Kee's Side of Like a Fool

Definitely a Fool

Three years. For three years I have been a fool.

I wanted to tell you the truth. I wanted to confess to you.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't, because I might lose you if I would.

For some reasons I love being around you, I love being with you and I definitely love having you. Selfish? I know.

I'm definitely not the perfect girl for you. Definitely.

"Have you told him yet?" a friend once asked.

I shrugged as a no.

"Then when will you tell him? Kee, you have been in love with him since who knows when. We both know Austin is good looking and he could probably just pick any girls out there. What's so wrong about confessing to him? Tell him before it's too late," she scolded.

"I know," I answered. As if she needed to remind me of that fact.

"Then do it, Kee."

I just hope it was that easy. I was too afraid, I was too afraid you would reject me. 

I become contented with the friendship we had. Besides, you never showed any signs that you see me as more than just a friend. You had always looked at me like a sister.

How unlucky am I falling for my best friend, right?

It was your 17th birthday. I thought it was the right time to confess my feelings for you. But then I saw you, hugging the most hot and popular chick at school. I don't know what's the business between you two, all I know is that I was hurt. I was deeply hurt by what I've saw... and oh, I forgot to tell you she has something for you. She was asking for my help knowing that I'm your best friend.

Don't expect I said yes when she asked for my help, that would be a suicide for me.

I drown myself with alcohol, too drunk to remember the things I've done and said that night. It was like a dream but at the same time it feels so real.

Did I tell you I love you? Did I tell you that I'm madly and deeply in love with my best friend? That would be too shameful on my part.

But you know what? Just in case I really did, I would thank the alcohol in my system for giving me enough courage to tell you the words I couldn't when sober that night.

I know you wouldn't mind and might think that I was just too drunk. I just hope so though.

That was also the day that I've decided to give up on you.

I'm sorry for being a coward, I'm sorry for giving up a fight I haven't even started. I'm a fool, definitely a fool.

A year later, some random guy at school courted me. I thought it was a chance fate has given me to move on, so I said yes to him and we started dating.

But there was one thing I've noticed since that night as well. You became more caring and sweet than you usually do. You even fetch me every morning so we could go to school together since my boyfriend wouldn't mind because he's a jerk. You carry my things and even kiss my forehead.

I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe you at least like me more than just a freakin' best friend. But then maybe you were just being nice, maybe you were just caring for me as a friend.

And again, I became contented with the thought that you only care for me because I'm your best friend. Well, at least you care for me.

"Kee?" you called.

"Hmm?"

"I have something to say."

I stopped writing and faced your handsome face. Oh, God knows how I love the way those ash eyes look at me.

"What is it?"I asked.

And here I am again, getting lost in your eyes. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I keep on falling in love over and over again for you.

"I... I..." you stammered.

"Yes?" I patiently asked.

"I... I... will you watch this Saturday's game?"

I smiled.

Really, Austin? You're really asking me that?

"Of course, I will. I wouldn't miss it for the world. I'm your number one fan, remember?" I replied and gave you an encouraging smile.

Saturday's game came.

Basketball was never my thing. I usually hate jocks and their balls, but then when I learned that you play, I then started liking the game. It was like a pride I'm willing to swallow, all for you. What love does to people, I guess.

I tried my best to cheer as loud as I could, for you to hear me, for you to know that I'm always here for you. I just hope it was loud enough, loud enough for you to hear not just my cheers but my feelings too.

I was too overwhelmed because of the game's result that I immediately ran towards you and gave you a hug.

"Congratulations, Austin!" I shouted and gave a kiss on your cheek.

"You're wet, go take a shower and change your clothes. You might get sick," I uttered as I broke the hug.

You smiled, nodded and gave me a kiss on the forehead. I know you always does that, but I couldn't get myself used to it. I would always have this giddy and unexplainable feeling whenever you kiss my forehead.

I just can't help but smile. Oh, Austin, please stop giving me false hopes.

And then I sighed. How could I? How could I not love you when it's always like this?

If only, if only you're not my best friend then it would not be so hard on my part.

"Hi," I greeted.

I can't help but stare at your perfect figure.

Oh, how I love this man.

"Kee," you called.

"Yeah?"

"I'm breaking up with you," you said as fast as you could but not too fast for me to miss it.

I froze. Someone must have poured an ice on my head. It was so hard to digest everything plus I was too confused what you were talking about.

For a moment, I became scared and I was even unsure for the reason why.

"Austin, what' breaking up' are you talking about?" I asked.

I saw how your eyebrows curled. Your confusion mirrored mine.

And then it hit me.

All those things you did were not just a friendly gesture? You thought... but why were you breaking up with me? Even if we didn't really had the thing, I was hurt. I was hurt, Austin.

"Oh God, you thought... Oh, Austin, you... you were my best friend."

"But... you said you love me. During my 17th birthday, you told me you love me." Sadness and pain was there when you said those words. I want to take back everything that I've said, especially when I told you that you were just my best friend.

You are more than that Aus, you are definitely more than that.

"I... I was drunk, Austin. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I reasoned. It was still the truth.

I can't believe that I really said those three words to you.

I am crazy, I know. I could have told you that I love you too. I could have told you that I can leave my boyfriend for you. I could have told you that I'm madly and deeply in love with you even before you thought that we had a relationship.

But I was scared. I was too scared because I became too overwhelmed about everything. The loud pounding in my chest scared me.

I was not able to think clearly when I learned that my best friend whom I feel in love with felt the same for me too.

All along I thought it was one sided.

It never crossed my mind that I was already breaking your heart. Can you forgive for that?

I am not perfect, I have too many flaws and fears. I am a fool, definitely a fool. Will you still love me for that?

Please do, because this fool still loves you.