I didn't cry
in the first five minutes
since the phone call died

I didn't cry
in the next ten minutes
as I grasp the reality
that you're not
going to be here forever

I didn't cry
I wish I knew
the reason why

Was it because
I was too proud
or that I was too shy
to shed some tears
even if they're for you

As you look down
from heaven
and see the trials
I am facing
—are you proud?
Have you held it
against me when
I didn't cry for you
back then?

Because, God—
if my life is a punishment
for the pride I raised
heavenward

I realized I should have cried
I wish I cried for you
that day

But in the end
the truth is
I didn't cry
—I didn't cry
Even in the years
that passed
and you're gone
forever

april 17, 2021

(Ps. this is dedicated to my grandma who died on March 2020. ;-; )