I looked at a book that was on the coffee table in front of me. "How to get away with murder." I read the cover out loud as I picked up the book and flipped through a few pages. "Sounds lovely. I think more murders need to read this before they do what they do." I said sarcastically and put the book on the table again.

I did not care to know how to get away with murder. For some people, it was not in their nature to kill. For me, the thought made me sick. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, I pulled it out expecting a text from Sherlock but instead it was Mycroft. He was demanded my presents to talk about the case. I didn't even know he had my number. So much for being free here in London. I don't think I would ever be free from Mycroft.

With a frown I felt my stomach growled, I didn't realize I was hungry until this point. I had been waiting for Sherlock to get back from the hospital for the past two hours now. It was almost completely dark and I didn't know when he was coming back. I got up from the chair I was sitting at and walked into the kitchen. We had leftovers from last night but I didn't feel like eating that. The food was good but the memories from dinner last night was nothing I wanted to relive. All I really wanted was some juice that I hadn't had since in Ukraine.

"I got the good stuff right here!" Ivan called out to me from his flat.

I looked back at him as he entered through the front door with bags in his hands. I rolled my eyes at him then went back to typing on the computer. Did Russians ever stop drinking? "I'm working, I don't drink." I called out to him but he walked in with a box of juice instead of something stronger.

"No, this is the best. I can't find anywhere else in world that makes juice like this," he said and smiled at me as he put the carton of juice in front of me on the table I was sitting at. I looked at the box quickly, freezing my thoughts in mid type. At least it was juice, last time he offered Vodka and took a hard time accepting no as an answer. This on the other hand, I would like. The writing on the box was in Ukrainian and had a picture of fresh berries. "Marina knows me well to ship this out to me." He dug around in his cupboard for two glasses and put them next to the juice.

"Ok so let's get started shall we," I said and turned back to my computer. It had been a long day and I just wanted to finish this so I could go back to my place and sleep for as much as I could. In the last three days I have gotten a total of 8 hours and it was starting to wear on me.

"With the hacking? Of course. Highlight of my day." He sat down next to me at the table. I looked at this brown-haired man and smiled slightly. He seemed so rude when I first met him but as I got to know him I figured out that was all a front. He needed to seem like a jerk to get the information he wanted. Working with him more, we realized that we were all on the same team, we just had different ways of working about it.

"I want to get takeout tonight," Sherlock said from behind me.

I turned to face him, trying to pretend that I knew he was in the flat the whole time. I didn't even hear him come in. How did I not notice that? "Did you find out what you needed?" 

"We just arrested her. Want to go for some takeout?"

I nodded. "Sounds perfect." I walked over to my coat and shoes and slipped them on. Then I followed Sherlock out the door and down the road to a Chinese takeout place we had often visited in the past. I took as seat as Sherlock went and ordered. Before long he came to my table with takeout in hand.

I smiled as I took the boxes out of the bag and laid them out on the table. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," I said as I broke apart my chopsticks. I looked at the silent Sherlock with a frown as I started to dig in to the noodles I ordered. Sherlock had been so quiet since I had come back and it was kind of worrisome. I knew I had to be on his mind on his mind but I couldn't read it.

"What really happened in Russia?" Sherlock said after a few minutes.

"Nothing happened in Russia," I said a little too quickly to him as I shook my head. I took a bit of food to fill my mouth so I wouldn't be able to talk. This was what he had been thinking about.

"I know that my brother made you go but why. What did he say to you to make you go? What is in Russia?"

I looked at my food. I suddenly felt uneasy to my stomach. I didn't feel like talking about this, at a takeout place out of all places. I took a bite of food and forced it down to act like I wasn't bothered by his question. Mycroft suggested and I agreed that Sherlock didn't need to know why I was there. Telling him too much would open a can or worms that Mycroft didn't want his brother in. But I could give a little information, at least that would shut him up for a little because he seemed to know nothing. "It was for the group that Zane owned money to. They are working out of Russia at this current moment and my goal was to find out who they were."

"What did you find out? What happened to you there?"

I frowned at him. He just wanted to corner me at a public place and ask me questions. This was all his plan to take me here. He wanted to know the hard questions and he was leaving me with no where to hide. I shook my head. I was not about to go into the details of what I had to live with for the past four months. "Look if you wanted to integrate me you should have done it back at the flat," I said, unable to hold my emotions at bay.

He frowned at me, as if not expecting me to act like this. "I'm trying understand what happened and why it happened. My brother doesn't tell me anything. And you stopped telling me things. Not a single text I got from you while you were gone. You know how closed out I feel? I thought we had better communication. I thought we were partners." He didn't sound like Sherlock in this moment. What happened to him not caring? I wanted that back right now.

I rolled my eyes as I tried to lighten the mood. Since when did we ever have good communication? Before I knew what I was saying, it already came out of my mouth. "Oh yeah, and you're one to speak. You somehow forgot to mention that you killed that man you were investigating during Christmas. Do you want to talk about that? Huh?"

He looked out the window and watched the cars pass by without saying anything. I hit a nerve. He didn't want to talk about that either.

I stood up from my seat. I wasn't entitled to say anything to him. Anger getting the best of me, I spoke without thinking again. "I went to Russia because if I didn't go you would be in prison. You took a risk by taking me in over a year ago from prison and I thought it was my turn to watch out for you. But I guess we're back were we started, without telling each other anything." I sighed at him with a frown, feeling hurt that we seemed to be back where we started. "I'm done with this conversation. I'll be back at the flat late tonight. Don't try to find me." With that I took my Chinese food and walked out into the cold spring night.

I walked down the road at a fast pace to clear my mind. I was mad, no that was an understatement. I was pissed and I couldn't completely understand why. That made me even more frustrated. I didn't want to talk about what happened in Russia or Ukraine. Mycroft wanted to keep it under wraps and for the first time, I listened to him about this. It did help that I saw so much and went through so much that I just didn't want to bring it back up again. I was still working on burring that stuff deep into my mind.  If I started to talk about it again it would just resurface horrors that I didn't want to remember.

I soon found myself by the river and thought about the day I threw myself over the rail into the dark depths of the water. It felt like so long ago. That stupid treasure changed my life and the pain out weighed the good. That treasure was going to keep we wealthy forever but because of that case, I was now head deep into something bigger. I felt overwhelmed. I shouldn't have tried to beat Zane to the treasure. I should have just let him have it. It would have been safer that way.

While I was in Russia, all I wanted to do was get back to London but now that I was here, I realized that this was all Mycroft's plan. I was not free from him. He still wanted me to slave away for him here.

I didn't know what to start at. I needed to talk to Zane. I needed to talk to some Russian Bankers that Ivan told me about way back when. I needed to find out more information about Ukraine and what was happening there. I picked up a rock and chucked it into the water. I left too soon. Doing things here was going to be harder than I thought it would be.  

"They are planning something big. Ukraine is the distraction. I found these today," Marina said over a campfire and handed me blueprints of weapons with other notes. I looked through them as she said, "they are using Russia to get what they want."

It looked like this group was getting money from Russia because they were the ones supplying weapons. There was also a note that talked about a meeting that was happening tomorrow in the same city we were at. "Do you know where they are going to start?"

"I know it's going to be in a place with lots of people." She said and took a drink out of a flask. She offered it to me. I looked at it and shook my head as I looked at my still shaking hands from today. I felt light headed as I relived the moment on repeat in my mind. For the first time, I killed someone. He was defenseless and I looked at him straight in the eye and pulled the trigger. He could have had a family but in that moment I didn't care because he killed one of my friends. He didn't deserve what I gave him. I had no right taking life away from him. I wasn't God but yet I did it. "It takes the edge off."

I shook my head again. "I rather not." I wanted to keep alert just in case something happened. After all we were in the war front still.

She put the flask back into her pocket. "Are you going to the meeting tomorrow? It's on enemy lines but I can get you there."

"I would like to go." 

She nodded at me. "Ok I will get that sorted out."

There was a minute of silence as I listened to owls hoot in the night. In the distance I heard someone singing but for the most part it was quiet. The fighting had stopped until tomorrow. I rubbed my head, trying to fight off a killer head ache that was coming on.

I looked at my hand and saw a mixture of dried blood that wasn't mine and dirt. I was filthy. I knew that the scars from here were never going to leave me. This all was a nightmare. I wanted to run away and never return. But I knew I had to stay. Mycroft was making me stay here because I was getting so much information here.

"How long are you going to stay here? Like here as in Ukraine and Russia?"

"As long as they need me too." They referring to Mycroft. I never told her who I really worked for, I just referred them to as 'they'.

"How long do you want to stay?"

I frowned at her. "I don't."

I took a deep breath and looked out into the river. It was freezing here in London under the night sky. A part of me felt like I was still in Russia and Ukraine. At times I wanted to leave there so badly but now I was here in London, I didn't feel content. 

I felt guilty for that I did in Ukraine in the war, I felt sad for the people that were still there, and I felt angry that I was here, safe and so many people were still out there dying for an unjust war. I could just end it all right now, all I had to do was jump. I looked into the water again. I could do it now and this could be over. I wouldn't have to deal with all these emotions. I wouldn't have to report to anyone or do anymore missions, I would finally be free.

My hands gripped the rail so tight that my knuckles turned white. I looked into the water and took a breath. 'It would be easy, come on do it' the voice in my head said to me.

But I would leave Sherlock to clean up this mess and who knows what Mycroft would make him do. I would leave behind Kale to fight this mess on his own. I looked at the ground that my feet were standing on and then back at the water.

I shook my head to clear it. I couldn't do this, it would be so selfish. I couldn't leave them to do the things I was supposed to do. I took my hands off the rail and turned on my heals to stop looking at the water. I wasn't a quitter, that's what Kale told me. People needed me and honestly I needed them. I smoothed out my shirt and then whipped my eyes of the tears that were threatening to spill over.

I needed to go back home before I changed my mind.