The door slammed shut and I gasped for air, trying my best to catch my breath. I've been holding it in the moment Ryan said goodnight, only because I was a second away from begging him to stay.

Run after him!

I dug my nails into my palms to stop myself from running after Ryan, but that didn't stop my feet from getting up and going to the door anyways. If he was still standing outside my door like I'd hope, I'll invite him back in, no questions asked.

My heart sank when I looked through the peephole.

He wasn't there.

Maybe his truck was still here? I opened my door, quickly grabbing a jacket to cover myself and ran down the hall to the window that overlooked the guest parking lot.

It was.

I ran to the elevator, pressing the down button, knowing full well this wouldn't bring it up any faster. The moment it did, I pressed for the main level wishing and praying that I wasn't too late.

I ran out into the lobby, not even caring that I was getting weird looks from a few stranglers as I ran into the parking lot.

"Ryan!"

But it was too late, his truck was gone.

Who am I kidding though? Why would he even stay in the first place? He just came over to make sure that I was okay, but I really wasn't. I'm not okay with seeing Ryan and Madison. I lied and said I wish I had that type of relationship with Erik, but I don't.

I want that with Ryan.

What Erik and I have now is nothing in comparable to what Ryan and Madison have. I've seen their friendship blossom into something more over the last year and I craved that. It just took me a hot second to realize that I crave that with Ryan.

It was true what I said that night I asked him to kiss me. I never thought of him like that until after he knocked me off my feet and claimed my heart as his. It wasn't until then that I realized he's the reason why I haven't been with any other men, why my relationships fail because those men never measure up to him.

Even now, Erik doesn't hold a flame even close enough to outshine Ryan and I'm afraid he never will.

I sighed, falling back into bed and reached for my phone. I wanted to text Ryan, but I knew I shouldn't. So instead, I just rolled over and dreamed about the man that will never be mine.

**

Ryan wasn't himself.

I watched him walk from his hauler with his head down, ignoring fans and anyone else who came up to him as he made his way to his car. It was the second practice here at Vegas and judging by the numbers from the first practice, whatever was on his mind transferred to how he's running on track.

I wish I could ask him what was going on and beg him to tell me like he did to me the other week, but I couldn't. I knew he wouldn't answer me. He always pulls away from everyone when something is bothering him.

Are you okay? You know I'm here if you need to talk.

I sent the text off as he climbed into his car, knowing he wasn't going to see it for a while.

Just going through some shit, I'll be fine.

I looked down at my phone to see his response and then back up to see him hand off his phone to his PR guy. I couldn't help but watch as Ryan back out of his stall and as he drove by where I sat outside of Erik's hauler, my heart gave way when he waved at me.

I really wish he would talk to me.

**

"So, a bunch of us were thinking about renting a beach house in Malibu, you up for that?" I looked up from the book I was reading as I laid on Erik's couch in his RV. He was sitting across the way playing some video game. I gave up on the fact that he's not one to snuggle like I hoped he was. I could really use some strong arms around me and that reassurance that I'm loved.

Like Ryan?

I tried not to think of him but my eyes went out the side window where his RV was parked across the way. Is he thinking of me right now like I'm thinking of him? Probably not.

"A week on the beach? Really? I don't have to fly home with the crew like I'm supposed to?" Erik shrug like it was no big deal and I really wish he would make it one.
"It's actually after the Fontana race before we head to Phoenix. So while you go home after the race tomorrow, you can make arrangements to work from Malibu for the week."
"Really?" Erik paused his game, got up from his seat and climbed on top of me.
"Really. I want you there with me and maybe we can spend more alone time together. " The implication of what he meant was not lost on me and I couldn't help but smile.

This was exactly what I've been wanting with Erik! More time alone to get to know him, and hopefully this is what we needed to solidify our relationship even more. We were still in the early stages and I felt like something was missing.

Or someone?

I rolled my eyes at the voice in my head. Now was not the time for that. Now was the time to focus on the man that was hovering over top of me.

"Alone time? I like that idea." I bit my lip, hoping he'd get the gist of what I was implying for this moment. It must have worked because he shifted so he was laying beside me and captured my lips in his.

Kissing Erik was different than kissing Ryan. Erik didn't know how to move his lips against mine in a way that had me putty in his hands, or the way his tongue darted into my mouth and then back out like he wasn't sure how to properly kiss a woman.

But with Ryan?

I sighed, wishing I was kissing him instead. He knew just when to deepen the kiss, or to let me take control until he pulled away and continued kissing my jawline. Kissing Ryan was electrifying and I felt it so deep within my soul.

Kissing Ryan was not comparable to Erik who was trying.

A small gasp left my lips when Erik's hand traveled down my side and to the front of my leggings. "Is this okay?" I shook my head yes as sudden desire shot through me, it wasn't a full on flame, but a small simmer that slowly build as Erik began to touch me.

This feels all wrong.

Erik's fingers were everywhere; my clit and then down to my entrance, never at one spot long enough to coax a moan out of me or even feel the pleasure in the deep pit of my stomach... and his fingernails.

I thanked my lucky stars the moment his phone started to ring. "That's your interview for MRN's podcast." I really hope he couldn't hear the plea in my voice for him to answer that because the way he was touching me was starting to hurt.
"Fuck, why now?" Erik withdrew his fingers from me, wiping them on his shirt and grabbed his phone. Nothing about this whole situation was erotic or special for me.

I hope he didn't notice I wasn't really wet for him.

I excused myself from his RV as he took the phone call, in desperate need of fresh air. The Las Vegas heat hit me like a brick but I welcomed it. I walked behind the RV and sat on a patch of grass, secretly wishing that I was in my own hotel room right now so I could get away.

Or with Ryan.

My heart broke when he flashed across my mind. We've barely talked since that night he came to my apartment. I wish I could have told him how I felt then, but I couldn't. I mean, how can I when he's looking at Madison with stars in his eyes?

And then he brought up my good luck kiss. Ugh. I should have never done that. It was a mistake on my part. Even though we just spent the early morning making out (!!) and then I had to go and do the one thing that gave my feelings away.

I just didn't know how to react to the part where he still felt the kiss on his cheek hours later. Does that mean my kisses mean something to him? That couldn't be the case, I'll mean nothing more to him besides being his friend.

I'm always just the friend.

"Danielle?" I cringed a little when Erik called out my name. Even though I hate my full name, only one person is allowed to call me that and I'm honestly tired of correcting Erik to call me Dani.

"Back here." Erik rounded the corner with a shy smile.
"Suarez just invited a bunch of us out on the town, you game?" Erik looked at me hopeful and I sighed. I was not in the mood to spend the night out in Vegas even though it would help me get my mind off of Ryan.
"I would love to, but I'm really not feeling well."
"Oh," I could hear the sadness in his voice and it made me feel awful for playing the sick card.
"You should go anyways. I know how much you've been looking forward to spending some time here. Just, limit yourself on the drinking. You do have a race tomorrow." I gave him a convincing smile as I stood up.
"You sure? I could stay in with you."
"And do what? Play video games as I lay on the couch. How boring." I took his hand in mine and gave him a squeeze. "I'll be fine. I'm just going to run to the infield store and grab some Ginger Ale."
"You promise it's okay."
"I promise." I pulled him in for a quick kiss for the reassurance and he sighed.
"You're too good to me, I hope you know that." I waited for my heart to do a little flip at his adoration, but it never came.

I'm afraid it never would.

**

I stared at the cursor on my phone as it blinked like a heartbeat, waiting for me to compose a new message to Ryan.

What would I say?

I opened Instagram again, watching Ryan's story. It was only a photo of a lone beer bottle with the chorus of "Lost in the Night" by Midland playing in the background.

Lost in the night

Oh darlin'

I was right there

Holdin' you tight

Oh baby

When the sun came up you whispered goodbye

Now you're lost in the night

Was this for me? Or was this for her? Because I know he's alone tonight so who is he missing?

The sad realization that Ryan never held me tightly during the night made me realize this wasn't for me. I shut my phone off as a wave of sadness came over me, I missed him so fucking much.

I really wish I knew back then when I told Ryan our kiss would mean nothing actually meant fucking everything to me. It just took me kissing him to realize that.

Fuck this.

I got up from the couch, threw on a hoodie and my flip flops and left Erik's RV. My heart rate sped up with every passing step as I made my way to Ryan's, but I needed to see him. It was like a calling that I couldn't ignore anymore.

By the time I got to his RV and rang his doorbell, the fleeting thought crossed my mind - wonder if he doesn't want to see me? Panic began to bubble up in the pit of my stomach but all of that faded when the door swung open.

Ryan stood at the top of his steps, staring at me as he waited for me to say why I was here. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I sighed, ran my hand through my hair to try to work out my nerves and tried speaking again. "Ryan, I -"

My words got cut off when his lips crashed into mine.

I melted into him, my hands immediately going to the back of his neck as his went to my hips to pull me closer. He moved against my lips in a way that had me opening up to him, my tongue seeking his out and moaning when I finally tasted that sweetness that was nothing but him and the beer he was drinking.

"Ryan," I said breaking the kiss, "someone might see us."
"I don't fucking care," his mouth was on my neck, my jawline and up to my ear. He licked the outer shell as he walked me backwards until I was shoved up against the motorhome parked besides his. "Let me taste you."

A shiver went down my spine when he whispered those words in my ear.

"I want my mouth on you." I held onto Ryan for dear life as he nudged my legs apart with his knee and put pressure on the one place that was beginning to ache for him.

All he had to do was say those words and I was wet for him, whereas Erik...

"Dani," Ryan moaned into my neck, breaking my trail of thought, "please." The desperation in his voice is what did it for me, truth be told, I've wanted this much longer that I'd like to admit.

It was my turn to kiss Ryan, pushing him back until we stumbled up the stairs and into his motorhome. I pulled off his shirt, dragging my nails down the front of his chest until I got to his hardness that was straining against his jeans.

"Only if I get to have a taste, too." A storm began to brew behind Ryan's eyes as a swirl of emotions went through them; want, need, lust and desire. Ryan closed his eyes and let out a sigh. When he opened them again, the force of this new emotion swirling in his blues knocked the breath out of me.

He's never looked at me like this before, but I didn't have time to process what it meant in this moment.

Ryan bent down, wrapping his arms around my lower back and picked me up, my legs automatically going around his waist as he walked us back to his bed. He sat me down gently on the edge and kissed me in a way that had my head spinning.

"You know, one taste won't be enough, right?"
"That's what I'm hoping for." I confessed and then Ryan got down on his knees.