"For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.  I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." --Psalm 139:13‭-‬14 (KJV)

β

Ever since their Sunday lunch/dinner, which was just some days ago, Fola had been feeling uneasy, gripped by fear. She was seated on the lone chair in her room facing the window after a gruelling day at work. She had been doing her best not to focus on the possibility that Godswill may have heard of her escapades in school by working for longer hours. For the past few days, she had been coming home too tired and worn out to think about anything but food and sleep. It was just the third day and she was exhausted mentally. And it seemed her strategy wasn't working anymore. Her mind was on high alert and getting bombarded by memories she didn't even know she could remember. She had never thought of the possibility that she'd meet someone with ties to her past. The past she had been trying to run away from. The past she didn't want to think about.

Fola stood from her chair where she had been picking on her late dinner, and moved to her bed to lie down.

Yes, she was saved and she believed with everything she had that she was healed from all the pain and hurt from the past but she couldn't help the niggling feeling she had that made her seem so guilty and diffident. It even seemed that the harder she tried in her strength to let go of those feelings, the harder the sense of unworthiness settled over her like a heavy cloak — too heavy to carry, too heavy to put off.

It seems I forgot for a moment who I am.

You're my child. That's who you are.

Fola sniffled. I'm your child? But I don't feel like it.

You're not ruled by your feelings. You're ruled by my Spirit in you.

Lord, my heart knows it but… But my head doesn't seem to understand it.

You can't walk with me via your head. Your head may never comprehend this. Your heart, spirit knows it because that's where My truth finds its most expression.

Father, help me.

Fola had not finished mumbling for help when a deep sleep overtook her. She couldn't even fight it so she let herself be carried away and closed her eyes.

******

Godswill knew something was wrong. He just didn't know what. Within the past few days, he had tried to speak with Fola but she wouldn't tell him what was wrong. She didn't avoid him this time but she wasn't also her usual self. Not even sending food to her at work produced any difference. Each time he called and she picked up, her voice was on the verge of sounding lifeless. Everyone, including Vwede, didn't know what was wrong either.

So, at first he prayed for her, asking God to help her. Some weeks after he had begun praying for her, he didn't see any difference. In fact, to him, it was like she had withdrawn further into her shell. The shell he thought she had cast off, at least with him and the others. The funniest thing to him was that she seemed freer with the others now than with him.

Just like now.

The four of them had decided to have a Bible study, at least once a month as much as their work could allow them. They were gathered at Vwede's this time, largely because Fola had insisted on her place without giving any particular reason. And all through the time of Bible study, she had stuck to Vwede's side like a toddler clinging to her mother's clothes. Any interaction with him was avoided at all costs, no matter how much he tried. Even when he was sharing what had blessed him in the study, he noticed she had her head down and away from him. It was like the past few months of friendship or whatever he thought they had built had been wiped from her memory. Having their Sunday service-after-service meet was out of the question now. At this point, it really felt like those moments had been only in his head. And it hurt him like an untreated open sore.

Godswill was sure the other two had noticed their stilted interactions or lack of it but they said nothing and he was glad. He wasn't sure what he was going to do if that topic came up while the four of them were together. So he sucked it up, smiled and concentrated on the study.

After the study, he stood and helped them clear up the area they had used and they all prepared to go home. All of a sudden, without either of them noticing, Vwede and Tunde disappeared and they were left alone.

"Vwede, where should I leave this?" He heard Fola say. It's been so long since I heard this voice. Too long in fact.

"Vwede?"

"I don't know. She and Tunde seem to have vanished into thin air. At least, it can't be because they were raptured 'cause we are still here," he tried to joke, punctuating it with a laughter that sounded lifeless and mirthless, even to his ears.

I'm obviously not funny.

He watched from the table he was leaning against as she jumped and turned around to face him. And he didn't like what he saw on her face.

Fear?

She looked scared. Scared of him? He didn't know. And he was certain he didn't want to know, especially if that was the case.

When he couldn't take the awkwardness anymore, he asked with an edge of frustration evident in his voice, "What's wrong, Fola? What's been up with you?"

Seconds stretched into minutes that seemed as long as years but neither of them said a word more. Godswill folded his arms and stared at her bowed head from where he stood.

Friends don't treat friends this way.

He tried again. "Did I do or say something wrong?"

If he had done something wrong to her, he wanted to know, but her stance showed that she wasn't even interested in talking to him. It was like talking to a wall, a reinforced wall at that.

He sighed frustratedly as he said, "I don't know what's going on but I hope you feel better and can talk about it soon. Please, tell Tunde I'm waiting in the car."

He picked his keys and wallet, and stepped out of the apartment.

He was done trying.

At least, for now.

***********

Fola sat still on the chair as tears filled her eyes. She had been trying her utmost to keep it together all through the study. She had settled with herself that she was God's child and she was forgiven. But she just couldn't shake off the fact that Godswill could know about her past.

There was something about letting people in, only to get disappointed about their reactions to your flaws and inadequacies. It was easier with God because He had always been there even before the beginning began and has known the full story. But humans were a different case. She had lived long enough to know that humans were the most unreliable and untrustworthy species on the face of the earth. And letting anyone in enough to see the her she had kept hidden for so long was out of the question.

Fola had heard the hurt in Godswill's voice and it touched something in her, but it had not been enough for her to raise her head and give the answers he wanted. She knew they had gotten to a stage where she could share what was happening or had happened, if she wanted. And she also knew he liked her. It showed in the way he paid extra attention to her, looked at her and even spoke to her.

That is the scary part.
What if he remembers the old stories? What if he decided they couldn't be after he finds out? And what if he was just like the others?

She wasn't sure she could handle it if it came to that and she didn't want to have to let him choose between her present and her past. It was just better that everything he was feeling, and if she wanted to be honest, everything she was feeling got dissolved at this moment like steam evaporating into the atmosphere. No condensation. No lingering or loitering. No moving forward. Everything, forgotten like yesterday's yawn.

She stared at the shut door, as if willing him to come back in. Sighing, she laid her head back on the sofa she was sitting on and shut her eyes.

The door opened again and she sat up.
"Godswill, I… "

"Where's Godswill?" Vwede asked, while Tunde looked around the room.

Fola shut her eyes again. "He left some minutes ago. Tunde, he said to tell you that he is waiting in the car."

She could hear the hesitation in Tunde's voice but he just said, "Okay."

"See you later."

"Alright."

As soon as Tunde stepped out, Vwede jumped in. "What's wrong, Fola?"

"Nothing is."

"Something has been up, babe. For some weeks now, it's been painful to watch you. You have been practically forcing yourself to interact and just be your usual self, even with us."

Fola looked everywhere except for Vwede's face or eyes. Her first impression of her had been a bit biased and she could see that now. Based on the last few months since meeting her, Fola had realised that Vwede was just one of those people who when they liked you, liked you no matter what. Her seemingly lack of filter was just a sign that she liked you. And Fola could arrive at that conclusion because she had seen her with other people and found out that her friend actually understood what it meant to be tight-lipped. She was upset that she was now a cause of concern to her and the others but she didn't know what to do.

How does one respond to such open displays of love? How does one just become vulnerable with another? 

Apparently, Vwede knew how to do that. But that wasn't a question she wanted to ask her friend. It wasn't because she thought Vwede wouldn't know the answer.  It was because just asking was already a vulnerability for her.

And she knew that one couldn't let another in if their guards weren't down. Fola couldn't put her guards down; she had even forgotten how to.

It's been so long.

The only people who had ever cared enough for her were her uncle and aunty. Everyone else had proven to be a liar at one point or another. And she was too exhausted to learn how to give anyone else a chance.

"We know something is up, you can't fool us anymore. But you can let us know when you're ready," Vwede paused. "I have some ice cream in the freezer. Let's take that before you go home."

As Vwede stood to go, the tears that had been threatening to fall, spilled onto her cheeks and they kept flowing till Vwede returned several minutes later when the dam was back up and running. If her friend had stayed back because she knew she had been crying, she didn't say. She just smiled at her and gave her a spoon as she lifted the lid off the tub of ice cream, before proceeding to play a music video, Evan Craft's Be Alright.

Fola lifted a silent word of thanks to God for not making her miss out on such a great friend as she listened to and read out the lyrics of the song.

Father, You say everything is gonna be alright
But my circumstances say I won't last through the night
I need Your word to hold me now, need You to pull me through
I need a miracle, a breakthrough, I need You
They say You hold the whole universe in Your hand
But my world's falling apart like it is made of sand
Am I small enough to slip through the cracks?
Can You take my broken pieces and put them back?
Give me faith to believe You are on my side
Open my eyes to see You working in my life
Let the past remind me You never fail
Tell my soul "It is well" (oh)

Y todo va a estar bien
Everything will be alright
The whole world's in His hands
Your whole world's in His hands
In the darkness and the trials
He's faithful and He's true
Your whole world's in His hands
Y todo va a estar bien

*********

Godswill didn't know whether he was upset with Fola because she didn't have an iota of trust in him or if he was annoyed with himself for leaving her alone.

But no one can blame me. He thought.

Even though he didn't want to think about it, his past experiences with ladies began to flit into his heart like a flight of birds flapping their wings in distress. The past ghosting, it's-not-you-it's-me talk, playing with his heart and every other painful thing he had had to go through due to his carelessness and their heartlessness.

And here was another lady doing the same to him. If she didn't like something about him or his behaviour, the least she could do was call him out on it, not act like he didn't exist. He was tired and exhausted, and he was already at the tipping point.

God, if I'm not going to marry, just tell me. Let me change my name to Paul and live alone.

"Hey, bro," Tunde called out to him.

"You're here. Let's go." He turned to go into the car and Tunde followed suit.

"What's going on with you and Fola?"

"I wish there was something going on. I don't even know what's happening."

After a bit, he added, "Did she say something? Did I do something wrong?"

"She didn't say anything. Actually, Vwede and I noticed you both or let's say, Fola was acting strangely. So we thought you guys fought or something and we wanted to play peacemaker."

"That's why you left us alone?"

"Yes."

"Well, she didn't say a letter to me, not to mention a word. She just sat there with her head bowed. I asked her what my offence was but I was met with silence. I just had to leave before I said things I didn't mean."

Godswill sighed again.

"I'm sure she will tell you when she's ready."

"Hmmmm. I'm not so sure."

Godswill started the engine and drove them home all the while thinking what his next step would be.

**********

"Why won't I make it now?" Fola laughed as she spoke into her phone. "I told you guys I would come for the event."

"Okay o. It's because we know you o. You know what it took to even convince you to come for it," a voice replied.

"I know, I know. I will be there ehn. Besides, I already bought the aso ebí and everything. So, what's making you guys so skeptical?"

"Hmmmm. That's what you will say and then, you will give an excuse and not show up."

"Ami, I'm tired of trying to convince you. I will let my gaily-dressed presence do the talking. And you will swallow all these things you said to me."

"Yeah, right."

She had met Amiyah and Bolatito when she did a short course after her university days. She couldn't say they were very close friends, but they were people she had met at some point and maintained contact with. Now, Bolatito was getting married and had insisted she attend her wedding coming up that weekend. They knew how she was because they had invited her several times for a girls' hangout or night out especially when she was still living in Lagos, but she had found one excuse or the other not to go. And Ami never let those go.

The conversation ended on a good note and Fola looked through her calendar again. I already planned to go. And my clothe is ready. So, let's just carry ourselves and go ehn, Fola.

Staring at her WhatsApp chats, she realised that it had been forever since she sent a message to Godswill. Her thumb hovered over his contact and she even typed out a message but cancelled several times.

I will talk to him when I return from this weekend's party.

It had been a few weeks since their last encounter and even though she didn't go out of her way to avoid him at church, their paths just never seemed to cross anymore. She saw him from afar but she never took a step towards him. Now, she had resolved in her heart that even if she couldn't tell him the whole story, she would at least let him know that he wasn't the problem. That, she could do.

Besides, he had been gracious enough to keep sending herself and Vwede meals at work, at least twice a week. It felt like he was saying "take your time, and talk to me when you're ready." It couldn't have been an easy decision and she appreciated him for that.

We will talk when I come back.

*************

Here's another classmate-slash-friend getting married. Oh well. It's been a while I attended owanbe. I'll have fun and see my old buddies.

Godswill had just arrived at the church venue for the wedding of his old schoolmate. He had driven the short distance to Lagos alone as Tunde hadn't been able to make the time to attend with him. So, he was all alone but not for long, he hoped.

He parked his car, alighted, adjusted his purple-coloured bùbá and sòkòtò, picked his leather purse, and lilac aso-òkè cap and locked the door. He double-checked the locks on all doors because this was Lagos and anything was possible.

He had heard it several times that one should shine their eyes while in Lagos and always be on high alert because unfathomable things happen when you let your guard down.

The church wedding was already underway as evidenced by the sounds coming from the sound system and gaily-dressed people going into the auditorium. He was sure the wedding was also going to be a reunion of some sort because his classmates had rallied around the groom as their custom was for anyone having an event.

He checked himself out again using his car window and adjusted his buba. When he was satisfied, he turned to go into the auditorium.

Then, he heard a very familiar feminine voice call his name. A voice he had grown used to and had wanted to hear for the past few weeks.

"Godswill, is that you?"

He turned and was shocked still. How come she's here?