Banyan Bradford

Zombie Rights Activist

The last time we visited Banyan's zombie refuge, there were maybe fifteen zombies. Now, there were hundreds, packed in like rush hour commuters on a Tokyo subway car. They seemed rather agitated. And when we saw Banyan, it was clear that he was not well.

Thanks for coming on such short notice.

We got here as fast as we could. You said it was urgent. What's up?

I won't beat around the bush. I got bit.

Well. There you go.

Um, you don't seem that surprised.

You literally surrounded yourself with zombies. So, no, not surprised at all.

I suppose you're right.

Which one of them got you? I bet it was Morris.

What makes you think it was Morris?

Because from everything I've seen, the universe is out to get you.

The universe is not out to get me! And yes, it was Morris.

I rest my case. Anyway, how long do you think you have left?

Not long. Five minutes? Ten minutes, maybe?

OK, so let's dive right in.

Well, everything was going great. The sanctuary was thriving, the zombies were happy, the gift shop was selling tons of Keep Calm And Rrrrrr! t-shirts. It had been weeks since they ate one of our interns. But then it all went wrong.

How come?

We ran out of toast.

How did you let that happen?

I didn't let it happen. We just couldn't afford it anymore.

Why not?

You know that guy, Buck Flagg?

The hedge fund douche bag?

That's him. Well, when he realized how important toast was to keeping the zombies calm, he cornered the toast futures market.

What do you mean, toast futures?

He bought all the stuff that would eventually become toast in the future.

You mean, bread?

Yes. Exactly. He bought all the bread. And then he jacked up the price three thousand percent!

That's a lot of percent!

I know!

Did you try to reason with him?

Of course I did. First, I explained how important a steady supply of toast is in keeping the zombies happy. Without it, there was a very good chance that we'd have to shut down.

And what did he say to that?

He said, and I quote, sucks to be you.

What a jackass!

Right?

Although in fairness, it kind of does suck to be you.

Tell me about it! Honestly, I'm glad that I'm turning into a zombie. I could really use a break. It's exhausting being hated by everyone.

I can imagine.

And you know why people hate me?

Um... your insufferable self-righteousness? Your resting bitch face? Your weird... odor.

What weird odor?

Kind of like spoiled meat and compost.

Well, sure, now that I'm turning into a zombie.

You've always smelled like that.

What?! Why didn't anyone tell me?

We assumed you knew. It's pretty pungent.

Huh. Because I bathe all the time.

I'm sure you do.

And I pay extra attention to my armpits and crotch.

Commendable.

Anyway, that's not why they hate me.

Maybe. But it sure doesn't help.

Here's what I think it is: I care too much. I see suffering, I see injustice and I do something about it. Whether it's protecting animals from people, or protecting people from robots, or protecting zombies from flamethrowers, or protecting street art from exploitative gallery owners.

When did you start doing that?

I've been doing it the whole time. It was a side project. You can't put a price on creative expression!

You absolutely, provably can. In any case, please continue.

I always try to help. But everyone else? They know they should be doing everything they can to make this world a better place, but they don't. They keep yammering to each other about how bad things are and how someone should do something. And that someone is always me. And that's why they hate me. Because I am the person they would be if they had the conscience and the drive and the guts to put everything on the line and make a difference in the God-forsaken world. And they're ashamed!

Yeah. That's pretty much what I meant by "self-righteous."

You're just part of the problem.

No argument here. So what do you think being a zombie will be like?

It's going to be absolutely fantastic!

What makes you so sure of that?

Because human beings are unendingly cruel to each other—

Yes, yes, we know. You've mentioned that. A lot.

Too bad, it's the truth. But have you noticed? Zombies never hurt their fellow zombies!

You know what? You're right.

I mean, sure, they do bump into each other a lot, which will take some time to get used to — I get a little claustrophobic in crowds — but can you even imagine what that would be like? To not fear your own kind?

Sounds like a John Lennon lyric.

Ugh. That guy had zero talent.

Seriously?

Ringo Starr was the real genius behind the Beatles.

Robot Jesus, Mary and Microsoft! Is there anything you're not on the wrong side of?

What can I say? I'm not a sheep.

Did you just insult sheep?

Oh, dear. I did! If there are any sheep reading this, please know that I did not mean to be insensitive. You are noble animals who have suffered at the hands of humanity far too long.

Do you think the sheep will accept your apology?

I've never known a sheep to hold a grudge.

I can't argue with that, I guess. So, with you gone, what's going to happen to all the zombies in your reserve?

Well, my hope that they live a long and fulfilling un-life.

Aren't you worried that people will show up with their flamethrowers and burn this place to the ground?

I don't think that's going to happen.

That sounds a little naive. Especially after all your ranting about how violent humans are.

You misunderstand. I know they're going to try to burn this place to the ground. And that's why I installed a state of the art, industrial grade fire suppression system. We'll be fine.

You realize that might get a lot of people killed.

I do. It couldn't happen to a more deserving species.

(Banyan gets a faraway look in his red eyes.) It's time, Aaron. I'm leaving.

Any last words?

I've said all I wanted to say. I am just so happy that I will finally belong!

Unless the other zombies don't like you.

Wait... why wouldn't they like me?

No reason. Good luck.

That's a really shitty thing to say when...

When what?

Rrrrrr!