So we returned to our hotel and I think we all were quite happy. Michael could have a shower finally, Cal was making a fun of me because I apparently looked like a stripper in his opinion, and Luke was just innocently staring at me while I was taking off my clothes. It wasn't very pleasant because I've always had problems with my body. You know, bad memories, bad experiences from my childhood.

So I rather laid in my bed and covered my whole body with a blanket. They were right, I was super tired. As soon as I found a comfortable position and got warm, my eyes closed and I was unable to open them again. I felt someone sat on the edge of bed, I supposed it was Luke. He placed his hand on my shoulder and whispered: "This is right, Ash. Have a nap, that's the best thing you can do. If you need anything, we'll be right here. Sweet dreams." I could feel his little smile that drove me crazy.

I fell asleep but I didn't sleep long time. I woke up into boys' quiet conversation. Conversation about me. I still got my eyes closed but I could hear every single word.

"That's possible but I don't know... I asked him yesterday and he said he didn't have any problems or so. It's weird. He's never been like this, something must have happened. But man, I am afraid for him" I heard Calum.

"Yeah, me too. I don't know why he is so scared to tell us. Oh god, we'd help him" Luke admitted.

Honestly, I was so grateful for them. They were the best friends I could ever dream of.

"Of course! I mean... if I could make him happy, truly happy! All he does is write sad songs when we have some time off. He hasn't shown me any of them yet. Oh, wait, wait, wait!" he whisper shouted. I tensely listened to him. "I saw him yesterday, he hid it right here."

I absolutely panicked. There was a love letter to Luke under my pillow. I know there wasn't mentioned his name but ocean blue eyes or something like that. And he wasn't stupid.

I already felt Calum's fingers slowly slipping under my pillow reaching for that piece of paper. I had no other choice than make a move. I turned around and started to squirm. Thanks god, he got scared and let my pillow be. I couldn't risk he is going to do that again. So I opened my eyes.

"Oh, you are awake!" Calum said, nervously smiling. I sleepily nodded. Then I turned my head and saw Luke. He was still sat on the same armchair. He widely smiled and asked protectively: "Are you feeling better?" I nodded again and my heart was still beating very fast from affection.

Moment after Michael entered the room. He looked so... different. I bet it was because of me and my secret.

"Mikey! Where have you been?"

"I've just played some games... uhm, can you... can you please leave us for a while, guys? I'd like to talk to Ash. You know..." he said.

"Why can't you tell us all?"

"Please, it's kind of our thing. I wanted to apologize and stuff. You can get some food, what do you think?" Michael suggested. Luke and Calum gave themselves a weird look but they left the room. I was quite happy that they didn't protest. Michael sat on the bed next to me and sighed. We sat in silence for a couple of seconds.

"Thank you for not telling them" I thanked him.

"No no no, I wouldn't do that, never. I just... can't believe it. Wasn't it a joke, was it?" he was making sure. I shook my head. How I wish that was a joke. "I-I don't really know what to say because I'm still quite shocked."

"It's okay, Mikey. I don't know what to say, too. It was never meant to be said. I didn't want anyone to know about it. But now it's out... you know it and you are probably scared of me because I am gay and... and I didn't want things to go like this. I'm so sorry" I felt my eyes got wetter. Michael pulled me into his arms and started to comfort me immediately. Finally, I didn't bother with the tears streaming down my face.

"What are you talking about? I have no reason to be scared of you, you fool. Love is love and no matter who you love. Whether it's a girl or a boy. It's still love Ash and love is fucking beautiful" he whispered. I hid my face in his chest and mumbled: "It's not as much beautiful as painful. It hurts so much."

"How long, Ash?"

"Two years" I sobbed.

"Oh shit" he let out. "How come that I was so blind? So fucking blind?! Two years! No. No no no. I don't believe you. You couldn't hide it this long" he looked at me with shocked face.

"Of course I could. And I did! Mikey... I-I don't know what to do." I've never been so desperate before. Ever.

"You should tell him. Definitely. You have nothing to lose" he advised me.

"Him."

"What?"

"I'd lose him. I can't tell him. I already tried to do it but I failed. I always fail. I've written him hundreds of letters but I threw them all away. I'd murder myself if he found them. Oh, I have to do something with this one" I reached for a piece of paper under my pillow. Michael took it immediately and started to read. I could see the tears in his eyes. Then he hugged me and said in shaky voice: "I can't even imagine how much you love him."