I couldn't help myself but I just had to take a pencil and paper and start writing a new letter for him. Letter which he will never be able to read because it will end up somewhere as always - in the bin, in the toilet or just under the bed. Anywhere. I just wanted to be sure he is never going to find it. Oh god, that would be my end.

It's been two years. Another day passed by and I feel that the love is stronger and stronger. And so the suffering. If you only knew... If you knew what I see in your ocean eyes. What you do to me whenever you smile.
You make me wanna die but also stand on the top of the building and scream 'I love life' at the same time. Is it even possible to love someone as much as I love you?

"What are you writing... again?" Calum asked as soon as he walked out of the bathroom.

"N-nothing" I quickly hid the letter under my pillow.

He turned the light off and laid next to me. I was still quite upset and I hoped he was going to fall asleep fast. But he suddenly started talking quietly: "Ash? What's going on? I noticed that you've been acting a bit weird recently. What's wrong, mate?" he asked protectively. I sighed and replied: "I'm just tired, Cal. It's okay."

Oh, how I wish I was only tired.

"It's not okay. Do you think I don't recognise when it's something wrong with you? C'mon, I know you for a while and I am saying you are not okay. What happened? Anything with the band? Or family? Or... or some hates on you? Tell me!" he pushed me.

"No! Nothing. Leave it."

"Ashton! You must tell me. Trust me, I will help you."

The only person who could help me is behind this fucking wall.

"Calm down, Calum. I was just writing a song, okay? A sad song" I added.

"You write sad songs quite often, don't you think?" I couldn't see his face in the dark but I felt his smirk. I was getting sick of it. No one knew, no one knows and no one will ever know about my secret. No one. Even my best friend.

"And what? I was feeling like it."

"Show me the song you wrote" he said immediately and I gasped. Well...

"No! I mean... it's shitty, I can't show you. N-not tonight."

"Shitty? Please! You and shitty texts? You are the best songwriter of the band, so shut the fuck up! Just show me!" he argued.

"It's not done yet! And now go to sleep... you need it" I ended it.

"Argh. Alright! I hate you" he mumbled. But a second later, he locked me in his arms and found a comfortable position on me. It wouldn't be Calum if he didn't do anything like this. He was cuddly as fuck. "I am sorry, I love you." He said just before he fell asleep.

I rubbed his back and sighed. I stayed alone with my thoughts of Luke, that one person who could make me happy and sad at the same time.