Greg Walp, 22

Gamer/Stoner

Remember Greg? Sure you do! He was the addled, affable stoner who, among other things, introduced us to Robot Jesus who was destroyed along with the other AIs, Sean and Shirlé. He claims to, once again, have some potentially game-changing news.

Oh, man, good to see you again, dude! Bring it in! [Hugs me for an uncomfortably long time. #MeToo]

I haven't heard from you since the early days of the post-apocalypse. I was worried that something had happened to you.

Dude, tons of things happened to me! Where do I even start? Oh! I know! I invented a new kind of apple pie! It's a lot like a regular apple pie, except you scoop out all the apples and replace them with cherries.

So... a cherry pie.

But is it a cherry pie? Or is it an apple pie made out of cherries?

A cherry pie.

You know I love you, dude, but you are so linear!

My apologies. But what I would like to hear about is your experiences right after the Robot Apocalypse, during the Tech Massacre.

Oh, it was rough, dude. Let me tell ya: If I knew I'd be running for my life, I wouldn't have worn my flip-flops. Also, I wouldn't have smoked so much pot. It's hard to get away from an angry mob when you're bent over, wheezing, carrying two grocery bags full of cookie dough and pizza rolls. It was pretty scary.

I can imagine.

Believe it or not, I haven't smoked weed since.

Good for you.

Yup. I'm all about the edibles now.

Because they don't affect your lungs?

That's a bonus, sure, but honestly, I'll eat anything in the shape of a gummi bear. I'll tell you, if they ever invent gummi bear broccoli I'll be the healthiest mofo you've ever seen.

I'm a little confused. Why was the mob going after you? You're a gamer, you didn't work in tech.

Yeah, seriously, dude! That is my biggest complaint about bloodthirsty mobs: Their total lack of nuance. Sure, they went after tech executives and programmers and systems architects, but also people who worked for The Geek Squad or tech support or looked like Bill Nye. Or in one case, was Bill Nye.

They got The Science guy?!

Yeah. You ever see someone strung up by their bow tie?

I have not.

It is the funniest horrible thing you'll ever see. Or maybe the horrible-est funny thing you'll ever see. I don't know.

How did you manage to get away?

I didn't. I took three steps and tripped over my flip-flops. Ha! That is a fun thing to say! Tripped over my flip-flops! Tripped over my flip-flops! Flopped over my trip flips! Flapped under my mop tops! Flippety-floppety-floop! Ha ha ha!

So you've been high this whole time?

Nope. That's the thing about edibles. They sneak up on you. The ninjas of the drug world. Hyaaa!

So how did you survive the mobs?

I acted like a harmless stoner.

You are a harmless stoner.

That's what made it so convincing. Shout-out to my boy Stanislavski! What-what!

So what happened to your friends who did work in tech?

All of 'em got got. Jahli's uncle and Jahlil and... uh... that's it. I guess I had fewer tech friends than I thought.

Still, very sad.

Especially Jahlil. To go out the way he did.

What way was that?

Man, it was like a Greek tragedy! When the mob came for him, he tried to escape through the window. But it was at a kind of weird, awkward angle and he couldn't quite get it to open.

You mean...?

Yeah. If Jahlil had sick elbows that bent totally backwards like his brother's he could have gotten it open. But he was cursed with everyday ordinary non-sick elbows. Really makes you think.

It does. Talk about the fickle finger — well, elbow — of fate. If Jahlil was double-jointed, he'd be alive today.

I doubt it. The fall would have probably killed him. He was six stories up.

Wow. Sounds like you went through a terrible ordeal.

Worst thing I've ever been through since the last thing that I've been through.

You mean the Robot Apocalypse?

No, I mean a faulty vending machine. I selected Mountain Dew but I got Dr. Pepper instead. Did you know it's made with prune juice?

I think that's a myth.

Oh, really? Then you explain why I shit my pants!

OK, moving on. You intimated that you had some game-changing news.

(Looks around warily) OK. I will tell you, but have to swear it's off the record.

No.

Cool! I'm using my place as a totally illegal safe house for the survivors of The Tech Massacre.

What are you doing? I said no!

Well, in my defense, I thought you were going to say yes.

You realize that this implicates me in a crime, right?

No worries dude. I didn't tell you where my place was.

Aren't we in your place right now?

Oh, dude, you're right! I thought those Cheech and Chong posters looked familiar. I was all, "I don't know who lives here, but he's got awesome taste!"

Great, but you do know that what you're doing is a capital crime under the SPA, right?

I did not know that. Man! A house full of fugitive techies and not one of them thought to tell me that I could be executed? Uncool! I am definitely jacking up their rent!

Are you having second thoughts?

Nah. Death doesn't scare me. The only thing that scares me are snakes. And death. And dead snakes. Besides, our mission is so important, it's worth the risk.

I'm sorry. What mission are you talking about?

OK, here's the thing. I don't blame the mobs for murdering my tech friends—

Damn, you are really liberal.

—I mean, it made sense at the time. Recklessly creating self-aware tech that nearly wiped out the human race? That was a huge party foul! Like showing up empty handed, or stopping up the toilet or yelling "Party foul!" when someone commits a party foul, which is way too Inception for my taste. You know?

Nope.

But that was then. Now we've got new problems. Zombie problems. We are getting our asses kicked and it's getting worse every day. We don't have the smarts, we don't have the leadership and we don't even have the numbers. We need an advantage. And we have one.

Which is?

Interconnected smart tech.

But it was all destroyed.

It was all destroyed on Earth. The satellites are still up there! And if we can access them we can maybe turn the tide in our favor. Smart weapons! GPS guidance! Other stuff! 

But how will we be able to access them?

How, indeed. [He stares off into the distance for several minutes]

Um, you OK there, Greg?

Sorry, dude. Gummi bear two just kicked in. Where were we?

How do we access the satellites?

OK, so here it is. Remember Jahlil's uncle, the computer scientist?

Of course. We talked about him five minutes ago. He was killed in The Tech Massacre.

Yes, he was... or was he? Heh heh heh.

What are you saying?

Well, as that riverboat dude once said, the reports of his death are entirely accurate.

That's Mark Twain and he said the reports of his death were greatly exaggerated.

You mean riverboat dude is still alive?

No.

So the reports of his death were not at all exaggerated.

But he said it when he was still alive.

Well, if you're gonna say something, "still alive" is pretty much your only option.

But he was talking about not being dead.

Which he is.

Yes, now.

Right. So what are we arguing about?

I... don't know anymore. Something about satellites?

Yes! So before they got Jahlil's uncle, Jahlil's uncle hid some very advanced tech. Advanced enough to take control of orbiting satellites. But bummerly, after spending years in a cold, wet, non-sterile basement, it has been damaged.

And that's why you have all the techies? To try and fix it?

Yup. And they think they are very close to being able to do it.

Do what?

Resurrect Robot Jesus.