Look out for the <>

I looked at the crowd dressed in black that was sitting in front of me. My hands were shaking although my eyes were dry. I felt like I cried everything out and I couldn't cry anymore. I felt empty and raw but nerves still told hold of me. I hadn't slept in days, I hadn't do much of anything in days. I felt like a yellowed leaf, barely hanging onto the tree in the fall.

I was supposed to talk to these people in front of me but I was frozen. They expected me to say something beautiful but when I opened my mouth but no sounds came. I then looked at my black dress and smoothed it out as I tried to keep myself together. Loosing him was already too painful and now I had to do this...

I gave a nervous chuckle. I looked at my paper that I wrote, and even though these words were premade, I couldn't bring myself to say them. Once I said these words, Kale would be forever dead. I couldn't take back these words.

<>

I couldn't do this. I had to leave but Sherlock came right beside me. He picked up my paper with my writing on it and skimmed over it. Finally, in his deep voice he started to read, "I am a crappy writer and I'm no good with words, but I will try to do him justice. Kale was strong. He was companionate. He always there when you needed him and I loved that about him. Kale was a good person, he made me want to be a better person. Some people say he was a thief but the only thing that he stole was my heart. What happened was not fair or even justified. Kale didn't die because of a mistake that he made or a rash decision. He died on his own terms, protecting his loved ones. And even though it was short, he lived a full life. His memory will not fade, it will be like a fire in the night, always burning. This is for you Kale. I love you and I always will. Rest in peace."

Sherlock sighed and in silence handed me back the paper then went back to sit down. I saw a few people shedding tears but nothing came to my eyes. I was marble. My insides were screaming denying that this was truth, but as I looked at the closed casket, I knew that this was goodbye. 

I watched as a few men lowered the coffin into the tomb and start to bury it in. Everything seemed to go slowly as I sat and watched them cover it until they left themselves.

"I'm sorry," John said from right beside me.

I looked at him dressed in all black and realized that everyone had left except him and Sherlock. Sherlock wasn't nearby, he was standing by a tree a bit away. He probably didn't want to deal with me, like this. I was a mess. Kale was the last straw, I was a shattered vase, too broken to piece back together. No one knew what to say to me or how to handle me. Even John had kept his distance and he was always looking for reasons to leave. 

"Yeah, me too," I said and got up from me seat and walked away from John. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was done, with all of this.

What did I do to make the universe hate me so much. I have seen so many people die. Just when I thought I had everything I ever wanted, it was always taken away? I sat down by his tomb and rubbed my hand over the cold marble grave marker.

"I miss you, Kale." I think I sat there for a while because when Sherlock came back to me it was almost dark.

"Do you want to go home?" he asked as he stood over my with an umbrella. I looked up, I didn't realize it was raining.

I looked up at him for the first time today, I mean, really looked at him. His hair had been styled, I think he even put on cologne. He looked presentable for once in his life. "I would like to go alone."

He frowned. "I don't think that is a good idea."

I frowned back at him. I suddenly snapped, all the anger and grief just hit me like a brick wall. I was furious with him for no reason at all. He was just in the wrong time at the wrong place. "Oh yeah! You think so?! You still can't trust me alone can you? Still think I'll jump off that ledge if no one is around? News flash, I can still do it if people are around. I think about that often. If I really wanted to end it, I could, easily and there would be no way for you to stop it. But I haven't, I'm still here. I'm still breathing," I snapped at him as I stood up from the ground.

He frowned at me again but this was a different frown. It was as if he was thinking about what I just told him and he was curious. "Then why have you not jumped off that ledge?"

I sighed at him. I couldn't really answer that question myself. I have been thinking the same thing and I couldn't give a solid answer. "I don't know."

There was a minute of silence and then Sherlock spoke up saying, "I am just concerned about you," he mumbled the last part as if he wanted to take it back as soon as he said it.

I was about to say something that I probably would have regretted but a young girl walked up to us. She was maybe the same age as me, dressed in black. Her face was hard but her hands were shaking. She was nervous. Without saying anything she handed Sherlock a paper and walked off again.

This was right out of Zane's book. But Zane dead. I watched Sherlock open and read it. Finally Sherlock spoke out saying, "Moriarty sends his condolences." He made a face of anger or frustration then ripped up the paper into little bits then tossed it to the ground. He was getting underneath Sherlocks skin just like Zane did. "I promise you Rori, we will give him justice. You have my word."

I had nothing to say to that. I didn't know what to say. Thank you? No, I couldn't say that, that was too simple. It had been a long day and all my emotions were gone. I didn't want to think anymore or talk anymore. Instead I turned on my heels and left him alone. I was going home alone and he couldn't stop me.

I walked in a straight line down a random street. My feet were killing me from the heels I was wearing but I took them off long time ago. Now my feet were numb from the cold sidewalk I was walking on but I didn't care. It was the only feeling I had right now. I heard a rock skip across the sidewalk behind me but I didn't look back. I knew someone was following me for a few blocks now but I didn't care to look back to see who it was. If they wanted to kill me they would have done it already. 

I walked into a deserted ally and stopped. I turned on my heels to see who was following me but when I turned completely around I saw no one. "Show yourself." I shouted to the empty road. I waited for a minute but nothing came out. I knew I was going crazy but a part of me wanted Kale to be there.

<><><><>

I couldn't believe that just a mere week ago Kale and I were spending the days keeping each other entertained. To think that I wanted to give up everything to be with him. I was going to do it too. But now I wasn't going to go that. Without him, I knew I would be forever alone. He was the on person that knew me exactly. He was my other half. Without him here half of my heart was gone and sometimes it feel like it wasn't worth leaving this life. Without him I would be to alone, always thinking of what could have been.

Sherlock sat in his chair, looking comfortable. He looked at me from head to toe; I could tell he was thinking about me. He cleared his throat then said, "I'm never good at this but if you want to talk, I can listen."

I felt my mouth slightly fall as tears welled up into my eyes. For many reasons this meant a lot to me. Sherlock never wanted to talk about anything let along feelings. For him to care enough about me to listen to my ramblings, knocked my speechless. For days I thought he was keeping his distance because he couldn't deal with the emotional me, but maybe I was wrong.

I never wanted to talk about my feelings in the past but I felt like if I didn't say something I was going to explode. I pinched my lips together and then said, "I think the universe hates me. Every time I get something I feel strongly about it seems to get away from me." I picked up a book on the ground and resisted the urge to throw it at the wall, instead I put it on the couch. "I loved him Sherlock. I honestly loved him. I was going to give this all up for him, to have a life with him." my eyes filled up with tears even more but I didn't shed any of them.

Sherlock looked at me but didn't say anything for a few seconds. I could tell he was really thinking hard about what he was going to say. "Some things happen for a reason."

I shook my head at him. There was no reason for this to happen. Now I had lost almost everyone I ever cared about. "I'm going to kill him, I am going to do it Sherlock. He ruined the only thing I cared so strongly about," I said as I started to pace around the room.

"So you are saying you do not care strongly about this?" he asked and looked around the room. He was referring to the life we built together. The work that we do together.

We did a lot, we made a lot and I did feel strongly about my life with Sherlock. I shut my mouth. I did. I loved this work and working with Sherlock. I trusted him and John with my life. But I loved Kale more. Did I? I wanted to say yes. That should be the answer. "I want him back," I mumbled then turned on my heels and walked into my bed room.