[ Seoul ]

K i m  T a e h y u n g

I quaffed on the Vodka and let the bottle hung loosely around my fingers. A bitter smile slowly stretched across my lips as I marveled upon the color of the dark sky that had softened to blue.

Closing my eyes, I listened to the musical silence of the dawn on the balcony. In the serenity of dawn, my lifeless soul could hear the melody ricocheted on that particular day so clearly, so vividly...

The melody of Jinhee's soft cries.

"Everything has never been the same after you left, Jinhee..." I breathed out those words as I lazily leaned on the railing of the balcony.

"Yoongi hyung couldn't sleep so well now. He lays down on the couch, but in his hand, was a picture of you and him. He keeps looking at the picture and sometimes I could see tears in his eyes. He said he missed calling you ugly bunny... But now, he can't call anyone with that name anymore."

I forced out a smile at the thought of Yoongi hyung. Sometimes he looked like he was so in love with the picture of Jinhee and him that I felt the unnecessary jealousy, but I tried to overlook past it. Maybe he just really missed her, like everyone else did.

"Our maknae? He has stopped playing Overwatch, because he said it hurts when everything only reminded him of you. He missed playing Overwatch, with you sitting beside him, asking him random questions and annoyed him. Sometimes, he would sniff on your stuffed bunny and cry out alone. You're his only noona, Jinhee-ah."

I gulped another shot of the drink and slightly laughed at how pathetic I sounded like. What was I even saying? Was I trying to guilt-trip her so that she would come back?

"Jiminie? Ah, that guy has become so thin now. Most of the time, he will say that he doesn't have the appetite to eat. He has stopped working out too. He said you'd usually sit on his back while he does push up, and because of that, he has stopped."

My eyelids became heavy as I thought of the muted Jimin. He wasn't the usual hyper Jimin anymore, I was worried about him. But despite all that, it hurt to see him trying so hard to make everyone happy, even though he was hurting miserably inside.

"Hoseok hyung doesn't smile so often now. Sometimes, I saw him crying in the dance studio. He said he missed showing his new choreography to you and do silly dance with you."

I laughed deeply as I remembered the memories of Jinhee blushing whenever we teased her cute dance moves. She was cute. Everything about her.

"Namjoon hyung doesn't seem happy. He keeps sighing when things didn't work out well for us. Things have been hard with Soojung too. He would lock himself in his studio and I'd hear his soft sobs. He said he missed making music with you and making fun of your rapping, Jinhee-ah."

I sipped on the alcohol again, but this time my vision turned blurry. Or was I crying? I don't know. I couldn't see anything but only Jinhee in the old film of my mind.

"Jin hyung has lost all his calm. Sometimes, he would get emotional because of our dance practice. Suzy tried to console him but since she's a physician now, she can't always be there for him. Because of that, Jin hyung would silently cry his heart out. Back then, you were always there for him whenever he messed things up. He missed talking with you about his new recipes, but now... he never cooked anymore."

I became emotionless as I looked upon the beautiful moon hung on top of the sky. Over the bright moon, I saw Jinhee let out a smile at me. It was her sad smile—the one that would break my heart into pieces and I just wanted to hug her right then and there.

"Me?" I chuckled tiredly as the alcohol mixed into my system, straining my body terribly than ever, "as long as I have vodka with me, and you are here, it's more than enough, Jinhee-ah."

I mindlessly hummed to the specific song in my head. Just the right one that would express out my thought and my heartache at that moment.

At a dusty park, a nameless bird that sings...

Where are you? Oh oh oh, Oh You...

Why are you crying? You and I are the only ones here...

Me and You, oh oh oh, Oh You.

"I'm sorry, Taehyung..."

I heard her soft voice echoed in my ears again. It was not the first time. The dulcet voice would always haunt me at the exact time of the dawn. I drank the alcoholic drink again to welcome that melodious voice that I have been missing so fucking much.

"I love you, Taehyung... I will always come back to you, I promise."

I let out a bitter smile and closed my eyes. I didn't realize how much time had passed, but now I felt my eyes watered as I hugged the bottle of vodka in my arms. "Jinhee-ah, you shouldn't make promise that you can't keep, you know..."

"Hey, Taehyung. Are you alright, man?" I heard a faint voice approaching from behind. I knew it was Jimin because of his familiar fragrance. And I also knew what was his purpose for coming into the balcony.

Jimin had always been the one to help me when I was totally wasted. I'd usually pass out and never say anything. But tonight, this painful feelings and longing were getting stronger, and although knowing of my own alcohol tolerance, I took another gulp from the bottle.

"Yeah... don't worry. I'm just talking to Jinhee. She keeps making promise to me when I know she won't keep any of it, she never will," I told him, never looking away from the sight of the moon, because Jinhee was there. She was looking right at me with her beautiful brown eyes. I could feel her warmth embracing my cold ones.

"You should really stop drinking, dude." Jimin snatched the bottle away from me, but instinctively I fought back.

Jimin looked at me in much surprise as he didn't expect that sudden action from me, because I would usually let him handle me. I would usually oblige quietly. But I didn't know why I decided to rebel on him tonight.

I held his confused gaze stubbornly before I hugged the bottle to my chest again and whispered, "Leave me alone, Jimin... Just one day, let me drown with the thoughts of her just for today."

In my tipsy state, I shook my head repeatedly and looked away. No one could snatch Jinhee from me, not even Jimin.

"Yah Kim Taehyung, tomorrow we have to fly to Las Vegas. You can't keep acting out like this." Jimin was adamant enough to stop me from getting delusional.

Was that what Jimin had thought of me all these times? From the way he stared at me, it was as if he was trying to say I was getting delusional because I couldn't accept the painful reality.

"This is the only way to hear her voice, so fucking leave me alone!" I shouted angrily and shoved my best friend away so hard that he toppled to the ground.

Along with that, the bottle of vodka dropped and shattered to the ground into broken pieces. I had finally lost my control. Heavy pants filled the air as I glared at Jimin who was sitting on the ground, looking quite taken aback, but when he had recovered, ever so slowly, I saw his expression turned into a fierce one.

It was not that long before I heard a consecutive rushing footstep and before I knew it, the other boys appeared, looking bewildered by the scene between me and my best friend.

"Guys! What's going on here?" Namjoon stepped in, looking worried by the intense atmosphere in the room. But instead of answering the leader, Jimin leaped over at me and grabbed my collar so tight that it was choking me.

"Get a hang of yourself, dude! You think getting drunk every day is missing her, you spend every single day lost in your own fantasies! Have you ever thought of us? When she died, it hurt us too!" Jimin yelled furiously as he sat on top of me and kept pulling my collar, making my head bumped onto the ground a few times.

"Jimin, stop! You're hurting him!" The others tried to stop Jimin, but it was no use. Once the switch was on, the kind and warm Jimin would disable and the wild side of him would overtake his emotions. In fact, everyone was truly scared of that dangerous side of Jimin.

"It's fucking hard for me, it's fucking hard for everyone! But what do you do? You poke at our wounds over and over again! Every time we decided to pick ourselves up, every time we wanted to walk out of that dark shadow, you'd beat us right back! Do you think she would want to see you like this?" Jimin continued shouting out his frustration as he choked on his words. I could sense that he was crying too, and I felt the cruelest form of pain gripped my heart so hard.

Jimin finally let go of my collar as he looked at me with tears in his eyes. He bit his lips hard, trying to hold the pain in, but it was too much to bear, even for him too. He got off of me and leaned on the railing, growling and pouring out all the agonizing pain bubbling in his heart for all these time.

Four years had passed, yet the pain never lessened. The unbearable pain kept growing within our hearts, weakening our case.

"I can't take it anymore, Jimin... It's been four years, but every morning I wake up, it feels like she only left yesterday. I keep hearing her cries, I keep seeing her teary face, I keep reminding of her fragile state, and I can't help but blame myself. It was all because of me..." I cried out helplessly as I lied on the ground, covering my eyes with my crossed arms.

"Because at her last moment, I couldn't even look at her... She died because of me. I wish I could hold onto her and tell her that it's okay... I wish I could grab onto her tightly and never let her go... I wish I could run to her and save her... But everything was too late... She's gone... for real."

I broke into violent tears as I recalled the last memory of Jinhee. The last moment with her. She left us with nothing but only a great remorse for the past years. The pain was excruciating enough to kill me all alive.

For every each second that had passed, the regrets only made me slowly wither in pain, the dark thoughts were slowly killing me inside, and I realized I had finally lost the whole part of myself. I lost the will to live, I lost the will to even breathe for air. In fact, I had become an empty shell existing for nothing the moment she had left us.

"Taehyung-ah... It's enough..." Namjoon hyung helped me up and embraced me in his warm chest.

Before I realized it, I heard the others' cries and sobs along with mine. We were all now crying openly in front of each other because the pain wasn't fading away. Because without her, we felt miserable, we felt helpless, we felt lost.

"I want to see her, hyung... Even just for a second, I want to see her so badly... Help me, hyung..."

A u t h o r ' s N o t e

My heart felt so heavy while I was writing this chapter. Especially when you listened to 4 o'clock & so far away :')

Anyway, if you like the chapter, tap the star at the bottom and leave feedback. I will try to reply to every each of it.

Hoping you guys will have an amazing day ahead. If things are getting difficult on your side, just take a deep breath.
You will be okay 💛

Much love,
ℓynie

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T E A S E R

❝Have you forgotten, Mia? We are invited to Billboard. So, get dress up babe, can't wait to see my beautiful girl tonight.❞