I had Leukemia as a kid.

Blinking my eyes. Making sense of those words. The incredible weight those words have. What they mean. 

I bought him a plush tiger from the gift shop before we left. Holding his hand as we walked around the hospital afterwards, asking if he wanted to eat at the restaurant inside, but he didn't want to. Not hungry. Worrying if it was a symptom. 

He's anemic.

Holding that paper in my hand, the one that says he's anemic. That's the diagnosis. It has to do with blood, his red blood cells. Leukemia has to do with blood, too. This diagnosis, making what he said worse. 

Beef. There's iron in beef. Maybe, if we eat beef it can give him iron and that can help his body create red blood cells. Maybe, if he's not anemic anymore this will all go away and what he told me will just be a story. 

He doesn't want to eat, though. Is that a symptom? Thinking this again.

I named his plush tiger "Fairy". He liked that. 

At home, holding him on the couch. A whole day had gone by. Thinking. He'd been favoring the couch lately. Sitting there more. Why didn't I notice? Was that a symptom, too? Was he tired? I found him on the couch, sleeping. Or maybe, he was passed out like in the ambulance. How am I supposed to tell the difference? 

Holding him on the couch as an American action movie plays on TV, dubbed in Japanese. Watching it with him just to watch it. Something to do. A distraction. We didn't eat yet. He's not hungry. He usually cooks for us, but he's tired. 

Should I order something? Something with beef? He likes noodles with beef pieces, from the Chinese place around the corner. Is that enough beef? Will he want to eat it, or eat it at all? Does he feel nauseous?

He ate beef recently, that same dish. It didn't help? Will it not help now?

"Tata."

Oh.

I nodded, but he couldn't see it. Holding him, and he's holding his plush tiger. Holding Fairy tightly, just like I'm holding him. Holding him for dear life. Holding him too tight, I realize. Does he feel that?

"Tata. Can I tell you about when I had cancer?"

The sudden urge to pee. Everything dropping downward in my body, all this pressure. No breath. Nodding again, but he can't see it. My arms, going tighter around him. Feeling his own breath, how hitched it is, but he's trying to let it go. Nervous?

My chin went on his shoulder, pressing my cheek to his ear. Closing my eyes. Rainbow colored lights dancing on my eyelids from the TV. I don't even know the story of the movie. I haven't paid attention that much. Rocking him back and forth a little, maybe to soothe myself more than for him. I can't make sense of anything.

A long breath from him. "Well..." 

Kissing his cheek, trying to make him relax. Kissing again, but this time getting his ear. Pressing my face to those kisses. Loving him, no matter what. Wanting to know these things, but my body... Fear.

"I was two, maybe. My mom told me. I don't remember it. Well, I remember flashes. Some weird things, that I don't have context for. A hospital I'm sure I've never been in. Pain."

"Pain..." My voice is pinched. Not wanting him to hear that, but... This time is for him. He shouldn't be concerned about me. His cheek pressed more to mine. 

"Yes. Not terrible. Not unbearable, but. I don't know. I don't have the context for it."

"Oh."

"Yeah... So, I don't know much about this stuff. I know I'm anemic, and I've had bouts of that before. Never like this, but I don't know. I don't think we should be scared. It's probably not that, but with my history... I'm hoping I'm just anemic and it'll go away like before. Maybe I need to do something else, get more exercise. I know since the pandemic started I've been exercising less. That's not good for me. Maybe we can join a gym..."

I just nodded rapidly, my chin digging into his shoulder. Anything he wanted, we'd do it. 

He sighed again, and my arms adjusted on him. Holding him differently, grabbing him to myself. He relaxed more. 

"That paper we got. It says there's 'anomalies' in my blood. I don't know what that means, but it makes me scared. It says I have to follow up with my general doctor, but I'm scared to. That's the honest truth-"

"I'll go with you. You don't need to be scared."

Interrupting him, but I couldn't bear him being scared. My eyes were warm, pressure on them. Crying now wouldn't be good. It would make him worried about me, and he had enough to worry about. I had to be strong for him. That was the only thought in my mind now.

"Okay." Said quieter, unsure. His head leaned back, seeking me out for support. I adjusted again, rewrapping my arms around him. They got around Fairy, too. Hugging everything about him. 

A little time passed, the movie went on. I didn't get any of it. Slowly, he began speaking again. Disturbing things, but I had to be strong, even if those words made me sick to my stomach. Imagining him...

"Cancer makes me think of lots of tubes everywhere. It's scary to me. Reminds me of a gas mask, with that scariness of it. It's there to help you, but it looks so scary. It will save your life, but it's creepy. All those tubes. I don't know what they go to. I don't want to think about it. If I get Leukemia again... What are the chances of that? Getting it again as an adult? Cancers recur, I know. But, I never thought about it. My mom told me I had cancer, but I never thought I'd get it again. Maybe I'm running away with this. My own fears getting the best of me. Maybe it's just anemia. Anemia is serious, too. I don't know the root cause of it. I can't discount it, but having anemia would be a billion years better than having cancer."

I just nodded, not knowing what to say. Just as confused, my insides pinching at every word. He wasn't done, though. Venting to me. I could only listen, trying to provide comfort. Some kind of comfort for him...

"I don't know. I have this feeling of dread deep inside. Some people say they just know. Before they're diagnosed. There's something wrong. Is that what it is?"

I didn't know. I had dread, too, but from what he was describing? It was unfathomable to me.

Just a few days ago, we'd been at a restaurant looking for cute guys to gawk at. Just a few days ago, we'd been at the bar laughing and eating chicken and fries with everybody. How did we get here? It seemed so far away. 

And suddenly...

I adjusted myself again, turning off the TV with a remote on my phone. Making to get off the couch. The movie had started at 8pm, and maybe it was halfway over or almost over. The night was still young. 

"Huh? Where are you going?" He was so calm. Telling me these things, so calm. He wasn't different than usual. He was my rock, always so steady. And now...

I got off the couch, and I was pulling at him. He got up slowly, holding Fairy. His hair was messy from my being all over him. He wasn't wearing anything fancy, a sand colored t-shirt with some florals on it. Some dark jeans and a belt. White socks that didn't go with it. 

There was an event tonight at the bar. Something that had nothing to do with us. I'd arranged it a month ago, intended to be there, but now we had... I pulled his hand more, going into the kitchen. Lupin was there on the little carpeted cat ledge we'd hung next to the window, staring outside. 

I squatted down, getting a pair of sneakers for him. Taking my own shoes from the shoe holder next to our door. Placing his shoes in front of his feet. Standing up and stepping into mine. 

"Huh? Are we going somewhere?" he asked, caught off guard. He'd just been speaking to me about something so serious. 

My hands went on his shoulders, face to face with him. He looked so innocent right now, unsure. My hands slipped down onto his back, pressing him to me again. Closing my eyes. Breathing deeply. His arms went around me, too. I felt Fairy on my back. He was still holding her. 

"We're going to the bar. We're going to see everybody. You're going to not think about this or worry. You're going to eat food."

"Oh. Okay." Still unsure. 

Taking charge of the situation. Giving him some semblance of normalcy. That's what he needed. 

"Okay?" Gentler now, asking his permission. But, he needed this. He needed to go out where it was familiar. He nodded to me, that too innocent expression still there. Breaking my heart. 

I watched him step into his sneakers, saw him crouch down to tie them. Waiting for him. He looked so normal, but what if we were going towards something...

The next moment, I quickly grabbed my keys and our wallets from the essentials holder next to the door. I took his hand, and watched him place Fairy carefully on that same table. Without looking back, I gently pulled him out into the hallway. 

No looking back. Focusing on the jangling sound of my keys. Just to focus on anything else.