Aldrich V. Royce, 52

Media Mogul

In a previous chapter, Kenny Lee (now Zombie Kenny) said that nobody was concerned about the possibility that the dead were coming back to life because "The local news clowns treated it like a joke." And I couldn't help but wonder why that was. To that end, I had the opportunity to sit down with the current owner of Omniscience Broadcasting, Aldrich V. Royce., which he inherited from his father, who inherited it from his father, who inherited it from his father, who started it from the ground up with the help of a monkey's paw.

I would say Royce is the poster child for Old Money, but people with old money don't have posters, they have oil paintings. Wearing an ascot and dark sunglasses, he seemed like a cross between Thurston Howell, III and Tommy Wiseau. To say he is pompous would be the height of understatement.

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Hello, Mr. Royce.

Hello, thing that is not myself.

Recently, an acquaintance of mine was a victim of the zombies and at least some of it was your fault.

I see. [Reaches into his pocket] Here are a few silver coins. Please give it to his grieving widow along with this release of liability waiver .

He wasn't married.

No? How fortunate! [Puts the coins and waiver away]

What I'm getting at is that he frequently watched your news station, but had no idea of the severity of the looming threat. So my question is, how come your station wasn't aware of the danger?

Ah-ha-ha-ha! We were fully aware, you insignificant dust mite. We are a professional news organization of the highest caliber!

That's debatable. But in fairness, it's not just your company. Your competitors didn't do any better.

To what competitors are you referring, sand flea?

The rival local news stations.

Ah-ha-ha-ha! There are no "rival stations," you silly nanobe.

What do you mean, no rival stations?

I acquired them all. Coast to coast.

What?! Really? You own all the local news stations?

I was under the impression you were a renown journalist. How did you not know that?

Good question. Lucas! How did I not know that?

[LUCAS: Yeah, sorry. Honestly, I've been feeling a little depressed lately and it's hard to focus. I feel like that guy in that comic who got his heart broken by that girl from another comic in that intracompany crossover.]

Do you want to talk about it?

[LUCAS: I really would. See, I got this letter from Stephanie—]

I think the words you're looking for are, "No, Aaron. I'm fine."

[LUCAS: Oh, sure, yeah. Don't worry about me. I'm good. Just like that guy in that movie. Star... something-or-other.]

Sorry about that, Mr. Royce. Shall we continue?

And who are you, thing that is not myself?

Um... Aaron Rubicon? I've been interviewing you.

Have you? Ah-ha-ha-ha! So you were! My, you are completely forgettable! You could vanish from the earth and who would even notice?

[LUCAS: (cries)]

Ignore him.

Ignore who?

Right. So we've established that you own all of the local news stations. Doesn't that mean you had an even bigger responsibility to warn your audience about the zombies?

We spent countless hours of airtime thoroughly discussing the topic for the edification of our viewers.

And by "thoroughly exploring" I assume you're referring to the people shouting over each other all at once?

That is rather reductionist, you pitiable homunculus.

Is it? I'm going to read to you a snippet from a transcript of one of your panel shows.

Panelist #1: The thing about the zombies—

Panelist #2: What do you know, moron?

Panelist #1: You're the moron, moron!

Panelist #3: You're both morons!

Host: You're all morons!

Panelist #3: Don't call us morons!

Panelist #2: You're the real moron, moron!

Panelist #1: Yeah! moron!

Host: I swear, next moron who calls me a moron gets their mic cut!

Panelist #1: Maybe I'll cut your mic, moron!

Host: You can't cut my mic, you moron! I control the mic-cutting around here! Moron!

Panelist #1: Oh, yeah? Check it out! I just cut your mic, moron!

Panelist #2: Serves you right, moron!

Host: You didn't cut my mic! My mic's working fine, moron!

Panelist #3: What's that you say, moron? I can't hear you now that your mic's been cut!

Host: You morons know full well that my mic is working fine!

Panelist #2: Wow, it's been so peaceful here since that moron's mic was cut.

Host: Stop it, you morons! Stop it right now!

Panelist #1: As I was saying, the thing about zombies—

Host: And that's all the time we have...

Do you really stand by that?

I do. As a print journalist, you have the luxury of being dreadfully dull, but television needs to entertain.

I get that all the yelling creates a kind of an adrenaline rush, but it isn't really informative.

As compared to what, you amoebic parasite?

Something that doesn't insult their intelligence?

Ah-ha-ha-ha! Why would our viewers watch something that insulted their intelligence?

Because they don't realize their intelligence is being insulted.

Are you insinuating, mole-rat, that our viewers are not intelligent enough to know that their intelligence is being insulted?

Yes! I mean, no! I mean... Look all I'm saying is that they'd be better served watching something else.

Such as?

I don't know. PBS News Hour, where you can get unbiased, in-depth professional reporting.

Do you watch it, guinea worm?

Well... you know... I keep meaning to, but...

[LUCAS: The thing is, after you kidnapped me, Stephanie and I agreed to a long-distance relationship, which obviously wasn't ideal, but I figured we would make it work somehow. But now she wants an open relationship! Which is easy for her to say. She's not the one in caged up like that... guy from the movie with the... the eating of the... people.]

OK, Mr. Royce, so let's look towards the future. Zombies are a fact of life, spreading through our towns and cities, will you be making any adjustments as to how you present the news?

Given the gravity of the current situation, we will make sure that our panelists yell even louder than before. And of course we will need to find some new, more alarming graphics, perhaps with teeth dripping blood. Perhaps we'll have our weather girl get even bigger implants.

But those are just cosmetic changes. Have you really given your viewers enough information?

I am confident that we give them the opinions they need to make up their own minds.

Opinions? Shouldn't you be giving them facts?

What are facts but opinions that went to college?

That makes no sense.

Among the many things you fail to understand, you unwashed untouchable, is that there is nothing our viewers hate more than an elitist.

But aren't you an elitist?

How so, inconsequential Lilipution?

Are you joking? You grew up in a multi-million dollar penthouse. You were driven around by a chauffeur and sailed on a one-hundred-thirty foot yacht. You went to Horace Mann, Princeton and Wharton. You inherited massive wealth and a massive media empire. For the love of Silicon Christ, you own all the news stations!

I am confident that our viewers would see you are the real elitist here.

Why would they think that?

Because I own all the news stations.

OK. Well, thank you for your time.

And who are you, thing that is not myself?