It hadn't been a good day already. I'd crossed a line, and was paying for it in more ways than one. I'd messed up, that had been clear, in two ways. 

The first one came in the morning. I'd been making coffee, eggs and sausage already made on the stove. Kind of an American breakfast, but that was nice sometimes. I wasn't feeling very hungry, so it was mostly for Tata. Personally, I wanted to get off caffeine as well. I'd been relying on it too much, and these drinks weren't agreeing with me. Coffee may in fact have been responsible for some of the stomach upset I'd had a few days ago, so I was avoiding it. The coffee maker was burbling away. 

That's when it happened.

"EHHHHH?!"

From the bedroom. Oh crap, I thought, Tata's computer must be slowing down again. What did we do to fix it before? Oh yeah, there were too many programs running in the background. Easy fix. I'd fix it again. I made my way to the bedroom, but he met me in the hallway.

His face was hard to make out. What was that look? I'd never seen it before. And, there was a good reason for why I hadn't seen it before. 

"YUKI!" 

Oh, crap.

I was against the wall, my palms flat on it. There just wasn't much space for the two of us. 

"YOU DELETED A LOT OF VIDEOS ON YOUR YOUTUBE CHANNEL! WHAT HAPPENED?! WHAT- I WANTED TO WATCH THEM! I WAS WATCHING THEM!"

My eyes must have been dinner plate sized. A rabbit faced with a fox. He'd never raised his voice to me before. 

"Uh- um..." No way to know how to respond. I'd never been faced with this before. I shrank a little. 

"CAN YOU SHOW THEM TO ME?! DO YOU HAVE THEM? I JUST THOUGHT- I'VE NEVER SEEN THEM! THEY'RE FROM A LONG TIME AGO, BEFORE I MET YOU! I WANTED TO SEE YOU BEFORE- YUKI, WHY?!" 

He was so angry. I didn't feel threatened, not like he'd hit me or anything. Never. But I'd never seen him like this. It didn't seem like he was completely angry, either. Devastated, more like. But, it was coming out as anger. I could see it on his face, trying to figure out those emotions. We were so close together. But I couldn't analyze him. It was happening too fast. 

"Um- uh- those videos aren't the image I want to show anymore. The channel is getting really popular. I only appear in drag now on it, and those videos have me dressed in regular clothes-"

"YUKI! THAT'S NOT FAIR! WHAT ABOUT OTHER FANS WHO WANTED TO SEE THOSE VIDEOS? THOSE VIDEOS HAVE VALUE, TOO!"

I really didn't know what to say to that. "Well, I don't um, have those videos anymore. I didn't really think about it. I couldn't restore them even if I wanted to?"

His face collapsed and he let out a long, sorrowful noise. I'd never heard that, either. My arms went out to him, but he put his own around himself and slipped away from my grasp. He was upset at me. I was at a loss, no paths for what to do. 

Before I knew it, mere seconds, I heard the door slam. He'd left, just like that. Not wanting breakfast, no coffee. The food now useless in the pan, and nobody would drink the coffee. It was all a waste. 

And I was just in the hallway, shocked by him. Not expecting anything like that. A new side to him that I'd never seen. Somehow, I'd caused it by something so simple that I thought would be a benefit. Not thinking about any consequences, or how it might make others feel, especially him. I wanted to feel something about this, but I was just seeing his face in my mind over and over. His face, so close to mine. How much I'd hurt him without meaning to. 

Somewhere inside, I knew it was wrong for him to have an outburst at me like that. But, if I had been in a similar situation, how would I have reacted? This thought haunted me all day. 

I'd intended to practice a variation of a Coldplay song. I liked the idea of a fully orchestrated version. How could I do that? I had to think about it. I was only a piano player after all. I did have some friends who played other instruments. Maybe I could call them? But, as I sat at my piano bench I felt my heart racing.

Was it from the fight from earlier? Stress about it? Usually, Tata sent me a million texts if we were apart. He'd tell me everything about his day, and also ask what I was doing a million times. Laughing together, calling him and laughing more. Turning everything into a joke. But, this wasn't a joke. Was he avoiding me? I'd upset him so much. 

I wish I had those videos, but I don't. I'd recorded them in my early 20's. They were the first ones on my Youtube channel, and I'd deleted probably four or five years' worth of videos. Erasing my image of myself in male clothes on the channel, because there was no doubt it was becoming more drag based. There were so many performers from Cinderella Bar on it. In fact, I was excited to get Heizou on there hopefully soon. I'd met him for the first time the the other day. I was hoping he'd agree. In that way, with all these performers, it was kind of like Blue Note for drag, and I loved that vibe. So, I was trying to fully transform it into that.

Maybe later I could explain that to Tata. But, I understood his being upset. He'd told me in no uncertain terms: he was upset, because he'd wanted to see me when I was younger, and I'd taken that from him by mistake. 

I just wanted to take him in my arms and make him feel better somehow. But, how would I ever fix that? I couldn't take ten years off of myself and play the same songs. It was impossible. It wasn't just age. It was experience, and time and place. If I thought about it more, I'd start to feel devastated, too. 

But, I was starting to feel something else. I made a small noise, feeling dizziness and a migraine coming on at the top of my neck. I rubbed it, but it didn't make a difference. It was quickly spreading, pounding as I swallowed my own spit. Standing up didn't make it better. My world swirled and I stood, holding the top of my keyboard for dear life. 

Soon enough, I'd taken some pain medication and crawled into bed. Under the covers, my world was becoming more troubled. My heart was going so fast, but I was in a relaxed position in here. my head was pounding so hard. I closed my eyes, waiting for the medicine to work. 

It became a long time, but the medicine didn't help. My head was in so much pain, and I was dizzy. Shouldn't the medicine be helping? But it wasn't. It was getting dire quickly. The only thing I could think of was that I'd been having diarrhea some days ago. Could it be from the same illness? 

So, I felt my hand going for my phone. I saw my screen, hovering over Tata's number. Of course he was the first one I wanted to call. But, he wasn't happy with me. So, I called the only other number I could think of. I tapped in three numbers and turned on the speaker phone. 

"119, what's your emergency?" 

"I need an ambulance. I feel like I'm going to pass out."

"Alright, sir. Please tell me more about your symptoms. Are you able to? We'll have an ambulance dispatched right away. Anything you say will help the paramedics."

"Thank you. Um..."

And so it went on.