Chapter 13: Dear, God

Do you know what is more painful that seeing someone close to you hurting? It is when you can't do anything but to stare at them. The fact that even you badly want to comfort them, you can't because you know you are not capable of.

Magkaibigan na kami, pero ramdam ko pa rin ang pader sa pagitan namin. Hindi niya hinahayaang makalapit ako nang husto sa kanya. Sa tuwing bibigay ito ay mabilis niyang tinatatagan uli. I can't blame him... We just met. Those walls he built around him will protect him from intruders who only wants but a glimpse of him.

But then... I do the same. I never tried to break those walls. I never tried to step closer to him. I never tried to make him believe me. Because I am scared too. I am scared I might do what his parents have done. I am afraid to hurt him.

Gripping the steering wheel tightly, he was driving recklessly. Pigil ang paghinga ko sa tuwing mag-o-overtake siya ng mga sasakyan. Madulas pa ang daan dahil katatapos lang ng ulan. But his mind was clouded of thoughts to even think about that.

Napapikit ako nang makitang malapit ng mag-red ang traffic light sa isang intersection, pero mas binilisan ni Rocky ang pagmamaneho. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa upuan ko habang naghihintay ng ilang segundo bago dumilat uli.

Ilang segundo ay naramdaman kong bumagal ang pagtakbo namin. Pagkamulat ko ng mata ay nakahinto pala kami. Hindi niya itinuloy ang pagtawid sa intersection kahit na halos magpula ng ang ilaw.

I caught him staring at me. His cold brown eyes were like a dagger, slightly penetrating my chest. He helped me with my game, he did well. And here I am on his game, doing nothing but thinking how useless I am.

"Did I scare you?" There was a glimpse of guilt in his deep voice.

Bahagya akong umiling. Ramdam ko pa rin ang kabog sa dibdib ko.

Bumagsak ang tingin niya sa mga kamay kong mahigpit ang kapit sa upuan. Mabilis na inalis ko ito at pinatong na lang sa hita ko.

Napapikit siya nang madiin, bumali ang kanyang leeg bago muling tumingin sa kalsada. Panandalian niyang inalis sa manibela ang kamay para hilutin ang mga ito. Napansin ko ang pamumula roon dala ng sobrang higpit ng pagkapit sa manibela.

I was trembling when I tried to reach for his hands. Hindi ko pa iyon nahahawakan nang muli siyang humawak sa manibela at nagmaneho na uli. Bumagsak uli ang mga kamay ko sa aking hita.

"I'll drive you home," he whispered.

"Go ahead. But I won't leave your car," I said.

Huminga siya nang malalim bago umiling. "I don't want you to get in trouble, especially if I am the reason. Fuck it! Can't you see? I am a mess. I can't leave that place with a stable mind."

"I guess that's what we have in common," I uttered. "I am about to betray my best friend. I messed up my relationship with them. So, fuck it, boy! I don't want to go home yet. It is either bring me with you or drag me out of here."

He frowned. "You know that I can't drag you, Mads."

I looked at him then smiled, "I guess you don't have a choice now."

He chortled. "Looks like... "

Mayamaya ay lumampas na kami sa mga nagtataasang building. Sumunod ang malawak na palayan hanggang sa huminto kami sa isang malawak na lugar. May isang tarangkahan na tila nilamon na rin ng panahon. May nagbabantay na mga maskuladong lalaki roon. They were both holding flashlights on their hands.

Ibinaba ni Rocky ang salamin ng bintana. Sumaludo sa kanya ang dalawang lalaki bago binuksan ang gate. Napatingin sa gawi ko ang dalawang lalaki. Nangilabot ako sa tingin nila. Puno rin ng tattoo ang kanilang mga braso.

"Chill..." Hinagod ni Rocky ang braso ko. "No one will touch you here as long as you're with me." Tumatawa pa ito.

Hininto ni Rocky ang sasakyan sa hilera ng iba pang sasakyan. Pagkalabas namin ay malamig na simoy ng hangin ang agad na sumalubong. Nasa gitna kami ng malawak na palayan, malayo sa mga nagtataasang estruktura.

May isang tila abandonadong garahe sa malayo. Ngunit may mga ilaw na galing do'n at mula rin dito sa kinatatayuan namin ay dinig na dinig ang maingay na tugtugin.

"Is this place illegal?" I asked.

Hinila ako ni Rocky palapit sa kanya at inakbayan. "Nothing is illegal here. You know what is illegal? When someone touches you. Yes, I am the illegal here."

That should be comforting me but it makes me more uneasy. I mean... That means people here are capable of hurting me or him? Oh, god. I should have enrolled myself on a taekwondo class first before I went here.

We started to make our way near that huge house in the middle of this rice field. I now understand why he said this is not his kind of place too. But then again, there must be something about this place why he chose it over the other places.

Mas dumami ang nakakasalubong namin habang palapit nang palapit. They seemed harmless, whenever they would pass on us, they would just stare for a moment then looked away.

I saw a group of men smoking while laughing. One of them eyed us and smirked his lips. Tila nakainom na rin ang mga ito base sa kanilang pananalita at paggalaw. Their arms were covered in tattoos too and that's what makes them scarier.

Mas hinigpitan ni Rocky ang pagkakaakbay sa akin. I couldn't feel his weight. It seems like he only wants me to feel safe... To make me feel I am with him and nothing to worry about.

Sa pinakabungad ay may mga bantay na maskuladong lalaki. Their cold eyes darted on my direction. Mga banyaga ang mga ito base sa kanilang hitsura. Parang kinikilatis ako ng mga ito. Bago lang ako sa lugar na ito kaya hindi na rin nakapagtataka.

"You got a hot girl, boy." The guy in left said, smirking.

Hinila na lang ako ni Rocky papasok. Narinig ko pa ang sinabi ng isa sa kanila. "What an unfriendly brat."

Binitawan ako ni Rocky pagpasok. I didn't expect an anbandoned place to be this alive. Malakas ang tugtog ngunit hindi masakit sa tainga. Ang amoy ng pinagsama-samang usok ng sigarilyo, pabango ng tao at alak ay lumilipad sa hangin. The neon lights were stable too! There were scattered tables around.

A group of men were laughing and cursing each other while playing billiard. May hawak pang bote ng alak ang mga ito. At kaya pala mix ang kanta ay dahil may videoke rin kung saan sabay-sabay na kumakanta ang mga lasing. May mga sumasayaw din sa gitna. May ibang nagwawaldas ng pera sa pagsusugal.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang may mapatingin sa akin at kinindatan ako.

There were girls too!

I immediately looked away when I caught a couple kissing each other.

"Here." Hinila ako ni Rocky sa bar counter.

We sat on the stable high chair, facing the bartender who was currently busy mixing the cocktail. Napatingin ito sa akin kaya lumapit siya. Hawak pa rin niya ang ginagawa. He has a nice tan skin with a bulky body.

"New girl?" he asked.

I nodded my head but didn't give a word.

Napatingin ito kay Rocky bago bumalik ang tingin sa akin. Ngumisi ito.

"Looks like our prince has finally found an accompany," he uttered to the other bartender. Malakas na tumawa ito habang nakatingin kay Rocky. "Isang ngiti naman diyan, Mr. Brecken. Ang ganda ng kasama mo eh."

Napatingin ako kay Rocky. He was just staring at him, looking bored with that lazy brown eyes.

"Tama na, Chon," sabi naman ng kasama niya pang bartender. "Baka gusto mong mabato na naman ng upuan sa mukha."

Napalunok ako.

"Pour me a drink," Rocky said as he looked at me. "And get her some non-alcoholic drink."

"Can I have---"

"No," he cut me out.

Pinagsalin siya ng lalaki ng inumin sa baso.

"Sandali lang, Ate. Igagawa pa lang kita ng inumin," ani naman ng lalaki sa akin

"Sure, thanks," I smiled.

"I'm Chon," he introduced himself.

Humalakhak ang kasama niyang lalaki na blonde naman ang hair. Maputi ito at medyo may pagkasingkit ang mata. Ayos lang ang laki ng katawan. They are both good looking though.

"Maddy," I said.

"Are you his girl?" Chon, the bulky man asked.

"Friend."

Natigilan ito sa ginagawa niya. Kinalabit niya ang kanyang kasama. "S-She's his friend. Pinch me. Am I dreaming?"

The blonde guy was a bit shocked too. "Bless me..."

"More," ani Rocky bago inilapit ang kanyang baso.

Pinagsalin siya uli ng alak.

Lumapit sa akin si Chon at inabot sa akin ang isang fruit shake. Ngumiti ako bago tinanggap 'yon. Sumimsim ako nang kaunti. Nanginig ako nang dumaloy sa lalamunan ko ang lamig nito. Inilagay ko muna 'yon sa patungan sa harapan ko.

I roamed my eyes around this place.

Napatingin ako sa isang babaeng nasa isang lamesa. She was crying. Nagkalat na ang eyeliner sa kanyang mukha. Muli itong tumungga sa alak bago pabagsak na ibinaba 'yon. Nakatingin ito sa kanyang cell phone na nakapatong sa lamesa, tila may hinihintay.

Ipinagpatuloy ko ang pagkilatis sa lugar. Ang kaninang lalaking masayang kumakanta sa videoke ay natigilan nang pumiyok. Kinuha nito ang shot glass at tinungga. Pinunasan nito ang kanyang mata bago muling kumanta.

May napansin din ako sa grupo ng mga lalaking sumasayaw. Their eyes were swollen. Parang kagagaling lang sa pag-iyak. May isang tumigil sa pagsasayaw, nanatiling nakatayo at mapait na nakangiti.

The creepy ambiance suddenly turned melancholic. All I can see is... How pain attacks these people. How sadness pushes them here. How life fucks them up. I didn't notice that the first time I came in.

"Scary, right?" the guy on my left said. He was just staring on his drink while waiting for the ice cubes to melt. "Scary how fake feelings seem to be more genuine than the real ones."

"This is us, Mad." Si Rocky naman ang nagsalita. Nakatingin ito sa akin. "This is the reason why this place has been my escape. To convince myself I am not alone. To comfort myself with people who feels the same as me. I am not alone... That makes me still alive."

Uminom ako sa drinks ko. Napatingin ako sa isang bote ng alak na nasa tabi ni Rocky, wala nang laman 'yon. Binigyan na naman siya ng bagong inumin ni Chon ngunit umiling na si Rocky.

"I'm good," Rocky said.

Nagkibit-balikat si Chon bago binawi ang alak.

"You'll get through life's shits too," the blonde guy said. Kumuha na naman ito ng isang bote ng alak at pinaglaruan sa kanyang mga kamay. "Been there, felt that. But look... I'm happy now."

"Same!" Chon interfered. "Minsan na rin kaming umupo sa mga inuupuan niyo. We know how it feels. We conquered it. That's why we decided to work here. To encourage someone that nothing in this world remains the same. That whatever you are feeling now will also fade."

Inakbayan ni Chon ang kasama niya. "And who would have thought that life's shit could lead me to this person."

I smiled when they kissed.

Napatingin ako kay Rocky. He was mixing the ice cube on his glass. Tila malalim ang iniisip nito.

"I want to smoke," he whispered.

Tumayo na ito sa kanyang upuan na ginawa ko rin. Inakbayan niya ako uli. Naramdaman ko na ngayon ang bigat niya. Mukhang tinamaan na rin siya kahit papaano ng alak.

Bago kami lumabas do'n ay binalikan ko ng tingin ang mga nasa loob.

We are not alone... We will never be alone.

Pumunta kami sa sasakyan ni Rocky kung saan nakatago ang kanyang sigarilyo. Binuhat niya ako paakyat sa harapan ng kanyang sasakyan. Siya naman ay dumandal lang. Bahagya pa siyang lumayo nang magsindi na ng sigarilyo.

"Do you really smoke?" tanong ko.

Hindi kasi halata. I couldn't find a trace of smoking on his red lips.

"Moderately," sagot nito. Binuga niya ang usok sa ibang direksyon, palayo sa akin. "Anything that is bad to us should be taken in moderate. Could it be an alcohol, cigarette, painkiller or a person."

Tumingin ako sa langit. Hindi gaanong makita ang mga bituin dahil sa ulan. Mukhang uulan na naman mamaya.

Ilang sandali ang lumipas bago uli siya nagsalita. "That Raf. Ano ang ibinigay niya sa 'yo?"

Napakapa ako sa bulsa ko. "Chocolate."

"Hmmm." Tumango naman ito. Nakatalikod siya sa akin. "Sorry nga pala. Hindi kita agad pinuntahan kanina."

"You were stuck on traffic."

He chuckled. "I was not. On my way to our rendezvous, I saw him."

"Raf?"

"That's the moment I knew he's up to something," pagpapatuloy niya sa kwento. "I made an alibi to delay my arrival. Iniwan ko ang sasakyan ko sa malayo para sundan siya. I saw him stared at you for a few minutes... Until he finally approached you."

"I didn't see you."

Humarap siya sa akin. Binitawan niya sa lupa ang sigarilyo at inapakan ang baga para maapula ito. May kinuha ito sa kanyang sasakyan. Pabango sa bibig. Gumamit siya no'n bago lumapit sa akin.

"I told you, seryoso ako sa mga sinabi ko," aniya. "I am serious when I told you that I won't ever disturb you. Even if I wanted to approach you, I stopped myself. See? The confession happened."

Payak akong ngumiti. "I'm actually scared."

"You're not alone." Muli itong sumandal at tumingin sa malayo. "I'm scared too. This game is killing me. Every time we play it, this feeling is getting more intensed."

"I think that's fine. Being scared is fine because it means, you care." I gulped as I think about what happened earlier.

"Yes, maybe you're right. I care and everytime I feel it, I get scared." Tumingin ito sa akin. "Get in my car and lock the doors. I I need to pay for the drinks and get more. Babalik din ako agad pagnakakuha na."

Pinatunog niya ang sasakyan. Pinagbuksan niya ako ng pinto kaya pumasok ako. Pagkasara niya ay sinenyasan niya akong ikandado na ginawa ko naman. Ngumiti ito bago naglakad pabalik.

Sumandal ako sa upuan at pinanuod siyang maglakad pabalik.

Kinapa ko ang phone sa bulsa ko. Napalunok ako nang makita ang message mula kay Raf. It was sent an hour ago.

"Jgh. Thanks. I'll be yours soon."

I didn't feel anything after I read that. Maybe because I know... This is not right.

Binalik ko sa bulsa ang phone ko.

Napansin ko ang isang babaeng naglalakad. Siya iyong babaeng umiiyak kanina. Binuksan ko ang pinto at lumapit sa kanya. Nakayuko ito kaya hindi niya ako napansin.

"Hey!" I approached her.

She looked at me. "Yes?"

Hindi ako agad nakapagsalita sa sobrang gulat. Maayos na ngayon ang kanyang mukha. There was no trace of tears from those bright eyes. I remember Rocky... He does it too.

"I-Is there a problem?" tanong ko.

"We all have one," sagot nito.

Napalunok ako. "You know that you're not alone, right?"

"Maybe? But right now? I am. Do you want to know a secret? My step dad tried to harm me. He tried to ruin my life." Ngumiti ito bago mas lumapit sa akin. "Good thing. I got him first. That vehicle with blue-colored emergency lights must be on our house by now, searching for a trace who did it. The trace is here."

Napanganga ako nang mag-umpisa na uli itong maglakad palayo. Sumakay siya sa isang sasakyan at mabilis na umalis.

My heart aches for her.

"I told you to wait in my car."

Humarap ako kay Rocky. "I'm sorry..."

Hinila niya ako pabalik sa sasakyan. Muli ko pang sinulyapan ang dinaanan ng babae pero wala na, tila nilamon ng kadiliman.

Pareho kaming sumandal ni Rocky sa kanyang sasakyan. Napansin ko ang alak na hawak niya.

"Mas malakas 'to, kaya akong patumbahin kahit na hindi ko makalahati," sabi niya nang mapansin na doon ako nakatingin. "Kapag tinamaan ako, pwede mo ba akong ipasok sa loob ng sasakyan?"

"You know that I can't drive."

"Of course. Ilang oras lang ang kakailanganin ko bago bumaba ang alak. I'll drive you home after."

Tumango ako. Pinanuod ko siyang itungga ang bote ng alak, sabik na sabik na maramdaman ang tama nito sa kanya. It is as if that alcohol has some kind of magic spell to make him forget everything. Nakatikim na rin ako at hindi ko nagustuhan ang lasa.

Mas lumapit pa ako sa kanya hanggang sa magbunggo ang mga braso namin. Just like what he did to me earlier, I also want him to feel safe with me, to make him feel that he's not alone while drowning.

"Do you plan on going to college?" he asked.

I nodded my head. Pagkatapos nitong senior high ay itutuloy ko ang lahat sa kolehiyo. I want to further my knowledge in the field I chose. That's what I promised to my Mom when she's still here.

"Probably, I am no longer with you when that happens." He put his arm on my shoulder. "Know that this unfriendly brat will always be proud of you. Fuck them all, Mads. Soar high. Be successful. But never forget to live."

Ngumiti ako sa kanya.

Muli itong tumungga sa alak. Naramdaman ko ang bahagyang pagbigat ng katawan niya dahil magkadikit kami.

"And how about you?" I asked.

Bumuga ito ng hangin bago itinuro ang malayong tanawin, mga palayan sa kadiliman.

"I am probably out there, fixing myself. I want to gain everything I lost. And fall in love... I want to fall in love when I am complete, not fucked up."

"Good boy. Don't let your past ruin your future."

"No, don't let your future ruin what you've been through in the past. For what? To forget the pain and do the shit again? Fuck it. I don't want to feel this again, especially when I am already with someone I love."

I shrugged my shoulder.

"Kapag nagkaroon ako ng pamilya, ayoko nang ganito," bulong niya habang nakatingin sa malayo. "Ayokong maranasan nila ito. This kind of pain will end with me, I'm gonna make sure of that."

"You will be a good father and husband."

Lumipas ang ilang minuto na walang nagsasalita sa amin. Halos maubos na rin ni Rocky ang iniinom niyang alak. Napansin ko rin ang bahagyang pagbagsak ng mga talukap ng kanyang mata.

"I'll guide you in," I said.

He looked at me and smiled. "Sure..."

Nahirapan akong ipasok siya sa driver's seat dahil magulo na siya maglakad. Pagkasara ko ng pinto ay umikot ako sa kabila. Binuhay ni Rocky ang makina ng sasakyan para lumamig at magkaroon ng ilaw.

Pagkatapos ay bahagya niyang pinatihaya ang upuan para makasandal nang mabuti.

"Dear, God. Why?" Narinig kong bumulong ito. "All I wanted was for my parents to see me. But, why? Why do you have to take them away from me? Am I an evil son for not understanding them? Is this my punishment for wanting too much? Please... I am regretting it now. J-Just bring them with me again, even if they can't still see me, it will be totally fine."

Pumiyok ang boses nito, handa nang umiyak pero gaya ng inaasahan ko ay wala, hindi nangyari.

"Help me... I need your guidance. I don't think I can still run, my feet were shaking, my hands were trembling, my eyes were swollen... My heart was aching. Dear, God. I'm dying."

That's the moment I hugged him... tight.

"Dear, God," he whispered again. "If ever I win this game, I want to win my Mom too. I miss her..."

Naramdaman ko ang pagbigat ng kanyang hininga. Hinigpitan ko ang yakap sa kanya.

"C-Can I sleep, Mads?"

"I'm just here."

"Dear, God," he whispered again. "D-Don't ever leave me no matter how even I may have become. Don't punish me by hurting my friend. Let all the things light for her... For I can't see her running away with tears on her eyes."

Matapos no'n ay hindi na siya nagsalita. Sinulyapan ko siya. Nakapikit na ang kanyang mga mata. Mukhang nakatulog na talaga.

Bumuhos ang malakas na ulan sa labas. Tila nakikidalamhati sa dinaramdam ng lalaki sa tabi ko.

I remember the song I used to sing when I feel down.

I closed my eyes as I started to sing. "Running down her dreams in a dirty dress, now her heart's a mess. Praying she'll find a way to make it." I looked at the sleeping guy beside me. "So keep on climbing, though the ground might shake. Just keep on reaching though the limb might break. We've come this far, don't you be scared now."

Umayos ako ng upo at tinitigan ang natutulog na lalaki.

"Dear, God," I whispered. "Give me more reason not to leave him."