Chapter 19: Role of The Fool

I don't know what to feel anymore. It still is painful to see them together, happy and contented. I knew this would happen the moment I pushed them together but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to get hurt anymore. Or maybe I don't really have the right at all, but I don't have the power to stop myself feeling this.

"M-Mads..." Rocky called my attention again.

Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa marmol na sahig.

Nakaya kong magpanggap na hindi nasasaktan sa harap nila Rafael at Ericka. Nagawa kong ngumiti habang pinagmamasdan kung gaano nila kamahal ang isa't isa. Nagawa kong isantabi ang nararamdaman ko para sa sariling kapakanan.

Damn it!

I couldn't do it to Rocky. I couldn't stand staring at him while he's slowling drifting away. I couldn't stare at his eyes, knowing I was lying to myself. And now... I couldn't meet his eyes anymore.

It's silently killing me...

Is it really possible to feel this way? I don't know. This is such a foreign feeling.

"I told you to look at me when you're hurting," he whispered.

He tried to hold my arm but I stepped back and found myself running away.

He didn't try to follow me or even call my name. I didn't hear anything from him the moment I ran, not a single word. Better, I think. I don't want him to stop me. I don't want him to look into my eyes and see all the lies they tell.

Maraming napapatingin sa akin habang nagmamadaling tumakbo. Natanaw ko ang labasan pero masyadong malayo. Lumiko ako sa kaliwa at dumiretso sa Rest Room. Napalingin ang mga babae ro'n nang makita nila ang isang babaeng nagkukumahog makakuha ng bakanteng cubicle kung saan walang sino man ang makakakita sa kanya.

I locked myself in. Umupo ako sa nakasarasarong bowl at sumansal. Napatingin ako sa kamay kong nanginginig. Pinagsalikop ko ang mga daliri sa kamay ko at kinalma ang sarili.

There was no tears on my eyes, not even a trace that I just came from a nerve-wrecking scene of almost losing someone.

All the lies and alibis facading my game have been ruined in just a snap.

Tumunog ang cell phone ko sa loob ng bulsa. Inilibas ko ito. Nakahinga ako nang maluwang nang mapagtanto na si Ericka ito. Hindi ako nag-atubiling sagutin ang tawag na 'yon.

"Huy. Saan ka?" bungad na tanong niya.

I gulped the lump in my throat. "W-Where is he?"

"Rafael's talking to him," pabulong lang ang mga salita nito. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't know you were here."

He's talking to Rafael?

"I-Is he angry?" I asked anxiously.

Out of all the things running inside my head... I just want to know he's fine.

Natahimik ito nang ilang segundo. "Where are you?"

"S-Sa Rest Room sa first floor," sagot ko. "Wait. Don't come here. H-Hindi ko pa siya kayang harapin. Please."

She ended the call without saying a word.

I started to panic. When if she brings him here? No. He can't go in here. And if it happens she brings him, I won't come out here. I'm scared to face him now. I can't. I still want to think nothing happens and he still is clueless.

Ayokong matapos ang lahat nang ganito lang.

"You there?" Someone knocked on the door. It was Ericka.

I let out a deep breathe before opening the door. Lalabas pa lang sana ako nang itulak niya ako at pumasok din siya. She locked the door and looked at me, suspiciously.

"You didn't run away because you saw us," she said, doubtful. "Tell me... what's bothering you?"

Hindi ako nakasagot.

She pouted her lips. "You can't tell me---"

"I-I don't know where to start but..." I gulped hard. "He shouldn't find out that you and Rafael are together again. No matter what happens, he must be the last one to know."

I couldn't hide how frightened I was.

Umawang nang bahagya ang bibig niya. "I-Is that it?"

"What?"

"That's why Rafael denied our relationship when Rocky asked if we are together again," she said, amused. "I-I thought he did that for other reason... But, why? Why shouldn't Rocky find out that we are back together again?

Napahinga ako nang maluwag.

Rafael... he knew. Malamang na may alam ito o hinuha sa mga nangyayari.

"What did Rafael exactly say?" tanong ko pa.

I want to know where the lie stopped, so I know where to continue.

"Rafael said that..." Sandali itong tumigil para alalahanin iyon. "Nagmakaawa ako sa kanya ng isang linggo pa at pagkatapos no'n ay palalayain ko na siya. I had no idea why he said that. But I didn't react. When Rocky asked me to, I just nodded my head. I don't know. I don't know, Mad."

Then... I felt suffocated again. Naaawa ako kay Rocky. Naaawa ako sa mga kasinungalingang sinabi namin. But somehow it calms me, too. I can face him now and just continue the show.

"Mad?" Kinuha ni Ericka uli ang atensyon ko. She was smiling. "I saw it. The moment you ran, he tried to reach on your hand. He almost followed you. But he stepped after two steps. He always tries to get closer but something is stopping him."

"Because... he's leaving soon."

Tumawa si Ericka. "Girl..."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "What?"

"It was so hard for me to doubt you have something for Rafael. I couldn't read you. I coulnd't confirm it. I was so frustrated and bothered. But, girl... I don't even need to ask you to comfirm if you have something for that guy."

"Puntahan na natin sila?" tanong ko.

She chuckled. "Okay."

Lumabas na kami ng cubicle. Napatingin sa amin ang ibang babae, nagtataka. Sandali kaming tumingin sa salamin at nag-ayos bago lumabas. Tumambad sa amin ang dalawang lalaking nagtatawanan. Nakatalikod ito sa amin. Nakaakbay si Rafael kay Rocky.

"C cup,"dinig kong sabi ni Rocky.

"Smaller," ani naman ni Rafael. "You see that bump on the right side? Hindi pantay. Venomous."

Kumunot ang noo ko.

"Whoa. I see it." Humalakhak si Rocky. "I am damn sure that is E cup." He pointed his finger on the next woman passing by. Napansin ata ng babaeng nakatingin sa kanya ang dalawang lalaki kaya kumindat ito.

"T-That's cool," bulong ni Rafael.

"Winking is invented for guys only, I think," Rocky mumbled.

Sabay silang humalakhak.

So they have been talking about sizes?

Perverts.

Napatingin ako kay Ericka na nakatingin sa dibdib ko. "Yours are bigger than mine but that doesn't change the fact that I'm cuter than you."

Ngumiwi ako. "Stop."

Tumawa ito bago unang pumunta kina Rafael at Rocky. Sabay naman na napalingon ang dalawa. Agad na hinagilap ako ng mata ni Rocky at nang magtagumpay ay ngumiti ito at sinenyasan akong lumapit.

He's smiling...

Nang hindi ako kumilos ay siya ang lumapit sa akin. Everything seems to be in slow-mo as he walks towards me. That dashing smile coming from his lips and brown eyes... I'm so fascinated by those.

"Are you good now?"

I had to blink twice to knock myself back in sanity.

I nodded my head without saying a word.

"Konti na lang, Mads," excited na sabi nito. "Konting panahong paghihintay na lang at ikaw naman ang sasaya. Konting sakit at paghihintay na lang..."

Naniwala siya...

"Just like your game?" I asked.

Tumango siya habang natatawa. "I guess these things are about to end."

Just like us...

Napagpasyahan naming magsama-sama sa paglilibot dito. Kami ni Ericka ang magkatabi habang nakahiwalay sa amin sina Rafael at Rocky. May malaking pagitan sa amin. May pinag-uusapan ang dalawa kasabay ng mga tawa nila. Paminsan-minsan ay sabay silang titingin sa amin ni Ericka.

Napansin ko ang unti-unting pagbabago ni Rocky. Mula sa pagiging mailap sa ibang tao at madalas na pagkukubli sa loob, mas naging bukas siya ngayon. He can make friends now. He can be friend with Rafael though.

"May abs ba si Rocky?" biglang tanong ni Ericka.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "H-Hindi ko alam."

"Meron 'yan," bulong sa akin ni Ericka. "Tingnan mo biceps niya, obvious ba? Or dine-deny mo lang dahil nakita mo na? Hmmp!"

"He showed me, okay?" I rolled my eyes.

"Lucky girl." Mahina itong tumawa.

Nalingat lang kami nang konti ay nawala na sa paningin namin ang dalawang lalaki. Natagpuan namin silang bumibili ng ice cream. Hinila ako ni Ericka palapit sa kanila at nakisiksik din.

Tumingin sa akin si Rocky. "Flavor?" he asked.

"Cookies N' Cream, please?"

Tumango ito bago humarap uli sa nagbebenta. Naunang nakakuha si Ericka, strawberry flavor. Pagkatapos ay ako naman. Inabot sa akin ni Rocky ang ice cream na cookies n cream ang flavor.

"Careful," maalagang inabot sa akin ni Rocky ang ice cream.

"Thanks."

"70 pesos 'yan," biglang sabi ni Ericka. "I paid for mine, magbayad ka rin."

Natigilan ako.

"D-Don't worry, I'll pay for yours, too," ani Rocky kay Ericka. "Ako na ang magbabayad sa lahat para fair."

Umiling si Ericka. "Come on, Mad. Rocky isn't your walking-wallet."

I suddenly wanted to return this ice cream. Hindi naman ako gutom, bigla na lang silang nag-alok. Saka barya lang ang sukli ko kanina sa taxi nung pumunta ako sa condo ni Rocky. Hindi ako nagdala ng pera!

"Here." Rocky gave me a tissue.

"Ako na kasi magbabayad ng sa 'yo," pagsingit ni Rafael na tila nahihiya na sa ginagawa ng girlfriend niya. "Let them do what they want. Especially Rocky. Siya ang nag-aya kay Mad kaya natural lang na treat niya lahat."

Ericka shook her head. "Maddy. Hindi ganyan ang turo ko sa 'yo," parang nanay na sermon nito.

"Fine!" I pouted my lips as I looked at Rocky. "Pahiram mo muna ako ng pera. Babayaran kita."

Napangiwi ako nang pumatak na sa daliri ko ang ice cream na natutunaw na.

"Okay." Rocky shrugged his shoulder as he paid for mine, too.

"Thanks."

"Thanks?" Pag-epal na naman ni Ericka. "Thanks lang?"

"What do you want me to do?" I raised my eyebrows. "Bow to him? Kneel down? Wala akong perang dala ngayon. I'm sorry, okay?"

"Kiss?" Ericka suggested.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "Magbabayad naman ako. Why ask for a kiss?"

"Because... he paid for your ice cream?" Sarkastikong sabi ni Ericka. "Come on, Mad."

"Stop," ani Rafael.

"No. A kiss will do," pagsingit ni Rocky.

Pare-pareho kaming natigilan sa sinabi ni Rocky.

"Better." Isang nakakalokong ngiti ang sumilay sa labi ni Ericka.

"Stop it, Ericka." Si Rafael na masama ang tingin kay Ericka. "Don't force them to do something like that. We are in a public place." He sounded offended.

Napatingin si Rocky kay Rafael. It seems like he's reading him.

"And so what if we are in a public place?" Tumaas ang kilay ni Ericka. "Hindi ba hihiwalayan mo na ako matapos ang isang linggo. I just want to confirm if your other woman isn't Maddy. But you're acting strange now. Why?"

Then it hits me. They are playing here... a game to save me. Ericka acting suspicious about Rafael's feelings towards me and Rafael acting he's jealous of Rocky for asking a kiss from me.

"You must stop right now," madiin na sabi ni Rafael.

"Why?!" Ericka insisted. "It's just a kiss."

"They are just friends," ani Rafael. "You can't kiss a friend."

"Kahit na sa pisngi lang?" tanong ni Ericka. "Saka... para na rin magtanda si Maddy na laging magdala ng pera dahil hindi sa lahat ng oras ay may mag-aabot sa kanya kapag walang nakapa."

Nakita ko kung paano mabilis na naubos ni Rocky ang kanyang ice cream. Mabibigat ang paggalaw na ginagawa nito. Madiin niyang pinunasan ng tissue ang labi habang nakatingin sa akin.

He's scaring me... as if he is about to do something.

"Come on, Rocky. Sa pisngi lang," ani Ericka.

Sumikip ang paghinga ko nang lumapit sa akin si Rocky. Hinawakan niya ang batok ko at bahagyang inilapit sa kanya. Hindi ako nakagalaw. I let him to what he wanted to do. Like he is in control of me... like he owned me.

"Your guy is jealous of me," he whispered in a husky voice.

Tila tinakasan ako ng mga salita.

"Can I kiss you?" he asked. "I badly want him to be jealous even more."

"R-Rocky..." I wanted him to stop.

"Why?" He raised his eyebrows. "Are you hurting seeing him hurting, huh?"

His words were like a sharp daggers penetrating my chest. I hate to think of it but... he sounds jealous... he sounds even more jealous than Rafael.

"Are you hurting, too?" I asked. "Nasasaktan ka bang nakikita akong nasasaktan sa ibang dahilan?"

We were confronting each other that only us can hear.

Mas humigpit ang pgkakahawak niya sa batok ko. Bahagayang nakayuko ang ulo niya para pantayan ang mukha ko.

"Why would I?" He smirked.

That was the most painful three words I've ever heard.

"Kiss me now, make him jealous..." matapang kong sabi. "Because I love it, Rocky. I love it when he's jealous because of you."

"And I hate it, Maddy. I hate it when you're jealous and I'm not the reason."

That's the time he kissed me. Dumampi ang labi niya... sa gilid ng labi ko. He had the chance to kiss me on my lips, I wouldn't stop it, but still he chose not to kiss me there. I would lie if I didn't want him to kiss me.

"Babe!" Narinig ko ang tinig ni Ericka.

Mabilis na tinulak ko si Rocky palayo sa akin.

Napatingin ako kay Rafael na naglalakad na palayo.

And I realized... I need to play my part in this game, too.

Susundan ko na sana si Rafael nang maramdaman ko ang kamay ni Rocky sa braso ko. Pinipigilan niya ako sa pag-alis. Mahigpit ang hawak niya sa braso ko... nasasaktan ako pero hindi ako nagpatinag.

Nabitawan ko ang ice cream dahil sa sobrang pagkabigla.

"Make him jealous even more by coming with me instead," Rocky said.

"Let me go," I whispered. "Please?"

"As you wish," he said before letting me go.

Hinabol ko si Rafael. Hindi ako lumingon pabalik kina Ericka at Rocky. Nanginginig ang buo kong katawan sa sobrang kaba. I am hurting... hurting for Rocky. I'm sorry... I'm doing this for you. I'm sorry.

Nawala agad sa paningin ko si Rafael kaya lumingon-lingon ako. Nagulat ako nang may humawak sa braso ko at hinila ako. It's Rafael.

Dinala niya ako malayo sa paningin nila Ericka at Rocky.

Tumulo ang luha sa aking mga mata.

Tumawa si Rafael bago ako niyakap. I didn't know Rafael, hugging me, wouldn't feel anything special at all. Niyakap na rin niya ako nung nakaraan... pero hindi ko na maramdaman ang sobrang sa 'yo gaya no'n na kulang na lang ay tumalon ako.

"I don't want him to go," I whispered. "And it hurts the fact that he needs to go away. I want to be selfish enough to grip him tightly and plead not to leave me... But I can't. I can't be selfish for him."

Kailangan niyang magpakalayo muna matapos ang laro. Ramdam ko kung paano siya nito unti-unting pinapatay. He needs a time for himself alone. And it hurts knowing I can't be with him while he bears everything and as he heals his wounds.

"Then, don't," bulong ni Rafael. "Don't let him go."

"But letting him go means saving him."

"I'm sorry, Mad. Sorry kung wala akong magawa kung hindi ito lang," bulong niya.

Kumawala ako sa pagkakayakap at humarap sa kanya.

"N-No." Pinunasan ko ang luha sa aking mata. "Malaki ang naitulong mo. You saved me, you saved him. Kung hindi niyo ito ginawa ay malamang na nabuking na niya ako. Mas magiging kumplikado ang lahat."

"Anything for you." He smiled.

Napatingin kami kay Ericka na kararating lang. Mabilis na hinanap ko si Rocky.

"Where is Rocky?" I asked.

"Sabi niya uuwi na siya," sagot ni Ericka. "We did it. Napaniwala natin siyang nagdududa pa rin ako sa inyo ni Mad. Napaniwala natin siyang... maghihiwalay na kami ni Rafael."

"He won't do that," sabi ko. "Hindi siya uuwi nang hindi ako kasama."

"P-Pero 'yon ang sabi niya."

Kumunot ang noo ko bago umalis. Halos takbuhin ko na ang daan papunta sa lugar namin kanina. Wala na siya. Hinanap ko siya sa paligid pero hindi n siya mahagilap ng mga mata ko.

"M-Mad..." Si Ericka. "Sabay ka na sa amin."

"Go ahead. I'll stay here."

Lumungkot ang mukha ni Ericka. "Come on..."

"Sasamahan ka naming maghintay dito," seryosong sabi ni Rafael. "We'll stay here with you until he returned or until you get tired of waiting."

Hindi ko sila pinigilan. Hindi sila umalis. Sinamahan nila akong hintayin ang pagbabalik ni Rocky. Lumipas ang isang oras ay wala pa rin siya. Napagpasyahan na muna naming kumain ng lunch. Pagkatapos ay agad kaming bumalik sa pwesto.

"Tawagan mo kaya?" suhestyon ni Ericka.

Kinuha ko ang phone ko sa bulsa. Nanlambot ako nang makita ang isang text message galing kay Rocky.

"Umuwi na ako. Just in case na hanapin mo ako or kahit na hindi, I just want you to know. Be safe, always."

I bit my bottom lip as I tried to stop my tears.

"I-I told you," ani Ericka nang sumilip sa phone ko. "Sabay ka na sa amin."

"I'll still stay here," matapang kong sabi.

Nagkatinginan sina Ericka at Rafael bago muling tumingin sa akin.

"Fine. Sasamahan ka pa rin namin," ani Ericka.

"He'll come back." Tila sigurado kong sabi.

Bumuntong-hininga si Ericka.

"After an hour, kapag hindi pa rin siya bumalik. Sasama ka na sa amin," seryosong sabi ni Rafael. "Ang sabi niya ay umuwi na siya. You can't expect him to come back without letting him know you are still here."

Tumango si Ericka. "Text mo kaya. Sabihin mo andito ka pa."

I shook my head.

I want him to come back without asking for it.

Lumipas ang isang oras... dalawa... tatlo. Wala pa rin siya. My faith of him, returning where he left me, is shaking.

I don't know what's happening to me... I don't know.

But then again, who am I? Hindi naman ako gano'n ka-special sa kanya para balikan. Saka nasaktan ko siya... Nasaktan ko siya nung pinigilan niya akong umalis pero umalis pa rin ako. I shouldn't expect him to come back after that.

Damn it!

"Mad..." aya na ni Ericka.

"I-Isang oras pa, pakiusap."

"S-Sige. Punta lang akong Rest Room," ani Ericka.

"Sama rin ako," ani Rafael saka na umalis silang dalawa.

Nanginginig na ang mga tuhod ko dahil sa tagal na ng pagtayo ko rito.

Muli kong kinuha ang phone sa bulsa ko. Walang text message galing sa kanya.

Mapait na ngumiti ako. I think I need to stop this shit. I saved him... iyon lang dapat ang importante sa akin. Matatapos namin ang laro niya. Matutupad ko ang pangako ko sa sarili kong tatapusin ang laro niya kahit na anong mangyari.

I gripped my phone tightly.

"Stop it, Mads," I whispered to myself.

"Ang sabi ko ay umuwi na ako."

Natigilan ako nang may marinig na nagsalita sa likod ko. Sa halip na lumingon ay tumakbo ako palayo... palabas ng lugar na 'yon nang hindi lumilingon. Hindi sana ako hihinto kung hindi niya nahawakan ang braso ko at sapilitan akong hinarap sa kanya.

He was smirking like he didn't make me wait for almost a day.

"Bakit bumalik ka pa?" Hindi ko naitago ang pait sa boses ko. "If you were thinking I waited for you, you got it wrong. I just wanted to stand there!"

He laughed. "Realistic reason."

"Bakit bumalik ka pa?"

"Because of you," he said, formally.

Napatingin ako sa relo niya nang umilaw ito.

"Well done," I said. "Congratulations."

"The task is to leave you here," aniya pa, natatawa pa rin. "I don't know why. Pero nakarating ako sa bahay nang hindi pa rin ito natatapos. Nanatili ako ro'n, hindi pa rin tapos ang task."

Napatango naman ako nang mapagtanto kung ano ang ipinupunto niya. "That's why you came back, expecting it was the other way around. Na ang hindi ang iwan ako kung hindi ang balikan ako. Well done. You can go home now."

"You're being sarcastic again," he chuckled.

I slapped him... hard...on his face.

Tumawa lang ito kahit na namumula na ang pisngi.

"Para 'yan sa pang-iiwan mo nang hindi nagpapaalam." Ngumiti ako. Sinuntok ko ang dibdib niya. "Dahil nagagawa mo pang ngumiti sa kabila ng ginawa mo." Tumulo ang luha sa aking mga mata. Sasampalin ko sana uli siya nang mapigilan na niya ako.

"You're right about the task, Mads," aniya sa seryosong boses. "But I didn't leave because of that and I didn't come back for that, too. I didn't do these things for the task."

"Then don't tell me you left me because I hurt you and you came back because of your conscience!"

He pulled me closer to him. "Mali ka po."

"H-How dare you..." Suminghap ako ng hangin. "I hate you."

"Iniwan kita nang hindi nagpapaalam kasi gano'n ang gagawin ko kung sakali," malungkot na sabi nito. "I don't want to wave my goodbye to you. I just want to fade like I didn't even exist in your life at all."

Mas lalo akong naiyak. "T-That's selfishness."

"Ilang oras pa lang, Mads. Ilang oras pa lang kitang iniwan, hindi ko na kaya." Hinawakan niya ang pisngi ko at pinunasan ang luha sa pisngi ko. "I don't think I can survive without you anymore."

"B-But you need to..."

He shook his head. "Just one word from you, come hell of high water... Mads, I just need your word."

"R-Rocky..."

"You asked me that once, I need to hear it again." Ngumiti ito sa akin. "The next tasks are fatal, Mads. I might lose you along the way. Maaaring magkasakitan tayo. Ask me to stay once again... I'll give up everything for that."

"And what does that mean?"

"I just want to know if you still want me to stay, Mads." Naramdaman ko ang bahagyang panginginig ng kanyang kamay. "I can forget my game and just be with you instead."

"You're kidding me..." Tinaliman ko siya ng tingin. "Your Mom is on the line, Rocky. You can't just give up this game."

"I can, for you."

No. I didn't want it to end this way.

"Magbabalikan na kami ni Raf! I can't stay with you."

"Bullshit." He laughed. "I'm sorry for cursing, Mads. But it's bullshit how you think I don't know you're playing a façade game here. But little did you know, I also played a game. The role of a fool. But the truth is I am not that fool you think I am."

Nanlamig ang buo kong katawan.

"R-Rocky."

"Let's call this game over, too."