Ronan's POV:

I opened my eyes to darkness. I didn't know how long I had been asleep for but it obviously wasn't that long since it was still pitch black in my room. I tried to get myself to acclimate to the darkness. I blinked a few times trying to make out anything that I knew was in my room.

It started with the dresser, then the light shine of the doorknob. All the shapes becoming slightly familiar. The only thing that was different, that was out of place was the lump of blankets next to me in bed letting out soft even breaths.

Two years ago that would have been the first thing I noticed, the first thing to bring the air back into my lungs. Now it's been so long since I'd laid in bed listening to those soft puffs of air that it felt almost unreal.

I felt like I was in a dream and these days most of my dreams turned into vivid nightmares.

I wanted to reach over, touch her to make sure she was real. But even now in the dark I could see the blood coating my hands. I could feel it spreading all around me. I'd just ruin her like I ruined everything.

I was so fucking stupid. So stupid for standing in that kitchen and letting the voices scream at me until I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to rewind time and just tell them all to fuck off so I could get a moment of peace, one moment and I knew I would have never touched that knife.

But they were loud, much louder than what they were right now. Even now with Tiffany laid down next to me, they still whispered in my ear making me want to try to find silence for good.

"I should have let your bitch of a mother kill you when she had the chance." His voice was low but I could still hear every word. "And now I'm stuck with you, stuck dealing with your pathetic whiny self."

I flinched even now in the safety of my room. My back flinched forward and my hand went to my shoulder. I could feel the heat, the way my skin burned against the touch. But my fingers landed on the patch of raised skin and it was healed. It was just a scar and that couldn't hurt me anymore.

Feeling the scar, feeling that it wasn't real did nothing to help the heat covering my back, to stop the way it tingled and burned with the memories. And I could do nothing to stop the voice as it returned again.

I sat fully up in bed and let my eyes dance over the shapes of the room. I familiarized myself with each one. The dresser, the tv that sat on top, the door, the lamp on my side table. Each one familiar, nothing had moved, the door was still shut tight.

I was okay.

I was safe.

He was not here.

A soft hand landed on my arm and it was the comforting kind of warmth that instead of flinching away from I let myself lean into it.

"Do you want to me to turn the lights on?" Tiffany asked.

She didn't have to ask if I was okay. She didn't need to ask what had happened. This had been a frequent enough occurrence over the years that she knew exactly what I needed to pull myself out of it.

I nodded and even in the dark she seemed to understand my answer.

Once the room was illuminated I was able to really see Tiffany. I saw her face, the caring but concerned look she had on it. It was everything about her, her honey brown eyes, her dark curls, her smooth brown skin. It was all like coming home and that voice got just that much quieter, so quiet I couldn't even understand what it was saying.

"I'm right here, you're safe." She slid her hand into mine and squeezed.

It was a tether back to reality. Something to ground me here and not in my head.

I was okay.

I was safe.

He was not here.

I let myself repeat those words. And as I ran them through my head again I knew they weren't right. It wasn't the mantra I'd used these past years to keep me grounded. I altered it even knowing it would ruin this last grip I had on reality.

I was okay.

Reid was-,

And then I was gone. The voices were screaming louder and louder until I couldn't ignore them any longer.

Reid. Reid. Reid. Reid. Reid.

My eyes opened and all I saw was red, it was on my hands, dripping on the floor.

Reid. Reid. Reid. Reid.

"Don't get in my way again." The foot kicked into my side again and I barely even reacted to the added pain.

Reid. Reid. Reid.

"It was me." I pushed the words out. "I did it, it was me."

Reid. Reid.

"I don't believe you, but if you want to spend some more time with your dear old dad I won't be the one to stop you." My back burned against the heat pressing into it.

This time I let myself react. I let the soft cry out of my mouth.

Reid.

"Fuck you." I spat the words and I knew that was enough to keep him occupied for a little longer.

"Ro, look at me." I blinked and Tiffany was in front of me her hands cupping my face.

"I'm here." I let out a breath trying not to let it all drag me back away from this girl.

"You got to try to stay with me." One of her hands left my face grabbing my wrist and pressing my hand to her chest.

I could feel her heart thudding in her chest. I used that to keep me focused. Each thud was louder than any voices. They drowned them out until all that was left was just a name.

"Reid." It was all I could get myself to say.

I didn't know how to ask the questions I needed to. I didn't know how I was supposed to fix the bomb I'd dropped on our relationship. This time I think I'd messed it up beyond repair.

"He's safe, he's staying at a friends house." She assured me.

Some of the worry eased with her words.

"I kicked him out."

"You also kicked me out and here I still am. We will figure it all out and we will fix it together."

"How am I meant to fix this?" It didn't feel like that was possible at all.

"You start by going to the therapy appointment I made for you in the morning."

I could feel myself slipping again. My brain chanting that one word not letting me focus on anything else.

"I need to talk to him, did he say where he was staying?"

Even though I knew it was impossible I kept seeing Reid next to our father. Seeing him with him where I wasn't able to stand in the way. Reid was out of my reach and I couldn't do anything to protect him.

He was hurt and it was all my fault.

"Ro I know you want to fix things with Reid but you need to go to this appointment. You need to do better for yourself so you can do better for him. That's the only way you are going to be able to mend things between the two of you."

I knew that Tiffany was telling the truth. I knew that I wasn't going to fix anything unless I actually made an effort to change how things were with Reid and I.

Just because I knew what she was saying was the truth didn't mean I liked to hear it. I knew what it meant to do better for Reid. I knew all those lies and walls I've used to protect him over the years had to go away.

I had to open myself up and I didn't know if I was ever ready for that. I wasn't ready to let the truth finally come out.

But if it meant losing my brother I might just have to get myself ready.