Stephanie Hsu, Animation Artist

I'm not going to lie to you people. This chapter is filler. Essentially, we're all holding our breath, waiting to see what happens when Robot Jesus finally makes contact with Sean and Shirlé and either saves or destroys humanity.

Place your bets!

In the meantime, though, I am doing a somewhat off-topic interview at Lucas's request.

Here's the back story:

A few days ago, Lucas and I were taking a walk outside when suddenly Lucas got all excited.

He said: "At the risk of sounding like R2D2 when he realized Princess Leia was being held prisoner on the Death Star: I found her! She's here! She's here!"

And I said: "What the hell are you talking about?"

And he said, "OK, technically, it was C3PO translating for R2D2, but—"

(Nerds, man. Nerds.)

"No, I mean, who's here?"

"The girl! The girl with the boobs!"

I looked in the direction he was pointing and it was indeed a girl. With boobs. As advertised.

So. Remember when Lucas escaped from his cage and wandered around for a while? Well, as you'll recall, during that trek he met a girl who let him "play with her boobs" then ran off, breaking his heart. He never even found out her name.

This was her.

I suggested to Lucas that he talk to The Girl With The Boobs but he didn't want to. First off, he's painfully shy. Second, she unceremoniously dumped him. And third, he was in his cage — I had recently attached wheels, which made moving him around a snap — and he assumed, correctly I think, that women don't typically find that attractive.

Lucas begged me to interview her, under the guise of getting her opinions about the Robot Apocalypse, to discreetly find out if she liked him. And, if so, to see if she also liked him liked him. It was all very high school, but I figured it would be a welcome distraction.

And here she is...

I never thought of myself as a workaholic, but I worked all the time. My job was all that mattered and everything on my bucket list — meeting my soulmate, seeing the world, coming up with more items for my bucket list — would have to wait. I was like an office Nazgûl slavishly devoted to the Sauron of success.

Um... OK.

Then the robots came. They obliterated our studio, which went up like the shark in Jaws, complete with explosion and raining meat. I was literally watching my entire world collapse. And I realized: I could have died! I could have died in my cubicle! In that moment, I saw my life for what it really was. Someone had turned off the Matrix and — guess what? — there is no spoon!

[She goes on quite a long time about this. Long story short: Stephanie decided to live for today! And leaving everything behind except what she could carry in her Sanrio Hello Kitty Floral Style Backpack, she hit the road on a journey of exploration and empowerment! So let's skip ahead a bit...]

[flips pages in notebook]

...I came to a crystal clear lake and swimming in it was Tristan. Holy Frak! He looked like Chris Hemsworth in that deleted scene from Age of Ultron, minus the lightning!

I don't have any idea what that is supposed to mean.

He was hot.

Got it.

And as soon as I saw him, I decided I had to have him. Which was not like me at all. For years, my sex life had been nonexistent. I had so many requirements before I would let a guy get close to me. They had to run this impossible gauntlet; sticking their hands in a Flash Gordon tree stump where everybody got stung.

Once again, in English?

I had high standards. At least that's what I told myself. In reality, it was insecurity. It was all insecurity. Isolating myself, rejecting people before they could reject me.

So I went for it.

It was amazing! And not just because he was gorgeous. Although he was. And not just because he knew what he was doing. Although he did. But mostly because he was really, really stupid.

I don't get it.

Because the pre-Apocalypse me would have rejected him out of hand! And I would have missed out on a mind-blowing experience! But this time, rather than demand that he reach some impossible standard, I just appreciated what was good about him.

A few days later, I met Gregor. He was a little overweight, but he was so funny. We had a wonderful night together...

[OK, we get it, right? She learned that she should focus on what's good about people and then have sex with them. And since there are a lot more names on her list, let's skip ahead to Lucas.]

[flips pages in notebook]

...and I don't know whether it was the brilliant moon or the peyote, but Naalnish and I melded into one cosmic...

[flip]

...Alex deep inside me, whispering a poem about my beauty that he had composed on the spot...

[flip]

...felt the irresistible urge to explore every inch of Renaldo's body with my tongue...

[flip]

...on my period so Tony and I mostly just talked...

[flip]

...never met a guy who could lick his own eyebrows before, but Craig...

[flip]

...the waves crashing on the shore, Warren transported me to a world of pure pleasure where orgasms were money and I was Jeff Bezos...

[flip]

...and then I met Lucas.

Finally!

What?

Um, nothing. So tell me: what was your first impression of... what was his name again?

Lucas. I thought he was reasonably cute. Kind of an Anthony-Michael-Hall-in-The-Breakfast-Club-meets-Justin-Long-in-Galaxy-Quest-with-a-dash-of-Michael-Cera-in-Scott-Pilgrim type, if you know what I mean.

I do not.

And he definitely knew his way around The Justice League and Attack On Titan. Although his Klingon left something to be desired, but [shrugs] Hoch pagh Daghajchugh.

And you're into all that, too, I take it.

Are you kidding? I love that stuff! I told you I spent years working in animation. Even by geek standards, we were geeks. Dungeons & Dragons players would mock us. The Magic: The Gathering people would beat us up for our lunch money.

Sounds like you and this "Lucas" fellow were kindred spirits.

I thought the exact same thing! There was something about him that appealed to the old repressed me and the new liberated me!

But there was one problem. He didn't like me.

Really? What makes you say that?

Well, first off, he never bothered to find out my name. And he made it very obvious that he didn't find me attractive. He had no interest whatsoever in making love to me!

That can't possibly be true. Maybe he was just waiting for you to give him a signal.

A signal? You mean like stripping off my own clothes and then taking his hands and placing them on my breasts?

Umm... well... that could mean anything!

Seriously?

No. [sigh] So what did he do?

Well, for a while he just stared at them like Tim Roth looking into the Pulp Fiction briefcase. Then he just sort of... squished them together. Like he was trying to mold them into one big Cyclops tit.

Good Lord.

And then, in the morning, he took off without even saying goodbye!

Are you fucking kidding me?!

No! I went into the woods to pee and when I came back: gone!

Maybe you gave him the impression that you weren't coming back.

I left him a note.

Saying what?

This funny little joke about me been eaten by squirrels. You know, to keep things light after the awkwardness of the previous night. I thought the Monty Python-esque absurdity that would appeal to him. You know, like The Castle of Aaargh.

Again, no idea what you're talking about.

Honestly, I was stunned! I've met a lot of guys during my travels—

No kidding.

—and honestly, not all of them were winners. Sometimes we didn't click. But they were never jerks about it!

I mean, I'm not a romantic. I don't need a proposal from a soaking wet Mr. Darcy, or John Cusack hoisting a boom box in the air — especially if it's playing Peter Gabriel's mid-'80s yuppie crap — but when I offer to sleep with you—

You want to sleep with me?

I meant the royal "you."

Oh.

Although I'd be up for it.

I'll pass, thanks. Anyway, you were saying?

When I offer to sleep with someone, I expect a certain amount of basic courtesy. Is that unreasonable?

No. But... have you considered the possibility that Lucas isn't a jerk; he's just charmingly naive?

Ha! I'd say that "charmingly naive" has left the Stargate.

Listen. I know he handled things badly, but I think you might want to give him another chance.

Why? And why do you care?

The truth is, he's my friend. Well, more my employee. Employee-slash-prisoner, actually. But he's a good guy! He feels really bad about what happened!

Is that what this interview was about?

Yeah.

This is ridiculous! If he wants a second chance, why not ask me himself?

Because he lives in a cage.

I assume that's a metaphor for his severe social awkwardness.

Um... sure. Let's go with that.

Trust me, he's a good guy. Plus, he likes all the weird geek things you like. You said you once thought he might be a kindred spirit. Well, maybe he is.

Maybe.

So why not give him another chance and find out?

It's tempting. But the thing is, I just met somebody.

Of course you did.

He's really good-looking and tremendously self-confident. And while you wouldn't know it to look at him, he knows a ton about science!

Oh, Carbon-Based Jesus!

He says he's interested in learning all about animation. And all about me. By which I'm pretty sure he means sex.

You know what? Fine. Throw away a chance for a real connection, for real happiness! But let me tell you this: when you change your mind — and you will change your mind — you're going to find out that Lucas has moved on and it's too late!

Really?

Yes.

Wait, on second thought... no. He'll die a virgin without you. Our door is always open. Come back anytime!