I'd felt guilty all day. Ashamed to text him. Yelling at him hadn't been right. I'd gone to see Miyuki, discussing Heizou's dress. This was the first discussion, and Heizou would be in the next one. He'd meet her formally at Cinderella Bar, since it was the middle ground between her atelier and where he lived. I didn't want him to have to travel that far. Besides, Cinderella Bar was a safe environment for the two of them. Knowing Heizou, he might get overwhelmed and flee if I took him to Miyuki's. He had so much respect for her. So, this was the best decision.

But, I couldn't think about that. I was distracted during the entire meeting with Miyuki. She knew something was off, asking me about it over and over. "You're not yourself, what's wrong? You're scaring me." Taking my hands, but I took them away again. Leaving early, because I just couldn't take it anymore.

So many conflicting emotions. Being more than upset that Yuki had deleted at least half of his YouTube channel overnight, likely when I was asleep, because I usually visited it before I went to bed. Watching him when he was younger, seeing him play familiar favorites but they were entirely new again. He made them new again, so beautiful, and there was my beautiful boy making it real. It was just like reliving that moment when I'd first seen him, over and over. He'd often be in what must have been his old apartment or even his parents' house. The same keyboard that he didn't have anymore next to a beautiful window with a large tree outside in various stages of seasons. 

It showed me the evolution of his music. What he was interested in, from such an early age. Seeing him getting better at his playing, mostly with the addition of emotion. Wondering about him, analyzing. 

Now, it was all gone, and I couldn't help my tears.

I was trying to eat gelato at a cafe, but I couldn't enjoy it. Being mad at him, but also so sad. He'd told me he didn't have those videos anymore. I'd never see them. I was completely devastated, and I didn't know how to get over that feeling. I loved him intensely, but how can you be mad at the same person that you love at the same time? I'd been mad at other people I'd dated before. But, nothing matched this. Intensely loving him, wondering what he was doing, but being so mad I couldn't pick up my phone. And the guilt that I'd treated him wrongly... What had I been thinking? But not knowing how to apologize, because I was still so mad. 

Would it get better with time? But, once again, how could I get over losing those potential memories of him? 

By 6pm, I came home. We'd be going to the bar together later. It wasn't an event night, but there'd be light music and there'd be people wanting to see us. We wouldn't be in drag, but that was okay. Our regulars knew that we sometimes weren't in drag. It only made me think of the videos more. Now his channel didn't have him in male clothes at all. But, I could still see him perform in male clothes. Maybe as a redemption, I'd ask him to play some of his old favorite songs if he remembered them up on stage tonight. It might make me feel better. But, I couldn't ask him that. I'd mistreated him, so I was the one who had to apologize. In reality, had he done anything wrong? I couldn't figure that out. I'd definitely done something wrong. I knew I felt upset at him, but was it justified? I was plagued by this. 

When I put my key into the lock, the door swung open. Staring at the door knob, curious at it. Why would he leave the door unlocked? I'd even locked when I'd left. I always did. But, I'd left so abruptly today. Had I locked it? Had he not locked it behind me? I'd upset him, I knew. His face in the hallway this morning... I was so sorry. So, so sorry. But, I didn't know how to face him. 

Cautiously, I entered our apartment, but was met with two loudly meowing cats coming toward me. I scooped up Flowercoat, and Lupin pawed at my leg in a stretching position. My eyes went directly to their food bowls and they were empty. He'd normally have given them their  dinners by now. Strange...

I went to our living room, and Yuki wasn't there. As I went down the hallway, that exact spot where we'd fought, I felt a terrible pain of guilt in my heart. I'd never look at that part of the hallway the same again. 

When I saw our bedroom door was open and looked inside to see him not there either, panic set in. He was always home when I came home. I usually knew exactly where he was, because I'd ask him. But now? 

I let Flowercoat down and she immediately started crying. Taking her cue, Lupin started crying, too. Their food bowls. They were empty. These meowings. It could only mean one thing. 

As I dialed Yuki's number and pressed my phone to my ear, I went to our pantry for their food. 

He hadn't fed them today. He always fed them. That could only mean...

The phone went directly to voice mail. In my panic, I dropped the bag of cat food and the food went everywhere in the kitchen. The cats immediately descended upon it and I swore without meaning to. I put my phone in my pocket, because it was useless now. Trying to clean up the food and get the cats away from it, but-

My phone started ringing. I shot up from my squat and felt my body creak with age. Ignoring the pain, I scrambled for it. Gasping and holding it to my ear. Wanting to cry. 

"Where are you?!" I cried out, just like the cats. The same, desperate tone. I watched them eat on below me, undeterred by my efforts but-

"The hospital..." such a weak voice. 

I gasped again, even worse. "I'll be right there. I'll be right there! Oh no- Oh no-" Panicking. My mind only went to one thing. "Is it covid? Yuuuki, oh no- I'm coming over there! Which hospital is it?!" 

I decided to let the cats have the food. I left the apartment faster than I had this morning, the memory of it stinging in my chest. 

He looked small under the hospital blanket. He was laid there on his side, breathing shallowly, his eyes closed. A saline bag was giving him much need hydration and sodium. I was holding both of his hands warmly in mine by his bedside as he tried to sleep. 

He'd tried to explain to me what happened, but he was so weak. He'd gotten a very bad migraine, something that almost never happened for him. It didn't go away with pain medication. His heart was racing and wouldn't slow down. So, he'd called emergency services. He'd been diagnosed quickly with severe hydration, and he'd been sheepish when he told me. Said it was his fault, his mistake. He hadn't been drinking as much as usual, and that combined with his terrible diarrhea from a few days ago had been a perfect storm. Plus, he was definitely going through caffeine withdrawal, which just made the headache even worse. 

"I really should have gone to the hospital that first day when I had diarrhea," he'd sighed. "But, you know me. I brave things out. I really shouldn't."

I was so sorry I'd ever been mad at him. Seeing him like this. Nothing else mattered. It seemed so insignificant now. He was my everything, and he was still sick. Had my being angry at him in part caused this? Stressed him out? I felt so wrong, but now he was trying to sleep. I couldn't do anything. Embarrassed, guilty, everything. I could only hold his hands. 

He let out a long breath. "Hey," he said in such a small voice. I got so close to his face. If he could see mine, he'd see how sorry I was, but his eyes were closed. I was glad they were closed. 

"Yes?" I asked, no doubt a fear in my voice. Would he think I was scared for him? I was. But, there was so much more there-

"Let's go out for steak after this. Um...I'm sorry... You like steak."

Tears. Everything was tears. I sniffled hard, and he heard it, because his grip on my hands tightened as much he could, which wasn't much. 

"Yuki..." All of my sorries in my voice. Loving him with all of me. 

Whispers. "You like steak... I'm sorry..."

Whimpers in my voice. Uncontrollable. Everything sorry I had in my body, coming out with my tears. "Yuuuki..." 

A small smile came from him, but his face relaxed again. That's all I needed. I leaned over, and I was kissing his lips. He returned it a little bit, but he was so weak. I knew the saline was going to help him. He'd get stronger over the course of the treatment, but right now? 

I held his hands securely. Never letting go. "I love you," I whispered to him, still so close to his face. "I'm sorry. I love you."

"I love you, too."

"I love you. I love you. I'm sorry."

"I love you."

Sniffling. He puckered his lips once more, and like a magnet mine met them again. Kissing him, all of my sorries in the world. Needing him, just loving him. Trying to make it up to him, in any way I could.