Axel was silent. Frustration crept up his neck in red splotches. He was sitting behind his enormous desk. Piles of paper were stacked neatly on one side, an unorganized mess on the other. He'd been trying to teach me the finer points of his line of work.

I was trying. We had been at it all day.

"I don't know how many more times I can go over it," he sighed heavily, stood, and walked over to pour a drink.

I didn't say anything. Some of it I got, other parts I just couldn't grasp. It was harder than learning to drive, numbers just didn't come easily to me.

Axel came back with two very full, very stiff drinks and set them on coasters on the desktop. He slumped in the chair, sighed heavily. I took a long drink and tried not to think what the alcohol might be doing with the pills I snuck earlier.

"We'll get back to it tomorrow." He ran a hand through his brown hair. It was longer than he normally kept it and was sticking up in places it normally didn't.

"And you just happened to pick up all of this so easily?"

A long sigh.

"No, you're right, it took me a while. I should have thought to teach you earlier." Axel took a drink.

He looked at me, an awkward moment of silence.

We had slept alone that night, me in the bed, him on the couch. Both fighting things we didn't want the other to know about. Axel had spent the previous day curled in bed, only answering his phone if it was absolutely necessary. He hadn't thrown up, but it had looked like he wanted to all day. He had finally slunk out of the room the same time the sun had started to set and ordered pizza. We spent the evening on the couch watching bad movies and then were awake with the sun.

"Fuck this and fuck me," he jabbed a finger at the papers sprawled across the desktop.

Sometimes I forgot that he wasn't much older than I was. He had taken on an enormous responsibility and was just a kid. Barely above the legal drinking age and trying to run an empire. He usually held it together; he usually managed to be the mature adult who had everything under control. But there were moments he acted his age and everything he had done became that much more impressive.

"Everything we do has to be accounted for, every fucking piece, every fucking bullet that passes through Fallen I have to know about. And then I have to fucking turn bullets into shot glasses, I have to turn shitty fucking guns into bottles and coasters and beer. And I have to make sure that no one has their hands in anything. Not even you."

I stared down at the papers; numbers and notes sprawled across the pages.

"I'm starting to get that."

"Yeah, I know," another sigh, "You're trying. You're picking things up pretty fast actually."

I felt the pills and the alcohol start to mix. A wave of color washed over me, my skin itched. My lips felt numb, fingers and toes, body parts felt heavy. Something scratched my insides, I jumped, Axel looked at me.

I forced myself to look at Axel, finished the drink.

The phone rang. He picked it up, said a few words, put it back down.

"Fuck me." Axel downed his drink and stood, "Gotta help with merchandise again."

"Have fun."

"Yeah, those fucking idiots aren't worth my time," he sighed again and squeezed my shoulder sending a wave of emotion through me. His eyes seemed to be permanently bloodshot now, he hadn't shaved in a few days. Dark circles under his eyes, his skin looked stretched across thin cheekbones. He looked older, tired, fed up with everything, too tired with everything.

He left the room.

I moved from the chair I had pulled to the desk to one of the leather couches, poured myself another drink on the way. Tension eased away as I sank into the leather. The whiskey warmed my body, the pills sent a wave of calm over me. I closed my eyes, maybe I could get a few minutes of sleep before Axel came back. I felt a hand on my arm.

"That was fast," I mumbled and opened my eyes.

Not Axel.

I pushed back into the couch.. He hadn't touched me before.

"Caleb," I whispered.

His hair was longer than he liked it. It was touching his ears, he hated that. I had cut it for him so many times before, just the way he liked it, short. I made a mistake once and cut it too short, other kids had made fun of him, calling him a freak. He had dirt smudges on his face, his clothes rumpled and creased in the wrong places, his shoelaces needed to be retied. He'd trip on them.

I shook my head. I hadn't felt his hand on my arm. I couldn't have. He wasn't real. He wasn't there. I knew he wasn't. He took a step back and stared at me.

"You're not real, Caleb." It was unconvincing.

"You are not real," I repeated. He looked too thin like that month Mother was too drugged to remember she had kids.

"You're not real." But he was. He was there and he was alive. I wanted him to be real. I wanted him to still be alive.

"You're not fucking real."

He stared. Wiped his nose with the back of his hand. I wanted to reach out to him, hold him, and tell him everything would be okay.

I wanted to tell him that Axel and I were happy and would take care of him and make sure nothing would happen to him or us. Maybe I could tell him and we could pretend we were a happy and whole family not a few broken kids with too many missing pieces.

He was the new kid in the apartment. The family had moved in quickly and quietly across the hall from where the girl lived. She had watched them hauling their few boxes up the stairs. She had wanted to help. Mother had told her not to, told her to come feed the baby and clean up his shit. The girl still watched when she could. There was no mom, just a dad, and his son. He was older than the girl. She guessed not by a lot.

He looked sad, his plain brown hair was too long and covered his eyes. His dad looked sad too.

She waited until the baby was sleeping. Waited for her mother to pass out and went to say hi. It was the afternoon, she was hoping that he would want to come and play with her. It took a few good knocks on the door for it to open up. The dad stood there looking down at her. At first she thought he was angry, then he smiled. But he still looked tired and sad.

"Well, hi there," he even sounded tired and sad.

"Hi, I'm Annie, your neighbor," the girl smiled at the adult and held her small hand out to shake like she had seen adults do on TV.

The man took it gently and shook her hand.

"Nice to meet you, Annie," he said dropping her hand, "I'm Mr. Hoffman."

The boy peeked around his dad and looked at the strange girl standing in his doorway. She grinned at him brightly hoping he would be her friend.

"Hi, I'm Annie!"

The boy said nothing for a second, just stared at her. Mr. Hoffman smiled another sad smile and pushed his son forward.

"This is Ben, my son."

Ben eyed the girl for another moment and smiled.

"You wanna play?" the girl asked almost timidly. She hadn't ever had anyone else to play with. Her brother was too young, had a hard time rolling over still.

"Yeah, I have a ball we can play with," the boy broke out into a huge grin and raced back inside returning with a small rubber ball. "Where?"

"Stay in the hall," Mr. Hoffman said gently and ushered Ben out the door, "And not too long."

"Okay Daddy," the boy said and looked to the girl, "We just moved here."

"Yeah I watched you, my mom wouldn't let me come and say hi," she glanced down and unconsciously rubbed the bruises on her arms. They were hidden by her jacket but still hurt. It had been her fault, she didn't stop the baby from crying when mom had her man friend over.

"My mom died," Ben said, "In a car accident, so we had to move here."

"Wow," the girl said wide-eyed and didn't know what else to say.

Ben handed her the ball and ran to the end of the hall. She stared at him, confused, unsure of what to do.

"Throw it to me," he held his hands up to catch it.

"Okay," the girl tossed it at him. The ball bounced once on the floor and flew towards Ben. He expertly caught it and threw it back. The girl missed it and had to run down the hall to get it back. Ben laughed, she laughed too. A friend.

"You'll get it next time. I've had lots of practice," he said.

She nodded and threw it back to him. She was having so much fun and forgot about her responsibilities until she heard her name being shouted.

"Annie? Annie, where the fuck are you?" Mother screamed. The girl heard her pounding through the apartment, the door flung open. The baby was crying again.

"Annie, get your ass back inside and shut this baby up," her mother growled, her face red, eyes bloodshot. She had woken up and started drinking right away. Probably forgot about her kids until the baby started crying.

The girl let the ball drop from her hands, she hadn't wanted to boy to know about her mom. She glanced at him, but he didn't look scared like other kids had on the few times Mother had picked her up from school. He just looked calm and curious.

"Don't look at him, get back inside now," Mother rasped again, "Don't make me drag you in here."

"I'm coming, I'm coming," she said quickly shooting a glance towards Ben, "Bye, I had fun!"

The girl darted in to her apartment; her mother slammed the door quickly but not fast enough. Ben's voice filtered through and the girl smiled to herself.

"See you later, Annie."

She had just made her first friend.

I came out choking on air, something weighing down on me. Heavy and hard and suffocating.

He looked at me. Stared into me. Axel did so much for me, had done so much for us.

I knew why he did it. I knew why he had saved my ass so many times, why I was allowed to come back into The Fallen, why I was given so many chances while others were given just one.

I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to remember. Maybe it really was him. His legs were crumpled neatly as he could manage, his version of sitting cross-legged. The small scar over his right eye was in the same place it had always been. He looked exactly as he had when he was seven, but it couldn't be him. He wasn't really in the office. He wasn't really alive.

I wanted it to be him, but I wanted it to be the real him not the one that just looked like him.

"You're not real, I know you're not. Leave me please."

He didn't move, just kept staring into me.

I felt suffocated; the air was gone from the room. And he was still there. Still just looking at me like he always did. Like he was really there, like he was really still alive.

I was on the floor, the couch gone, the carpet felt soft on my face. I clung to it digging my fingers into the fabric.

"Just leave me alone, just go away," a voice sobbed. Didn't sound like words. I tried to think of anything but him, tried not to feel him still sitting there, still watching.

The door opened with a click, footsteps tapped lightly across the floor. He was leaving me. Finally, he was leaving me.

"Annie?" Axel.

Felt him pull me into his arms, wrapped me tight in arms that would do anything to protect me. Arms that would do anything to save me.