Tyler Stevens

When we tell people that we are writing a book about the Robot Apocalypse, the question we are most frequently asked is: "Why doesn't someone just travel back in time to stop the Robot Apocalypse before it starts?"

(The second most asked question is: "Why is Lucas so pale?" Answer: Sunlight allergy and a diet consisting almost exclusively of Pringles potato chips and root weevils.)

Clearly, the time travel question is due to the popular Terminator movie franchise. My usual reply — "Maybe when you're looking for valid scientific information, Arnold Schwarzenegger films shouldn't be your first choice." — only seemed to make people angry, especially since Lucas usually added, "Duh."

So as a public service, and to avoid getting beaten up again, we decided to consult with an expert who could hopefully settle the question. We wanted to get in touch with theoretical physicist Dr. In-Sook Oh, but unfortunately she wasn't available due to injuries sustained falling down a not-at-all theoretical well.

The best we could do was to enlist the services of Tyler Stevens, who by a stunning coincidence, had spent the last fourteen months, in his word, "slipping it to her."

And to clear up any possible confusion, by "slipping it to her" he means "sex."

Hey, man. Great to be back. I'm a little surprised you wanted to talk to me again. I kind of thought you didn't like me.

[long pause]

So I gather you're close to Dr. In-Sook Oh.

I know her very intimately. Outside and in. Eight-and-a-half inches in, if you get my meaning.

I think I do.

I'm very well-endowed, is the point.

I'm happy for you.

You know who you should be happy for? Dr. Oh. Or as I like to call her, Dr. Oh-face.

Clever.

'Cause I made her orgasm a lot.

Thanks for clarifying.

With my large penis.

Super. So then. Time travel: is it even possible?

The scientific community is split, but Oh-face definitely believes it is. Or at least she did before the whole Well Incident. We'll know more when she comes out of the coma.

We wish her a speedy recovery.

I'm sure she'll be fine. She's used to being in comas. Although [grins] usually they're a different kind of coma.

OK, so—

Sex coma, is what I'm getting at.

Anyway... can the present be changed by going back in time?

Well, that depends on your paradigm. Are we adopting Novikov's assumption of only one accessible timeline? Or are we adopting Everett's "many worlds" interpretation of quantum mechanics?

Boom! Oh, yeah! How'd that taste, bitch? You just got a quantum boot in your general relativity ass!

OK, we get it. You know a lot about this subject.

I do. Oh-face liked to handcuff me to the headboard and read to me from A Brief History of Time. You don't think of theoretical physicists as being kinky, but man! Plus, she was always up for a threesome. Or as I call it, the double-slit experiment.

Ew! Gross! Jesus, Tyler! What's wrong with you?

[Note: I have since learned that a "double-slit experiment" is actually one of the most famous demonstrations in the history of quantum mechanics, but still... gross!]

OK, so, back to the issue at hand...

Right. Well, if we assume one timeline — which was Oh-face's preference — then we could potentially change the past in a way that could affect the present. But there is the time paradox problem.

Which is...?

Check it out. I go back in time and kill my grandfather. Which means I never existed. Which means I couldn't have killed my grandfather. Which means I did exist. Which means I did kill my grandfather. Which means I didn't exist!

Oy.

Now this paradox has some potential quantum solutions, which is awesome if you're a photon, but it's still a problem for us because we live on a macro level. [smiles] Some of us more macro than others.

Is that another reference to your penis?

My very large penis, yes.

Noted. So how do we deal with this time paradox?

One theory is that there are as-yet undiscovered physical laws that prevent the creation of these time paradoxes in the first place; in this scenario, you couldn't kill your own grandfather, because the universe wouldn't allow it. The other theory is that nothing would actually prevent you from killing your own grandfather and the paradox would tear our reality apart.

Boom! Yes! Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier! Man, I am just killing it today!

So how do we know which scenario is true?

We don't. But look, none of this matters anyway, because there are basically four plausible methods of time travel: an Einstein-Rosen bridge, a supermassive black hole, cosmic strings or speed-of-light travel, none of which was remotely achievable before civilization was destroyed, so we're certainly not going to achieve it now.

Boom! [drops an imaginary microphone]

OK, but sake of argument: someone finds a way to go back in time and they are careful and avoid the time paradoxes. Couldn't they do exactly what people are hoping and stop the Robot Apocalypse before it starts?

You mean by, like, killing John McCarthy?

A lot of people consider him the father of Artificial Intelligence.

I knew that.

[Note: I didn't know that, but I didn't want to give Tyler another excuse to yell "Boom!"]

So you're proposing a version of the "let's stop World War II by killing Hitler" scenario.

Yes.

Well, here's the thing about that. In 1944, there was something called Operation Foxley which was a British plan to end World War II by assassinating Hitler. The plan was abandoned when the Brits realized that Hitler was such a terrible military strategist that whoever replaced him was bound to be a heck of a lot better.

Boom! That's right, motherfuckers! I do science! I do history! Don't mess with me, because I am a multidisciplinary badass!

So you're saying that killing Hitler would have been counterproductive because it would have lengthened the war!

Correct. And speaking of lengthened...

[sigh] So how do you know all this World War 2 trivia?

I used to bang the famous historian, Dr. Doris Kearns Goodwin.

Wow. You definitely have a type.

What can I say? There's just something about brainy ladies that makes me want to bang them.

What a romantic sentiment. Is that Keats or Byron?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I take it you haven't banged an English professor yet.

No, but it's on my to-do list.

OK, so bottom line: what do I tell people who insist that time travel can stop The Robot Apocalypse?

Tell them that, maybe, when they're looking for valid scientific information, Arnold Schwarzenegger films shouldn't be their first choice.

Duh.