The pills hadn't worked.

I kept waiting for a release of breath, kept waiting for a wave of calm to wash over me, but nothing happened. Axel had taken me to his apartment for the first time and we ended up drinking instead.

Drinking had.

At least after I ended up drinking enough to blackout and spend most of the night puking. Axel held my hair and filled endless glasses of water. His bathroom had been spotless, the tiled floor had chilled me to the bone, yet was one of the cleanest things I had ever thrown up on. Even his toilet had smelled clean. When I finally stopped, he led me back to his bed, the one that was so soft it took pain away and we fell asleep. Me wrapped in his arms, in his silk sheets.

We spent the week in his apartment. He ignored all calls after the first one demanding he be left alone until he checked back in. We slept in, learned each other's bodies, how we moved in pleasure, how fast the other fell asleep, how quick they were to wake. I woke up gasping for air more than once, he would calmly hold me tighter, stroking my hair until it passed.

He ordered us breakfasts and lunches and dinners, foods I had only dreamed of eating. Pancakes and bacon and steaks and seafood I had never even heard of before. If I had died and this was Heaven, I wouldn't have been surprised. But I knew it wasn't.

I kept seeing things that weren't real. Kept feeling things that weren't mine. And we tried to keep them away.

"Axel?"

He had tried. He tried everything he could get his hands on to help me. Sometimes it did help. Sometimes the memory would fade and the world would get fuzzy and warm and silent. Sometimes it was worse, only sharper and more painful.

"Axel?"

I could feel them coming, it was like being tied to train tracks. You could feels the rails vibrating, knew it was getting closer, but powerless to stop it.

"Axel," I shouted, panicking, feeling the train closer, the noise louder, the shaking stronger, "Axel, please."

"Hey, hey, I'm here." I felt his strong arms pull me close, the cool silk sheets glossing over my naked legs. I felt his steady, calm heartbeat as he pressed me to his chest.

"It's okay, I'm here," he said softly rocking me gently.

I was trembling in his arms, my skin prickled with cold even though the room was warm. It was closer now, the train was in view, but it wasn't slowing. It couldn't.

"I don't want this one, it's bad. Please, I don't want this one." It was hard to breath, hard to focus on anything but the darkness coming, "Please, Axel take it away, please it's really bad. It's really bad, please."

"I've got you Annie. I promise, I'm here with you," he held me tighter, "I've got you, I'm here this time."

"No, no, it's too bad, it's really bad, please," I was begging, "Just give me anything, please, just something to stop it."

A man laughed, the sickening sound of something sharp sliding into flesh. A broken body. Blood.

"It's not real, it's not real," I murmured to myself, "It's not real."

"I'm here, Annie, it's okay," Axel's voice sounded far away, foggy and fading.

The man laughed again, his body taking shape in the darkness of the room.

"No, no, it's not real, it's not real," someone was moaning, crying, whimpering like a scared animal. It knew it was me, I could stop it, I couldn't breathe, my throat felt tight, my lungs, body felt tight.

Axel was gone, taken away in the dark. I was alone.

The man grinned, his body fully formed now. He held a knife loosely in his hand, staring not at me but a small boy in the corner. The man laughed and used his free hand to undo the buckle of his belt.

"Don't touch him," I lunged towards the man, "Don't fucking touch him."

He grinned, his teeth yellow and stained. Raised an eyebrow, flexed his fingers. Came closer to me, his breath stank of anger and abuse and hate. He grabbed my neck, slammed me into the wall, dug his fingers into my skin, and rammed the butt of his knife between my legs.

"I don't care what you do to me, just don't fucking touch him," I looked for the boy, he was still huddled in the corner.

This wasn't real. This wasn't real.

The man took me in closer, flipped the knife around and dragged the point of it across my stomach, dug in deep. I screamed. Blood spilled from the open wound, he laughed again and let go. I sank to the floor.

He stood over me, the knife dripping with my blood, a sickening grin spreading on his face, his eyes darting between the boy and me. My brother. I grabbed his leg, he kicked my side, I felt something shift and move and break.

Something screamed. It might have been me.

This wasn't real. This wasn't real.

The man dropped to his knees, held the knife to my throat, loosened my pants, yanked them off, and brought the knife lower. His hand went to my stomach, wet blood, the knife between my legs.

This wasn't real.

Pain didn't wash over me, but flooded through my veins, touching everything. Then ripped through my skin. Pain was the only thing I felt, the only thing I could think. Animal screams. There was nothing but searing pain. There was no darkness to take me away, that would have been too kind. More claws, more tearing and ripping, laughter.

This. Wasn't. Real.

My hand hit something warm, something soft, my fingers latched around it. Axel looked down at me, watching this happen. How could he just watch this happen to me? He was doing nothing.

This. Wasn't Real.

Axel knelt by me, his hands felt warm and soft. Something cinched tight around my arm. I felt blood in my mouth metallic and warm. Too much of it. The man was still laughing, Axel was doing nothing to get him off.

I tried to scream at him, tried to get him to hear me. He didn't hear, or couldn't hear, or wouldn't hear.

Was this real?

Then there was a pain softer than the rest. Something cold flowed into me. The man disappeared. Pain faded. The boy in the corner was gone.

Only Axel remained, his face pale and scared and worried.

My chest was heaving with the effort of breathing, my breaths came in shaking and loud. My skin felt hot and sweaty and cold. Axel's arms wrapped around me vibrating with my shaking.

"Fuck, Annie, fuck," he muttered, his voice thick, "I'm so sorry."

This was real.

He felt good against me, warm and safe. And slowly, slowly darkness came.