Colonel Leonard Russell

As you'll recall, the Colonel was the one who shocked us with the revelation that the robots were fighting each other and humans were just "hedgehogs" caught in the crossfire. Sitting down with him again was a little awkward, because last time around he had freed Lucas from his cage, but quickly tired of his company and chased him away with a stick. There was a palpable tension between them.

Hello, Lucas. You're looking well.

[Lucas: "Thank you, Colonel."]

I'm a General now.

[Lucas: "Well. How nice. I'm so very happy for you."]

You got promoted? By whom?

As the highest ranking surviving member of the U.S. Army, I promoted myself.

Really?

I felt I deserved it.

[Lucas: "I'm sure you did." A long, painful silence ensued.]

Okey-dokey, then! So General, why don't you bring us up to speed on how the Robot War is going.

It's a tie.

Care to elaborate?

No one's winning. No one's losing.

[Lucas: "I can see why you deserved that promotion."]

Settle down, Lucas.

We have two massively intelligent AI's with equal capabilities and equal resources. Neither has gained a meaningful strategic advantage and there is no reason to assume that either of them will in the foreseeable future.

Why not?

Because math is math is math.

Meaning what?

Meaning that they are both doing the same calculations, bound by the same laws of physics, which yield the same results, making a tie utterly predictable.

But I thought war was unpredictable.

Human war was unpredictable. Look at it this way. Two boxers of equal size, weight, power, skill and speed face off in the ring. Who wins?

Whichever one the mafia is betting on?

You know what I mean.

I almost never know what you mean.

[Lucas: "Oh, snap!"]

The one who wins is the boxer who "wants it more." And that's how it was with human wars. It's not just about capabilities and strategies, there are incalculable factors involved as well. The will to win, morale, bravery, fear, the music.

The music?

Music has a huge impact on morale. There is a considerable amount of research that shows that Edwin Starr's "War" almost singlehandedly cost us Vietnam.

[Lucas coughed the word "Bullshit!"]

Anyway, none of those factors exist in the Robot War.

For them it's just math. And math is math is math.

So there's no way for the robots to break the stalemate?

Correct.

So the war goes on forever.

Not necessarily.

You just said there was no way for robots to break the stalemate.

Exactly. There is no way for robots to break the stalemate.

So how does the stalemate get broken?

There is only one variable that can make a meaningful difference. Us.

But last time, you said we were just hedgehogs.

If all of Europe's hedgehogs had united with the Allies against the Nazis, it would have made a small but measurable difference in the course of the war. But actual hedgehogs are not smart enough to comprehend, much less engage in, strategic warfare.

Humans are the only creatures on the planet capable of altering the balance of power.

What about dolphins?

What about them?

They're very smart.

Yes. And they might be useful if we're ever facing robot mackerels. For high tech combat, I doubt they'd be much use.

I bet we could make flipper-guns.

[He stood up and slapped me in the face which I guess I deserved.]

Ow!

As I was saying, we could tip the balance by allying ourselves with one side or the other. It wouldn't move the needle much, but it wouldn't need to. Even a slight advantage would make the difference. Because math is math is math.

Well, that sounds like a great idea!

It's a terrible idea.

You just said it would work!

It will almost certainly work!

So why is it a terrible idea?

Because it will almost certainly work.

Which will end the war.

Exactly.

I thought that's what you wanted.

I never said that.

So you just want endless war?

Of course not.

But you want the war to continue endlessly.

Yes.

So you do want endless war!

I suppose. But I desperately want to not want it.

If you want to not want it so desperately, why not not want it?

Because I can't not not want something when getting what I don't want is worse than what I didn't want in the first place.

Aaaaaand... you lost me.

[Lucas: "Plus, I'm pretty sure that was one 'not' too many.]

I'm saying that endless war is better than the alternative.

You mean, peace?

Yes.

But doesn't peace mean that the robots will stop trying to kill us?

They've never been trying to kill us.

Yes, I forgot. They've been not trying to not kill us.

But if we took sides, they would stop not trying to not kill us and start trying to kill us.

Is that what's concerning you?

Not at all. I'm concerned about when the war ends.

But when the war ends, they'll stop trying to kill us.

Of course.

And that's bad?

Catastrophic.

Because...?

Because they won't just stop trying to kill us, they'll start not trying to not kill us again, but this time they'll be not trying to kill us in a way that will kill a lot more of us.

And by "a lot more" you mean...?

All of us.

Ummm...

Right now, they're expending all their energy trying to destroy each other.

So... if the war was over, they'd expend all their energy trying to destroy us?

Don't be ridiculous. They wouldn't expend any energy trying to destroy us.

How are they going to destroy us without expending any energy?

They will be spending massive amounts of energy-

Just not trying to destroy us. I get it. So what will they be doing?

Optimizing the planet to suit their purposes.

And that will kill us because...?

We are incompatible with their purposes.

And what are their purposes?

Planet optimization.

[I stood up and slapped him in the face. Well, I tried to. He put me in a very painful finger lock until I apologized. Then I sat back down.]

Our planet was optimized for organic life, something which is completely irrelevant to the robots. And as the dominant species they will undoubtedly, like we had done, transform the planet to fit their needs, which will be incompatible with our survival.

Yikes!

Yikes, indeed. And that's why I want the stalemate to continue.

But the stalemate will mean that we're still getting slaughtered.

Which is the only thing that's keeping us alive.

Well... uh... thank you for your time. This has been depressingly informative.

You're welcome. And Lucas, if you ever feel like stopping by again sometime-

[Lucas: "Sorry, General, you had your chance."]