I find breathing difficult, so I go to my Dad's car and lean against it. I place my face into my hands, desperately trying to take deep, even breaths to keep myself from hyperventilating.

When looking up, I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Mallory, are you okay?" I hear Ben's mother's voice.

"I wish people would stop asking me that. How could I possibly be okay?" I reply, trying to keep my attitude in check.

"I understand. I feel the same way. Are you taking a sedative, too? I begged my doctor for something to help me get through the worst day of my life," she says quietly.

"Yeah. I'm definitely with you there. My mom was able to get me a sedative. I'm afraid that it might not be working or at least not like I was hoping it would," I honestly disclose.

She leans on the car beside me.

"It's not fair. Ben didn't deserve this; he spent his life helping people." My tone reveals my anger.

"I know, Mallory, I know. Those are the same things that keep running through my mind, too," she admits.

Tears well up in my eyes. "How do you make it through each day? I'm hanging on by a thread."

"I'm not doing well at all. It took everything inside me to get out of bed and be here. We ended up not staying at your house. I couldn't even go inside," she confesses with tears.

It's oddly comforting that someone else knows exactly how I feel. I lost the love of my life, but she lost her only child. I lean on her shoulder, and she puts her arm around me.

"It would help me if we could do this together." She reaches her hand towards me, and I take it.

"Okay," I respond, and she gently squeezes my hand.

"Come on, dear. We can do this," she encourages and leads me back inside.

If Ben's mother could find the strength to bury her son, I could get through today. We both go back inside the funeral home hand in hand.

Ben's funeral was a week ago, and I'm still staying with my parents. Their support has been tremendous. I didn't want to be alone and was not ready to return to the house Ben and I shared. I've also been off work since the horrible day that I lost the love of my life.

My mother calls to me, "Mal, breakfast is ready."

"I'll be there in a minute, Mom." I pull my hair into a messy bun, dress in leggings and an oversized teeshirt, then head to the kitchen.

"Good morning, Sweetheart. How did you sleep?" my mother greets me.

The concern on her face is apparent. I haven't been sleeping well. Mom had recommended taking sleep aids, but as a nurse, I know how addictive prescription sleep aids are. The first couple of nights, I took Tylenol Simply Sleep. It did help me to fall asleep. Unfortunately, when I wake up during the night, that's it; sleep escapes me.

"Um... about the same. Although I'm sleeping longer, today was till 3:30," I confess.

"Oh, Honey, the longer, the better. I'm so happy that you are getting more hours of sleep. Especially since you start back to work tonight." The look of relief on her face makes me feel better.

"Yeah, I feel rested this morning. Hopefully, work will wear me out enough to sleep even better," I say to ease her mind.

I'm still on the second shift, so I don't have to be at the hospital till 4:00 p.m.

"I hope so, too. Are you anxious about going back?" Mom continues our discussion.

I answer her honestly, "No, I feel like this is just what I need. I look forward to focusing on my sweet little patients instead of feeling sorry for myself."

My mom hugs me while I shove eggs into my mouth.

"I think it's just what you need, too." She kisses the top of my head and then moves back to the stove.

My Dad enters the kitchen. "Good morning, my beautiful ladies."

"Good morning, Dad."

"Good morning, Hon."

Dad gives my mom a sweet kiss, then comes and kisses my cheek. My parents then join me at the table. I love that conversation with my parents is so easy. After breakfast, my Dad says his goodbyes and leaves for work.

I had just finished the breakfast dishes when my phone buzzed. I dried my hands and grabbed my phone off the table.

It's Kendall. I sigh before checking the text.

Hey, Girl! I miss you. Can we do lunch today? If you don't want to go out, I can bring lunch to you.

I haven't seen Kendall or Scott since Ben's funeral. It's not that they haven't been trying. I've been avoiding them like my house because of not being ready to see them, especially Scott. There's too much history between him and Ben.

"What's wrong, honey?" Mom questions me.

"I'm a terrible person. That's what's wrong," I respond quietly.

"You know that's not true." She places a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"I've been avoiding all contact with anything and everyone that reminds me of Ben." I'm surprised I still have tears to shed as they fall freely down my face. "Kendall just texted about having lunch together."

"Awe, Honey. That doesn't make you a terrible person at all. You're in self-preservation mode. You have so much pain that you are trying to protect yourself from more pain. You knew Kendall long before you met Ben," Mom explains.

I retort, "Yeah, but she comes with Scott."

My mom suggests, "She doesn't have to. Try to take small steps. See Kendall first. I'm sure she would be okay with not bringing Scott back into your life until you're ready. Also, if you ask her, she would agree to not mentioning anything about Ben or Scott."

"I'll sound so selfish!" I exclaim.

"Trust me, Kendall will understand."

I consider my mom's words before I return Kendall's text. It's time to rip off the bandaid.

Hey, Kendall. Let's go ahead and do lunch here at my parents' house.

I see the bubbles before her text comes through.

Yay! How does Asian sound? Bamboo Bistro, okay?

That sounds perfect. I know this will sound selfish, but I'm not ready to talk about Ben or Scott. I'm sorry."

I bite my lip nervously as I press send.

Awe, Babe. That's not selfish at all. I understand, and I promise I won't mention either until you're ready. I miss you so damn much.

I smiled at her response and quickly responded.

Thank you for understanding. I miss you, too. See you soon.

"Bye, Sweetheart. Enjoy lunch with Kendall. I love you." Mom kisses my head like a child, and I love it.

"Bye, Mom. I love you, too."

After my mom leaves for work, I spend the rest of the morning doing laundry and reading a book. Before I know it, the doorbell rings. Glancing at the clock, I see it's 11:50 a.m., and I am pretty sure it's Kendall at the door.

I take a deep breath before opening the door. "Hey."

"Hey." I step aside to let Kendall enter.

I follow her into the kitchen. She puts the takeout bags on the table, turns towards me, and opens her arms. I accept her warm embrace, and we both cry as she rocks us back and forth. I didn't realize until that moment how much I needed my best friend. A few moments later, we release each other, wipe our eyes, and smile weakly.

"So... lunch?" I ask.

"Yeah, let's eat." Kendall takes the sushi out while I get plates and place them on the table.

She got us two rolls to share, California and spicy tuna.

"What do you want to drink? We have lemonade and iced tea," I ask.

She tells me her decision, "Lemonade, please."

Our conversation stays light while we eat. We talk about what Kendall is going through with her work and my return to work. Everything is going very well. I find that I'm enjoying myself without guilt.

That is until Kendall drops a bomb on me. "I have something that I need to tell you, and it can't wait."