of the only spaces on his chest unsheathed by glass or a thick sticky scarlet. These are the three things that always grounded me; reminds this is real: his beating heart, his strong grip on my hand, and his soft dark hair.

He chokes on my name as I try to tell him not to speak, and the EMT will be there soon. His eyes dull and I struggle to find the stars in them that once blinded me. "Come home with me," I beg. "I love you."

This was just ten months ago. Yet I still see him everyday: just not in the place I want him to be. I only ever see him in these nightmares and dreams.