Andrew Newberg, Esq.

Andrew was the feckless lawyer who represented Marietta during her trial. As we all saw, he wasn't very good. More recently, though, his career has taken something of an upturn when he argued a case in front of the Supreme Court that could have a profound impact for the future of humanity.

This interview was conducted while Andrew was waiting to hear the Court's decision.

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This is a big day for you.

It's a big day for everybody.

Are you nervous?

Strangely, I'm not.

Really? How come?

Because for the first time in my career, I have right on my side.

You've never had right on your side before?

I'm a defense attorney. My clients were always guilty.

Really?

Of course. I mean, the police don't arrest you for no reason, right?

You're not supposed to take their word for it.

Why? They seem like good guys.

You know about Miranda, right?

No. What did she do?

Never mind.

Look, I do my job. I always pretend my scumbag clients are innocent, but they never are.

How can you be so sure?

Because they always get convicted.

Maybe you're just a terrible lawyer.

I'm not good enough to convince a jury that a guilty person is innocent, but I'd liked to think I'm good enough to convince a jury that an innocent person is innocent.

But you did finally represent an innocent person.

Yes. Marietta Weiss.

And she got convicted anyway.

She did. I failed her on so many levels.

But doesn't that suggest the possibility that you had other innocent clients, you just didn't notice?

Nope.

Okey-dokey. Let's back up a bit and delve into your history. What made you want to be a lawyer?

Originally, I didn't want to be a lawyer; I wanted to be a worm farmer.

Is that a real thing?

It is. Worms are an efficient, eco-friendly way to fertilize your garden.

Why didn't you do that?

Worms are icky.

So are lawyers.

True.

Where did you go to law school?

I went to the Cooley Law School at Western Michigan University.

That makes sense. It's the worst law school in the country.

Not if you want to be a lawyer for the mob.

Is that why you went there?

I wasn't aware of its organized crime emphasis when I enrolled. They don't exactly advertise that in their literature. Although looking back there were a lot of faculty members with "the" in their name.

What do you mean?

You know. Tommy the Fish. Sammy the Blade. Patty the Diversity Coordinator.

So how did you do there?

I graduated second in my class.

Out of how many people?

Two. Our commencement took place right after the Robot Apocalypse and only me and Howard survived.

Howard Blackwell? The lawyer that prosecuted Marietta?

Yes. We've gone head to head more times than I can count.

So you two have a sort of rivalry going.

It's a rivalry the way kicking a puppy is a "rivalry."

I gather he beat you every time.

Well, yeah. I mean, it's easy when you're a prosecutor. You just wave some evidence around and put a few people on the stand to say they did it and the jury goes, "Good enough for us! Guilty!"

If it's so easy, why didn't you become a prosecutor?

I lost the coin flip.

Seriously?

There were only two of us. We couldn't both be prosecutors now, could we?

I think you could have, but fine. So you had an appalling string of losses, case after case, year after year, until one day Marietta Weiss shows up.

Yes.

What was your first reaction when you saw her?

Guilty, guilty, guilty!

Based on the evidence?

Based on those eyes! You ever look in that woman's eyes? Creepy as hell! I mean, if she was your waitress at an IHOP you'd be sure to give her a big tip, because you just know that she's going to murder someone eventually and you didn't want that someone to be you.

Is that why you wanted to go with the insanity defense?

It seemed like the only way to make sure she spent the rest of her life somewhere better than prison.

Which was what, exactly?

Spending the rest of her life in a psych ward.

Is that really better than prison?

Sure. The food is nice and mushy. You have twenty-four seven access to yarn. You get to play Simon Says. And they have cutting edge anti-psychotics in case what "Simon" says gets a little too intense.

Once it was clear you were going to trial, what was your strategy?

Three things: Keep her off the stand. Keep her off the stand. Keep her off the stand.

But she didn't listen.

She was absolutely sure that the jury would believe that her neighbors were zombies. But the jury believed that her neighbors were just people and Marietta had killed them in cold blood. But eventually we learned that Marietta was telling the truth: They were zombies and they were killed in blood that was more-or-less room temperature.

How did you feel about the fact that you didn't believe her?

Look, I thought she was crazy. And let's face it, that woman is a wheel short of a unicycle. But she was also right. Which meant I finally had the innocent client I always dreamed of... and I missed it. Luckily, I have an opportunity to make amends.

And that brings us to your case before the Supreme Court. Can you explain what it's about?

This is kind of technical, but stay with me. Marietta was convicted for murdering people. And of course, those "people"were zombies. Which means that Marietta was actually convicted of murdering zombies.

OK.

Now here's the thing: Marietta's sentence was commuted — which allowed her to go free — but not overturned, which means that she is still guilty of murdering zombies. But! You can't murder zombies, because murder only applies to human beings.

So we have a conundrum. Either zombies aren't human, in which case Marietta's murder conviction needs to be overturned... or zombies are humans! In that event, not only does Marietta's conviction stand, zombies must be considered humans in the eyes of the law, with all the same rights we have.

So essentially, you're asking the Court to weigh in on what makes us human.

Yes. I want them to affirm that zombies are distinctly not humans and are therefore not entitled to any constitutional protections.

So this is really a defining moment for humanity.

It is. And I couldn't think of anyone better than me to argue it in front of the Supreme Court.

Really? Because I couldn't think of anyone worse.

Snicker all you want, but I was the one who got this on the docket through sheer force of will and the financial backing of a shadowy billionaire I've never met.

Fair point. So tell us about the oral arguments.

Howard was up first.

You were up against Howard again?

Not a problem.

You've never won a case against him!

To be fair, I've never won a case against anybody.

So what makes you think you'll win this time?

Because I'm due.

So you're not just bad at criminal laws, you're bad at probability laws, too.

Just let me tell this, OK?

OK.

Howard argued that U.S. Congress defined a "human being" as a Homo sapien who was born alive. Then he talked about the fact that zombies were Homo sapiens.

And then what did he say?

Nothing. That's all he had.

Did the justices ask questions, at least?

Nope. Nobody seemed to care. And Howard just sort of slinked away.

Ouch! So what was your argument?

Honestly, it was more philosophical than strictly legal, about what makes us human. I talked about the soul and love and free will. I argued that we are not merely the sum of our genetics — as stupid Howard seemed to think — but spiritual beings, the holy recipients of God's eternal spark.

And the judges were impressed?

They were spellbound! I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I've never argued with such passion, such conviction, such righteousness! And afterwards, people compared me to Clarence Darrow!

Favorably?

Uh, I assume so. I didn't think to ask.

Look! They're announcing the verdict!

Here we go!

TV REPORTER: In the case of People vs. Marietta Weiss, the Court has reached a unanimous decision.

You hear that? Unanimous!

TV REPORTER: By a nine to zero vote, the Court says... wait, let me make sure I'm reading this right...

Argh! The suspense is killing me!

TV REPORTER: Yes, the court has said... Rrrrr!

(Long, stunned silence)

Maybe you might want to give worm farming another shot.

I think I'll do that.