Chapter 11: I Made Myself Numb

Parties have always been a force of habit rather than an activity I really found fun. I mean yes, I do enjoy going. I enjoy the excitement in the air- not the sexual kind, that just gets disgusting after seeing it- but the normal, adrialine rush, everyone is happy, hyped up, and that feeling gives me a high of sorts. I know it's weird but it's true. Not to mention, parties are a great way to forget everything and just be with all my peers.

But there is a reason parties are more a habit than absolute pleasure. I have to force myself, going though a mental war in my mind, to get dresses in party appropriate attire. To forget myself and everything in between, I have to chug down bottle after bottle, cup after cup of aweful tasting alcohol that will never give up burning my insides. I have to force myself to not puke when I see everyone I know having dry sex right were the entire school is. I have to remind myself that it's better this way.

But standing here tonight, in another one of Donovan's great party's, I can't help but sigh in disappointment for not getting wasted before coming over. I have had three mystery cups of alcohol and still nothing more than a slight buzz. The sight of half my class either puking or humping on each other makes me want to puke, but that would mean sacrificing the small buzz that I had.  And I was not ready to relinquish what little numbness I was feeling.

"Now, now, now, what is my favorite girl doing here sipping drinks all alone?" A husky voice whispers in my ear, placing his chin on my shoulder and gripping my hips, pulling be towards him.

I roll my eyes at him and his weirdness, he said almost the exact same thing at my party.

"Now, now, now, what is my favorite bad boy doing here holding a girl he knows he won't get to lay?" I ask him, continuing to stare off into the distance, not bothering to see his reaction, but hearing and feeling his chuckles tells me everything.

"Oh princess, I don't have to lay you, I've already done that so many times before." He chuckles and my cheeks instantly turn bright red, and I stand still. Anger, courses its way through my body. I can't believe he just said that.

"I've had better." I lie, in a voice barely above a whisper, and instantly I feel has grip on my hips tighten as he spins me around to face him.

The look on Will's face and murderous, his eyes narrowed, his jaw tightly clenched, his nostrals flared, and a blue looking vein popping out of the side of his neck. "What did you just say?" He growls out through his clenched teeth. He is going to chip a tooth.

I know I've hit a nerve, its all too clear. But why on earth would he care? He goes around with girls all the time. How is it fair that he can move on, and I can't?

Smirking I decide what to do. He wants to play, let's play.

"I said, I've had better." I say confidently, batting my eyes at him, as an inhuman sound comes from the back of his throat.

"You've been with other guys?" He asks me, his jaw still clenched but his voice strained. I nod, and shrug my shoulders as if it was no big deal, but in reality it is.

Sleeping with someone, having sex, hooking up, each time it's a big deal. It means something, well at least it should. And it does to me, well it did, but after a while it didn't. I mean it's just sex after all. A meaningless activity unless you're doing it with someone important.

He closes his eyes tightly, not letting me go. "Who?"

"I don't kiss and tell."

"How many?"

"Four."

And just like that he lets go of me. He retracts his hands from my waist as if I've burned him, and I know I have. I know I hurt him. And I'm okay with that, as much as it hurts him, it hurts me. He just doesn't see that.

"Four?" He asks, his face covered in pain, and I nod my head as I look away from him. It hurts to see him in so much pain. But in my defense it hurt me every time I saw him with another girl. It killed me when I passed him in the halls and saw him pressing another girl against the lockers. When he had his arm slanged around the shoulders of another girl as he whispers in her ear making her giggle and blush.

He hurt me so I made myself numb and hurt him.

Out of the corner of my eye I see him squeeze his eyes shut, breath in, then walk away. Leaving me alone to feel numb. I gulp down the cup in my hand, stare at the crowd in front of me. They were too busy to pay attention to me. No one say me with the tears making their way down my cheeks, so I quickly wiped them away, and made my way to the kitchen to get another cup.

When I get to the kitchen it's completely crowded, and I have to push my way through the mass of people to get to the drink area, and when I do I am completely stunned.

Not only do I see Cleo laying on the counter with James taking body shots off of her, I see Tony and Scarlett making out in the corner, and Will. My heart sinks when I see what him pressing a girl against the counter, caging her in with his arms, and leaning down kissing her.

I know what he's trying to do. He's trying to get me start a scene. To yell at him, to argue with him, to fall into his arms when I fall into hysterics. He cry on his shoulder when I break because of him. He is trying to force me back to him.

And I just won't let him do that to me. I hold back the tears burning the back of my eyes, and walk casually, well as casually as I could, to the table full of bottles, cups, lemons, and buckets of ice. I skip the cup and just grab a bottle, taking a swig, and forcing a smile on my face, and turn to face the crowded kitchen once again.

I see some eyes on me, including Will, and I just smirk and walk out. I will not let him get to me. I walk back into the living room pulling my phone out of my pocket, clicking on the one person I know will make all the pain go away, at least for now.

The phone rings a few times before a person picks up, confusion lacing his voice.

"Quinn? Why are you calling?" He asks, and I just shrug my shoulders, taking another swig from the bottle.

"Quinn?" Concern now replacing his confusion.

"Hey, can you pick me up?"

There's a pause at the other end and for a moment I'm afraid he'll say no, "Of course. Where are you?" And I hear him getting up, shuffling around his room.

"Donovan's party." I say, taking another swig of the drink, and I hear him sigh at the other end.

"I'll be right there, just stay where you are. I'll come in and get you."

I nod my head, then realize he can't see me, so I hiccup a quick 'yes' and hang up.

Shoving my phone back into my pocket, I decide to make the most of the little time I have left at the party, and I walk in the dancing crowd, and easily fit in. Dancing and sing with everyone else, like this was absolutely normal for all of us to get along so well. But that what a party does, it makes all of friends, no matter the group we sit with at lunch, or if we are popular or not. We all just have fun together.

I soon feel a warm hand on my shoulder, and look over to see him, looking down at me giving me a small smile.

"You came!" I scream joyfully, throwing my arms around his neck, and he chuckles, hugging me back.

"Of course I came Quinn," He whispers into my hair, and then pulls away making me pout, "Now, let's get you home. You've drank way too much." Leading me out of the crowd and into the open air.

He grabs my waist when I stumble, and pulls me close so I won't fall again as we walk over to his car. But as we are walking out of the corner of my eye, I see Will glaring at us as a girl kisses up and down his neck. I roll my eyes, and just continue walking in Nick's embrace.

After we get into the car, Nick looks at me, worry covering his face. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asks me softly. I close my eyes and lean my head against the window, shaking my head.

"Where to then?"

"I don't care. I just want to forget what I saw tonight." I tell him in a voice barely above a whisper.

"Okay," and with that he pulls his car away from the noisy house, and starts driving.

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