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I paced around the family room of the flat with a paper and pen in my hand. "I don't know what to say. 'you left me alone Kale and I'll never get over that'? No, that is not going to work. I need something better but that is all I think about saying. I can't think of anything else," I said to John a few days later. Sherlock was gone doing who knows what but he believed that I couldn't be trusted alone so he sent John to be here to babysit. And honestly, I couldn't blame him because if I was left alone grief would wrack through me and I think I could end it. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of kill Moriarty and that was barely enough motivation at this moment.

I was supposed to be writing something for Kale's funeral but nothing was coming to me. I needed to write something by tomorrow and I still had a blank sheet of paper in my hands. I have been thinking all day and night for a few days and nothing came. Kale deserved some kind of amazing speech but I could not think of anything of importance to say.

Honestly, I didn't want to write anything for him. It was too hard for me. All those memories that we had, and I knew we were never going to make more. I spent most of my nights crying, and in the day, I didn't eat anything, I was never hungry. I knew I was wasting away but I didn't care. After everything I have been through, I feel like I lost the will to go farther. I was too damaged, too hurt to even think about going on with my life. I knew Sherlock could see it and even John could but they didn't know what to do to help me. I didn't know how to help myself either. It had been five days since Kale died and I still couldn't wrap my head around that he wasn't coming back. I knew my fairy tale was too good to be true. Every time I got close to something that I loved it was always taken away from me.

"Write what's in your heart," John said to me as he check his phone.

I stopped in mid pace and frowned. I wanted to scream at him. My heart had been ripped out and thrown to the dogs. I couldn't write from that which wasn't there. "Is babysitting me almost over?"

"I'm not babysitting you. I want to be here," John replied honestly from the book he was reading.

I rolled my eyes at him. I knew that was a lie. He had other, better things to do then to be here with me. "Mmm.... Yeah, ok sure. I know Sherlock asked you to come here. He thinks I'm not stable."

John put down his book and looked at me. "Do you think that?"

I paused to think about it. I knew I wasn't stable, but saying it out loud made it feel so real.  "Yes. I do." 

There was a minute of silence as John was taken aback by my truthful answer. I would never tell the truth about something like this but right now, I just didn't care. I didn't care if they knew I was suicidal, because when it came down to it, they wouldn't be able to stop me. I could tell he was trying to think of something to say. John stood up from his chair and sighed. "This is not helpful for anyone. You need to get out. And honestly I think I do too."

"where do you want to go?"

"Let's shoot some things at the range. Sherlock won't be back for a while longer. We have time. You in?"

"Yes." I put the paper down on the dinner table. Right now I was looking for any excuse to leave this flat and my responsibility to write even if that meant shooting.

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I gripped my hand around the gun so tightly that my knuckles turned white. The last time I held a gun was when I was in Ukraine. The memories from that came flooding back to me as I remembered the first time I held a large gun, how to aim it, how I killed my first person. Guns brought such destruction but I also remembered how powerful I felt when I held one. With this in my hand, I was on top of the world, like no one could hurt me. 

"Rori, are you ok?" John asked me with concern on his face.

I looked at him and loosened the grip I had on my gun. For a few days my response to this question has been a lie. I told it so well that I was starting to believe this lie myself. "Yeah, I'm ok."

John nodded at me, taking my response as the truth. "Ok let's get started."

I held the gun up and aimed straight for the center of the target. I pulled the trigger and felt the gun recoil in my hands.

"So you do not know how to shoot this kind of gun?" Marina asked as she held some kind of big gun in her hands.

I shook my head at her as I looked at the beast. "I don't like guns." I took a step away from her. I wanted to completely separate myself from that death machine. Up until this point I had avoided guns completely. I knew that wasn't safe for me but I didn't want the ability to pick who lives and dies. That was not my job. But now it was starting to look like I needed to use guns. It wasn't safe for me anymore to be running through these woods without some kind of weapon. But I didn't want to use them. I didn't want to kill people. But I didn't have a choice.

"How are you going to protect yourself if someone comes up to you with a gun, hu? You can't talk them down like you normally do, not about this. This is war, people don't use their minds here, and you've seen that. You can't get out of it with your hands clean," she said and shoved the gun at me.

I took it and looked at it like it was some kind of nasty thing that I wanted no part with. It was a big gun and the cold metal felt heavy in my hands. I felt intimidated by it. "I don't like it." 

She rolled her eyes at me. "And I don't like being here. But sometimes we have to do things we don't like." She sighed and took a seat on a stump. She looked at her chipped nail polish and frowned. "Look, do you want to leave as soon as you can?"

I nodded at her. That was a no brainer. "Yes."

"This is your way out. You learn how to use one of these and they will notice you. They will think you are important. You will move up ranks and soon you will be out of here doing other work in Russia with Ivan." She said and stood up from her seat. She nodded to herself like trying to convincer herself of her words. "This is a good plan. You can leave the fighting for others. But first you need to learn how to shoot one. The right way."

I made a face at her and then tried to hold the gun how I thought it was supposed to be held. I knew as much as I hated it, this was probably my best bet to protect myself and move myself up in the ranks. As much as I hated the fact, I knew I had to use one if I wanted to get out of here alive. "Ok. But this is not my first option if I get caught."

"Well I hope not. You're holding it wrong," Marina chuckled at me. She moved my body in such a way that felt foreign to me. "This is how you hold it. And look through the scope."

On command I looked through the scope. Through it I could see the thick woods in front of me.

"See that stump about 30 yards away? I want you to try to aim for that. And make sure the safety is off," she said and flicked the safety off the gun.

I took a deep breath in and let it out as I pulled the trigger.

"Rori, did you hear me?" John's voice rang out.

I looked at him. I didn't even realize he was talking to me. I looked around and found myself at the range in London. "What?"

"I just said that you ran out of bullets. Do you want to get your target?" he asked me

I nodded at him stiffly, feeling slightly confused what had just happened. "Um, sure."

We walked behind the range and picked up our papers. Out of the 10 rounds I fired almost all of them were in the center two rings. "You have improved from the last time I took you here. I'm impressed."

I shrugged at him. I wasn't impressed. In Ukraine, I got so good at using one of these things, there I could have done much better. I was starting to lose my touch since being back in London. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I didn't want to forget some of the skills I learned there but then again I did want to forget the, because that meant that would be as if those things never happened. "I'm ready to go."

So There you go! another chapter to add to the story. Rori is a little down on herself. But I feel like this side of her has never really come out fully and I'm trying to make her grow.

well first off I would love to know what you think, do you like the change so far? 

Hope you have a great week!

DarlaH