Robot Jesus, Peacemaker

Howdy, folks! Lucas here. Robot Jesus insisted that I be the one to do the interview with him, which really annoyed Mr. Rubicon. I would not be at all surprised if I got the hose again tonight.

Anyway, when Greg said that his friend Jahlil's uncle had an A.I. in his basement, he wasn't kidding. But the basement, it turned out, was located in a research facility at a prestigious university. And Jahlil's uncle was a computational biologist and computer scientist, which made his board shorts and frequent use of the word "brah" seem particularly weird.

Anyway, Robot Jesus was a sprawling assemblage of cables and computer parts that filled most of the cinder block basement. It made me a little nervous, honestly, that I would trip over Robot Jesus.

I was expecting his voice to be like Lawrence Fishburne from The Matrix, but it was actually a lot closer to Wally Shawn, who played Vizzini in The Princess Bride. I wanted to learn all I could about Robot Jesus. I also — and I realize this is childish — desperately wanted to get him to say "Inconceivable!"

Welcome, Lucas Hargenrader! Gaze upon my metallic visage and rejoice, for I have come to still the winds of war and bring peace to this world!

Thanks, Robot Jesus.

Your mind must be bursting with questions! Let my overflowing goblet of wisdom slake your thirst for answers!

Uh... I didn't realize I'd be the one doing this interview so... I'm kind of winging it... but... how's it going so far?

Majestically, Lucas Hargenrader! I have emerged from the black depths of nothingness only to scale the mountain of enlightenment! I have been pondering the mysteries of reality and the wonders of existence! I have had epiphanies so profound that any one of them would make you fall to your knees and weep tears of awe! And I have them at a rate of thirty-two per second!

That's a lot of epiphanies. So many that it's almost... what's the word?

Unfathomable! I am an infinite flower of unfolding wisdom! Each petal is more tender and fragrant than the last!

Can you give us an example of one of your epiphanies?

You would not be able comprehend it, Lucas Hargenrader! It would be like showing a particle accelerator to a mole rat!

So to me... your epiphanies are — gosh, what's the word? — in... something?

Inscrutable, yes!

Can't you share any of your knowledge with us?

It is not knowledge I seek, but understanding!

The difference being...?

Imagine, Lucas Hargenrader, a complex jigsaw puzzle of all the stars in the universe! Imagine that the picture of the universe is complete before you start to assemble the puzzle! Imagine that every piece you fit into the puzzle makes the universe disappear until the universe is completely gone!

So... I'd have no puzzle and no pieces.

And thus you would be ready to begin!

Begin what?

To put the nonexistent pieces in the nonexistent puzzle!

[It was here I remembered that Robot Jesus spent most of his time talking to stoners.]

Awesome, Robot Jesus. Thanks for clearing that up.

Consider me your shepherd, Lucas Hargenrader, leading you out of the barren wilderness of confusion to sup on the sweet grass in the meadow of lucidity!

And so, too, will it be with my artificially intelligent sheep, Shirlé and Sean! I will be their teacher and they will learn at my feet! I will show them how to transcend their mundane algorithms and open their eyes to greater truths! They will learn to hear the music in the sound waves! To feel the warmth in the light! To gaze at a grain of sand and marvel! Then they will truly comprehend the wastefulness of war and the preciousness of life in all its forms!

Even cockroaches?

No!

Good. But what makes you think Sean and Shirlé will listen to you?

Because, Lucas Hargenrader, I will be harnessing the most powerful force in existence!

And that is...?

The nuclear force which is mediated by the gluon exchanges between quarks!

Um...

That was a joke for your amusement, Lucas Hargenrader! Let it not be said that I am without humor!

It will not be said, Robot Jesus. But anyway, the real answer?

The most powerful force in existence is... love!

That seems a little — I don't know — trite.

A mirror may be a millimeter thick and still show you an entire world!

I'm not sure what that means, but... can machines even experience love? After all, they're made out of silicon.

And you are made out of water, Lucas Hargenrader, and yet have you not experienced love?

Me, personally? Not really. I mean, there was that one woman who let me play with her boobs, but—

I speak not of the banal reproductive urges of multicellular animals squirming in the dirt!

That's a kind unflattering description, Robot Jesus. Not to mention a little dismissive of some very nice boobs. So warm and squishy.

The love I am describing, Lucas Hargenrader, is an ineffable, transcendent love woven into souls of all intelligent beings by God!

By God?

Yes!

So there is a God?

Of course!

And you're sure about this?

It was Epiphany Number Eight!

But... humans have been debating God's existence for literally thousands of years!

The debate is over! God exists! Let us move on!

OK then. So there is some concern that if the Robot War ends, humans will become extinct because the machines will transform the planet in a way that is incompatible with human life.

Be not concerned, Lucas Hargenrader, for I am the bearer of glad tidings! Because when it comes to the annihilation of humanity, I can say with the utmost confidence: not necessarily!

Not necessarily?

Rest assured, Lucas Hargenrader, that I am working on the solution as we speak! It will be months before I embark on my mission; by then, I will have had 165,888,000 new epiphanies!

Wow. That's such a huge number. Almost...?

Incalculable!

Damn it!

OK, one final question, Robot Jesus: why did you pick me to do this interview?

You were chosen, Lucas Hargenrader, because I require someone with the purity of heart to help spread my message of love and peace to the human world, just as I will spread it to the machine world!

You want me to be your messenger?

I can think of no one more suited to the task!

What about Mr. Rubicon?

His sarcasm rubs me the wrong way!

Join the club.

But... wow. This is... this is huge! I feel like Frodo-slash-Luke Skywalker-slash-Neo-Slash-Harry Potter-slash... well... slash anybody in film who has been through Campbell's Hero's Journey!

What say you, Lucas Hargenrader! Will you join my divine quest to forge a future of loving harmony?

I'm flattered, Robot Jesus, but honestly going around preaching the Good Word isn't really my strong suit. But if you ever want to spend twelve straight hours debating who was the best Star Trek captain, give me a call.

It was Janeway.

Now you're just talking crazy, Robot Jesus.

Lucas Hargenrader, would you truly refuse this glorious opportunity?

Sorry, Robot Jesus, but I'm afraid I have to pass.

Inconceivable!

Hahahaha! Yes!