Look out for the <>!

"But how is that possible?" I asked Kale as we finished cooking dinner together.

"It's possible to live off of juice and beef for a month. I'm living proof of that," he said and chuckled as he cook some veggies.

"This is why you shouldn't be trusted alone," I laughed. This was just what I wanted for a while and now it just seemed too perfect. I had everything I wanted and I was happy. I wasn't thinking about the case or how much of a failure I was. As much as I wanted to treasure this, I knew that this prefect scene could be taken from me as soon as it came into my life.

Kale seeing my frown grabbed my hands. "What?"

"All of this. I wanted this for such a long time. It's like a dream. I feel like this will soon escape from my grasps like always."

"I know what you mean." He took the vegetables off the stove to stop them from burning and wrapped me in his arms. "This doesn't seem real to me either," He said into my neck, sending goose bumps up my arms. He hadn't held me like this since I got out of prison. He kissed my neck and I smiled. I didn't know how much I had missed this.

As the kissing got more heated, I got wrapped up in the moment. Kale started to take off his shirt and I started to help him but he stopped when he got to the last button. He pulled back. He looked at the ground and then quickly started to button his shirt again but not before I saw a scar that was at least five inches long across his chest.

I got a fair number of scars being in Russia but this one looked worse than mine. "Where did you get that?" I asked as I put my hand on his bare chest and lightly rubbed my fingers over his newly scared flesh. He couldn't have had this that long because it still had a light pink color to it.

 "Nowhere," he said and turned his back towards me as he buttoned the rest of his shirt.

 I was extremely frustrated with him. Once again, he was pushing me away with the half truths. It was killing me. I wanted him to tell me all of it but for some reason he was holding back. "They found you while you were in Russia still. Didn't they?"

He looked out the kitchen window as if he saw something but when he turned to face me with pain clear across his face. He stared at me in silence. I knew I was right. He didn't want to talk about these painful memories but I wanted to know what happened. What did they do to him while he was there?

"How long did they have you there for?"

He didn't say anything thing for a minute. He bit his lip as he tapped his foot trying to recover from his loss of control from his emotions. I could tell he was struggling in what to tell me or if to tell me anything at all. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"They had me for a little more than two weeks. Mycroft told me they would send for people to get me within 72 hours if I got caught but after a week, I knew he wasn't going to save me. I had to get myself out of the mess. I killed numerous people to get out of there Aurora, I'm a killer. These men I killed had lives and families, I took it away from them. and Honestly for my interrogator, I looked him right in the eye and made him suffer as I killed him and I enjoyed it. That's what scares me the most," he said as he rubbed his hands.

All the anger I felt melted away instantly, mad for being mad at him. I should have known he was scared like me. Mycroft made us turn both into monsters. I grabbed his hands and looked him straight in the eyes then said with confidence, "we have both done things that we are not proud of. Russia didn't only change you. Just like me, you did what you had to do to get out alive." I then pulled him into a hug. I don't think I had ever seen him so weak before. He always had a tough face on but it was all gone tonight.

<>

 "I'm afraid I'm going to turn into my brother," he whispered into my ear.

 I hugged him tight. I remember interrogating a man that killed Marina, Ivan had to pull me off him to stop me from killing him. I was making him suffer to death and Ivan saw that. Everyone had a little bit of a monster in them, just some had more than others and some enjoyed it more than others. "You will never be the monster your brother was."

"How do you know that? I could snap one of these days and kill without thinking anything of it. I'm worried that is going to be me at some point."

I wanted to comfort him, I wanted to make he feel like it was ok but I knew that there were no real words that would take his fear completely away. "That's not you. I know you Kale, you would never do what your brother has done. I know that for a fact. Your brother was always the monster from the start, never you." 

He hugged me tighter then ever. After a while I felt his body relax into mine as he started to calm down. He was making me feel calm as well, like we were working together, as a team. 

He pulled out of the hug and I gave him a small smile as if to make sure he was ok. He returned it then frowned too quickly. "Their faces still haunt me at night." 

I knew what that felt like, how helpless you feel as you try to push those thoughts to the back of your mind but they don't seem to leave. "I went to the war front in Ukraine, I saw some things and did things that I can't get out of my mind. I just want them to leave but I can't seem to get them out. I know how that feels." I never liked talking about these things and when I did I felt so awkward about it.

"I guess Russia changed us a lot in more ways than one."

"I guess so," I shrugged trying to make it sound like it was not that big of a deal but in reality, I longed for my old self back.

The rest of the evening was somber. After dinner I found myself sitting on the floor looking at the ceiling waiting for time to pass. I didn't know how to bring up what was on my mind. I had questions but I knew it bothered him to share and I didn't want to push. I wanted him to come to me when he was ready, but it was so hard to wait for that.  

Finally after what felt like hours of silence, Kale spoke up. "Well I'm heading to bed, I want the couch tonight though," Kale said as he walked into the family room.

I pushed myself into a sitting position and looked at him with a frown. He had a calm face but I could tell his mind was somewhere far from here. He wanted to be far from me. I shook my head. Maybe being together was not so smart. Distance was probably better for us. "No, you get my bed again."

"No, it's my turn for the couch," he said and sat down on the couch. He looked at me and gave a small smile as if there was nothing I could do to make him move. It frustrated me but in a good way. If that even made sense. It was enough to make me roll my eyes and give a small laugh. He was trying to be light hearted again. Maybe he wasn't in such a bad mood as I thought.

"I can't say anything to get you to move?" 

"Nope."

"Fine. Be that way," I said and smiled as I got up from the floor. "Night." Just as I was about to close the door I stopped and turned to him again. "This bed is big enough for two, you can join if you want, it's better than the couch. Then we don't have to keep trading spots." I wanted to give him one more chance to be close to me, and if he rejected this, then distance was truly our best friend.

He looked at me then the couch as if thinking about it then smiled. "That sounds perfect."

I went into my room and changed into an oversized sweater. I pulled the covers back and laid down and waited for him to follow. It had been a long day and I was so tired. I was ready to sleep. Within minutes Kale came in with a small smile on his face.

"What?" I asked with a smile. I thought about the store, and the way he kissed me, and other things involving him. I wanted him to not hold back and kiss me until everything else seemed to melt way. I wanted to stay into his arms, but I wasn't sure if he wanted the same just yet. 

"You're red. What were you thinking about?"

I looked at the sheets quickly. "Nothing."

"Ah hu," he said and laid down next to me.

I looked up at him then laid my head on his chest.  For some reason this just felt so right to me. Even though we were both damaged and he drove me crazy, I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. He was my person and I hoped that he saw me the same way.